Change Your Image
uberfurbs
Reviews
Dorian Gray (2009)
This disaster could have been avoided if the director had a Sassy Gay Friend, or at least a copy of the damn book
Problems with this movie:
1. Ben Barnes as Dorian. I guess he's kind of good-looking in a gawky sort of way, but he's not blindingly gorgeous and charming enough to seduce every man, woman, a child in the British Isles. In fact, he's kind of awkward.
2. The whole plot line with Sybil is just....FUBAR. I don't even know what to say about it, other than to wonder whether the director actually read the book or not.
3. The boobs-to-intelligent-discussion ratio is alarmingly high.
4. Remember in the book how Basil had a lot of great lines? Well, that's all been replaced by bitchy glares and an awkward blow job.
5. When Dorian smells the bloody scarf after he kills Basil. I don't know, I guess it's a petty thing to complain about, but it just made me laugh hysterically at an inappropriate time.
6. The ending. Where did that even come from, seriously. I really want to know whose idea it was to completely change the whole second half of the plot, because really, if you think you can write Dorian Gray better than Oscar Wilde did, you should be lobotomized.
Good things about this movie:
1. Lord Henry. Spot on.
2. They have some really nice costumes.
3. Um...no, that's about it.
The Crazies (2010)
About as bad as expected.
This movie is just bad. There's no way around it. The plot is unbelievably predictable: a polluted water supply turns everyone crazy, the classic idiot military comes in to make a big mess of everything, there are some cliché zombie fight scenes, and the main characters walk away unharmed in the end. Some of the scenes were so cheesy and hilarious that they had my entire family in stitches. There was a big chunk in the middle that was quite badly written and I had no idea what was happening or where the characters were.
But that being said, The Crazies is really no worse than most horror movies. It's rare to come across a movie in this genre that isn't totally ridiculous.
The Uninvited (2009)
What?
Anna is an innocent, completely sane teenage girl whose mother recently died in a fire. With the help of her sister Alex and some obnoxious ghost children, she finds out that her father's new girlfriend/her dead mom's nurse, Rachel, is a murderer named Mildred Kemp who caused the fire that killed her mom. Then Rachel tries to kill Anna and Alex, so Alex kills Rachel, right as their dad comes home from a business trip to try and explain the world's most uncalled for plot twist.
As it turns out, Alex died in the fire and Anna had been imagining her presence the entire time. Rachel wasn't actually a psycho killer, she's actually a very nice woman and Anna's paranoia had just led her to believe she viciously attacked her with a knife. Anna was the one who accidentally started the fire, Rachel had absolutely nothing to do with it. The random ghost kids were there...why, exactly? Was that ever explained? And, to top it all off, Anna actually knows Mildred Kemp! She just completely forgot that she had a friend back at the crazy shack with the same exact name as the person who she thought Rachel really was!
Confused? I sure am.
I'm all for unexpected twist endings, as long as they make logical sense with the rest of the plot and don't feel like they were added in at the last minute because the story was too boring. The Uninvited tries too hard to be surprising and interesting and in the process becomes confusing and hard to believe.
Miss March (2009)
I feel bad for this movie.
This is probably one of the dumbest movies I've seen in my life. The concept is terrible, it's disgustingly raunchy, and it barely makes sense. But, at the same time, it was absolutely hilarious.
I'm a huge fan of The Whitest Kids U'Know, and was excited to see this movie because of Zach and Trevor writing, directing, and starring in it. Their sketch comedy is ridiculous, silly, and sometimes downright offensive, but it never fails to make me laugh. That kind of humor translated directly into this movie: it was basically an extended sketch, with no real plot line but a great deal of gags and jokes. Sure, it's stupid, but you can tell that from the previews. I went into the movie theater wanting a shallow movie that would make me fall out of my seat with laughter, and that's exactly what I got.
If you dislike this movie, go watch something smarter. I'm going to watch Miss March and have a good time doing it.
Saw (2004)
And now you have to make a choice.
This is an amazing movie.
Jigsaw, although quite deranged, is a genius. He sees people who don't appreciate life, and wants to do something about it. Instead of just capturing and torturing them like any other killer would, he sets up elaborate "games" in which he tests his victims' will to live. His plans are very well thought out, and are very scary - not because of the gore, but because of the thought actually being in this situation. Also, Jigsaw is the only killer smart enough to make his legacy continue on for several sequels after he dies.
The plot really makes you think. Unlike most horror/thrillers, it isn't about some maniac going around killing strangers, or a ghost haunting someone. It's a gripping, twisted story of people who are placed in life-or-death situations by a clever yet psycho man. The plot is completely unpredictable, although in some places, very confusing. I had no idea at all what was going on in the ending, and it took me a long time to figure out how all these characters are connected.
Like most horror movies, Saw has a lot of humor. Some was obvious, including most of Adam's lines, but some parts were hilarious yet unintended, such as the man freaking out in the wire maze and dying (totally his own fault), Jigsaw's costume making him look like Rocky Balboa and Michael Jackson in some shots, whoever it was hiding in the girl's closet just standing there with a blanket over his head, and who can forget the classic line: "I thought I was alone, but I'm SURE someone else was there!" The movie itself is very well made, especially for the low budget it had. All the various traps must've been very hard to make. The actors had a lot of courage to put themselves inside those death machines. The lighting gave it a spooky feel, and had a lot of variation: the light in the bathroom was bright and washed out, some flashback scenes were greenish, etc.
Overall, Saw is one of the best movies I've ever seen, and I can watch it over and over again without getting bored. Go rent it.