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Mumblyjoe83
Reviews
Planet of the Apes (2001)
A disappointment
I really wanted to like this movie. It was very unfortunate that I did not. This isn't to say that there aren't good qualities, because this film does have wonderful moments. The parts, though, are greater than the whole.
The main problem, as I see it, was trying to recreate the original Planet of the Apes in the first place. The original was released at the peak of the civil rights movement, and it's message of tolerance and understanding had much more meaning back then. Now, without any social relevance to justify it, the film comes off as nothing more than a loud, disposable summer flick. Of course, if anyone could even come close to making a good POTA remake, it'd be Tim Burton. His vision of the apes' world is incredible, and he comes very close to making the film work. The makeup effects by Rick Baker are also an impressive achievement, but, once again, it played better in the original because it was new.
Another thing that made the first one so brilliant was the clear social distinction between ape and man. The film made the humans appear inferior through one very obvious, but effective, manner: it took away the humans' speech abilities. This made them more animal like, and it made Charlton Heston's character more relevant. But in this new version, the humans can speak, which makes their inferiority to the apes unclear. Physically, the apes are much stronger than the humans, but the humans out number the apes 4 to 1. And the new hero, played by Mark Wahlberg, has no clear attribute to make him stand out to the benevolent "human rights activist" Ari. She notices him for a somewhat creepy sexual attraction.
The most disappointing thing about this new version, though, was the ending. I won't give it away,because it was a surprise, but I was very let down. It unsuccessfully tried to recreate the startling final shot of the original, but without the aspect of suspense the whole epilogue seemed forced and sloppy, not to mention ludicrous.
On the bright side, there is the aforementioned Burton and Baker, some welcome (but slightly misguided) comic relief, and a sexy human heroine in Estella Warren, who has an incredible body but a very sketchily defined character. Overall, I can't honestly recommend it to fans of the classic original, but non-discriminatory summer audiences may enjoy it.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
My memorable introduction to Kubrick
After recently watching "A.I" and loving it, I became intrigued with Stanley Kubrick. I had seen "The Shining" and "Dr. Strangelove," but I didn't truly know Kubrick's range until I saw A.I and this film. I was blown away from the very beginning. That opening shot of Alex (Malcolm McDowell) staring into the camera with that creepy half-smile, with that incredible score playing, I was hooked. I am a big movie buff, despite my lack of Kubrick knowledge, and I knew this film was notorious for it's violence. What I didn't expect was it's startling sense of humor and striking social commentary. Remember when Alex bludgeoned that woman to death with the phallic-shaped sculpture? Or when he and his "droogs" perform the old "in-out, in-out" on the writer's wife while warbling "Singing in the Rain?" Disturbing, yes, but also very funny. I recommend this film to anyone with a sick sense of humor and a strong stomach, and I personally will make a point to see all of Kubrick's films. By the way, I've been trying to mimic the half-smile since I saw this.
Someone Like Me (1994)
Quite Possibly the Worst TV Show Ever Made
I only vaguely remember this series. As I can remember, it seemed to last only about 2 episodes, and I hope that was the case. This show sucked like a Hoover. I recall that it involved some young girl, played by Gaby Hoffman, and her dysfunctional family, including her fresh-out-of-prison older sister, played by Nikki Cox. The sister in this show is probably the least appealing character ever created for any form of media or entertainment in the entire history of the world. I absolutely abhorred this character when I saw this show, and it's pretty hard to make a fourth grader hate something so passionately. There was nothing redeeming about this show at all. The writing was lousy, the jokes were poorly timed (jokes were made about the late Telly Savalas just after he died), the acting was atrocious, and you consistently got the impression that the studio audience that accidently stumbled into the taping were being forced to laugh by threats of death. Let us all thank God that this barely lasted and most people will never remember it.
Very Bad Things (1998)
Don't Be Deceived
I picked up a copy of this in the comedy section of my local video store. That this has been advertised as a comedy is flagrently false. I can't emphasize enough, this is NOT a comedy. This is a very grisly and disturbing look into the human mind. Until I saw this, the only film that ever been able to make me squirm with discomfort was MEET THE FEEBLES. This was even worse, probably because these atrocities were being done to real people, and not puppets. The story revolves around five friends having a crazy bachelor party in Vegas. One of them has sex with a prostitue, but mid-coitus accidently impales her head on a coat hook. The men get panicky, and more deaths result. One thing about the film that was admittedly annoying was the constant, constant yelling and screaming from the main charecters. Daniel Stern is the worst, but they all scream so much you wonder how they didn't get caught immediately. Except for Stern, though, all the performances are top-notch, particularly from Christian Slater, who resorts to murder so quickly and coldly that it makes you wonder about the charecter's past. So, if you want to see a disturbing movie that will make you laugh, see FEEBLES, but if you want one that will mess with your head, see this.
The Story of Us (1999)
Disturbingly Awful
A pox upon thee, Rob Reiner. Why, why would you make something like this? What could have possibly inspired you to make such an insipid, uninspired movie? It's absolutely horrible. Was he trying to create another "When Harry Met Sally..."? No, that can't be it. The films are nothing alike. "Harry" was a funny, entertaining, if slightly girly, film, while "The Story of Us" is an overdone, vacuous, humorless and completely boring film. It's almost offensive how bad it is, no joke. Don't get me started on the acting. Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeifer are bricks, only able to convey that their charecters are bad, obnoxious people. He's an egomaniac, she's a shrew, and we're supposed to care that they're getting divorced. Even worse are Paul Reiser and Rita Wilson, who play the unfortunate, tired and annoying roles of the friend who thinks he/she knows everything about the opposite sex. Reiser spouts his half-baked and sexist opinions to Willis (who, like the rest of us, doesn't seem to care). Wilson blabbers her cliched sexual annecdotes to Pfeifer while power walking (God, could these people be any whiter?), stuff something like "Men can do it anywhere, anytime" (not verbatim, but who cares?). So, this movie scores even lower for being another movie that forces us men to believe that in order to get a women in to bed, we have to practically shower them with praise and gifts and emotional support, while women just have to say something like "Baby wanna boom-boom?" I don't know who these women are; no one I know. But I digress: this film is an abomination, a horredous and insulting piece of excrement that should be avoided like the plague.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
Big, loud, mindless fun
Ah, the summer movie season. Is there anything greater? You're treated to a myriad of big, dumb action movies that would suck if released any other time, but accheive a form of greatness in the summer. Tomb Raider embodies these traits to a T. It's a sloppily written, clumsily plotted piece of garbage, but it's so much fun that filmakers are able to get away with murder. Like he proved in "Con Air," director Simon West demonstrates that he's a crappy director who has no idea what to do with his charecters, but can make a great action scene. Tomb Raider is chock full of these, the best being a showdown in a mansion garage between buxom heroine Lara Croft and a gang of black-suited baddies and a battle between Croft and a slew of living statues. So, large-breasted women, oodles of mythology, and living statues with swords should make for a great summer flick. Unfortunately, the FX are sort of lackluster, which could spell doom for most action movies. However, Tomb Raider has something that those other films do not, something that sets it apart from the rest. That magical ingrediant is Angelina Jolie. She brings Croft to life so convincingly and so powerfully that Tomb Raider reaches an almost artistic state of being. She has a sly way of looking at people, a wonderfully passe accent and is painfully sexy throughout. She dominates every scene she's in, and that, friends, more than compensates for Tomb Raiders many, many flaws. So, sit back, set your mind in cruise control and enjoy all the bountiful glory that Jolie provides.
Pitch Black (2000)
Visually Creative and intense
I, surprisingly, truly enjoyed Pitch Black. It was an exciting, well-acted and visually impressive film. I was particularly impressed with newcomer Vin Diesel. His strength, both physically and in presence, carried the film in the few scenes without the monsters. Which brings me to another point: the monsters. Those just blew me away. They were truly intimidating, creativly designed, and well animated. I reccomend Pitch Black not only to sci-fi fans (which I am not) but to anyone who apreciates a decent action film.