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Reviews
The Mist (2007)
A modern classic
In The Mist a thick layer of mist descends on a small town trapping some locals in a large food store. They quickly find out that there are monsters lurking in the mist and as always with survival horror the humans turn out to be just as dangerous as the creatures outside.
The Mist is a simple story but it's told really well and even pulls out a surprising and thought provoking ending. This is the kind of horror movie they used to make before they realised most teens will sit and watch just about anything and a few blaring noises will make a cheap substitute for real scares.
I really loved this movie, it's not really scary but the characters are interesting and the different monsters they encounter are great. One of the best horror movies I've seen in a really long time.
Camp Blood 2 (2000)
The worst movie ever made
In Camp Crap II the dull frigid annoying woman from the original is in a nut house because nobody, the audience included, believed the yarn about a killer clown in the woods from the original movie. Somehow a two bit director manages to get her released so she can help make a film about it. The director is full of praise for the plot of the original, saying what a great movie it would make. Given how utterly pathetic the first effort was this suggests he never actually watched the first one.
Camp Crud II is just an excuse to show most of the original movie again probably on the assumption that anyone who had seen the original sure as hell wouldn't waste their time with this sequel. There are few additions, like the really ugly naked scene which has nothing to do with the plot, not that there is much anyway.
What really is amazing though is that the already dismal technical quality has dipped to a new low, the worst I've ever seen in a movie that's available to rent or buy. There is no sound. Yes, that's right - no sound. One reason for this could be that they use the same location as the previous movie, this "wilderness" is clearly right next to a road so perhaps the endless traffic drowned out the dialog. So there you have it, a movie so badly made it has no sound other than when a character is speaking. Car doors slam silently, blades chop without a noise..unbelievable.
People claim that some of those old sci-fi movies of the 50's are the worst films ever made but I totally disagree, plan 9 and mesa of lost women are both abysmal but they have spirit and ambition whereas this home made abomination has neither and has no excuse for it either. At least those movies managed to have sound in the right places.
Hands down the worst film I've ever seen. I especially liked the line the director comes out with - "a lot of people walk off these low budget movies" he says. I bet they do when it's this bad.
Empire of the Ants (1977)
So bad its good
Joan Collins plays a crooked real estate agent (they all are though hey) who is trying to sell some swamp land to gullible buyers. She knows the land is crap but she doesn't seem to know about the barrels of nuclear waste dumped there. Which is kind of odd because two workers put up the sign for the party on the island in clear sight of one of the barrels.
No sooner does Joan start the tour than they are menaced by giant squealing ants. These are artfully represented by giant size constructions that wouldn't scare a five year old and really badly done superimposed ant images.
The plots no dafter than most monster flicks but the effects are so dismal you can't help but laugh all the way through it. I still can't get over how bad the superimposed images were, the ants appear to be climbing into the sky and never once look like part of the same shot. I have no idea why they squeal either.
They have a cheek using HG Wells name on this one as the film has nothing to do with the short story he wrote. If you love cheesy horror nonsense then you're sure to love this.
Paura nella città dei morti viventi (1980)
Italian junk
You can tell this is the work of "genius" Lucio Fulci because it has all his hallmark touches. Characters start talking but you have no idea who they are or what they might have to do with anything then before you find out it just cuts to some more random people. The plot is basically that a priest hangs himself in Dunwich which causes the gates of hell to pop open and cheap Italian gore pours out. I love horror movies but there's nothing to get excited about with this one, the relatively high six this one gets on average is because there's a lot of people who love Lucio Fulci deconstruct his movies hoping to find evidence that he's more than just trashy inept director churning out garbage. There is no real plot and the characters aren't interesting at all.
There's no story, dismal acting and the gore..well if you are OK watching a movie with nothing but gore then it's OK but personally I look for a bit more in horror than this. The gore is about the only thing done well, I'd venture because the director thinks that's all that matters in a movie and all the other niceties is just foreplay to the gore.
Complete junk, don't waste your time.
Special Dead (2006)
"It doesn't maaaatter what I say, you're all retarded anywaaaay"
Im Special Dead zombies attack Camp Special Dude a campground for the mentally disabled. The campers and workers try to survive and escape led by the owners son who is the best comedy horror character since Ash. The other brilliant character is the guy who plays the guitar and throws in lyrics about what he'd like to do to various women - I couldn't resist using his best line as my review title.
The only thing really holding this movie back is the black character who adds nothing whatsoever to this film and just seems to be in it so equally rubbish rap music can swell up on the soundtrack. He's involved in a couple of amusing scenes but the only bits of this movie I actually found unpleasant to watch or offensive involved him. Laughing at spastics isn't very pc but in the context of this movie I found it fine, intimating that you are going to rape a woman you hijacked and the endless crap about guns isn't funny or really very interesting. If they'd cut that nonsense out I would have said this is a 7/10.
Despite this drawback The Special Dead is a great zombie movie full of funny scenes and amusing characters, it's definitely worth a watch.
Tentacoli (1977)
Testicals
A company called Trojan are busy drilling underwater and all of a sudden people start to vanish. What could be going on? The movie poster and tagline mentions something about marrow being sucked from the bone (heh) and it's mentioned in the movie too. So just what could be sucking the marrow from bones? It turns out it's an octopus..those filthy marrow suckers! Anyway the other big clue other than the sucked bone business is the hammond organ. Many sailors report hearing a cheerful hammond organ prior to an octopus attack and it's faithfully recreated in this movie and very jaunty it is too. It's a bit like the scary music in Jaws except not the scary bit, or the music bit.
Needless to say this being a 70s movie the hero is doing a spread for an environmental magazine and big business is the one really sucking the marrow out of the world. Nobody can act whatsoever and there are hugely long segments that just have no bearing on the rest of the movie. In fact to be honest the entire film is made up solely of scenes that bear no relations whatsoever to what happens next. The films attempts at humour are basically people being not very nice to fat munters. The fat Italian man comments that nobody likes the fat man, not in this film they don't buddy but don't worry you'll be grasping those tentacles after two lame jump shots within 30 seconds and it will all be over for you. Not that anyone will in any way comment on this fat mans passing, he is after all just a fat man and not one of the slim heavily sideburned characters.
This movie will suck the marrow out of your bones and bore the hell out of the rest of you but it's still worth watching because you can pretend you are watching a really clever parody of the 70s eco-monster genre. Except you're not, you're having your marrow sucked by a substandard Italian rip-off of Jaws.
Puzzlehead (2005)
An oasis in the desert of crappy teen orientated movies
This movie is one of the most original films I've seen in years. If you like thought provoking films you'll love it, if you are more into action and exploding cars you probably won't be so keen. My only reservation about it is the setting which is only mentioned once and it's tantalisingly left at that. That's fine by me because you can see more or less what's happened but it still would have been nice if the background was a little more consistent. I wanted to see more of it especially as it was so hauntingly shot.
I was interested by a comment someone else posted - "I don't understand how tripe like this can still be churned out in the 21st century with over 100 years of film history behind us.."
It's almost like they are saying movies started off terrible and amateurish and have somehow gone on an evolutionary journey to being better. I don't see that with Hollywood at all, it seems to me as though intelligent movies like this one are a rarity whereas in the past plot was something writers worked at because flashy effects and exploding cars were harder to come by.
"NO movie studio should back things like this." The person adds. Sadly, most studios won't so you have almost got your wish there. It's a shame though because films with an actual story to tell like this one will stay with you a lot longer than that exploding car scene. Each to his own though, I think this is a work of genius but I know a lot of people will disagree simply because it is slow and thoughtful. I personally found the implications quite scary, more so than a CGI monster popping out and a blaring noise to inform the viewer when to jump which is what passes for horror these days.
Alien Hunter (2003)
Alien Munter
James Spader plays a floppy haired "communications expert" who used to work for SETI. When a strange object is found in the Arctic he's sent out to a research station to investigate. Our floppy haired hero discovers that none other than his ex is there and she's hooked up with someone else with floppy hair. Luckily he's irresistible to women judging by the way they start flirting with him "I'm going for a shower, want to join me?" and "I work naked" being two of the most memorable lines. Male writer by any chance? Male writer with not a huge amount of experience writing for or having intercourse with women? I think so. It's kind of hard to buy into this guy as being a chick magnet especially when he titters like a nervous young girl being teased by her friends over someone she has a crush on.
He decodes a signal being broadcast from the thing and discovers it is a warning not to open the object up.
Unfortunately they've pretty much jimmied it open by this point and find an alien inside and the bad news is it doesn't have floppy hair, though it does seem drawn to Spaders so it's not all bad. They quickly switch the lights off so they can stumble around in the dark for a bit.
Alien Hunter isn't that bad, it obviously rips its best bits out of other movies and has only a couple of genuinely interesting ideas neither of which come to much. I totally agree with this movies current rating, a 5 seems fair as it has nothing new to show you but it's not terrible either.
And there's two guys with floppy hair at odds with each other and a nice spaceship, if that's your idea of a good movie you're going to love it - everyone else is going to quickly forget this one. What I can't understand though is why anyone would make this movie, it has no ambition and so many scenes seem to be time fillers. I wouldn't be surprised if parts of the script were simply titled "pointless dark stumbling scene 49" and none of the characters seem to show any emotions at all. And more to the point why are they growing GM crops in the Arctic in their underwear? Why does the scientist who is about to win a Nobel prize seem to know nothing whatsoever about science, including science related to plants when he's supposed to be the expert? We will never know..but you really won't care either.
The Thing (1982)
Classic, one of the best
I think this is one of the best sci-fi horror movies ever. The setting is brilliant, the isolation is total and the paranoia feels believable. The creature itself without giving too much away has a very simple and understandable desire to survive. You can imagine if it had ended up somewhere less remote and although you get little information about its origins it doesn't matter because like the aliens in the movie Aliens you know enough about it to know it's damn scary.
The effects have held up fairly well, there are bits that still make me jump but the point is that it's a very well told story and the characters are likable and though thinly sketched also feel like real people. I loved this movie and I have watched it many times since it came out, if you haven't seen it then treat yourself to a night of quality entertainment.
I'd rate this gem as highly as Aliens, it's simply brilliant and the dogs acting easily beats most of Hollywoods current 'talent' hands or paws down.
I Am Legend (2007)
Fresh Prince vs the CGI badmen
Will Smith: Wiki wild wild wow throw me y'all that copy of Omega Man, thatclassic movie with Charlton Heston in it, I want to wiki wow my ass all over that one!
Hollywood: Coming right up Mr Smith! Wow do that great face you do.
Will Smith: This one?
Hollywood: No that other one.
Will Smith: Oh you mean this one. Hey I'm versatile, like er a country pile.
Hollywood: Nioe rapping! You're so talented and acceptable to a black or white audience Mr Smith, god bless you. Oh you did big jobs all over that silly old movie.
Will Smith: Wiki wow, I sure did. Now hand me that book called I am Legend I'm going to wiki wipe my rich ass all over that too.
Hollywood: Go right ahead Mr S, we haven't read it anyway and don't intend to. Who cares that it's thought to be one of the most articulate, clever and engaging horror stories ever. Why don't you use this copy of The Last Man on Earth to get those stubborn wingnuts off.
Will Smith: Thanks! I'll do that. Who cares that those movies were fun, clever and witty. Wiki wow that was good. Shall we make Bad Boys IV now?
Hollywood: Sure Will, then lets see what other movies we can remake and utterly trash. After all, most audiences are so thick they're going to lap this up, how about we re-do Casablanca next?
Will Smith: Fresh Prince of Casablanca?
Hollywood: You sir are a genius. You could sing the theme tune.
Will Smith: Wiki wow wow wild Morocco, Jim West, desperado, rough rider No you don't want nada if you don't get on that plane you'll wild wild regret it!
Hollywood: Hot damn, this is what the modern audience wants!
Signs (2002)
Up 967% since last week, and here's why
This film is a turkey, it follows the classic no-budget b-movie tactic of telling you an awful lot about what's going on without showing you because it's a hell of a lot cheaper. There are some moments of tension that collapse into inanity as the plot unfolds into farce. You've probably already seen this big gobbling turkey of a film and either love it or hate it.
The truth is if you love it it's probably because it mentions Jesus. Just look at the stats for this one, in one week it's gone up nearly 1000% based on the fanatical voting of people who are stoked there's a religious message in it, even though it's absolutely nonsensical, that and people who "get" M Night Ramadamadingdong.
It still only gets on average a 6 at the time of writing and I think even that is generous. This is THE worst film I've ever paid money to see, the plot and characters are laughable and the whole thing is one long egotistic stroke job. I feel sorry for people who think this is a great movie, it's fair enough that people have different opinions on films but the fanatical love this turd produces sickens me.
If you have any taste in films and haven't had your mouth swilled by M Night Shandyhands blend of egotistical meaningless turdery then do yourself a favour and don't be fooled by a few dozen die hard fans that vote and vote and vote for this rubbish.
It really is THE worst film I've ever coughed up money to watch. You'll love it or hate it, if you love it I pity you I honestly do.
White Noise (2005)
Ten minute plot, 101 minute movie.
Michael Keaton plays a chap whose wife dies and is contacted by someone who believes the dead contact him through the static on his telly and radio. Not a bad plot for a thirty minute TV show, maybe the twilight zone could have had fun with this moderately original idea.
I don't mind a slow thriller but next to nothing happens and what does transpire is so completely guessable from the start. There is precisely two shocks in the whole film, one of which is so predictable it's just embarrassing. We get to see him watching what he thinks is his dead wife on the TV set and he gets closer and closer..and closer, can you guess what happens? The ending is just thrown in there with no real connection to the rest of the story. The final scenes and the little message that pops up at the end are amusingly ham fisted and daft. Not a terrible movie, it's watchable enough but it's a time waster and nothing more. I'm surprised at all the gusting reviews.
Diary of the Dead (2007)
The dead return for youtube hits
The social commentary in George Romeros movies has always been a bit sketchy. Oh no it's the zombie consumers, oh no now it's the zombie homeless. Finally we get the least credible one of all, the zombie media spin.
The whole movie is filmed by film students on the road fleeing a zombie outbreak. Not a bad idea but every moment of entertainment is soured by an endless hand wringing about the media, who hilariously lie about the zombies for no apparent reason. There are so many scenes where the media gets a good moaning at and bloggers are treated like the messengers of truth and wisdom.
The kids are more concerned about youtube than the fact the dead are everywhere. I call this one a total dud, I love zombie movies but I was bored to tears after an hour. If you thought Land of the Dead was pretty witless then this one will stun you it's so bad. Sad to see George Romero sink to yet another low with this movie, I can't imagine him ever making another good zombie flick he's totally lost the plot.
George if by some miracle you are reading this please for gods sake if you want to make a film about the media, the homeless or something that doesn't involve zombies go right ahead I'd probably pay to see it but don't make a zombie film and try to shoehorn in elements that don't fit, it just doesn't work.