Change Your Image
rldnlvalentine
Reviews
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)
TVBRobotnik at the Movies: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Silent night... HOLY HELL! I'm saying this, because I'm seeing the worst Christmas movie ever made! Literally, if you're looking for a good Christmas movie such as National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, or The Santa Clause, this is not the one. For this film, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, is a massacre to the family matinée of the early 1970s. In fact, this is the Citizen Kane of awful family matinees.
If you don't know about this film, then just don't. Basically, the plot is about Santa and his sleigh going to get presents, unfortunately, the sleigh has run out of gas, Santa is stuck in the beach, and the reindeer runs away, all of it.
Because of that, he sings a HELLISH song, which is painful to listen, but better than the songs from the Jonas Brothers. It's called, "Woe Is Me." More like, woe is this movie.
The kids come and help, and yes, there's actually a footage of both the unfinished work of Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn and the unfinished work of Thumbelina. Apparently, they're made by the same guy that did this crap.
This footage shows Tom Sawyer holding the raccoon, and I can just imagine that the raccoon was actually saying, "Please, kill me now!" The kids try to help by getting the animals. Wow, a basic Noah's Ark, huh? After that, Thumbelina, which I told you.
Then, there comes a siren. This siren is actually an antique firetruck driven by the Ice Cream bunny. And look, there are the kids. And yes, it goes on and on and on and on and ON! So, the Ice Cream Bunny gets Santa in his firetruck and is saved. But, what about the kids? Well, they're looking at the sleigh, but it disappears. So is there gonna be a sequel? Hell no! It was awful! AWFUL BIG TIME! This movie was made by World War II veterinarian and a flying ace, Barry Mahon, who is also a professional pilot. How professional? Well, he was taught in college and high school. He is also an escapist of this prisoner of war camp, which was legendary. So legendary, that there was a movie of it, The Great Escape, with Steve McQueen as Barry Mahon. He also created bad kiddie matinees.
Anyway, this movie S-U-C-K-S, Sucks! It's confusing too. Why? Because it made us torture good Christmas spirits.
FINAL VERDICT: 0/10!!!
Disaster Movie (2008)
TVBRobotnik at the Movies: Disaster Movie
Parody movies. Ah, yes. They were an opus for National Lampoon, Monty Python, Mel Brooks, the Wayans brothers, and Zucker, Abrahams, & Zucker.
But, what happened? What happened is Friedberg and Seltzer. When they wrote Spy Hard and Scary Movie, they were great. Nothing idiotic, or pop-culture referenced.
However, there is a major problem. They make parody films as spinoffs of Scary Movie. The first three were Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans, and they were only cash cows to fit the benefit of parody films. Unfortunately, they suck! This is when Julia Jones got in rehab, Lucy, Edward, Susan, and Peter get their part-time job at McDonald's, and the homosexual Spartans were selling cocaine for the price of one.
But, I digress. They were terrible, but their next project... was MUCH, MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse! Hence is the name, Disaster Movie was born. Born to kill comedies.
Seriously, why would it be successful? At least the name is correct. I mean, these films were critically panned, so why make this movie? Basically, it makes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen look like Gone with the Wind, Epic Movie look like 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the ever-so-decent Space Chimps look like Star Wars.
Well, this movie barely parodies Disaster movies, it parodies pop-culture references, pre-tween Family Guy-like jokes, and movies in other genres that don't have to do with Disaster-related films. I mean, in my school, the classmates are entertained on this film. Not me! The movie opens with a shot spoofing the one in Armageddon. In the year 10,001 B.C., a caveman runs away from a mammoth before getting in a fight with Wolf. He then encounters a saber-toothed, gasoline-drinking Amy Winehouse, who informs him that the world will end on August 29, 2008, revealing their fate laying in a crystal skull. The film flash-forwards to the present, where Will has a "Sweet Sixteen" party at his house, despite the fact that he's 25. Will has a dream where he is a Jumper and accidentally impales.
On their way to the museum to save Amy, who called to tell Will she's trapped under a statue, they run into Batman, who informs them that they must go to the evacuation buses by 9 p.m., and also mentions that there will be no chance of survival if they go to save Amy. Learning that it's closer to nine than he thought, Batman throws a rope, which accidentally lands on a car that drags him away. With time against them, the Princess kills Speed Racer so they can hijack his car in the trunk and drive to the museum. When they get there, they save Amy who reveals the Crystal Skull from Will's dream to be the only thing that can stop the end of the world. As Will and Amy make their way to the altar, Calvin and the Princess find that the museum doors are closed and all the artifacts have come alive, including Kung Fu Panda, who fights Calvin. When Calvin makes out with the Princess after beating him, he sees that she is actually a transvestite by removing "his" wig while the Panda takes out a katana and kills them.
Meanwhile, Will and Amy run into Beowulf, who fights Will in the nude. After Beowulf is defeated, Will and Amy meet Will's father (Tony Cox) and Will returns the Crystal Skull to its altar, averting further destruction. The film ends with a wedding ceremony for Will and Amy being performed by The Guru Shitka, who tries to get Amy to "tickle his pickle". Then all the characters come sing a song about "dating" each other which sets of a chain ("Disaster Movie Sex Song"), ending with the chipmunks being crushed by yet another cow.
Generic plot-line for a parody film, hell, the jokes aren't even funny! I can't believe they would make this! Good news is, on Labor Day weekend, it bombed, making it 8th place at the box-office. Thank you, Tropic Thunder! You saved the day.
I don't wanna know of what they're making next. Wait, Queen Kong??? Nooooooooooo! I don't wanna watch Disaster Movie again. I wanna watch WALL-E again. But, it may not be as bad as... *shudder* Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or *EVEN MORE SHUDDER (with a facepalm)* Air Buddies franchise.
FINAL VERDICT: 0/10!!!!!!!!
The Thief and the Cobbler (1993)
TVBRobotnik at the Movies: The Thief & The Cobbler
It was just amazing. Why? Well, this Richard Williams work is so awesome that Disney, Richard Rich, Don Bluth, nor even Chuck Jones couldn't do it better than Richard Williams.
The characters are the sneaky, greedy Thief. He doesn't hate himself. He just likes his job. He can steal anything, including the three golden balls. He reminds me of Jason from the Friday the 13th film series, except he doesn't kill anybody. You know what, fine, he reminds me of Scrat from the Ice Age film series.
Then, there's the hero, Tack the cobbler, whose also a lonely, silent shoemaker. When I look at him, he reminds me of Jojo from Horton Hears a Who. The Blue Sky Studios version. Anyway, Tack finds his true love, Princess YumYum, who reminds me of Megara from Disney's Hercules, except not a Daria-like princess, nor a manly woman princess. Just a kind, innocent, sensitive princess.
There's the villain, ZigZag, which is voiced by none other than the great Vincent Price. He says his sentences in rhymes, which is a cool concept for a villain. Along with him is his bird, Phido.
There's a plot where the cobbler, Tack is getting arrested by ZigZag, however, King Nod, the Nanny, and Princess YumYum allowed Tack to be hired as a shoemaker. The thief tries to steal the shoe, and then, Tack chases the thief.
But, the thief is willing to get the three golden balls. Meanwhile, King Nod had a vision that the One-Eyes are going to take over Baghdad. But, it was not a dream.
ZigZag, however, was about to do his evil stuff... because he's a villain. Yes, don't ask. Anyway, the thief gets the balls, and then, the balls were dropped, as ZigZag gets the balls so he can give them to the one eye.
Tack, the Nanny, and YumYum travel to fight the One-Eyes. This results with the band of Brigand and the old hag witch.
Then, they battle, with the Thief getting the balls back, and trapped in the fire and in the battle for his wild ride.
Tack, the nanny, and YumYum defeated ZigZag and the one-eyes, as they get the balls back to King Nod.
This has got to be the greatest animated classic ever! Really! In fact, there's a bootlegged fan DVD of it restored with classical music playing. This could be the best bootlegged fan DVD ever.
FINAL VERDICT (for the original, adult-oriented, uncut, better-than-sex version): 10/10!
Now, it's been 3 decades in the production, and of course, it was about to be released in 1992 for Warner Bros., but ended up unreleased due to Disney's release of Aladdin.
So, Fred Calvert completed The Thief and the Cobbler as fast as he can, and of course, he alienated the lost, unfinished, animated masterpieces of all time.
This results in The Princess and the Cobbler, released in the UK, Australia, and South Africa in 1994 by Allied Filmmakers (those that are responsible for the awful 1993 movie, Super Mario Bros. (based on the popular NES/SNES game) and Tim Burton's produced stop-motion film, James and the Giant Peach), and they call it, The Princess and the Cobbler.
This is mediocre. It added '90s pop-like songs from characters that are rejects from either Richard Rich films or Don Bluth films. They do keep the original Vincent Price voice. Notice that even though the Thief isn't talking in this version like the original version, he only screams, grunts, and gasps.
Overall, this is not all the way as good as the original.
FINAL VERDICT (for the Allied Filmmakers version): 5/10
Now, in 1995, one year after that version was released in Australia, UK and South Africa, Miramax used that version, but they called it Arabian Knight, and... oh my god! What am I doing? Why am I reviewing the Weinsteins' version? WHY?!? Well, here we go.
This one is brain dead. In fact, they added the inappropriate voice of Mathew Broderick. What?!? However, they do keep the Vincent Price voice, so I'll give Miramax a bit of a credit. Then, there's the Thief, and what have they done? They made the Thief TALK in this film... IN HIS MIND! But, the thief isn't the only one, the alligators and Phido also talk in their thoughts. What, the director of Homeward Bound took over the production?! And of course, the montage, and the great parts were all distorted and cut-out. That's a very generic idea for Miramax! Overall, it sucks! It's worse than Disaster Movie, Batman & Robin, Catwoman, High School Musical, Superman IV: Quest for Peace, Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen, and every single Uwe Boll movie ever made.
FINAL VERDICT (for the Miramax version): 0/10!!!
So please, watch the original version. You may like it. In fact, a long time ago, Roy E. Disney was to restore the original version. So there has to be hope! Maybe.
Coonskin (1974)
TVBRobotnik at the Movies: Coonskin
Remember Ralph Bakshi? The guy that was an animator on Terrytoons, then on Paramount Cartoon Studios, after that, he was a director on Fritz the Cat 1 & 2 and Heavy Traffic? Well, this is Coonskin. And it's actually pretty good. Racist, but good. The movie takes place in Harlem Nights (No, duh, it was a working title.) but with a twist that becomes a lampoon of a Disney movie, Song of the South.
It's about Sampson (Barry White) and the Preacherman (Charles Gordone) rush to help their friend, Randy (Philip Michael Thomas) escape from prison, but are stopped by a roadblock and wind up in a shootout with the police. While waiting for them, Randy unwillingly listens to fellow escapee Pappy (Scatman Crothers), as he begins to tell Randy a story about "three guys, I used to know, just like you and your friends". Pappy's story is told in animation set against live-action background photos and footage.
Brother Rabbit (voice of Thomas), Brother Bear (voice of White), and Preacher Fox (voice of Gordone) decide to pack up and leave their Southern settings after the bank mortgages their home and sells it to a man who turns it into a brothel. Arriving in Harlem, Rabbit, Bear, and Fox find that it isn't all that it's made out to be. They encounter a con man named Simple Savior, a phony revolutionary leader who purports to be the "cousin" of Black Jesus, and that he gives his followers "the strength to kill whites". In a flashy stage performance in his "church", Savior acts out being brutalized by symbols of black oppression—represented by images of John Wayne, Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon, before asking his parishioners for "donations".
Rabbit first goes up against Madigan, a virulently racist and homophobic white police officer and the bag man for the Mafia, who demonstrates his contempt for African Americans in various ways, including a refusal to bathe before an anticipated encounter with them (he believes they're not worth it). When Madigan finds out that Rabbit has been taking his payoffs, he and his cohorts, Ruby and Bobby, are led to a nightclub called "The Cottontail".
A black stripper distracts him while an LSD sugar cube is dropped into his drink. Madigan, while under the influence of his spiked drink, is then maneuvered into a sexual liaison with a stereotypically effeminate gay man, and then shoved into clothes that women were representative of the racist archetype, adorned in something racist, and finally shoved out the back of the club where he discovers that Ruby and Bobby are dead.
Then, while recovering from his delirium of being drugged, shoots his gun around randomly, and is shot to death by the police after shooting one of them.
Rabbit, Bear, Fox and the opponent boxer rush out of the boxing arena as it blows up. The live-action story ends with Randy and Pappy escaping while being shot at by various white cops, but managing to make it out alive.
This movie was controversial at that time of release, and was re-edited by the director several times under the title, Street Fight, which is obvious, since Street Fight is a 2005 documentary about racism in the streets. In fact, this movie has the same subject as the documentary.
That caused Bryanston Pictures, the distributor of this film and the original Tobe Hopper classic, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to go out of business. Because Paramount wanted to produce and distribute this film, but due to racism, Bryanston took over Bakshi's production.
Despite the controversy, it was worth the entertainment. The animation was awesome at that time, the plot makes sense, and it's actually funny too.
FINAL VERDICT: 9/10