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Reviews
Manborg (2011)
Not Bad, for $1,100.00
As a fan of cheesy / bad flicks, I found "Manborg" a breath of Columbian Redbud scented air. Often, "bad-on-purpose" movies just plain suck, but "Manborg" took its awfulness seriously, doing its daggonest to astound with ineptitude, wooden acting, and the fact that (allegedly) the entire production budget was around $1,100 in Canadian money.
I've seen much worse films (4-X, "Curse of the Headless Horseman") that were dead serious, but nowhere near as entertaining. "Manborg" should be on the must-see list of every fan of cine-cheese, if only to see that such a thing can be accomplished.
My only regret is that there's no such film as "Bio-Cop".
Bread Crumbs (2011)
Bread-crumbly.
Personally, I'm tired of the "movie-made-by-drunk-college-kids-for-drunk-college-kids" sub-genre of horror films, and this qualifies, although to be honest, it's not as bad as some I've seen.
The acting ranged from adequate to awful, the opening scene was all too familiar, i.e. bunch of profane, plastered college kids arrives out in the woods, alternately teasing and cussing each other out. There really wasn't much original here, just some re-arranging of the second-hand furniture. It's sad that so much available technology is wasted in the name of easy pseudo-shocks and nudity / gore.
These kids, plus an older (thirty-ish) woman, are at a remote cabin to film a porno movie (read, excuse for nudity and sex scenes)when they encounter a strange brother and sister team. Unless you've been a cave sniffing glue for the past thirty years, there's no surprises here, although this may be the goal; nothing challenging, just more gawk-chow.
The Silencer (1992)
Not Silent Enough!
I recently purchased THE SILENCERS, as part of Mill Creek's EXPLOSIVE CINEMA 12-film package. The first thing I noticed was, all the guns in this flick that had silencers (and there were a lot of them), made real loud "BANG!" noises. The rest of the movie worked about as well.
At $5.00 for EXPLOSIVE CINEMA, this little gem set me back a mere fifty cents....and I still feel ripped off, but in a fun, cheesy way. The acting was dreadful, the basic story hackneyed, and the characters, in some cases, unclear; 4-X, was the guy who was following her a former lover, her former boss, or the Grim Reaper, or (D), all of the above? Also,there were so many technical glitches, sound, lighting, etc. that it just rubs one's nose in the fact that this probably showed under the drive-in.
Robo Vampire (1988)
Great Googly-Moogly!
To describe "Robo Vampire" as a "trainwreck" would imply that it has more continuity than it does; indeed, this film seems to have been made by at least two separate film crews at different times, then stuck together.
I've read Chinese folklore, and I don't recall ever reading about hopping vampires who shoot sparks out of their sleeves. Of course, without them, this flick would be a lot less fun. The head vampire wears a gorilla mask, and has an affair with a ghost girl in a see-through top, with what sounds like a Midwestern accent.
There's gangsters, soldiers, mercenaries, cops, vampires, and a cyborg who looks like he was crafted from disposable roasting pans and duct tape.
Overall, the film is reminiscent of the worst of Al Adamson, with an Asian flavor.
Astro-Zombies (1968)
Best Served With Pizza, Malt Liquor, And Columbian
Back in the late Seventies, all-night TV programming was just beginning in my home (Cleveland)market, and it was a boon to pub crawlin' rock music / potheads like me; coming in at two or three in the morning, generally higher than Japanese beef prices, we'd turn to "8 All Nite" or "Movie 5" for stimulation, aka trip.
"The Astro-Zombies" was an "8 All-Nite" staple, showing a half-dozen times between 1977 and 1980. And why not? This movie was made for late night consumption, particularly when garnished with cold pizza, warm Colt 45, and some funny cigarettes.
John Carradine is at it again, bellowing like an elephant seal whilst doing mad scientist stuff in a Kiwanis haunted house-type laboratory.His assistant, Fanchot, has a thing for girl's feet, and possibly grew up to be Quentin Tarantino.
Da Good Docta is trying to produce the perfect astronaut, using the tried and NASA-approved method of stitching dead body parts together; this never goes well, but you can't tell this guy anything. The fruits of his labor look like day players in cheap suits, with skull masks over their faces-they are Astro-Men, or (hence the title)Astro-Zombies.
Unbeknownst to this dime-store Einstein, one of his creatures has been sneaking out at night, and (gasp!)killing beautiful young women. (You'd think....every once in a while....that a rampaging monster could bump off a couple of those mummified aunts, you know the ones with the mink stoles with the heads still on them, and the lipstick? The kissy ones?)
But I digress.... Wendell Corey, as an FBI man, prints his performance in fat pencil on grade-school lined paper, and mails it in-he almost puts himself to sleep. This is counterbalanced by the man- eating zeal of Tura Satana, as the head bad person, blood-stopping in tight Chinese dresses, stiletto pumps, and an entire can of Clabber Girl Baking Powder on her face.
(Query....why would a Red Chinese agent have Raphael Campos as a lieutenant?)
Never mind.... Ms. Satana is nearly orgasmic in her performance, clearly enjoying herself as she dumps an entire clip into one of her victims, as he floats in a swimming pool, and torturing another with a lit cigarette.
This film is replete with cheap chills, unintentional laughs, and enough cheese to top Northern Italy. Buy it, rent it, stay up and watch it; you'll thank me.
Secret World (1988)
Sir Christopher, We Feel You
This may have been the esteemed actor's worst project ever, even eclipsing Starship Invasions. A syndicated product, The Secret World purported to show the occult workings of the world, even those of animals.
The show consisted of stock footage of wildlife, ants, gorillas, octopuses, et al, going about their business while Sir Christopher, under oogety-boogety lighting and surrounded by Halloween props, stentorially intoned about these creature's plans to take over the world.
For his part, the future knight did have the decency to look embarrassed while doing this.
If you've come home late, and you're too stoned to get to sleep right away, The Secret World is great 2 am viewing, certainly better than an infomercial.
French Quarter (1978)
Perhaps The Best Of a Bad Set
I found "French Quarter" in a MillCreek 12-film set, Dangerous Babes. To be honest, most of the films in the set I've viewed so far, (including the infamous "Sextette"), were awful. "French Quarter"was much better than I'd expected, well done, entertaining, and not an insult to either my intelligence or tastes.
I know nothing of its release history-indeed, I'd never heard of it prior to buying Dangerous Babes. I would've gladly paid money to view it theatrically, which certainly can't be said for a lot of Crown International / MilllCreek releases.
The film's split between past and (then) present New Orleans was novel, at least for this type of film, and the use of actual historical figures added to the entertainment value. The acting, lead by Bruce Davidson, was quite good, not the usual mumbling often found in Crown International product.
I highly recommend "French Quarter" to anyone with an interest in soft fantasy films, and / period pieces.
Il boia scarlatto (1965)
Italian Cheese, For Your Viewing Pleasure
BLOODY PIT OF HORROR is one of those films that one must discuss when talking about cinecheese with friends; it has so much to recommend it.
Italian horror. Sixties. Girls. Bad acting. More girls. What's not to like?
The Crimson Executioner ranks as one my top ten favorite bad villains, seemingly channeling Adam West on some bad Bat-hash,and generally giving his all for the cause.
There are other things that give this movie its distinctive aroma, but the C.E. steals the show; he deserved a sequel,no matter how illogical it would've been.
The Black Scorpion (1957)
Cheesy, Yes....So What?
THE BLACK SCORPION (1957) can arguably be called "cheesy", in terms of production values, etc; So?
Willis O' Brien gives us great stop-motion monsters in this, and the silly scorpion face wasn't his fault. Some of the dialog is a wee bit chewy, but that's standard for the genre-Shakespeare it ain't, and ain't s'posed to be. Judge films like this on their own merits, and on what they're meant to do.
There's genuine creepiness here, 4-X, when the guy is found dead, after emptying every shot from his rifle into....something.
I've seen this film at least a dozen times over the years, and I'm trying to find a DVD copy I can afford....This, I want in my library.