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daverpdx
Reviews
Mother/Android (2021)
Chloe Grace Moretz is awful in this.
I'm sorry to say that Ms. Moretz is the lowest point in the deep abyss of this movie's awfulness. To be honest the rest of the cast is fairly decent, but the story is pathetic. You can see the only real plot twist a mile away.
Shadow in the Cloud (2020)
80s synth pop soundtrack in 1943?
Synth pop of the early 1980s is all well and good for a film set in, well, the early 1980s. Apparently every film needs the Stranger Things treatment these days and the director thought to himself "you know, nothing sets the tone for 1943 like an amateurish ripoff of the worst synth horror film scores of 1983." That was the highlight of the film folks. Everything just went downhill from there.
Ji zhi zhui ji (2017)
Dumb Chase
What's the meaning of the the SMART acronym? Beats me folks, but it sure as heck isn't Stunning, Magnificent And Really Terrific. There isn't a flicker of intelligence in the entire script, yet the title isn't completely misleading. There really is a chase scene.
Let's just say Orlando doesn't exactly bloom in this seemingly made-for-Chinese-television antithesis of entertainment.
Hard Kill (2020)
I'll take "who is Bruce Willis" for $50, Alex
Well, for fifty dollars, Bruce Willis will apparently be Donovan Chalmers in Hard Kill. He gave the part every penny's worth of stellar acting as well. The producers probably could have paid him more than fifty bucks, but that would have eaten into the budget for one of the two big sets, a fine limousine they apparently rented for an entire morning. The other big set, in which 95% of the movie takes place, is some abandoned building somewhere in Ohio.
If you want to watch something far more entertaining, try spending 98 minutes watching a raisin plump up in glass of water.
Judges (2006)
Manure on a stick. Only worse.
Sadly IMDb does not allow me to rate Judges lower than 1. What a shame. This ghastly movie is so bad that I actually turned the damned thing off well before the ending. The script had a few bright moments, but the directing, editing, acting, audio quality, and especially timing on line delivery was so abhorrent as make Judges utterly unbearable.
Judges was advertised as being like a modern day comic book style western, but in reality was nothing of the sort. What it is most like is dog poop on the bottom of your shoe. You can try to pretend it is okay, but it just keeps on stinking.
Why video stores think it is okay to carry this kind of crap with constant gaps in the audio and worse than high school drama class acting is beyond me. We rent movies in order to see something better that what is on television. But Judges is worse than the most pathetic SciFi Channel original. I intend to demand my money back from Hollywood Video.
Cl.One (2005)
Speak Up Sonny!
Perhaps I could get over the generally poor quality of this movie's production standards if it hadn't been for the sound. But the Casio soundtrack is almost the only thing the audience can hear. It drowns out the dialog to the point that there is no chance of actually watching the entire DVD. Naturally there is no captioning either. Even if the sound had been edited properly the fact remains that this would be a D minus movie at best. It has the overall feel of a rejected Sci-Fi Channel Original. The pathetic computer generated graphics put the special in special effects. And I mean special in the Special Olympics sense of the word. They truly resemble the graphics from the original Play Station, yet we are intended to believe that they are footage of the transportation of the future. Again, poor effects can be forgiven, but the thin plot and sad attempt at social commentary cannot. If you can actually sit through the whole thing, you should have yourself checked. You may be a clone genetically engineered to survive the most heinous of tortures, really bad movies. Not even Joel, Crow and Tom Servo could make this one watchable.