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jvontheprowl
Reviews
Northmen: A Viking Saga (2014)
Great action and practical effects ruined by Emmental cheese plot
The action is great. Lots of tension and believable fighting. I applaud the film makers for the effort put into it.
That could have been just the start. It had the making of an 8 or 9 movie. The plot has been done over and over and over again. Bad guys on a nonsensical mission. Good guys have to save the only woman in the movie. Lots of sacrifice and vengeance. Seen it before and they don't even bother to try to make any deviation.
The historical inaccuracies abound in this mess. I could nit pick for a good hour or two about the armour, weapons, how fake the Norse are portrayed (like out of fantasy literature, comic, or cheesy 1970s movies of blood thirst bad asses with no culture and act dumb and stereotypical heathens), how convenient that made up warriors from Carpathia showed up hundreds of years before they made trading trips to the isles which is just mentioned and never brought up again.
If you assume theirs no CGI, you don't know what CGI is and how it's used. The blood is CGI. Arrows CGI. Some of the fire scenes CGI. The traps CGI. There's a lot of CGI in this movie. Sort of silly to think there isn't CGI, especially in a lower budget production.
What I do like about their CGI, it's played well. They don't focus on it. It's one and done. It made the movie seem like a high budget blockbuster. That may be the magic of this movie's editor. They did an excellent job piecing this together and possibly tightened up the action. Props go out to the, possibly, underpaid editor
It is a fun sword and slash movie. The fight scenes are pretty cool. Just have to turn off that this movie is based on any factual evidence or events and it's just a stupid movie for people that want bloody gore fights with CGI blood and animals.
Can I recommend this? I don't know. If you like high action Norse movies like me, watch it. It's fun just as a hack em up Viking movie. If you want a story, don't expect one. If you want historical accuracy, don't bother.
I feel bad giving this a 6. It's just all the little bits I noticed that dropped it down. Plus the comically nonsensical bad guys that have to continually prove their bad. Major little man's syndrome and they put any Bond Villain to shame.
Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)
Oh Hai Joe.
This movie is terrible. Everything from the cast of F list all-stars (Tommy Wiseau) to every scene being chewed by everyone. The martial arts is laughable. It's painfully self aware. It's also bizarre in every aspect.
That's why I love it. It is so bad that I laughed at every scene. Tommy Wiseau sent it over the top.
I don't know what everyone saw with the negative reviews. You don't go into a movie like Samurai Cop 2 expecting academy award performances. You need zero expectations besides it being a very terrible movie.
This holds the same so bad it's funny vibe that the first had and and amps up the terrible to magical levels.
If you nose dive into this mess with no expectations, you'll get laughs out of it. If you are expecting anything that you shouldn't with a movie like this, you will be disappointed.
Things (1989)
Canada must pay reparations for this crime against humanity..
I don't know what's going on in this movie. All I know is I started smelling toast and my ears started to bleed.
There isn't a single aspect of this movie that is worth watching. It just nose dives into insanity right off the bat.
House II: The Second Story (1987)
Tries to hard to be funny
This movie is scattered and can't make up it's mind about what genre it wants to be seen.
Is it a horror? Is it a fantasy? Is it a stupid drama? Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? You never find out.
The jokes are repetitive and stupidly self aware. The gags get boring. There are pointless characters that feel tacked on and story points that bloat this movie in unnecessary directions. They should have cut Bill Maher's character completely out of the movie and his entire pointless arch. It would have set the stakes higher and removed the most stupid moments of the movie.
It is shameful and self aware. The only bits that are creative or well done are some of the practical effects. Gramps makeup is stunning. Really makes his character. The fault of everything else is in the poor and scattered directing and the banal screenplay that crams jokes down your throat like you are sick with a soar throat.
The worst gag is the running over the random pilar in the drive. Wasn't funny the first time, wasn't funny the 356th time.
Maybe you can watch it once just to say you did. Besides that it's just another terrible comedy from the 80s.
Busanhaeng (2016)
Tired of zombie movies.
People aren't going to like my opinion in that zombies are easy mode bad guys and that some how they can do everything superman can now.
I enjoyed the movie. It became tiresome with bizarre moments that defy explanation. Just because you can make anything do about everything, doesn't mean you should. The zombies became cartoonishly silly by the end.
The end had moments where the previous movie sort of got lazy. Wounds not making any sense and incredibly stupid mistakes that you would not ever do just to force the desired ending.
I'm a nit picker and noticed that right away. Had to take a star off for that one moment that mucked the story up.
It is definitely a movie worth seeing. That's if you still like zombie movies. Someone needs to make an effort in the horror genre to take chances. If this movie came out 10 years prior, it would have been spot on. I just roll my eyes when I see zombies in any movie advertisement. What fantastical feats are they going to do this time?
Shark Exorcist (2014)
Deep hurting
There isn't a single bit of this that is worth watching. It was painful to finish the movie. I've love and watch terrible movies and this has nothing to redeem it. Sure the first couple times a woman is writhing on the ground is silly. It is a terrible movie. Probably the worst movie I've ever seen.
Psycho Goreman (2020)
Tons of laughs
This is about the silliest movie ever made. The interactions with PG and Mimi are more memorable than E. T.
This movie has non stop slapstick, silly nonsense, and the craziest two children ever born.
There will be laughs. It also has its heart warming moments. Fully entertaining.
Don't Panic (1987)
Silly nonsense.
First, worth watching just for the bizarre nonsense of the entire movie.
Pretty much about an idiotic weirdo, 17 year old, that suffers from montageitis and wears dinosaur pajamas while running around like a loon trying to stop some weirdo that likes to throw foam blocks about. Mix that with every mess of an event is just plot convenience after plot convenience.
I've been to Mexico D. F. a few times and not once offered Ice Cream for breakfast or watched the 24/7 Ron Cobb channel.
This movie is a bad movie. It is the type of bad that it becomes a fun watch for how many times you will laugh at the bizarre moments in the movie from the beginning to the weird ending.
He runs around the city in dinosaur pajamas. The cops should have locked him up just for that. Where did they even find a set, grown-up size?
Contamination (1980)
Why was this a Video Nasty?
Pretty much a ship with green eggs (that resemble giant avocados) bound for Dr. Seuss is found in "New York" harbour. Insanity follows at a confusing pace. It has exposition up till the very end. Terrible dubbing. It is just a mess.
There is only one moment of blood and it's brief. There's no sex. No drug use. No grotesque scenes. Why was this a Video Nasty? It is tame even by Hammer film standards. My guess is this was the only movie truly deserving of being banned due to good taste.
It is a terrible movie. The direction is gutter worthy. The director was even an unapologetic jerk about the actress on this which went a bit too far with outright public bullying calling her old and ugly. I don't like naming and shaming and that cancel culture mess, he just went a bit to far into the realm of potential civil lawsuits.
Beyond all that... The story is garbage. Even up to the end there is exposition. It is an utterly shameful movie and a deliberate copy of a Ridley Scott movie that came out a bit before this mess.
This is a marginally watchable movie. It is so bad that it is funny. I can't recommend it for its gripping story or quality directing. It has neither.
Creepshow: Pipe Screams/Within the Walls of Madness (2021)
Barbara Crampton in one of her campiest roles.
The first episode is a good, campy, B movie send off.
Most people have had those property managers that are crazy and you loathe your time with them. In the first segment you have retribution.
Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator, Castle Freak, etc) and her scream queen scream is worth watching.
Within the Walls of Madness gives off a John Carpenter's The Thing mixed with H. P. Lovecraft style of the downward spiral of sanity within truth.
These are two of some of the best Creepshow episodes. You have a campy B movie vibe and a dark gothic horror story.
Creepshow: The Right Snuff/Sibling Rivalry (2021)
The Right Snuff was brilliant, Sibling Rivalry not so much.
Loved the twist at the end. The did a great job at presenting the psychological emptiness one would feel in that situation. The second episode... I wanted to slap that girl at the beginning but it takes a bit to get interesting. It's not that bad if you have patience and wait 10 minutes to arrive at it's destination. It becomes pretty creative after the twist.
And if people believe these are to have a moral then they have no idea what Creepshow is or the movies and comic it is inspired from. There are no moral tales like The Twilight Zone. These are tales that are meant to scare or bend your mind. Even in the movies, the shoe horn segment is about vengeance.
Creepshow is not a bubblegum show. Shouldn't expect it to be a bubblegum show.
Next of Kin (1982)
Slow burn and worth it for the ending.
First, this movie is a very slow burn. When you get to that moment of Zen in horror where the exposition has finished and you are left with no where to go besides downhill to the conclusion, it goes fast.
It works with this movie. The director did a genius job at hiding the big discovery with pieces throughout the slow burn. This movie gives off a major Hitchcockian vibe with the development and the end.
I applaud any movie that comes close to fooling me with a twist. This is in line with Argento and Fulci. They manage to come close. This is up there with them.
I can't praise that ending and the pacing in this that fits. If you are a borrow buff, this is a must see.
Mil gritos tiene la noche (1982)
The Spanish critique of American Universities.
Do not expect any piece of this movie to make one bit of sense. It doesn't. Not an ounce makes any sense at all.
It is supposed take place in Boston. Except the architecture is not from the area. The outlets are Spanish, Spanish motorcycle, Spanish version of cars.
The dialogue will make you laugh. Especially with all the cops sounding like Joe Friday from Dragnet with odd inflection and very short fuses. They also dont resemble Bostonion cops. They look Spanish.
The dubbing is the best I've seen out of watching 7 year old video presentations.
No other movie has this much talent and each actor pulling off their poorest performances.
This movie should be experienced by everyone. Just to view one of the most brilliant poor movies ever made.
It does have a good soundtrack that works besides the random marching band/circus music after the random, gripping, tennis match.
It has the most random scene in movie history that just happens with no explanation. Sure this wasade by the guy that made Pod People and Supersonic Man so you can't expect much. For some reason there is a random "Kung Fu Professor" that shows up like he got drunk and wandered into set during filming and they couldn't afford to edit it out so they kept it like it made any sense at all.
The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972)
This movie made more money than The Godfather.
I am not kidding about that. It was the 9th grossing film of 1972. It made 20 million more than The Godfather.
I have seen this movie a few times in various formats including in the theatre. It is one of those gems of monster movies that is addictive. A lonely bigfoot comes in contact with inept locals which leads to shenanigans and an epic narrator/performer of the theme song/director/writer/producer.
It is one of those movies you shouldn't miss. It is a perfect lesson for budding filmmakers on how to sell your movie. This was filmed on a recycled 16mm and because of the passion of the film maker it exploded into an international hit.
The soundtrack is actually pretty good for an outdoors movie of that era. Mostly because the filmmaker ran into a legitimate Hollywood composer and they hit it off. The guy did a professional soundtrack for a movie that cost pennies on the dollar.
I can't praise this movie enough. It's not a long watch. It is a great laugh and a fun lazy afternoon movie.
Dèmoni (1985)
Plot holes and a story that is only connected by coincidence
First, this movie had a half dozen different Italian horror masters working on it. They had their own touch to it. Unfortunately, they all couldn't communicate to each other what was going on. So characters appear out of no where. Monsters dead come back to life. Monsters with previously missing limbs keep growing them back and getting them hacked off again like no one was paying attention. The impossibly confusing theatre has halls and mysterious walkways that head in a labyrinth type layout.
Then the ending makes no sense. The person that died was not injured ever but the person that was lived because Italians can't have a woman seem more important than a male that is mocked outside of Italy for being Cabot of Gor. His character is the epitome of Italian machismo. He is handsy and doesn't take no for an answer. Then drags the woman around like she is his property. It was grating. Part of the key horror cookie cutter items is The Final Girl.
Anyways, besides all the plot issues, it's a fun movie and because it's all over the board, it makes it hilarious. It's a bad bad movie. With the great gore and effects, it's worth watching. There are much better examples of Italian horror. Watch a giallo movie if you want a great Italian horror. It is fun. Just don't base your view on Italian horror on this movie.
Blood Feast (1963)
Bloody dreadful movie, oh so fun to watch.
This was one of the first movies I had watched. I was 6 and my uncle got a print of it and we had a special double feature movie night with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. My uncle said that I kept calling the people rude and idiots for going inside that farm house without getting an answer but that's a different movie. These movies were nothing compared to the bed time stories my uncle and aunts would tell me. Something about life above the Arctic Circle that brings that out of people.
During the second feature in that movie, my uncle said that I was giggling the entire time and trying to copy that insane look from the villain. I also asked why one of the kills had roast beef in her head. And mocking a guy in a panic that sounded like he was on too much sugar.
This movie has it all. Especially the incredibly terrible dialogue. My favourite is "Well Frank, it look like one of those long hard ones!" I have said that numerous times and have many fun responses. Being that I do not swing that way and enjoy the company of other women, it always gets a chuckle. Most have no idea that I am mocking Blood Feast.
The blood is over the top. The acting is camp. The sets are cheap. The plot is all over the place and makes no sense. The sound was probably recorded at an airport hangar due to the massive echo. Which makes it brilliantly perfect.
I still watch it from time to time to get a good laugh at the entire mess. This movie makes Plan 9 from Outer Space seem Academy Award worthy.
If you have a soft spot for terrible cinema or horror, this is a must watch. Every piece of it is a work of art and an example of how not to make a movie.
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Five stars for being the stinker of the series.
The director should be ashamed of how they treated treated the series. It loosely covers the end of 4. Being that Michael Myers was hit by a car and shot.
In 4 it was a sinkhole and there wasn't a raging river feet behind it and it was a forest. In 5 it was a mine shaft and a raging river was somehow just behind it for some reason. In 4 Jamie went Coocoo banana nuts at the end and killed her stepmum. 5 her mum is okay.
That much drift in the story is insulting. Especially being that 5 was released a year after 4.
You also have the goofy circus cop theme which completely destroys the seriousness and feel of the movie. How can we take the menacing Meyers serious when there's two Italian clown cops bumbling around?
Most the deaths are meaningless and not at all memorable. The only memorable character was Donald Pleasance and he was not at all relatable. The only relatable character is killed off near the beginning in the most pointless death of all of them.
This is all on the director's bloody hands. It's shameful and an insult. Even 3 is watchable and entertaining if you hide that it is a Halloween movie.
The interactions between Jamie and Dr. Loomis are the best part of the movie and worth watching.
All-in-all this is watchable. It is a Halloween movie so you can't go wrong with some entertainment. Just know it's the blasphemous part of the series.
Black Christmas (1974)
The ending broke the movie.
This will be an unpopular review. Just hear me out.
The movie has its great moments and memorable moments. John Saxon is hunky John Saxon around his height. (The story behind how he got the role is really sad. You should seek it out.)
There are too many red herrings that have no point to the story. The movie moves so incredibly slow. It keeps trying to take off and the lack of backstory and focus on the many flat jokes just yanks it down.
I read all these praises about this movie and looked forward to watching this film. I don't understand the praise. Even amongst the genre it isn't that good. Compared to Tobe Hooper's Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which came out months before this so don't think this is the first slasher, it is Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes.
It doesn't hold up to movies of that genre's era. Many of the firsts people attribute it for, aren't firsts. POV cam was Alfred Hitchcock, the slasher (as a direct slasher movie) was probably Psycho and Peeping Tom in 1960. It could go all the way back to the 1910s.
It didn't influence everything and is only famous because of the mishandling of its release and being around the same time as actual similar murders. Along with the spin machine that was Bob Clark.
I don't enjoy criticising this movie. It is a fun watch up till the end. It didn't make a single piece of sense.
You should watch it because of some of the great kills of famous actresses and the general story. It also has John Saxon. You can't go wrong with this movie to get a good scare. Just forget about the Swiss cheese plot.
Frenzy (2018)
Welcome to plot convenience theatre.
First, what are great whites doing hunting in a pack? They are not known to be pack animals and will cannibalise. Yet three hunt in a pack. Makes no sense and breaks the suspension of disbelief. Yes even these schlock movies have a level of magic to them that draws you in to the visuals.
That's not even the only bit that trashes the entire storytelling process. The jarring flagsbacks, if they are flashbacks, that remove tension from any scene.
My guess is they couldn't afford the cgi and needed to pad the film.
Not much else to this film can redeem it. Some how the plane had a catastrophic failure on a clam late morning with no wind and had cast an impervious charm on the rubber raft. Considering how many times that raft took a swipe from one of the magical great whites several times. They could make space suits out of that material so people can swim on the Sun.
This movie takes cheap shots and fails to develope any sort of sense of dread because every roar from the sharks and banal moment or piece of dialogue detracts from any issue.
It's lazily directed. I could tell some of them could at least act. The director should be ashamed of how they ruined a movie that could have been okay if it wasn't for a couple of stupid decisions and plot conveniences like the two blokes in the bloke that have magic wimp powers of having wobbly wimbly legs.
Just avoid this monstrosity of bad film making. Contains nothing of redemption or quality as many of the Made for See-Fee or Asylum movies do. You feel awkward laughing at the deaths. Or any silly dialogue because the film making and script match the tragic mood of the movie.
Bone Eater (2007)
So bad it's funny.
If you are expecting a big budget creature feature, this isn't for you. The monster is basic late 90s Macromedia CGI. There was better CGI in Babylon 5 (don't get me wrong, Babylon 5 was a great TV show). The monster walks like it's been locked in the berries one too many times. It is laughable and at least it looks better than the Yamagachi from Werewolf.
Speaking of Babylon 5. It stars two of the regulars from the show, Bruce Boxleitner and Walter Koenig. My guess, from the rest of the movie's quality, they spent most of the budget on bringing those two in to give the film some credibility.
The story was not that bad. Especially the scenes with the First Nations people. They were represented well enough and I enjoyed the scenes involving them. The trope of the white man playing a First Nations person grated a bit and made the end feel awkward.
All in all, this is an okay movie to watch just for the laughs at the CGI and the predicable death count.
Bloodmonkey (2006)
Utter rubbish. Only F. Murray Abraham makes it worth watching..
I give every bad movie a chance. I had high hopes with F. Murray Abraham featuring in this film. Turned out he was the only bit in this movie that was watchable.
The rest of the college students 'performances' made me do something entirely rare. I removed every work any of them have done after this movie. Their acting was so difficult to muddle through that my head started hurting
It wasn't even the script or the directing. They were 10000000000% at fault for my suffering. There are some, in these movies, that never act again. For some reason a couple have hidden from their personal and professional shame because their movies were so bad that they didn't keep their day jobs.
The ensemble cast kept dragging us through hell with shameful performances. I had no connection to them at all and wanted them all to die within 5 minutes. Charges should be brought against all of them and brought to justice at The Hague.
The casting director needs to never work again. I'd say they went to a skid row drug rehab centre and under bridges to find these ilk but they didn't. They all had worked before.
The tension was great in this movie. They didn't overuse the creature effects. Gore was okay. And prepare to cheer each of the students death and root for the bad guys because this is that type of movie.
After all is said and done with this movie, did F. Murray Abraham loose a coin toss to be in this movie? Or did he need beer money? Just makes no sense that he would stoop to this level.
Big Ass Spider! (2013)
The crown jewel of made for SyFy B movies.
I was not expecting much with its name. I thought it was going to be similar to the Paul Bunyan slasher or Bigfoot. I was happily disappointed.
It had all the trappings of a classic, B movie. Subtly self aware, ridiculous, and goofy monsters. The acting is hammy on purpose. I was laughing through the entire movie.
The odd bit about this movie is that a sequel has never been made. They ran Sharknado into the ground, why can't Big Ass Spider! Receive the same treatment?
Annihilation Earth (2009)
Not a movie worth watching.
Just don't watch it. The movie isn't even so bad it's good because the ending is finding out that every member of your family has cancer or dies on the same day.
I'm not blowing that over the top. The end is garbage even for a SyFy original
Then you have the anywhere America at any time accent of Marina Sirtis. One second it is somewhere in the south. The next second New England. It is all over the board.
Then there's the stupid ending and the stupid way it gets there that insults every one of your senses. It's not even campy or cheesy which could have saved this because most made for SyFy have a journey that they all go on that redeems them with being ridiculous. This is like going into a dentist to pay a bill but finding out you need a root canal on half your teeth then getting a prostate exam instead with a dental drill.
Seriously avoid this. There are other B movie slop that has entertainment value. This is not one of those gems. If you have an hour and a half to watch a movie, it's worth it more to file your taxes.
Asteroid-a-Geddon (2020)
You have got to be used to The Asylum's low bar by now.
Don't understand why people watch these and then complain. It's a movie by The Asylum. They've been pushing out garbage for 20 years. If you are just know figuring this out then maybe stick with movies that make it to the cinema. Complaining about it after a 20 year track record is like complaining about FEMA not responding to the Great San Francisco Earthquake.
Ok... This movie is the typical fare for The Asylum. It's not the bottom of the barrel that The Asylum has spit out over the last year. It's not one of those gems that they occasionally surprise us with. It's about on par.
You have rediculous plot lines that skip across plot holes like it's jump rope. They reuse CGI from previous movies. They have a fanatical group of weirdos that for some reason cause more damage to humanity while thinking they are saving it for god. Don't forget about pointless drama to meet a run time requirement.
All the usual fare for The Asylum. The part that sets this a bit above the low bar is the acting. The cast of no names manages to at least make a valiant attempt and took their time in the Sun seriously. It wasn't a half hearted attempt like the previous few The Asylum movies (Shark Season was painfully dull).
If you enjoy mocking terrible movies, this will be right up your wheelhouse.
Monster Hunters (2020)
So incredibly goofy with a random Kitteh Cat that wanders into a shot..
So much is wrong about this movie. From recycled cgi from Independents' Day to a kitty cat cameo that decided to say hello in the middle of a dramatic scene. It is just a complete silly mess.
I can't remember the exact time stamp the cat jumps into a scene but it's earlier on when a bloke is laying on the ground pretending to be scared. Cat just jumps up from a creek and walks into the shot like it owns the place and they didn't even edit out or reshoot the scene. I've seen boom mics and production equipment in shots. The cat just was too much.
I kept wondering what happened to the real star of the movie, Scene Thief Kitteh.
They didn't even try to make any new CGI. All recycled from previous movies. Especially the mess that was Independents' Day. Really only worth it if you are trying to watch all the world's worst movies.