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darth_schneider67
Reviews
Fear Itself: New Year's Day (2008)
Crap-tastic!
Probable spoilers...
In the whole Masters of Horror\Fear Itself collection, I have to rank his one slightly above Chocolate and Sounds Like, (worst 2 things put to film, technically OK, stories were crap) this is horrid solely on the fact a decent premise was obliterated by horrible direction, editing and writing...come on! I mean what the hell is up with Zombie-spastic vision?
I T iS th E Eq UIV I LeNT of ME TYp InG liK E ThI s!
You know something is there but have to squint really hard to make any sense of it. (except I also need to add larger fonts and colors mixed in..)
In storytelling there is foreshadowing and here we get the obvious.
What the guy is coming for her, no she may be in an elevator up wait there he is strobing on screen...commercial break there he is again...oh wait guess she was in elevator...it was the Eddie the Zombie Commercial break attack freeze frame! (which they did twice)
It was runny diarrhea bad....("Sounds Like" was runny diarrhea bad with no toilet paper in the house)
Fear Itself...soon to be Cancelled Itself
Baba Yaga (1973)
Don't Kiss me, just Kill me...
Wow...this was in a DVD 4 pack called "Blood Bath" and there was barely any blood...someone got stuck with a pin, the bloody pin was the only blood I remember...also someone literally "drops dead" & someone falls in a hole. On there other hand, the only redeeming thing, was lots of Euro-boobs, but even nipples don't make up for a boring, slow, rambling plot. The atmosphere started out nice, the characters at first seemed possibly interesting...but nothing really develops... Who was Bababooey? Why was she interested in Valentina? Why was the Dog in the middle of the street with a weird cut in it's forehead...and surrounded by candles? Why did the camera make one person sick, one person collapse...who, what & why is Annette a creepy dominatrix doll that comes to life? (but looked hot & bare breasted)
I give it 2 stars, one for breasts, and 1 for a glimpse of the 1972 IKEA catalog. (her big round table lamp is still available!)
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
Worst of the series
They try to use the slug things from Night of the Creeps, the legless monster from Craig T. Nelsons mouth in Poltergeist 2, the Evil Dead's Necrinomicon, Freddy Krueger's glove, gay bondage, bad script, horrible story that has really nothing at all to do with the previous 8 movies...all tied together with barely any Jason. Jason doesn't go to Hell, the audience does, and the director will. I picked it up for $4, and that was $3 too much. 90 minute movie with 15 enjoyable minutes, and 75 painful ones. Some good deaths but it was not a F13 movie. The movie was pretty painful to watch, I probably will never watch it again, but my OCD forces me to keep it to have a complete collection. the "Batman and Robin"/"Halloween 3"/"Phantom Menace"/Police Academy goes to Moscow" of the series....
Horrors of War (2006)
missed potential...my critique
I love Monster, Zombie & War movies...I wish this movie could have decided what it wanted to be. Were the real "Horrors of War" your fellow soldiers attitudes? How they treat civilians? The decisions you must make to redeem yourself and save others? Mad Scientists? Nazi Mutant Zombies? French Werewolfs? Well, I was really hoping for more of the latter 3, (and more gore) but this could have worked as regular a war movie with any Nazi super weapon, the monster element seemed tacked on (especially there whole werewolf part, it seemed very much a pointless sidebar). I'd have rather seen more of a real Monster threat in a war setting.
from here on out.... >SPOILERS<
> The monsters came one at a time, and slowly. there wasn't much of a perceived 'Monster threat' leading to a big showdown, the big showdown was...well, awkward. Out of nowhere the Mutant Mad Doc and Werewolf start fighting, and the werewolf dies like a vampire...then after the "sacrificial choice", between a family man and another man, the man shown missing his family, sacrifices himself, mutates, and walks up, kills the doc in one punch...no real threat, then mutates back. We go from French werewolf's, to giant Super Nazi zombies to the climactic old man zombie in a lab coat?...in his secret lab guarded by a handful of Nazis and just one zombie. Where are the multiple monsters? all it takes is a shot of magic potion, there should have been a zombie training ground, ARMIES of Zombies...or an Uber-Monster, a Zombie Mutant Werewolf, all the components were there! I was expecting some twist, the evil Doctor maybe being a Vampire creating undead and supernatural beasts to rule the world through Hitler, the power coming from something extraordinary, or at least explained, mutant monster hybrids, civilians being poisoned to turned into a village of the dead army....Instead we get an old dude in a lab coat in a bombed out building, crying one second then somehow going Incredible Hulk the next....then taking one punch from a mutating soldier who just shot up...after a brief pointless few minute werewolf fight. We didn't get to care about the werewolf guy (he seemed very much an after thought, the entire wolf story had no point, that whole part could be excised and wouldn't really have been missed), the scientist, the main guy (who's name escapes me) It played like a video game (complete with scene break briefings) with a dull climax. Entertaining but to many things could have been better. Makes me wish I would have pursued writing, I could have beefed it up. I type like crap but I have great ideas! LOL! The one thing that really cheesed me off, was the extremely lame climax...dispute over who would sacrifice themselves by taking this syringe laying on the table..."A normal man can't beat that thing!" (even though they have already defeated 4 other larger ones with bullets to the head and they have a werewolf with them/ scene wipe/ there he is apparently he started fighting...oops he died like a vampire...all the while these guys were in another room, they didn't know the werewolf was dead, they didn't need to make that sacrifice yet. they should have taken the juice for 'intel' then been forced to take it to save themselves after wolfy died, and Mad Doc was after them. as a last resort. instead he shoots up, run ups and BAM kills the baddie in a second, then the 2 other soldiers spend 5 minutes deciding who would kill the Incredible Russo...then here comes the hero...BAM, OK, it had to be done...where was he in the mean time? Did he go take a dump while Russo-Hulk ran up to save the day and then writhe in agony? I was kind of reminded of a college paper that has to be 10 pages and you get 9 1/ 2 pages and say OK, this needs to end really quick, after 9 pages of filler...
The acting was good, I mean if an actor can make me think he's an a**-hole, that means to me he did his job. The potentially interesting characters needed fleshed out more, the only one really fleshed out were Russo, and the guy that had "fun" with the French women. We found out what motivated them, Russo had a family, and was losing his 'family'. The other guy was just a bad person, as told from his back story, (who shortly after gets his just due...I wish it had been gory though, and clearer as to why/how the girls brother became the wolf, I thought for sure the Nazis were creating them, but no, just one mutant can be created at a time)
Maybe the sequel...(there is potential... I have some good ideas, even integrating the additional post credit footage, which was great....if there was more of that in the actual movie!)