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Event Horizon (1997)
The greatest movie ever made
This is the greatest movie ever made.
If you wish to argue with me on this I will meet you at a location of your choosing and engage you in a fistfight until you change your philistine mindset.
Also Paul WS Anderson didn't put his talentless wife Mila Jovovich in this one, which instantly qualifies it as the best movie he's ever made.
Alien (1979)
Masterpiece of cinema
When it comes to horror nothing comes close to the tension and claustrophobia of the 1979 classic Alien. However, as Treasurer of the American Mid West chapter of The Tom Skerritt Appreciation and Fandom Society I am absolutely appalled that he is killed of unceremoniously mid-way through the film which is why Alien is only deserving of a 9/10.
What's particularly jarring is that from a contextual perspective of the 1970's, all the cast are relatively unknown character actors save Mr. Skerritt, who plays the role of Captain Dallas. In what would be considered a betrayal of traditional narrative, Tom is juxtaposed with the rest of the cast as being a cool headed, calm and competent leader in amongst a ragtag crew of dissenters and disorganised space miners who you quite frankly immediately dislike. When Mr. Skerritt is faced with the decision of landing on an Alien planet, he chooses to stand steadfast by his convictions and avoid any potential threat to his crew however due to the interfering nature of a supercomputer and a duplicitous British robot, Mr. Skerritt is hamstrung and forced to obey company procedure. In the light of chaos which erupts from another equally annoying English man's chest, Lord Skerritt assertively takes charge and spearheads the hunt for the extraterrestrial creature. In an absolutely heroic moment of selflessness, Thomas equips himself with a flame thrower in order to flush out the beast from the poorly designed air ducts which results in the saddest moment of 1979 for all members of The Tom Skerritt Appreciation and Fandom Society when he is snatched by the alien and presumably either killed or taken to the alien lair. Whichever the consequence being, I didn't choose to continue watching as I was devastated by this Machiavellian plot twist and immediately turned the movie off in disgust.
I proceeded to watch a marathon of Top Gun, SpaceCamp, Big Man on Campuss and Contact which immediately restored my faith in Tom Skerritt related cinematography.
Also can I please add how absolutely heinous and disgusting it is that such an honourable director as Ridley Scott would condone a movie where a wet towel of an actress like Veronica Cartwright is somehow able to outlive a god like Tom Skerritt, it's absolutely ridiculous and Mr. Scott should be ashamed.
Gravity (2013)
Really stirred up my motion sickness
Look everyone raved over this but it's just basically Speed but in space and and instead of a bus it's space station woooooo.
Sandra Bullock again plays Annie Porter, who this time decides that space is a safer option than catching the LA metro or going on a Caribbean cruise. The terrorist this time is those pesky Russian commies as their space related communist tomfoolery causes the station to get blown up. George Clooney replaces Keanu Reeves as he was too busy doing John Wick, which I find disappointing but given how garbage Speed 2 was (apart from Willem Dafoe), I totally understand why he turned this one down.
Anyway there's some convoluted plot where they try to space float across to another space station and that brings about some introspective conversations about as riveting as watching paint dry. There's a whole bunch of first person perspective space tumbling which made me massivey nauseous and George Clooney dies because of something or other I can't quite remember as I was too busy vomiting up those quesadillas I had for lunch. Anyway Sandra Bullock annoys me to no end and I'm definitely not watching Speed 4, which presumably will be set in a Botox clinic considering how 'ageless' Ms Bullock is. Let's hope they bring back Willem for that one if he's not too busy starring in some black and white movie about lighthouses Jesus wept.
Life of the Party (2018)
A Great movie for people who hate themselves
You know I wish Ben Falcone would just do a remake of Million Dollar Baby starring Melissa McCarthy. That way I can watch the stool scene on repeat and objectively say there's at least one Ben Falcone/Melissa McCarthy movie I actually enjoyed.
Thunder Force (2021)
Is anyone really surprised?
According to Wikipedia, The New York Times ranked Melissa McCarthy #22 in its list of the 25 Greatest Actors of the 21st Century - citation required. That just goes to prove that either a) Wikipedia is a highly unreliable source of credible information or b) The New York Times has an incredible sense of humour.
I have sat in AA meetings funnier than this pile of flaming garbage however it does give me hope that I too will find an investor to finance me filming my bowel movements, which is literally what this movie is. This is the type of movie to make William Friese-Greene wish he'd taken up woodwork instead of inventing motion picture.
Deliverance (1972)
Been wanting to go on a canoeing trip for a while
What initially seems like a fairly serious premise, John Boorman does a fantastic job of creating what I would consider to the best summer comedy of 1972. Three big city hotshots and one unlikable fat man decide to embark on a coming-of-age canoe trip in some shithole in the backwoods of America and encounter a bunch of zany characters who give our heroes a rich lesson in the culture and traditions of a lesser known area of world. Such encounters involve a banjo lesson from a child of the local gifted and talented school and a game of shotgun hide and go seek, which Jon Voight wins albeit unconvincingly taking advantage of a gentleman who appears to not be completely in control of his faculties. Speaking of hiding things, there is a great wrestling scene between two men, which really encapsulates the essence of masculinity and human triumph, who decide to sort out their stark contrasts in socioeconomic status and cultural beliefs like true men, Mano a Mano. Heartwarming stuff guys.
The Abyss (1989)
I liked it
Ed Harris gives us practical and engaging tips on how to perform CPR on a dead person and bring them back to life by calling them a bitch and following up with a hefty slap to the grill. Michael Beihn, who is my favourite actor of the 80s, does his best impression of someone having a hypoglycaemic episode in a snickers commercial and tries to nuke some underwater aliens, which is fair because he's only following on from his experiences with Sigourney Weaver where the aliens were less friendly aquatic creatures and more so assholey and acid-y. There's some oxygenated pink goo stuff too.
Shining Through (1992)
Michael Douglas' freakish libido strikes again
Well here we go again. This time Michael Douglas plays a fairly unconvincing spy who unleashes his hog upon a young Melanie Griffith who he manages to gaslight into spying on Nazis for him. Once again however his hog manages to get him into all kinds of hijinx which results in him being shot multiple times all in the name of getting laid. Oh dang is that a spoiler? Well he survives and apparently lives happily forever after with Melanie Griffiths, who would later book the fucc out of there to go hang out with the significantly more attractive and significantly more Spanish Antonia Banderas. Mind you Mr Douglas winds up with significantly less Spanish (despite the Spanish sounding name) Catherine Zeta Jones, who is actually Welsh and a sturdy 8/10 in my books.
Good movie overall
Fatal Attraction (1987)
Glen Close isn't even hot
If you read my review of Paul Verhoeven's 1992 informative national geographic documentary 'Basic Instinct' you'd know I have an issue with Michael Douglas' hog. In this movie the issue worsens with severe environmental implications when Michael's hog ends up inadvertently costing an innocent rabbit it's life. Glen Close despite not being even remotely attractive, gives us a practical and efficient way to make stew for the family
Bravo 8/10
The House (2017)
I gave it 2 stars to make up for the lack of stars in this
Note - I'm currently 4min 36sec and I can tell this movie will be terrible.
Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler both were paid in excess of 2 million dollars to 'act' in this movie which goes to show that Hollywood and regional circuses are the only two places in the world that will pay clowns to make fools of themselves.
I've been to palliative care units with more life than this movie.
Rock of Ages (2012)
The 80s sucked balls
They made that don't stop believing song into a 90 minute musical plus Tom Cruise trying to slam some babe half his age. If you want to re-live the 80s go buy a bag of coke and go roller skating. Yabba dabba doo
Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
A modern classic
I watched this on VHS in 1997 and it was the most exhilarating movie of my childhood. I watched it again in 2018 and it continues to be the most exhilarating movie of my adulthood. Tim Curry plays a pirate getting up to usual pirate tomfoolery trying to find buried treasure on an island via some vague and poorly drawn map which he steals from a child who most likely is a little boy but gets confused for a girl in a number of jokes which have aged poorly in this current sociopolitical climate. There's also talking animals and jaunty musical numbers which instantly makes this a 10/10.
New Year's Eve (2011)
I don't care about this movie
Robert de niro is in it for a bit playing himself but older and Katherine heigl is there too trying to convince us she can act ha ha. Convoluted and boring plot which is surprising considering it's a movie based on the most exciting time of the year. I paid $23 to see this at the cinemas and that's the funniest part of the movie if you ask me.
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Pretty good for a movie with no explosions
Alex Baldwin reminded me of my father, I cried for 4 days after watching this movie
Sphere (1998)
Cool but where are the aliens?
I give it 8/10 just because they made a movie about Queen Latifah being killed by jellyfish