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Reviews
Kindergarten Ninja (1994)
Type of movie that would be incinerated after failing to sell any copies in a 10p clearance bin
In his first directing role Anthony Chan gives us Kindergarten Ninja. An anti-drug (DARE) film that forces you to indulge in a vast array of mind-altering substances just to make it bearable. Kindergarten Ninja is the anthesis of a family movie; e.g. drug use, womanizing, violence. It's more like a comedy, one which you laugh at. The film has an unclassified rating (UN) as no sane person could probably sit through the entire coma-inducing mess. I suspect the review board simply deny its existence and see the whole premise as a joke on them and all Americans. It's important to remember that even though this is a US anti drugs film it was brought by a Hong Kong based distributor (Panorama Entertainment). God only knows what they saw in this diabolical mess, maybe cheap laughs at the expense of a nation.
OK, so what is Kindergarten Ninja about I hear you ask? Well, football "mega-star" Blade Steel (Dwight Clark) is sentenced to 90 days community service for being a drunken sex addict. What is Blade's punishment? Well, being the model citizen that he is, he's forced to tutor kids at his local community center. But Blade is bored, then suddenly a kung fu teaching angel; "Bruce" appears. He's tired of hanging out with Elvis and Charlie Chaplin in heaven so begins to teach Blade useless kung fu moves whilst sacrilegiously uttering memorable lines from movies such as Enter The Dragon. Blade then teaches the kids his kung poo, and that's about it - coupled with poorly staged fights along the way. The fights themselves look like they were choreographed by a mentally handicapped chimpanzee. Credit must also be given to the writer, George Chung (not to be confused with the famous 70s cocaine smuggler). A man who took all the worse parts of Kindergarten Cop, Hustler Squad, Young Dragons - The Kung Fu Kids, Bad News Bears, etc and made them significantly more unbearable.
Overall, Kindergarten Ninja feels like a low budget homemade porno. The poor camera quality, bad sound and womanizing lead actor, but no porn. Just 90 minutes of z-grade kung fu trash. Chan's lack of direction is shocking. I'm guessing he couldn't afford a boom mic so was forced to use the camera's inbuilt one. I really hope he doesn't direct another movie. Chan should stick to producing nauseating kiddy fodder like "Adventures with Kanga Roddy".
To conclude, I think that the purpose of movies is akin to music. Both enhance your life and provide entertainment. Having this in mind, Kindergarten Ninja cannot be classified as a movie. Words cannot describe how mind-numbingly banal and tedious it was. Having said this, I do have to congratulate Anthony Chan on making, possibly, the worst kung fu production I have ever seen. It's so bad it's bad.
The Nostril Picker (1993)
Terribly scripted dialogue delivered by brain-dead actors, a ridiculous plot and a predictable twist
Originally called The Changer. The Nostril Picker is a poorly constructed tale about a loner named Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) who "likes em young". Unable to socially interact with girls he bumps into a tramp who teaches him a special Vietnamese chant. This "chant" involves whistling 'London Bridge is Falling Down' whilst hopping around like an epileptic morris dancer. Nonetheless, Ugly Joe tries it out and hey presto! He is now a girl. Ideally he needs to be a young guy in order attract girls. But lets not talk about ideals here - this film was made in 1983 and released in 1993, in an ideal world it should have NEVER been released.
The Film Asylum dubbed this horror hokum as "mind numbing, ham handed story telling". Its worse than that. The Nostril Picker really takes the biscuit, in fact the whole god-damn cookie jar. Terribly scripted dialogue delivered by brain-dead actors, a ridiculous plot and a predictable twist. Just when things couldn't get any more absurd the story goes off on its own nonsensical tangent. For instance, Joe decides to kill the girls by changing back into himself. But i thought he wanted to get close to them? Not content with being a murderer Joe also turns into a cannibal and eats some of his victims, of which there were only around 3-4.
The highlight of this terrible movie involves Joe picking up a hooker (Steven Andrews) then taking "her" back to his apartment. What happens next defies belief... Joe turns back into a man, but also discovers the hooker is a man. How does he react? Well, in a Benny Hill-esquire fashion, he chases "her" around the apartment with a bunch of squirty dildo's only to trip up on a blow up doll. God knows what Patrick J Matthews and Stephen Hodge were thinking of. At least this scene paved the way for another priceless moment. This involved the male hooker reporting the incident to a curly haired police officer with a 2-bit joke shop 'cop' uniform. The hilarious acting is a must see. Especially the hooker's inability at saying "dildo" and his demand for "satisfaction".
Apart from the above mentioned incident this monotonous slash flick was a complete bore. You know a movie's bad when the DVD trailers were more exciting. Normally, i'd fast forward to the good bits, only there weren't any here. The main action sequences involved Joe simply stabbing his victims repeatedly. Forget quick cuts, Matthews utilizes fadeouts (one during a stab scene) to limit any form of suspense there might already be. One girl's non-reaction to her fingers being chopped off is laughable. Normally i'd relish the words "uncut" but in this case they were far from a blessing. Just more agonizing cinematic torture. The whole movie felt like an unedited episode of Midsummer Murders, only less entertaining. I'd hate to see the cut version.
To sum up, The Nostril picker is the most unentertaining thing i've seen since Richard Hammond's 5 O' Clock Show. Dismal performances made worse by a terribly tinny soundtrack and bad dubbing. Don't be fooled by the box label, this is NOT a cult classic unless it qualifies for the lets-use-shitty-horror-dvds-for-coffee-coasters cult. Which i think it does. Unless re-edited to 30 minutes stay away from this coma inducing mess.