Reviews

As "Bikeriders" is about to come out, it's probably a good time to get acquainted with scumbag bikers and outlaw morals.

This would be a great compendium to "Stone Cold" and "Rush" (not the stupid Ron Howard movie, the one with Jason Patric)).

But this would be the last flick before people start to fall asleep.

Apparently this is based on the true story of Dan Saxon, a townie cop turned FBI undercover motorcycle gang narc.

Charlie Sheen plays Saxon. And, to be honest, he is so out of his league. He lacks the darkness that is more given to someone not as pretty as he is. In fact, the movie makes light of his nice face a few times. Not only is he babyfaced, but when he speaks, it sounds really phony. And surely the likes of head bike boss Michael Madsen would've ended up quickly. Sheen would never convince anyone he ever he is a greaseball.

Director Larry Ferguson has a pretty impressive pedigree as a writer "Hunt For Red October" "Highlander" and "The Presidio" to name a few. But here...I can see what he was attempting to do. At some points you can see his artistic integrity come through. He adds a Native American spiritual spin. The likes of which you could add "Thunderheart" to the undercover cop mix.

But those movies mentioned above are far more elevated than this one that feels made straight to video or late night Skin-a-max

The bright spot, and also baffling is Linda Fiorentino as a photographer. She seems lost in terms of documenting biker life. And then, more or less disappearing. She is onboard mostly to show her boobs and have vulnerability. But the rhythm of this movie is so disjointed. She hangs at the bar shooting pool when sure any other bar would've had greaseballs macking on her. They play her as a tough woman but we find out she is also a mother. It's that type of writing that makes it hard to like.

Madsen is also suppose to be really hard ass in it. For an hour and a half, all he does is tell us how badass he is. It doesn't play. I never felt the fear or anxiety with being around him. They put the scene where he does irrationally murder someone in the wrong place. This would've added a heightened fear. And Sheen never plays the character as he's all that afraid. Which he's suppose to act like he's not. I get it.

There also seems to be a buggy thought in your head. Madsen's character pays off the townie sheriff for bad townie behavior. Are we saying he's that corrupt. The smart writing would've had you had Madsen ask his corrupt stooge sheriff do research for him. As in "who's this new biker from Cleveland, Ohio?" The the audience has that fear for Sheen's character.

But, it's fun to watch stupid 90s biker movies. It's not too stupid where you hate the people who made it.

It was the 90's where everything had to look like a music video. This is no different. However, this was in the hands of a middle aged dude who just was attempting to remain youthful and comes off as Dad trying to make a movie. Every music video trick is on full display here. Dated flash frames, montage with music and so forth. This extends the movie to a perplexing near 2 hours slog.

Director Kevin Reynolds, whose previous producing efforts on "Dances With Wolves" proves not everyone should be in the director's chair.

The story is of a teacher Trevor Garfield (Samuel L. Jackson) who gets stabbed by a student in an inner city NYC school. So months later he goes to the next inner city school to get more of the same. Does that make sense? No.

Well, hold on.

He attempts to educate gangbangers in "The Valley" of Los Angeles. We know it's a tough school by the high contrast brown orange hue cinematographer Ericson Core throws on it ala OG "Fast & Furious". The look of this flick is so generically 90's. It's painful to go through these moments.

So he gathers the ire of the local thug gangbanger, Benny and his mini-gang (one being a very young Clifton Collins Jr. Not to be confused with Cliff Curtis) Slowly, the pot boils (or was suppose to). And then students start to disappear.

A solid premise though the movie has no idea where it wants to go. It wants to paint Jackson's character as an education focused teacher, in reality. But again, our expectation of this movie is that he gets at least, a little angry. He sulks throughout. Which is extremely frustrating to watch. He is mostly inactive. Except for things he does off-screen. That doesn't do much for the viewer.

He also takes on a love interest in the form of a computer science teacher, Ellen Henry (Kelly Rowan), who inexplicably takes a liking to him. No reason given really. Only that he seems like he can protect her from danger.

I think Reynolds was attempting to make us feel as frustrated about the system as Jackson was. But it doesn't compute.

There's a baffling moment when Ellen's dog is murdered and she grouses how Benny is threatening her life and her family and when he goes missing and Trevor admits he was involved, she is incensed by it. Why?! His death improved the community. Which is why this movie will be confusing to some of you. The set-up wants to be raw and real but the resolution isn't very Hollywood.

I can see when the director suddenly didn't know what movie it was suppose to be.

The tone of the movie never gets past slow simmer.

It's a slog to watch.

One of the saddest Sam Jackson movie he's ever been in.

The movie poster is illicit in that it features the piercing eyes of the nubile Elizabeth McGovern. What follows is a paint-by-numbers potboiler anchored by the perplexingly glib smug mug of...Steve Guttenberg?

Look, I want every actor to get out of his wheelhouse, but this is proof not everyone can do everything.

Steve is an every man, sure, but in this case, his every man ignores a few emotional beats. After his lover is murdered, the next scene is him going to McGovern's place and they have sex. Yep. Like nothing ever happened. These emotional beats are due to a poor script and a very poor decision by Curtis Hanson. This scene didn't need to be there. They could've survived without. These are the dumb things that derail the plausibility of the film. Also, the serial killer thing.

Though ahead of its time, there is no sense of dread or fear. After the assault, McGovern goes about her life as if it was just a simple thing. There is a brief moment where we hear that she hasn't been sleeping due to the trauma. This piece of dialogue is in the wrong place.

Things like this frustrate you to no end.

Re-casting...Steve Guttenberg...go with James Spader. I mean, (directot) Curtis Hanson works with him a few years later on "Bad Influence" Spader would seem more at home with this material.

In better hands this wouldn't be the drudgery that it is.

The story starts out VERY strong.

A lonely frontier woman needs to get three mentally ill women to a church for treatment along the way, she picks up a scalawag claim jumper who helps her journey. Sounds great, right?

Okay, the thing that Tommy Lee Jones doesn't understand is that the premise has it where his redemption isn't that he follows through with his promise, it's that he sacrifices himself as his entire being is that he is a selfish cur. That would've elevated this movie into a classic rather then the sad depressing never give a person a break.

I think that he was battling the case of being real and raw and going with a mythical tale. To me, frontier movies are more about the grander romanticized world. Perhaps he was also going so deep into the character of Briggs that he lost sight that it had to have an uplifting ending. Or maybe he was just following the book to a tee.

Any way -- There is a moment when he burns down a hotel because he was slighted. The easier solution was just to take the food.

Maybe I'm blaming the wrong thing. It is the source material and not the maker.

Can Hollywood ever get past the "humans suck" mentality?

Here Noa is a elevated chimp who is just trying to live his best lives with his pals. His world is invaded by some outside ape force (think "Conan The Barbarian") and he sets on the journey to find his tribe which was ape-napped(?).

A solid premise that reminds me of "The Searchers" as well. He comes across a human Mae, who they befriend each other, as only human and ape can (did I mention this is about 200 years after the Battle of Apes flick). Apparently, in this world humans are feral idiots (suppose that's us now). Especially online.

So they trek to find a king Ape (I know I'm saying "ape" a lot, as I am terrible at identifying the specific primate). Okay, so this community, I guess, is imprisoned to serve this King Ape who is being taught hierarchy or Roman history by a scholar of some kind. This is Proximus. Who takes on the teachings of Caesar (remember the previous ape movies, because I don't). This community worships this King. So they're also trying to get this massive door opened (think "Fallout") which is actually a vault shelter that once housed humans during a nuclear problem. Or, in this case, apes going nutty. Incidentally, I side with Proximus. All he wants to do is to learn things the humans did. Granted, only to subjugate his people. But at least he takes initiative.

Well, mysteries aside, a pretty decent start to kick the franchise back into gear. The CG is incredible. I mean...insanely good. And if this is the future, it is convincing. It's painstakingly seamless.

Story wise...meh. It still feel lackluster in pace. 2 hours and 40 minutes feels a little too indulgent for a movie about cuddly simians. That's another thing...why make them looks so cuddly? I guess they are. Fraya Allen's Mae is solid too. If you're looking for sentimentality between her and Noa. Forget it. Mae is a tough cookie. But quite understandable. After all, monkeys started controlling stuff her species made. And also, they have the ability to eradicate them. And, in this case, perhaps the kindness is not doing so.

There is absolutely no reason for this movie to be THIS bad. They didn't even have to follow a template from the 80s show!

At every turn when things could be fun, it isn't. The jokes are flat...if you can call them that. And everyone seems bored. Or not invested. The lines land flat with a thud. The whole experience feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. And the logic is non-existent.

For instance, the item in need is a cellphone that shows a crime. Do these braindead people understand the concept of a cloud? Why must this phone be a thing. MacGuffin as it may be, you spend a great deal of time wrapping your brain around the idiocy of everyone involved.

Okay, call it a paycheck or to keep their entertainment health insurance, this is mainly as a love letter to stunt people. A pitch to have them in the Oscars next year. Truth be told, this most likely put a nail in any push for a stuntman Oscar (which I've pitched since the late 90s).

I love the original show. It was campy, silly BUT Lee Majors just has something Ryan Gosling is missing. Yes, he has the muscles but Majors wasn't jacked. He was a working man with a half grin. Gosling plays him like a stoner loser.

Can ANYONE explain to me why he had to leave after his back accident?

Also, that comes and goes too.

There's no coherence to any of it. Emily Blunt looks lost. She could've easily been a character who wants to make arthouse flicks but is stuck making dumb action movies. Get the character of Chloe Zhao. She failed in a big actioner after "Nomadland." As it is, she doesn't have the body type nor the disposition of a camera operator turned director. I laugh even typing this.

The meta jokes are really stale.

I truly wanted to love this movie. It is an absolute disaster of a movie.

Okay, Ima play teacher here, who copied whose homework?? This is "Immaculate 2.0" Down to even stabbing a priest in the neck.

Same exact movie.

Also, this was as scary as watching Bob Ross paint little trees on a mountain. For some of you, that's scary. For sane people it'll boring.

Let's review some things in movie that might irk ya:-Jump scares from a roving mob happen only when you turn your head. Even though the parade is front of you-even though you witness the accidental death of someone, and you were left carrying his half torso, cops don't question you-after a nun emolates herself, the next day the nuns go on a field trip to a museum like nothing happened-let's keep befriending the girl who hears voices because...you also hear voices. Sh also licks your face and not but a scene before that freaked you out-party girl roommate dresses you up sexy-like to go party. You drink a lot and are carried back home. Can't remember anything and no further questions are asked-never seen a 666 on your own head? Really? It was at the crest of your hairline Easily viewable in mirror-the plot is that the are attempting to rebirth satans kid to...control satan? Or satans kid? Or put fear in secular jerks? Or...? Quite a fundraiser for God.

-nun is kid of Satan, yet wears a cross with no problems. Maybe I watch too many movies.

Crap movie-Dumbest movie of the year, and I saw Immaculate.

You're going to miss your friends and the moments that make up your memories.

And then pine for them when reality of life sets in.

Here are three precocious, plucky and determined kids who start off their adventure with a heist. Though the sense of morality will nick at your brain, it isn't necessary their crime but their Little Rascals way of doing it.

We learn it is to get a new video game system. A rather expensive heist (in kid money anyway). Not that it is excused, but the kids all come from broken homes. They aren't abused kids, but a little neglected. Similar to "The Florida Project" When the three scamps get home, they realized their Mom had locked them out of the television. She encourages them to go play outside, but they eventually make a deal with her to find a blueberry pie and then they can game for a few hours. Little do they know, it turns into a bigger adventure than they anticipated.

This film hits all the warm feelings o lazy summer days with your neighborhood pals. In this case, they are a bit limited, since it's in remote Wyoming.

The three kids even "adopt" a fourth kid which is all included in the fairy tale they've created for themselves. It has witches, ogres, wizards and some odd cult magic. For those who watched "Stand By Me" or "The Goonies" back in the day, you know you wanted to go on adventures with your friends. As one who grew up in Ohio, that feeling of hanging with your friends in the woods trying to find buried treasure is as close to the sensibility as I can describe.

The Mother sending them out for the pie is the typical catalyst of a lot of 80's flicks. It was never to get the pie, but to get them outside. And the ending where she dismissively waves off their absence as just a few hours is very reminiscent of a movie like "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" The kids are wonderful in this. Jodie, the one who is subtitled, delivers his lines so dismissively you have to laugh. Alice FEELS like that girl who is more emotionally advanced then the boys. Hazel has his ups and downs with childhood and adolescents And their adopted friend Petal is remarkable. Her long diatribe of their plot on a log thus far is one of the most impressive child acting I've seen in a while. I found myself laughing at the words pouring out. As she was near flawless. A moment later, there is a poignant conversation about their parents and a bit of backstory on each of them.

Childhood wonder is what is missing in cinema.

This fairy tale corrects that. A wonderful watch with friends in a theater.

I do not get the appeal of Sydney Sweeney. Perhaps in this case playing a nun and taking the focus off her chest and onto her face spotlighted the flaw in which Syd exists in. Which is an oblong blank face.

Can we stop pretending she is anything but chest? Or are we still in this odd phase where she is the "new look" Hollywood will go with.

Okay, so she's a nun here. And the powers that be leave no time in pointing out her attractive face. The Italian Customs agents, to be precise. Why? Who knows. Perhaps it's to give her the sense of leering foreboding. Works better if her character understood Italian.

She's an American who has elected to be a nun at this creepy Italian place (sound familiar? "Suspiria", duh). Shortly after encountering weird bumps in the night, she is informed she's pregnant! Oh...and by Immaculate Conception. Get it? The title. Just break the 4th wall and stare in the camera, Syd.

Any way, the secret is that the church has one of the nails that Christ was nailed to the cross with. Eye roll. And this creepy convent has been experimenting with impregnating nuns with the blood DNA lingering on that nail.

Yeeeeep. Seriously.

I would say this is truly b-level silliness. But it's shot so somberly, it's hard to fall under the category of "so bad, it's good" Ari Aster has nothing to worry about.

The ending leaves a lot to be desired. Half the audience will want to see if the baby looks normal and Jesus-like, the other half will have already left the theater. Either way, she smashes it with a rock. None of this makes sense to her character or the links to the clues as to whether this creation is definitively evil. She just ups and kills it.

Seriously.

SO absolutely fed up with the sycophants and people who feel they NEED to love this film, when it is a weak carbon of everything fantasy movie before it. Yet they dogged on "John Carter" Syndicated reviewers pretend they haven't seen a movie in the last 20 decades. And it is all so tiring. Had any of you watched ANY "Star Wars" and any spinoffs you'd know how derivative this movie is. It's tedious slog through a battle no one cares about.

And yet, it was writer Frank Herbert who most likely influenced Lucas and Verhoeven and Ridley Scott and so forth. Fine. Give him that credit. But Denis Villenueve is no where near them. Blasting horns and rumbling desert Earth does not make it a intellectual's fever dream. This is BORING. Yes...get it through your heads, this is BORING. And most of you are too afraid to tell your friends that. This is that movie where you have to like it or you're dumb. That's how they make you feel.

Any way, 1984 "Dune" still holds up the best. It doesn't have to extend these worlds into part "Gladiator" part "Star Wars" part "Galaxy Quest" Ugh.

Also, Austin Butler's villain character is laughably stupid. He beats people in an arena where he is shielded to win. Then when they are injured, he decides to drop the shield. He is a weak character. Not frightening in the least. You could slap his face and he'd drop the blades. Horrible and laughable.

Stop pretending you're smart. Take a step back and ask yourself what you just watched. The answer is: nothing. Go ahead, think about it.

Sincerity is hard to come by in this cynical world. So, we flash back to 1994 to get this great story of determination and redemption.

HIlary Swank plays real life "ordinary angel" Sharon Stevens. An unapologetic alcoholic that is haunted by her emotions. Upon reading an article in a paper about a Dad who lost his wife and now has a child with a rare liver disease, she sets out to find them help. A little on the Erin Brokovich sensibility here, but what works...works.

Hilary plays Sharon as a woman who does not take "no" for an answer (she literally says it a lot). And this type of person we tend to dismiss as phony. But she moves mountains due to the lack of shame. We find out later why.

Though this has an aura of faith based, it isn't at all. They pull back a lot. Alan Ritchson's portrayal of a man who has forsaken his God is genuine. You sense the bad fortune that his befallen him. Though both hide their inner demons, they rise naturally to the surface.

Yes, a lot is corny. They do the roller skating thing. Sharon saves their home through her moxie to speak to the billing people at the hospital. That sort of thing. But it's hard to resist Hilary's plucky nature to...get...things...done.

The answer to why is doled out in small parts. And am grateful for that.

In a studio funded movie that is budgeted above 100 million, you may see them have a romantic love. But that isn't the story here. This is about abnormal friendships that come with hardship. And in the heart of Kentucky (if you've ever been) you know this does exists. Good people doing good things for one another.

Yes, be skeptical about the events that unfold. But there's a few things you know... the young girl is saved, and the two real life people are friends to this day.

How can that not be inspiring for us living in a digital world?