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mustardman01
Reviews
Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)
I Know I've Been Bad, but Bad Enough to Deserve This?!
My friends and I were sitting around one day having one of our conversations about movies and someone asked the question, "What is the worst film you've ever seen?" The question was answered round-table style by everyone in the room. There was a 'Batman and Robin', a 'Cruel Intentions' and someone else even threw in 'Tomb Raider'. When it came to be my turn to answer, there was no hesitation. No doubt in my mind, no pause in my speech, to slur to my words. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the worst movie I had ever seen in my entire life was "Howling: New Moon Rising". In fact, I went so far as to say that "Howling: New Moon Rising" isn't just the worst movie I've ever seen--it's the worst movie ever made.
Ever.
There is no point in arguing with me. And yes, I have seen "Retro Puppet Master" and "Going Overboard".
Over the years, the film industry has put out some pretty horrendous films, movies that leave bad tastes in your mouth, movies that make you rush to the bathroom to vomit them out of your system, but "H:NMR" is the first movie that ever made me want to throw myself off a bridge and plunge into the icy waters below. Yes, this film made me want to welcome death with open arms, and chances are it will probably do the same to you.
Words cannot describe how bad this movie is. Joe Dante made the first 'Howling' in 1981 and it is, in my opinion, the greatest werewolf film ever made. Then 'The Howling' became infected with a horrible virus: sequelitis. Executives realized that they could make a cheap buck by churning out inexpensive, unrelated sequels, so they did. The sequels ranged from the decent-- "Howling V: The Rebirth", to the so-bad it's hilarious-- "Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf". Then writer/producer/actor/film composer/editor/post-production supervisor and all around multi-talented and title-hogging Clive Turner came aboard. (I meant all that, really...oh, except for the talented part). I read an interview with this guy and he went on and on about how this is easily the best of the series, maybe even better than the first one. How they're doing some really unique things with this movie to make it stand out.
Well, Mr. Turner, if by 'unique' you really mean, 'ridiculously inane, idiotic, incomprehensible, so-ameteurish my six-year old cousin could make a better film told in finger paints and shoe-polish' then yeah, I'd say you've definately done something 'unique' with the series.
This movie is a tricky devil. It's got box art that's more than half-way decent, a back cover synopsis that makes the movie sound flavorful and interesting and it's a part of a series that ultimately is good fun if you've nothing better to rent then six werewolf films. But, I WARN you...picking this movie up, you are damning your soul to 90 minutes of painful torture, quite possibly not unlike the very fires of Hades itself...but then again, what do I know? I'm the guy who just spent twenty minutes typing this "review".
After I told all of my friends my choice for worst movie ever, they all groaned and moaned. "We were picking more mainstream films, Brandon. I'm sure 'Howling 7' is bad, but we're talking 'Ghost Ship' here."
I thought about running to the closest video store, plunking down the three bucks to rent this film and forcing them to sit through it, suffering, sweating and possibly bleeding, but then I realized that's how movies like this get made, by people trying to prove to their friends that have truly seen the worst film ever.
Nah, I thought, I'd rather put my hand in the blender.
Dreamcatcher (2003)
A Curious Misfire, Caught in a Web of Cliche Dreams
Lawrence Kasdan is responsible for some of the most moving and honest ensemble dramas in recent film history. Films like "The Big Chill", "Grand Canyon" and the underrated "Mumford". Even when trying his hand at directing action ("Silverado"-the first studio western made in years) he strikes gold. His films carry a message, sometimes clear, sometimes a little vague, but there is never a doubt when watching a Kasdan film that you're watching anything less than a well thought out story, populated by some of the screen's most eclectic and recognizable performers; a story that never settles for anything below the honesty of realization. With this in mind, I pose what I think to be an honest question, deserving of an honest answer:
What in the name of God went wrong with 'Dreamcatcher'?!
I think I came up with some very good answers, at least the only answers I could figure out after watching this film twice. TWICE!
The problem with 'Dreamcatcher' isn't necessarily the movie--it's the source material. Stephen King wrote his 600+ page novel while recouperating after being hit by a truck. His fans, worried that he might never write again were sedated by 'Dreamcatcher', a novel that merely incorporated every element that made King's earlier novels work and mashed them into a cliche of a book. It was as if King was doing nothing but letting his fans know that he could still churn 'em out, and with 'Dreamcatcher', he certainly did.
That takes care of the first problem. The second was the decision to make the film adaption as literal as possible. William Goldman (no slouch in the screenwriting industry himself-'Butch Cassidy', 'Princess Bride', anyone?) tried with all his might to incorporate even the tiniest detail from King's novel, and as we all know, what might work in novel form, doesn't always work in film form.
Another problem is that Kasdan himself has admitted to the fact that he is not a horror movie fan. Watching 'Dreamcatcher' one can easily understand that Kasdan was most certainly telling the truth. Someone schooled in the process of horror or suspense filmmaking would know that less is more. Kasdan, not being well versed in this field, is simply throwing everything at the audience, hoping that somewhere in this hodgepodge of special effects and gore, something will scare us. Well, he was wrong. There were a few moments of unnerving suspense (particularly the bathroom scene) but unfortuneately, after this scene the movie goes downhill.
'Dreamcatcher' works best in its first thirty minutes or so. As usual Kasdan knows how to make characters likable and believable (as best seen in the roundtable B.S. session early in the film), but the film quickly falls apart with scene after scene of unbelievably bad dialogue, corny British accents, a ridiculous abundance of unconvincing computer effects and a completely unintelligible ending.
And what are we to make of the sexual context of the film. There are no females in the movie, (technically there are two, but one quickly dismisses one of the men characters and another almost gets them killed), the alien creatures that serve as the antagonists of the film exit from the rectum and attack the crotch. They are more than subtly phallic shaped, and yet when their mouths open they resemble a razor toothed representation of the female genitalia. There is even a homosexual relationship hinted at between the characters (or more suitibly) caricatures of Col. Curtis (played by Morgan Freeman who we know is crazy because he has big, CRAZY eyebrows) and his protege Underhill (played by an embarassed looking Tom Sizemore, who could play this role in his sleep). There is even a shot of Curtis in a helicopter, the gattling gun attached to it's undercarriage becoming fully erect underneath the actor's legs. This may seem silly and trite, but I think the both Kasdan and Goldman are very smart people, and with imagery so obvious, it's hard to believe it slipped past them.
The performances range from excellent (Jason Lee as the underused Beav, performing dialogue that only an actor like Lee could deliver) to the absolutley atrocious (Morgan Freeman, performing dialogue that normally he could deliver, except for some reason not in this movie).
A curious misfire that is bombing horribly at the box office right now, this does have a few good moments, good ideas and mostly good actors, but is only worth watching for the first thirty minutes before the sheer stupidity and unintentional humor takes over and transforms itself from one of the most anticipated Stephen King adaptions in years, complete with A-List treatment, to a laughable, parody of itself and an insult to other, better adaptions that it so freely rips itself off from.
Grade: C-