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Mr_Jackhammer
Reviews
Temple (2017)
Well made, badly written movie.
This movie had so much going for it. Good acting, beautiful location, a creepy atmosphere, a good beginning... And then it dropped the ball. Things were building well. Suspense was high. And then, they decided to go for a nonsensical "twist" that just took a giant dump on the rest of the story for no good reason. They should have pursued the original portrayal to an end. The pathetic attempt at a twist just killed the movie and left it pointless and confused for no reason. Big mistake, and it had so much going well too. The setting was creepy, the Kitsune was a terrifying monster, things were going crazy, and then it was just like alright we done here let's wrap it up done.
What a total waste and disappointment.
Lockwood & Co. (2023)
Love it!
Went into this pretty blind not knowing what to expect at all. Was instantly captivated by the intensity of the show, a fast-moving thriller that somehow manages to keep the creepy and sometimes terrifying quality of a good supernatural horror. If you actually pay attention to what's going on, the story and concepts are quite thought-provoking and well written, with lots of things to wonder about and mysteries that leave you curious in a good way. The pacing is fast, at no point did I feel bored or want to go do something else. This held all the way through the entirety of season one. I binge-watched, captivated by the excellent acting and visuals. Even with all the crazy action going on, somehow it manages to keep some moments of real dread. Some of the things in it, if you think about them, have truly terrifying implications. This is without a doubt one of the best shows I have ever seen on Netflix, which means it's in huge danger of being cancelled because for some reason Netflix ignores what the audience wants and pipelines total crap while chopping first-rate shows like this.
So watch it multiple times and demand more! Don't miss this!
The Block Island Sound (2020)
Slowe burner but ultimately thought-provoking.
When I watched this I wasn't sure what to expect. Even after watching most of it I still didn't know what to expect. The acting was OK, at time cheesy, and at least once I broke out laughing because it was so badly done. The pace often plods, even though the mystery leaves you guessing yet somehow still disappointed throughout most of the film.
Why then do I still consider this a good movie?
Because, despite all the flaws in telling the story, the story itself, in my opinion, somehow manages to reach a conclusion that is unexpected and, for me at least, had a big impact. This is is a rare thing and it made the entire movie worth it. If you are the kind of person who has to see explosions and stuff to enjoy a movie you will not like this (this is part of the reason i said it often leaves you disappointed) but if you temper that with curiosity and a fascination with things unknown, you may just find the ending hits you as hard as it did me.
The crafting of this movie is not masterful. But I believe the story it tells is genuinely worth thinking about.
Deep (2021)
The more you watch the dumber it gets!
Starts out looking pretty interesting. But don't worry! That won't last! The longer it goes on, the worse the acting gets, and the more absurd and nonsensical the story becomes! It seems like there are so many different things they could have done here. I almost completely lost interest when for she finds the computer monitoring equipment in the school teacher's office, which just made no sense at all. Unless it was going to be a twist that she was delirious the whole time? I didn't know, and realized I didn't care because none of it was believable and none of it made any sense. Plot holes abounded. Common sense went out the window! And eventually I decided to cut my losses and just turn it off because I realized that I was the one really falling asleep!
Katla (2021)
Deceptively mysterious but ultimately tedious and unfulfilling.
To begin with, this is well acted, well filmed, but suffers from a lot of writing that makes little sense.
Why were they not comparing DNA between duplicates?
Why was nobody calling in biologists to figure out what was going on? Proof of actual living duplicates beings and nobody thought to bring real science to bear?
The show does keep you guessing, then it basically commits suicide both metaphorically and literally as the duplicate characters cheerfully off themselves for no particular reason. Felt like a total cop-out for actually having to find decent solutions to their existence. Everyone in this show is so depressive and wrapped up in themselves. Even the end where everyone is supposedly "happy" or resolved or something feels like an episode of Black Mirror.
It's established these things are basically the same as the people they replace. They show emotion and instinct for self-preservation, but then abruptly at the end they suddenly start acting like zombie aliens and lose all motivation in their lemming rush to murder themselves because it's time for the show to end and nobody wants to deal with loose ends. The ending game of Russian roulette between the two girls just perfectly showcases this. Nobody seems able to talk anything out in this show. It's all heavy sighs, secrets, and idiocy. She's got a perfect body duplicate of herself, a seemingly kind person. Yet she immediately resorts to what is essentially a game of murder or suicide to decide who stays. This does not feel like the basis for a "good" future. Someone willing to do something like that is not what I would call a stable person, and not someone who is going to have a good future regardless. Never occurred to her to actually just have a real sit-down talk between all three of them and figure something out. No, because nobody in this show communicates. They all just run around acting like lunatics and killing themselves.
The show tries to wrap things up with a "it was all for your emotional support" nonsense. Sorry, not buying it. Seems more like what happened was the writing collapsed and nobody knew where to take it, and ultimately the writer just decided hey I'll drag everyone into my self-harm fantasy.
So, good acting, great cinematography, and writing that strings you along expecting something really big and intelligent only to disappoint you and basically kill off everyone who was actually interesting. Just a huge opportunity to really make a payoff that would satisfy the viewer that instead chooses to walk out to sea several times and put a gun to its chin for the grand finale. What a waste of time.
Ghost in the Shell SAC_2045: DOUBLE THINK/Event Boundary (2022)
What the...
Hopefully there's another season to fix this because what the actual hell is going on here? Everything was great until we got to the weird, fever dream, dystopian "ending" that left me unsatisfied and confused. It feels more like a cliffhanger than an ending. It feels very much like descending into Hell, an unsettling, disturbing place where nothing has any meaning and logic and reason have fled. I'm not sure what the intention was here, but if it was to leave the viewer feeling tainted and uncomfortable, they definitely achieved it, and not in a good way. It's like if Neo took the blue pill and then boom roll the credits show's over!
Ugh.
Sum1 (2017)
Surprisingly good low-budget film!
Initially I was almost turned off by the low ratings, but I gave this a shot anyway, and I was very surprised by how good it was. Be warned: this is not an action-and-explosion flick. It is actually very much a psychological drama, and a good one at that. The acting is convincing. The cinematography, sets, and effects also suit the concept. The story, if it leaves a few questions, is thought-provoking and eerie. If you want to throw something on and then ignore it and go make dinner or something, this is not the show for you, you will have no idea what is going on and likely hate it and give it a low rating. But if you are willing to watch a slow-moving, disturbing tale of claustrophobic fear unfold, this is a good choice. It's the kind of movie that leaves you thinking about it for some time after it finishes. Recommended for someone willing to pay attention.
Monster Trucks (2016)
Fun and cute.
I expected this movie to be crappy when I started it, but I was very surprised. It's a light, fun movie with surprisingly well-thought-out concepts and writing. Sure, it's crazy and absurd, but someone took the time to actually think how each thing made sense and worked together, a thing which I frankly admire. Nothing "just happened" for no reason. This movie is good, heartwarming entertainment with plenty of action and excitement. Keep an open mind and smile, it is well worth the time.
Asylum of Fear (2018)
Horrific
Ally bad! The acting is so awful it feels like a mockery. The story seemed interesting at first, but was bogged down by the abysmal acting. Characters make stupider and stupider decisions as time goes on. Moves at a snail's pace. Couldn't even finish.
Dark Light (2019)
Meh
The good: there's a girl with a shotgun!
The bad: everything else.
Watched it because a girl shot some stuff in the beginning including for some unexplained reason her ex husband who somehow was miraculously fine shortly thereafter, which appropriately sets the scene for a disjointed snoozefest of epic proportions. This movie is a regrettably stupid experience full of cardboard characters who make nonsensical choices to further the nonsensical plot. None of what happens makes any real sense at all. The writer apparently just kind of put stuff in there, like they wanted to do a haunted house movie but ended up making it a crappy creature-feature at the same time and succeeded at neither. If you want to see random stuff happening that makes no sense, this is your oyster.
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)
Reimagining that feels the spirit of the game.
While this does not follow the exact plot of the games, this does indeed feel right, unlike the earlier travesty of senselessly over the top films most people are familiar with. This is more than just a spectacle, it has an actual horror vibe to it and portrays the characters in ways that are much more suited to their personalities. It's the movie they should have made to begin with.
The Beyond (2017)
The entire movie feels like an intro...
And then it ends. But wait! After it ends, there's more boring talking!
Seriously the only good thing about this movie are the special effects. The rest of it is a true horror, as in it's horrible to realize you wasted time out of your life watching it that is now gone forever with nothing to show for it.
Bad, bad, bad bad bad bad bad.
Singularity (2017)
Awful
The special effects actually didn't seem so bad to me...
But everything else was absolutely horrible. I couldn't even make it through the first half hour it was so bad, and none of it made any sense whatsoever. I don't understand why this movie even exists.
My Little Pony: The Movie (2017)
A New Era of Pony
Simply the best movie of the year. The animation was gorgeous, the characters vibrant and charismatic, and the music was outstanding. Seriously though, the art style has a strange depth and wonderful quality for a supposed "2D animation." It felt more alive than many of the new 3d animations I've seen.
Oh, I've seen the negative reviews. I'm more than a little convinced these haters were angered by the fact that cute ponies made their eyes tear up, and desperately tried to find something to dislike about this fantastic movie.
Watch it, love it. It's so good.
Please make more!
Bridge to Terabithia (2007)
Bridge to Madness
This movie is a frightening glimpse into the horrors of losing touch with reality. A disturbed, partially insane boy and girl create a dangerous fantasy world. As their bizarre fantasy continues to grow in their diseased minds and destroy their grip on the real world, they begin spending more of their time in Terabithia to escape from the devouring misery of their lives. The creeping insanity ultimately claims the girl's life as she takes unprecedented risks in her pursuit of empty fantasy and dies choking on muddy flood water. Her death causes the boy's mind to snap. Discovering he has developed a strange taste for watching the women in his life die, the psychotic boy immediately begins the process of luring his impressionable younger sister towards the Bridge to Terabithia, presumably in the hopes that she will drink deeply of the fast-flowing muddy water beneath.
As a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't keep an eye on your children, this movie stands out.
D.E.B.S. (2004)
Did someone forget to take the garbage out?
It seems like it, because this movie is still lying around! I'm sorry, but even the massive erec... er, respect I have for Devon Aoki couldn't get me through this movie. Atrocious acting, worse script, and whoever dreamed up Devon Aoki's character deserves a massive kick in the groin from a mule. A strong, well fed, well rested mule. I struggled valiantly to enjoy this movie, and after enjoyment was out of the question, i strove yet again to watch it simply because Devon Aoki is in it. Alas, there was no respite from the barrage of witless dialog and horrendously bad acting. I do not blame the actors, this movie was an affront to all human dignity. Rarely does one see a spectacle so intensely humiliating to those involved that even the viewer feels embarrassed for them just by watching. Shame on you, Angela Robinson. You may now exit the film business. No one will miss you. Ever.
A.I. Assault (2006)
Incredibly pathetic.
I've never reviewed a movie before without watching the whole thing. This is a special case. I began watching the movie. 3 minute later, crappiness reached critical mass. People screaming at badly animated CGI robots. Pistols with endless clips that magically fire without recoil (In fact, upon looking closer, I realized that the pistols are more magical than I realized at first. They somehow fire without the hammer even moving!) Right about the time the guy in camouflage parked his truck underneath the robot and waited for it to laser him is where I quit watching and started doing my math homework. Did they even try with this movie? Jeez. I feel insulted. Thank God I only wasted $2 renting it. Easiest review I've ever made.
CCCCCCRRRRAAAAAPPPPP! I've seen better homemade movies on YouTube.
Hostel (2005)
Shocking, terrifying, and deeply disturbing.
I am not a fan of gore movies and usually they are simply a dumb excuse to use gore instead of plot to shock people. While the plot of this movie is not extremely intricate, the realization pushed by the movie is something I haven't considered very thoroughly before. The terrifying thing about the movie isn't the torture itself, but the people inflicting it. The torture sequences are appalling enough, but the true horror comes when you discover that the people performing the horribly savage acts aren't insane psychopaths, but those who are rich and obviously of highly esteemed positions in society. That is the true horror of this movie, it makes you realize something that isn't thought about much. Every day the filthy rich satisfy their every whim and fleshly desire... New cars, drugs, sex, wasteful frivolity... but what about those people who have hidden desires for power, control, blood, the evil delight of inflicting hideous suffering on others? What do they do to get their foul needs satisfied? I believe that this is the true horror of this film... and what really disturbs me the most about it is that I am more than ready to believe such things happen regularly. There are a LOT of missing persons cases around the world every year, in America alone, approximately 2,300 new missing persons are reported EVERY DAY. That doesn't even include the ones that are not reported. Children and adults disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. Does anyone really stop to think of the things that are more than likely happening??? I know this movie has messed me up for a long time to come. I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the ideas... and I don't know if they should be shaken, because I strongly feel that this may be more reality than fiction, and I think people would be wise to keep things like this in mind during day to day life.
A Sound of Thunder (2005)
A Sound of Yawning
*MINOR SPOILERS* QUICK PLOT OVERVIEW! Rich idiot owns time machine. Takes other rich idiots out to shoot dinosaurs in the distant past for exorbitant prices. Nothing could possibly go wrong here, right? WRONG! Someone changed something! How is that possible? I mean we've only got like five or six idiots with cool guns that they have no idea how to use blazing away in the middle of the Cretacious period, shouldn't be any problems at all. As a result of this, the poorly animated CGI city of the future is now infested with equally poorly animated CGI monsters who all look the same and share the same hunger for heroic dying black people. Time to run around screaming for a bit! Eeeyaugh! As we reach a deeply moving conclusion in which the life of an innocent butterfly is saved, we come to the shocking realization that maybe stupid idiots sending even stupider idiots with cool guns back in time to lay waste to history isn't such a good idea as it originally seemed.
Well a few good life lessons can be learned from this movie: 1. Don't use a time machine as a thrill ride.
2. Don't be black. If you are black, you will find a way to die heroically and horribly, and usually very expediently as well. This holds true for almost all major motion pictures.
3. Don't change the timeline. If you do, the future you return from will be infested with poorly animated CGI monsters and bad actors reciting cliché scripts! 4. Don't buy this movie. Renting it will suffice since you will never watch it again anyway.
Not a horrible movie, but definitely not the brightest I've ever seen.
Dog Soldiers (2002)
Not too bad for a B movie.
I have to say, this movie was not nearly as bad as it COULD have been. The acting was actually surprisingly good, and although much of the dialogue was cheesy the actors did much to salvage the hopeless script. The overall atmosphere was actually quite well done, with the creepy effects not overdone like is common in many such films. The movie didn't degenerate into the usual sex, screaming, monsters and morons routine either. Although the movie did get quite slow and boring at times, it at least made a good stab at being different, and I applaud it for that. I've had enough of the "teens in scary place being eaten alive" movies, and the military characters are a welcome change. The weapons effects are very effective for some reason, they just sounded and looked badass, I don't really know why but the weapon sound effects are singularly convincing. There are some moments of gore, and personally I don't think it fit particularly well in the storyline, but it didn't last for more than a few seconds at a time and although it will doubtless turn a few stomachs I think it was actually toned down compared to some B movies I've seen (Carnasaur for instance, one of the worst films ever. Roger Corman is one of the kings of bad cinema). Overall, this movie is far from excellent but it was not a total waste either. It has a tendency to get tedious at spots but I managed to watch it through without falling asleep and I think others will too. The plot has some severe holes (for instance, monsters that one minute rip a man in half with a sneeze are getting beat down in a boxing match the next) but don't take the movie too seriously or pick it apart too far and you might have some fun watching it, even just for some good ammo wasting scenes. I rate this movie a 7, because it's good for it's B movie genre.
Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
100% pure fun! Yeah baby!!!
This movie is definitely one of the best monster shows ever. It has everything. Excitement, suspense, humor, shoot 'em up action and even good ol' fashioned swatting on a large scale. The movie may not be the most scientifically accurate film in the world, but it doesn't try to be, and that's not the point of the show. Personally I haven't seen too many mutated giant spiders listed in the encyclopedias, so there really isn't any real world example to compare them to as far as behavior patterns or markings etc. etc... Taking this movie at face value, I paid my money, went into a theater expecting a lousy piece of excrement like "Rats" and I was completely taken aback. I went in prepared to give ELF a bad rap, and I was so impressed that I now own it on DVD. The acting is actually GOOD, something that is very rare in this genre. The movie has lots of action, but it never degenerates into the typical "run run scream scream" flick. It always remains a give-and-take free for all, which is quite refreshing. I can't recommend this movie enough. It may not be the greatest movie of all time. It's definitely not the most deeply plotted movie of all time (ELF should be easily understood by all but the most hopeless of brain damage victims) but it IS the most fun and memorable movie I've seen in a long time. Also, IT IS NOT A RIPOFF OF TREMORS!!! I have seen all three Tremors many times, and ELF is nothing like them. Just because the tongue-in-cheek attitude is similar, that doesn't make it a ripoff. Watch this movie expecting to have a good time. But mostly, just watch this movie! If you haven't seen it, do so now! In conclusion, I have to say, this movie is pretty well summed up by it's own slogan...
Let the SQUASHING begin!
The Master of Disguise (2002)
The Master of Suck
After I saw Scooby Doo at the theater, I never thought I would again witness a movie that topped it for sheer idiocy, lousy acting, and utter lack of inspiration. Then I saw Master of Disguise. The only way I can properly describe the effect it had, is to say it was a Freddy Got Fingered-ish string of retarded skits. It was like an overly long home video. I can't dump on this movie enough. I don't need to, where my dumping leaves off, the movie dumps on itself like a baby ruins diapers. The script was idiotic. The character Pistachio is an annoying #$%# that Jar Jar Binks would be jealous of. This is one of the absolute worst movies of all time. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. DO NOT LET YOUR PET DOG WATCH THIS MOVIE. This review already is more in-depth than the movie's plot. Don't waste your time or money with this crud.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
Adventures of Pluto Nash, not Humor of Pluto Nash!
It seems that a lot of people went into this movie expecting a sidesplitting comedy. That was not the point of the movie. This movie was rocking good sci-fi action, with just enough humor to keep it fun without degenerating into the usual slapstick retardation. The plot was fun and interesting, and I really liked the way the movie had an atmosphere that melded the future with the past. Notice in particular the cool looking vehicles. It was a little like Total Recall, and also like The Fifth Element, but this doesn't mean it stole from either. It was quite original I think. I recommend this movie, it is fun and exciting. Just don't expect a total comedy and lots of dirty jokes or you will be disappointed. Expect some good science fiction, with some genuinely funny moments. I enjoyed this movie a lot. Give it a chance, don't decide what it is and then think it sucks because it's not what you expected.
The One (2001)
The Suck
This movie is a landmark in the art of disappointment. It features slightly less character development than your average Beavis and Butthead cartoon, and the weak storysquiggle (it doesn't deserve to be called a storyline) is almost as intelligent. The script alone is an atrocity, possibly the actors can't find anything of depth to say because they are dumbfounded by the obscenely cheesy plot development. Although the movie makes a feeble attempt at copying The Matrix's groundbreaking "Bullet Time" photography techniques, that is not enough to excite the annoyed audience, unless they happen to be either prepubescent children or a high school football team, with cheerleaders. That not being enough, the movie further disgraces itself by being titled "The One", whoever thought up this pile of reeking fewmets is suffering from severe Matrix envy. You hope that the special effects will in some way redeem the disaster, but soon you realize that the highlight of the movie is the wormhole travel sequences. Unfortunately these are few and far between. Sadly, in the few alternate universes you are privileged to see, the only memorable difference seems to be that Gore is president in one. Honestly, the movie might have been improved with some slightly more interesting weapons, but apparently the highly advanced multiverse agent's weapons are just the same old boring bullet firing guns. The main focus of this film seems to be to achieve mediocrity, which it does with an ease and grace wonderful to behold. James Wong (director) has efficiently succeeded in thoroughly shaming himself and everyone else involved in this magnificent journey into obscurity. I must congratulate him, I haven't seen a movie that is so easy to ridicule since the release of the unmemorable and odious "Battlefield Earth". This is one of those extraordinary movies where the trailer is actually far superior to the actual film! In conclusion, I think I'll rate this movie. Rated on a scale of 1 to 10, I think this movie deserves a nice, round number. Like 0. 0 is nice and round, a perfect circle in fact!