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Hereditary (2018)
Mushroom birthday cake.
Oh dear lord, as I write this review I pray that you might find it within your unending holiness to forgive this cast and supporting characters for the many hours of perfectly good time that hath been wasted.
It was a good night, the kind of night that might be stored in the "remember when" series of memories one recalls by way of general conversation. We had no idea that were about to embark on a 2 hour journey that would follow one of our companions to the grave and quite possibly put to an end his authority to make decisions on what movies we just have to go see.
There was a huge gap between a head getting lobbed off by a pole, and one of those naked bear guys holding his belly up while his dong dangled freely in the moonlight that I just stared at an oversized screen, waiting and listening with all my might for something to just start making sense.
Is this what happens when a genre reaches a peak and begins to fizzle out? Do we really need an over intellectualized movie about "what if Grandma was a Satanist?" I thought this was reserved for low budget comedy flicks of the 80's. Maybe that is the silver lining here because when we saw the 4 nudes in the woods at a critical point in the wrap up, it was all we could do not to laugh, and quite frankly the hour and a half of pure emotionless boredom that preceeded that moment took it out of us, so we just laughed for a good two minutes, knowing that the joke was on us. Then we went home to watch something else to try and rinse the boredom off of us. Thanks Ash we owe you one.
On a side note, Dear Toni Colette, I have enjoyed a number of your films, how these people managed to convince you to be in this movie, then hang from a ceiling while sawing your head off is a fabulous show of salesmanship. I wish I hadn't seen that.
A Better Place (2016)
Your one stop chop and slop
If you like terrible movies, this is an elegant masterpiece on par with the 2016 presidential race. Perhaps they couldn't have done it without them.
I first infected my television and my dear girlfriend's mind when we were looking for something to watch, anything. We opened the preview and although skeptical, I was intrigued. We gave it a shot, just jumped on in there with cold coffee and no popcorn at all. Had I known the ride I was in for, I would have done it all differently by repeatedly bashing my head into the front door until the brain trauma had finally leaked in.
The outright rudeness of the opening characters was splendid. It seemed that at every turn, any individual might walk in off the street with a raging case of hemorrhoids and sit on a gallon of fresh vanilla ice cream like it was no big deal to absolutely no reaction of the cast of background mutes.
I wondered to myself, what kind of town is this? Intrigued further, I continued to watch. I knew what I was in for, but I was completely unaware that some people have a completely different interpretation of a super power than the rest of the world, and some of these people have begun to infiltrate some of my favorite film genres. But can you blame me for continuing? I was thrown off my guard. I haven't seen movie making this bad since Kurt Russell wore and eye patch and Dolph Lundgren had baby smooth skin.
To be fair, When a movie opens up with forgettable 80's street thugs dressed all cloak and dagger like in Walmart shopping outfits pulling pranks on the local diner's lifer waitress, you just get pulled in somehow. It wasn't too long before I reasoned that this movie was clearly a joke and nothing more.
Now, if for some reason, you went the full mile like me and mine, I do recommend pulling out the sweaters as suggested by dbh850, because you are in for the flat tire of your life. I was shocked by the terrible service you get at the grocery store when your card is shut down, the overwhelming cunning of the local sheriff, and I may forever wonder just how many envelopes Sam Abram carries with him into church. Tireless hours were spent on thinking of the most immediate and abrasive reaction one might have to anything that put them at any sort of disadvantage or just simply didn't work out the way they were supposed to.
I for one am glad that I won't get this hour of my life back, because it was bound to happen, and I am grateful I will never have to relive the experience of seeing this movie again. Not an ounce of curiosity was left unspent, and I will sleep soundly knowing I have finally seen the worst movie possible. Putting it at the top of my list of poovies.