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Reviews
Mr. Malcolm's List (2022)
Unmitigated failure
This convoluted, lifeless, wish.com version of Pride and Prejudice offers NOTHING to viewers. It is the worst movie I can think of. Characters are explained rather than exposed, relationships change capriciously, and dialogue is stale, cringy, and poorly delivered. I won't describe the historicity of the film, because for many viewers that isn't a major concern--suffice to say none of the costumes, customs, or characters are accurate depictions of the 19th century setting. Every character is a limp, wet noodle. On your deathbed as you tabulate the regrets accrued throughout your life, you will think of this movie and weep bitterly at the memory of two hours wasted watching this in your prime.
Blonde (2022)
Bizarrely constructed snooze-fest
From a "joe public" perspective, any profundity that may exist in this movie is obscured by the sheer boredom of ENDLESS, static scenes purporting to evoke emotion through simple visuals. Scenes that could have been cut or lasted five seconds stretch minutes at a time. The lead carries a slight but noticeable accent into this film, which forced her to vocalize Marilyn in a hushed, cloying monotone that doesn't reflect the spirit of the historical woman. The structure is bizzare, the character development is scrambled and uneven throughout, and Marilyn isn't likeable because she is depicted as having lost her agency at some undefined point in her young career and become an object to be used by every man in her life. While this partly reflects the truth, the movie focuses on event-driven trauma rather than the mundane daily depression of Marilyn Monroe's later years. Despite focusing on highlights, the movie never leaves you feeling like you've seen Marilyn's life or true self, just a jumble of isolated incidents that happened to her. In all, Blonde is boring, unrelatable, unrealistic, unstructured, and a huge letdown.