Reviews

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A David Pryor flick. Jean-shorts-clad Michael Danton (Ted Pryor) gets abducted but escapes from a mercenary group (led by his former commander Hogan) who specialize in kidnapping & hunting civilians. The mercs are all idiots though: they fail to see Ted hide in a tree a few feet above their heads, or when he disappears in a foot of water, etc.

The bad guys then take his wife hostage and kill her father (a Grampa Joe type who gives a weird monologue about bad guys and dirty city streets having no music?!!).

William Zipp plays former comrade Cooper who switches sides before his own regrettable death. A ton of "gun appears from off-screen/freeze!" moments. And a crazy freeze frame & scream ending with Hogan still alive?!!

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A low budget He-Man must acquire a magical sword from a muppet (who then morphs into an old man) and find an enchanted pendant in order to defeat a magic villain (whose tattoo switches sides of his head?). One sweet cantina scene with a pig-man, chandelier swinging, mud wrestling and some princess rescuing. LOTS of skin, including the often bare-chested blonde sidekick. Bad guy even resorts to gender-switching potion on a hesitant crony in attempt to lure hero to his death (resulting in a very awkward almost-rape?!!).

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A slow jungle insurrection war movie (supposedly in Central America? SE Asia? Cuba-Nam!). A team of white commandos endanger their native rebel team and innocent villages. Decent model work (blowing up a dam, flamethrower helicopters?!!) and a priest who helps blow up a fuel depot via train explosion that somehow works its way forward only one car at a time. Un-credited Mike Monty appearance as "major on train", this movie ends with another great theme song ("All the muchachas...maybe they travel in black Cadillacs, eat at a general store...")

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Duke boy John Schneider act's kinda like Indiana Jones, a smuggler (pilot?) who gets drawn into bad guy double-cross plots. Some cool scenes (a bar with one pinball machine? Meeting your informant/connection at his run down brothel with aging ugly hookers). Big firefight at the end with lots of explosive barrels.

Cobra Mission aka Operation Nam

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A too-slow "Uncommon Valor" wannabe where four vets go back to Vietnam to rescue POWs, wind up getting most of them killed and discover a secret US conspiracy to keep the prisoners in captivity. Only good part: Christopher Connelly (of Atlantis Raiders) calls someone a "suckfish".

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In a fairly lame big studio future: Sam's robot girlfriend, Cherry, shorts out and he hires a tracker (always on the verge of crying Melanie Griffith) to help him find a replacement in the dangerous desert of Section Seven. Some cool world building but even Robert Z'dar can't save this garbage.

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In post-apocalyptic NYC: a blonde "hero" wants to be a sheriff, trains under the "Black Man", while competing bad guy androids and humanoids (both played by humans w/o makeup or visual effects) kill one another. Features Dakar (Alex Vitale/Jakoda from the far superior movie Strike Commando) as a love torn android. Really slow in parts and severely abuses reused footage, sometimes in back to back scenes.

Hoping this would be a "good bad" movie but it just can't pull itself together.

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Nam mission goes sideways. Danny Duh-may-oh gets left behind as wounded Sgt Steele escapes in helicopter (and seems to groan, "Daddy's bleeding.") 12 years later Nam POW's are kidnapped by Central American terrorists (?) and Steele's old team goes to free them (including a guy in drag who maybe resents it?). Way too slow & not enough action. A double crossing C.I.A. man scowls, "Don't lose him."

Enough craziness and whacky filmmaking to provide plenty of laughs.

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Written by Ted AND David Pryor; two rock-breaking prisoners (the laughs-at-everything Anderson and maniacal overacting Spencer/Ted P.) escape and run into group of paintballers including Nam vet Nick. Hijinks ensue with pursuing cops (led by the tiny ascot wearing old sheriff), mistaken identities, and a crazy ending where Nick makes a paintball flame gun and paints the forest red? Side note: Ted loves "Soldier boy!"

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Rutger Hauer is blinded in Vietnam but learns Daredevil-esque sword skills while turning on the full-on wild-eyed not very convincingly acting. Movie can't decide what to be: Rated R violence and language or slapstick hijinks kid jokes. Best part is when Randall Tex Cobb is Darth Maul'ed off a cliff.

Someone had some money and an idea for a movie...but not enough of either. Still, there are a few laugh-at-it moments.

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After suffering a concussion, an army soldier who was secretly trained as a ninja in childhood investigates the illegal dealings of his army base commander. He has run-ins with his best friend but they eventually team up to blow apart the janky plywood enemy compound.

Good for some laughs, but someone just threw this together.

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A very cracked out Jan Michael-Vincent tries to sneak a case of gold on the last boat out of Vietnam. An Axl Rose look-alike leading lady, making a documentary, convinces the Navy boys to bring along her entourage of Vietnamese orphans (particularly the cigarette and turkey-loaf loving, tongue-wagging Mickey). Insanely edited for first 15 minutes with scenes from various other movies, with no relation to main plot.

Definitely has that 1970s era feel of rugged men going on an adventure but the special effects and plot can't sustain aspirations. Still it's enjoyable enough if you like the genre.

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Two divers (basically Peter and Greg Brady) try to steal pearls from the bug eyed Atlanteans (supposedly in the Caribbean; movie tries to sell Philippines as Mexico). Way too much underwater boringness especially involving flips. 70s era pool of piranha. Main girl scientist Kathy has wardrobe changes depending on the level of adventure. The twitchy eyed background henchman is cool.

While this film has some moments of great what-the-heckness, overall it just can't quite deliver the "so bad its good" vibe.

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(aka Galaxy & Galaxy Destroyer) A guy flees Earth in a stolen space shuttle while aliens invade. 5 years later he returns, teams up with Dana the British scientist (?), meets Mad Dog Kelly and his biker gang. The supposed good guys eventually use a machine which melts unrecognized DNA. They win...we lose.

This movie has its moments and can definitely make you laugh with friends over some of their I'm sure financially-dictated filming decisions.

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(aka Badlanders) Rebel soldier Blaine gets himself captured and exiled to the Prison Planet to find and free confused old man Himshaw, the exiled true-king. Cheap desert scenes filmed in Yuma, AZ. Best bad guys are Fu Manchu-clad leader Broxton and mohawked "Blaine forgets he's fighting you" Krayger. Why does it appear that electrocution torture makes Blaine sleepy?

An easy way to kick back, relax, and enjoy the effort put into trying to make a serious sword and sorcery flick...and failing in an absolute miserable yet truly entertaining way.

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An abandoned baby grows up, learns to fight, falls in love with his presumed sister and fights an evil spider cult. Very Italian, low budget Clash of the Titans; ends with a ridiculous and cheap "use a shiny-shield to blind the giant barely-moving spider puppet" battle.

Definitely fun in parts (obviously depending on your taste) but this movie struggles to find its pace and gets too sidetracked at times. There are better "so bad it's good" movies to watch.

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Tina is harassed by Manni, a dimwitted member of a desert survivalist group (who seem equally incompetent and dangerous when they slaughter the dirt biking Thrill Killers). She is captured & released so they can track her down for training, and she basically kills them all. A weird side plot has Gene Simmons bad guy type and friend killing randomly (including a caged pet rabbit who is told, "You ain't got no mama, ain't got no papa"). One bad guy hilariously says "I learned this in Nam," proceeds to tie a shirt around his head like a ninja mask and continues, "And don't you forget it".

A little too slow and "safe" to be a truly enjoyable "bad" movie, but if you're looking for 1980' s style action and an unbelievable/light plot, give this a try.

Warning: synopsis/spoilers ahead -

Michael Dudikoff is American soldier Joe who overcomes his own smoldering looks and slowly begins to remember that he has ninja training (courtesy of his adoptive Japanese father-figure). Shenanigans abound on his Army base involving stolen weapons & bad guy ninjas. Newly acquired best friend Sgt Jackson gives Joe the understanding and constant touching he needs. The horn guy goes crazy on the soundtrack. Swords abound but somehow there's not a single nunchuk to be found?!!

Into "bad" movies? Give this one a try!

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A smoke-mist alien lady visits future Earth and finds trouble between black helmeted fascist gov't types (who scream electronically when they fall from heights) and ragtag rebels who cheaply/lazily look like average 1980s street folk. Slow build with a rip-off Eddie Murphy who then disappears halfway through until good guy Willie becomes a sword wielding ninja wannabe. Rewind-worthy fighting hijinks, mannequin use, & awkward head locks (he uses his leg?!!).