Reviews

After a heavy drinking session , a comic strip writer sat down to think about writing a new angle . Should he write about Cowboys and Al Capone ? No .. too far fetched ! Perhaps something about cowboys and the New York Russian mafia ? Nah .. been done before ??

HEY , how about cowboys and aliens ... WOW , original ... get the laptop out !

And so it was , sign up one or two well-worn actors , rent cheap New Mexico desert props and borrow $100+ million ... and presto , we have "Cowboys and Aliens" ! Well, it just about paid it's investors back their money , but what the hell .. wasn't it original ?

The next possible "big" Western film "idea" could be another brainchild's masterpiece to be called "Cowboys and The Vietcong" ... and why not ?? Anything goes in Hollywood these days , and good angles are hard to come by !

I just don't know how the actors and crew kept their faces straight throughout filming this "masterpiece" !!

When H G Wells wrote his book The War of the Worlds , he had no idea that one day Hollywood would invent a version depicting spoiled brats saving the world ... and "world" means LA by way of New York ! And of course aliens always gather there and never in Bangladesh or Namibia !!

And so it goes ... and none of the three characters use the bathroom or eat a meal , but that's par for the course in modern Hollywood. Surprisingly, the lights are on , and trains and ferries are still running ! And somehow , the Alien follows our heroes everywhere around New York , no doubt guided by Dakota's annoying screaming ...

This is not as bad as Asteroids Armageddon , but try to avoid it as well !

It is fortuitous that most Canadians look like Americans , and not like say Mexicans ... and most speak almost the same language ... otherwise it would be very difficult to replicate Vancouver as New York !!

This disaster movie is a disaster in itself , and what still puzzles me is that producers keep providing capital for dumb TV movies like this one ... so there must be money in it otherwise no one would risk their cash on a film with the Statue of Liberty' arm and torch (along with spectators) flying off in a "tornado" and landing in a park !

The "New York" mayor looked concerned at the number of fans used to blow people around ... but all that was surely in the cause of artistic reality ... In the end , 2 or 3 people manage to rescue the "situation" , but no one bothered to inform G W Bush of what was going on !

Please don't watch !

Why do they have to make films like this I have no idea .

You need to rent a cheap package of an old house in Bucharest plus a studio , endless ammunition including RPGs , a few Romanian extras and a shakey hand cam . Then you have to persuade 14 or more producers to part with 6 million bucks ... and you too can have fun making a shoot-em-up based entirely on our Swedish super-hero-secret-agent-turned-director !! All the others , including Springer , are virtually unknown also-rans ...

Of course it could have been worse , the hero could have been Bruce Willis or some other expendable !

As the sound of bullets and explosions died away , I managed to switch off without finding out who the bad guys were or what they looked like ... or even worse .. what was it all about !

If it isn't Romania , it must be Bulgaria ! Obviously cost-saving comes into it , and they do have old buildings , cafés , hotels etc somewhat similar to LA's if you don't look too closely that is ... But why knock it if Hollywood producers are subsidising the economies of a couple of East European countries ? Good luck to their populations .

So , another " revenge " yarn has been saved to film , this time by Yitzhak Florentine no less , to add to the hundreds of similar shallow films . And just like Steven Segal's adventures in Romania , this time it is Banderas who is doing the obligatory kicks and teaching the natives lessons the hard way !

Two things impressed me more though , Bulgarian Alsatians can readily understand commands in English ... and they have lousy sewers and railway yards in Bulgaria !

Please avoid , or at least ask for your money back if it is a rental ... Life is too short !

WHAT is this Hollywood fascination with "Apocalypse" ? On IMDB there are about 22 films with the word Apocalypse in the title alone ! I just cannnot understand why is it such a favourite subject to writers and producers ... along with similar notions like superhumans , predators , flying spiders and zombies , not forgetting the evergreen "mummy" syndrome !! I suppose it is a blank canvass where anything goes without the need for an explanation.

Anyway, this so-called movie , praised highly in other comments , has an IMDB trivia comment that the origin of the apocalypse was never explained , thus it is left to anyone over the age of 10 to speculate !

A bleak film about a childish fantasy ...

I never realised that Concorde was sold to anyone except British Airways and Air France .. and yet here we are in an all-American "executive - equipped" model with a strange emblem on the tail very similar to the old speed bird of BOAC !

Concorde was never allowed to fly supersonic except over oceans , and yet here it is flying over Europe with a nuclear bomb on board , plus director , cameras , mikes , make-up lady , lighting & sound people etc ! The interior looks very similar to that of a B737 , but who cares ? The external scenes were of course edited from publicity material from Airbus ...

The flight scenes are a mish-mash of shakey frames , passengers throwing themselves left and right and flashing lights ! Remarkably , everyone survived an open door in mid-flight , and a floppy disk was somehow important !

In case anyone is interested , the writer of this masterpiece also wrote " Return of the Killer Shrews " and " Megaconda " (honest !) , but these were not filmed in Santa Clarita ...

I have a new idea for a film entitled "Evil Megaconcorde" , where the plane turns into a predator unleashing mega rays at Santa Clarita ! Well , sort of an idea ...

Please avoid at all costs , and ask for a refund !

Hollywood is infatuated with "apocalypses" of all kinds ! I counted no less tha 22 film titles on IMDB where "apocalypse" was part of the title , and I am sure a lot more on the way !!

WOW !

By the way , for some unknown reason apocalypses (?) never occur in Indonesia or Zimbabwe or even nearby Cuba for example ... Most of the time they seem to be partial to California and LA in particular ie if you save the film studio then you also save us mortals !

And so to this sad piece of Hollywood junk ( sorry , artwork ) about a disintegrating meteor showering Californian cities (but NOT it seems the surrounding countryside NOR Washington DC , where they are also busy calmly discussing bad ass diseases threatening America without any interference from Uncle Apocalypse ) !

There are several diversions which the director hoped to break the monotony with like a kiss of life in the middle of nowhere , gunfire and quadbikes , riots and shapely lab assistants . But sadly all these failed !

BTW , I noticed that NO one had a meal nor went to relieve themselves throughout ...

If any award is to be bestowed on this film , it should be given to its "stars & starlets" who managed to keep a straight face right to the end !!

I am amazed at the audacity of the 12 producers (including two John Capillas) who invested their money into this trash !

It is truly awful ... in EVERY department . The Opel cars with Bulgarian registrations , power and internet (not to mention cell phones) working perfectly even during the explosions and eruptions which says a lot about East European system integrity , the empty countryside that looks like a part of Kansas ... the list is endless !

The film lacked one factor, however .. no usual British "bad guy" for a change !!

Please avoid this disaster even on a rainy day ... watch anything - even AEW wrestling - but not this travesty !

Every one knows by now that the Nazis were not Germans .. they came from somewhere in outer space and did their wicked deeds and went back ! That's why you don't find any Nazis on earth anymore .

This excuse of a film , subsidised by no less tha 15 producers , depicts these "aliens" wandering somewhere in Utah (yes !) trying to exterminate American soldiers ... you can guess the end as I did before switching off halfway through !

Why would anyone want to make a film out of this "masterpiece " only the 15 producers know , but it is nowhere near anything called art , even when a few recognisable old actors are in it !

As I mentioned above , please avoid at all costs unless you are strapped down in a hospital bed and you dropped the remote on the floor !

First , there is NO Bermuda Triangle . It was invented by Edward Van Winkle Jones (yes honestly !) in 1950. It was almost called the "Bermuda Square" but Cuba became a bad boy , and the rest is history !

The tragedy is that some people still believe in such a conspiratorial idea , and Hollywood obliges by building it up into a real and natural "phenomenon " , just like the "Loch Ness Monster" ... it can help with the Florida tourist trade .

As to this travesty of a film , it has more holes than Swiss cheese ! Imagine if the crash was on an island ... the Pres would have been pulp after his "escape" craft hit solid ground . And how quickly did the Navy manage to sail to the site , firing pistols at an airborne monster !!

Poor Linda Hamilton , and just like other aging actors (Willes , Segal etc) who have nothing better to do and need the money , she is the admiral in charge of not only saving the Pres but also the whole world from these "undersea" nasties ... and all the while with a straight face !

I hope the 9 producers got back something for their money ! There is actually a "behind the scenes producer" too (whatever that is ) called Cody Peck ... don't ask !

Anything is better to do than wasting your time watching this piece of bull ...

I watched (somehow) about one hour of this boring extravaganza masquerading as art . I just couldn't stick with it to the end !

Believe it or not , this piece of garbage has 51 (yes 51) producers , associate , executive & co-executive producers ! The cast is 57 , not a bad ratio it seems !! I hope this horde of producers got something for their investment ... most of it probably coming from TV networks.

Are the FBI as intelligent as Hollywood makes them appear in films ? This FBI heroine picks up a fight with an obese passenger then she gets "gifted" a First Class seat and unknown to anyone on board stumbles on a hijack plot on board. And while everyone is fast asleep, somehow all manner of killings , fights and guns appear out of nowhere ... airport security not withstanding ! And the pilots are dead .

I apologize for not watching this travesty of art to the end ...

Hollywood is obsessed with wars and veterans of war ! They started with pre-indepence wars , then the civil war , later on World War I proved a good source of mayhem , followed of course by WW II and Korea which were (and still are) gold mines of cellulose.

Much later yet more war films of Vietnam, Afghanistan, Somalia etc came along with more realistic blood and bullet holes ... Now , we have to watch more anguish of veterans and of course the obligatory nightmare flashbacks !

This piece of sub-standard production (with no less than 17 producers executive producers, line producers etc.) ... survives only because of Mr Van Damme's name and for no other reason ! For the serious enthusiast , there is enough camera shake to make a quake movie on the side ... Somehow, I don't think the 17 producers got a return for their money !

Avoid ..

So .. the American military (ie Billy Zane) entrust the rescue of a US ambassador somewhere in Serbia (where else !) to a rag bag of British mercenaries (we mustn't forget the word "elite" here !) led by an investment manager from Brixton , London !

They walk around somewhere in a wooded area at night talking loudly ... knowing that only the cameraman and soundman are listening .

We know who the top bad guy is because he wears an eye patch , of course ! More walking in illuminated woods at night follows , while the bad guys are torturing everyone they can find !!

Now this is where it gets exciting ... the investment manager (turned actor / cameraman & producer) from Brixton , decides to attack the bad guys , based in a shabby building ... not to be confused with the American Embassy say , and liberate the hostages . Armed only with Kalashnikovs (don't ask !) the good guys liberate the American hostages including the one-eyed bandit.

Here , excitement reaches a zenith ! After firing many blank bullets and more flashing lights , the liberators go back to the woods with the Americans and a captured bad guy ! Surprisingly, the woods are very well lit .

Anyway , the producer / actor investment manager tries to hit on the only female with them . But eventually Billy Zane is there with the obligatory coffee to welcome what is left of the rescuers !

There is a lot of trees in this film , but little daylight.

Breathtaking , don't yo think ??

This film is one of the few films where the Producers (31) are more than double the actors (15) ! Should deserve a mention at least ..

Somehow, this catastrophe of a film cost $5 million , but I doubt if the 31 producers saw a fraction of their money back in profit !!

I found the scenes in the palm plantation quite hilarious. Why do they have to crouch-walk with machine guns, sunglasses and face cover in the middle of a desert ? They must have been watching Segal films before shooting ...

If you want to have a good laugh , watch our hero never going to the toilet , or have a shower or eat / drink anything throughout this flick except for a bottle of beer two minutes into the film , then I would recommend this shambles for you ... otherwise don't waste your time !!

To paraphrase the late great George Carlin : He hasn't seen his "private parts" since the Obama administration ! It is official , Segal is OBESE not just fat . Hence, he prefers to sit around while filming these days . This also means no more filming trips to his second home Romania, hence the weird locations for this effort.

I doubt very much if the 14 co- , executive , associate , and producers who paid 2.5 million for this mess got something back for their investment !

Please Mr Segal, stop making any more garbage like this ! Take up fishing instead , that can also be done sitting down ... and STOP eating junk food !

With 14 producers (sorry , producers , line-producers , executive producers etc) who make up two thirds of the cast , this must be some sort of a record for a modern film ! I guess they all must have lost their investment in this mistake of a film ...

The American - Canadian border is substituted with a forest in Bulgaria , and the forest has just enough ingenious lighting from somewhere for the cameraman to shoot ! Luckily they start a blazing fire which seems to go on for quite some time in order to help with the fight scenes.

Van Damme looks haggered , with peculiar dyed hair and certainly is labouring in his 50's plus years , shades of Steven Segal and Bruce Willis ... Are these semi-retired actors so hard up that they need to make this sort of sorry film ?

Please don't waste your time watching this garbage !

Bruce Willis is a small-size version of Steven Segal , and both are still clinging on despite old age , pretending to be "stars" and carrying all that excess protoplasm and oversized girths ...

Perhaps they need the money , who knows ? But both should consider retiring once and for all.

I never liked either of them , and this film vindicates my opinion in Willis at least ! The story is insipid, the action has been re-hashed so many times that it is now just a cliche . I was amazed that during the bank shoot out none of the bad guys was shot despite the dozen or so police in attendance ... They couldn't even shoot the thieves' getaway car tyres !

Who decides to make a film with such a banal title like Asteroid-A-Gedon ? It reminds me of other silly titles like Shark-nados etc .. Are producers so desperate for investing in anything these days with shaky camera action regardless of quality ?

There is a hilarious scene at some convention where Roberts is disguised as some military general and all other serious-looking delegates , which ends just as it starts ... with nothing !

Why do this and other calamitous films (I refuse to label them genres) never take place in Cambodia or Sierra Leone .. but always in California , and preferably Los Angeles ?

If you like watching computer screens full of strange shapes and colours , by all means watch this disastrous film , otherwise ... stick to computer games, they are more challenging with much more exciting action and probably closer to reality than this garbage !

This film would have been more believable had it been set in Arizona or a similar location, where the "Foreign Leigion" is the US Cavalry, with Anthony Quinn the sergeant , the naughty natives were the Apaches ... and somehow a contrived "Lost City" was stumbled upon somewhere west of Tuscon !!

But "clean" , dry-skinned French cavalry stumbling over a "lost" city in Algeria (with Indian dances and a Maharaja !) and scantily-clad , beautifully-groomed liberal ladies must have raised a few eyebrows even in 1953 !

Still , I hope someone (s) made a small living out of this wasted effort in time and money.

I don't appreciate exactly what the attraction of the whole Titanic yarn is all about ? A ship hits an iceberg and sinks ... like many other ships and naval vessels did before and after it ! I am waiting for a Hollywood producer to launch a "Titanic 3.5" blockbuster soon , using a giant squid instead , for which I am willing to write the script free of charge !!

Australia, USA, China & Hong Kong eh ! Those were the days !! I can't imagine how this film cost $140 million, considering it was mostly a CGI production ... and as always , the evil / bad guy is British ! It gets even more childish when the combatants start flying around (sic) destroying the virtual studio ...

Despite all his movements and locations , we still don't know how Wick travelled to Morocco ! We never see him sleep , eat or even have a bath or toilet !! This super human character seems to survive on being shot , stabbed all over in Africa and Brooklyn (no LA here !) preferably in dark areas and stables ! I think I enjoyed most the scene where Wick is riding a horse ( no French Connection chase here ! ) chased by two motorcyclists who could barely catch up with him ! Hmm ...

Korea .. by way of Crystal Drive, Los Angeles, CA. ! The Jeeps are sparkling , the uniforms look like they have just been delivered from the laundry , the squad moves into a wood without seeking cover to be picked off easily by the dastardly commies ... And the end of this film is the beginning of another disastrous epic about how victory was achieved in Korea ! Dreadful, from start to finish !!

As usual in many Hollywood films , the "bad" guy is British ... even in recent films like the Bourne trilogy ! Why ? I have no idea, and this effort is no exception !! Whether British actors are better at it being spies, criminals, or killers only producers and directors would know for sure ... 2 stars is one too many ! I enjoyed the soundtrack though .. and that is something !!