cpudsey's Reviews

Ultraviolet (2006)

1/10

27 January 2007

Ultraviolet is one of those movies that should appeal to genre fans (sci-fi, action, horror), but instead, fails miserably.

It borrows heavily from movies such as The Matrix, Equilibrium, Kill Bill, Aeon Flux and even Sin City, but fails to capture anything that made those movies good. Instead of taking a deeper view of what was engaging about these movies, it jams all the aspects of "Wow, that looked cool!" together in a mish-mash that simply does not work.

The story is simplistic and uninspired; the dialog seems to have been written by an eight year old; and the special effects, while passable in some places, are simply put together in a hodge-podge mess. Ultraviolet embodies why movies that are created foremost as a showcase for SFX and visual extravaganzas, with the plot and script tacked on afterward, invariably fall short.

Simply put, this movie is awful. Save yourself the aggravation, and watch something like Equilibrium instead.

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Samouraïs (2002)

6/10

Silly, but good fun and worth a viewing

25 November 2005

Having just finished watching this movie, I must say it was nowhere near as bad as most of the reviews would have had me believe. I suppose the most misleading thing about this movie is the title it really has very little to do with Samurais at all. Basically, Samouraïs is mix of martial arts, supernatural action, cop story and techno thriller. I'll be the first to admit, the story is far from perfect, being very simplistic, and outrageously silly in a few places. Nevertheless, I did enjoy it. Anyway, let me break it down into pros and cons:

Pros great fight scenes (for the most part); some truly fantastic visual effects and CGI; great "video game" sequences; and some clever (if bizarre) story elements.

Cons the Nadir character is a truly stupid and annoying "bumbling sidekick", on a par with Jar Jar Binks; the fight scenes and violence were strangely sanitized in many ways, much more so than I would expect given the genre and subject matter; every attempt at humor and/or comic relief fails miserably (extremely unfunny and insultingly stupid); and as had been pointed out, the plot is very simplistic, and very implausible in many areas.

All in all, Samouraïs is worth a watch if you are a fan of martial arts action and/or supernatural action movies, but please don't see it with expectations of epic cinema or brilliant acting. Also, if you are looking for a "Samurai" genre movie, this certainly is not it. All that aside, an entertaining and easy to watch B-grader.

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The Hunted (2003)

4/10

Yet another half-decent movie ruined by abject stupidity

12 January 2004

Warning: Spoilers

The Hunted was a film that held some promise as a decent action/chase movie, but then fell apart with some horrible plot holes and laughably unrealistic turns of events.

The basic movie premise is that a special operations assassin has lost the plot and started killing civilians, and the man who trained him is required to bring him in. The first two thirds of the film consist of setting the scene, and then enacting the hunt for the fugitive. There are some great chase and fight scenes here. In particular, the knife fighting scenes are brilliant (if quite gory), very well choreographed and enacted. If you are a fan of this type of hand to hand combat in movies, you won't be disappointed. The overall storyline of the film is somewhat reminiscent of First Blood or Shoot to Kill (a.k.a. Deadly Pursuit).

***SPOILERS***

What lets this movie down is the horribly unrealistic events of the final third of the movie. It turns what had been a reasonable interesting action thriller into an absolute fiasco. While Del Toro is being chased by Jones, he stops and takes time to forge a new knife out of some scrap metal he finds. Yes, forge the knife! He kindles a campfire (which is supposedly hot enough to be used as a forge) and proceeds to hammer out a new knife! So what does Tommy Lee do while Benicio plays blacksmith? He makes his own knife - by chipping some flint into a blade like a caveman. Of course, all of this happens while the FBI are scouring the area with choppers. Not only does Del Toro have time to go medieval with his makeshift furnace, he also has time to set some ludicrously large and elaborate mantraps for Jones. These events had me alternatively laughing out loud, and cringing at the ruination of a potentially decent movie.

Apart from these death blows to the movie, it also suffered from some other weak points: a chase through city streets where Jones not only uses his incredible tracking ability to follow Del Toro, but also seems to have some sort of ESP (i.e. in parts, the chase sequence isn't very believable); also, the SFX when Tommy Lee plummets over a waterfall are VERY poor quality - it would have been better if they just threw a dummy over a waterfall.

On the positive side, the knife fighting (as stated above) is incredible, and the training sequences quite riveting. Fans of in-your-face, brutal and bloody fighting will be pleased.

To sum it up, what could have been quite an enjoyable and tidy action/thriller is reduced to another forgettable and laughable B-grader. If the more ridiculous elements of The Hunted had been omitted, I would have given it a solid 8/10, but, as is, it struggles to even get 4/10. Avoid unless you want to watch it exclusively for the knife fights.

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Van Wilder (2002)

Buttock-clenchingly bad

23 October 2003

Think slapstick, toilet-humour teen comedies have been done to death? If not, you will after watching 5 minutes of Van Wilder...

I sat through this epically awful "comedy" (and I use the word in it's loosest sense) on cable...the fact I didn't pay to see it did not seem to make it any more bearable. What inspired me to watch it to the end? Morbid curiosity, I suppose.

Another in the endless series of teen potty-humour movies (American Pie, Wildcats, Not Another Teen Movie et al) that have been pumped out in the last few years. You will find nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in this movie you haven't seen a hundred times before, and, no doubt, executed infinitely better.

The jokes are so hackneyed and predictable, you can guess the punchlines about 0.5 seconds after the gag begins. The level of humour makes Beavis and Butthead seem like Oscar Wilde, to the point where it just isn't funny. In fact, the only couple of laughs I got from the entire movie were outtakes shown over the end credits - and these were obviously only funny because they were improvised by the actors, not drawn from the awful script itself.

Ryan Reynolds ought to sue his manager for putting him in this one. I think he is a very funny comedian (Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place), and even in this titanic turkey, he delivers his (terrible) lines with a certain amount of flair.

Maybe a bunch of drunken, pubescent teenagers MIGHT get a chuckle out of Van Wilder, but for anyone else, please let this atrocity gather dust on the shelves where it belongs.

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The Animatrix: Final Flight of the Osiris (2003)

Season 1, Episode 1

Must see for Matrix Fans

6 May 2003

I strongly suggest that any fans of the Matrix should see this short animated feature. It is a sort of ''mini-prequel'' to Matrix Reloaded. The computer animation is quite remarkable, similar to that of Final Fantasy, or the Starship Troopers TV series. Also, I thought it was a very clever (devious?) move by the film studios to show this as a featurette with Dream Catcher - I guarantee this ploy must have at least doubled the box office takings for that film (quite a good movie in it's own right, in my opinion). Animatrix: The Final Flight of the Osiris is highly recommended viewing for Matrix devotees, enthusiasts of computer animation and sci-fi fans in general.

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Ghosts of Mars (2001)

8/10

Much better than reviews would have you believe, especially if you are a sci-fi fan...

6 May 2003

Ghosts of Mars is a much maligned movie, passed off by most reviews as just another poor quality sci-fi flick. I have to disagree. First off, let me state that I am not a blind John Carpenter fan - while I do love some of his films (The Thing, Escape From New York), I loathed others (Vampires, Escape From LA)... I found Ghosts of Mars to be a solid sci-fi/action/horror movie. It hit the spot on all levels for me: brilliant sets and SFX, an interesting storyline and plot, good characters and great action sequences. Natasha Henstridge is very good in the lead role, and Ice Cube delivers his usual performance as a hardass gangsta (a space gangsta this time). I will admit, however, that is probably a movie pitched fairly heavily at genre (sci-fi, horror) fans. But, if you enjoy movies like Aliens, Pitch Black, Hellraiser or Predator, then you should get a real kick out of this one.

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Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

1/10

Tragic - an embarrassment to the name...

6 May 2003

When this movie opened at the cinema, it got some truly awful reviews. As an avid D&D player and fan, I took great offence. I thought it was the typical case of highbrow, arty-farty movie reviewers who hate everything that isn't a foreign art film not being able to appreciate a fantasy movie. And then I saw it. Every poor review had been correct - in fact, they had been downright generous. This film was destined to be an underground cult movie for D&D fans, but instead of writing it as such, it was written to have a "broader" appeal. It fails on all counts. The storyline was pathetic (an episode of Hercules or Xena would have more twists and nuances), all of the characters are just plain awful - with no personality or depth whatsoever, and even the special effects are terrible. The performance of Justin Whalin as Ridley Freeborn is especially painful. Even Thora Birch (whom I adore) delivers a poor performance; but then again, she isn't given much to work with. On a more geeky level, this movie didn't even resemble D&D (the role-playing game), it was just a generic fantasy film. Nothing which makes the game unique was faithfully represented in this movie. The scenes at the tavern and the thieves guild looked more like the Cantina scene from Star Wars than a glimpse into the established fantasy realms of D&D. If it didn't bear the name Dungeons & Dragons, and was released back in the same era that spawned such campy classics as Beastmaster, Sword and the Sorceror, and Hawk the Slayer, then I might have enjoyed it as a bit of harmless fluff. But to be the end result of the long awaited movie adaptation of the role-playing game, it failed miserably. The team that inflicted this monstrosity upon us should look to movies like Willow, Dragonslayer and Lord of the Rings, and then hang their heads in shame. I can't recommend this film on any level, except possibly as a kids movie, and even then I could think of about 100 better movies to recommend for children.

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Will & Grace (1998–2020)

Worst sitcom ever? It's a strong contender...

6 May 2003

Well, after having sat through a few excruciating episodes of this awful, awful show, I feel I need to comment. Will and Grace epitomises everything that is wrong with US sitcoms today. Firstly, how many jokes can centre around how camp the main character is? It is the same formula that drove Married With Children down the toilet: after the 10,000th joke about how uncleanly/stupid/poor Al Bundy is, you just stop laughing (or caring, for that matter). It's a shame really. I quite liked Debra Messing from Ned and Stacey (a much quirkier and funnier show in my opinion). Maybe Ned and Stacey seemed funnier because it only ran for a couple of series, and managed to stay relatively fresh. Another thing wrong with Will and Grace is Megan Mullally, quite possibly the most annoying, irritating and inherently unfunny female TV personality since Fran Drescher or Rosie O'Donnell. Will and Grace belongs in the same flush of the toilet as Suddenly Susan, Caroline in the City, Veronica's Closet and all the other "warm fuzzy" sitcoms that concentrate more on appealing to a niche audience than on actually being funny. Do yourself a favour; go watch a sitcom with a shred of intelligence (say, Frasier) instead.

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Vampires (1998)

3/10

So much potential - so bad...

6 May 2003

This one is a real mystery to me - one my favourite directors (John Carpenter), one of my favourite actors (James Woods) and one of my favourite subject matters (vampires). How could it be so bad? I went into this movie like a kid going into a candy store, and came out like a kid who's just had his toy collection smashed. The funny thing is I can't even pin down exactly what made it so poor... The plot seemed sound enough for the subject matter (a bunch of guys who kill vampires for a living), James Woods delivered an adequate performance, the visual effects were OK. But, as a whole, the movie stank. The dialogue was bad, the attempts at humour missed the mark, and none of the characters were very "real" or even interesting. The thing I find amusing is that this came out around the same time as Blade (1998), which is probably the greatest vampire action film ever. Don't watch this movie - go rent Blade, Dusk Till Dawn or Near Dark instead.

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Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

5/10

Could have been so much better.

5 May 2003

I was quite excited about this movie. It looked like a good, fun spoof of 50's classic horror movies like Them! and Monster from Green Hell. From the trailer, it even looked like the CGI effects were good. And to top it off, it featured Kari Wuhrer, one of my favourite TV actresses (from the series Sliders). But what can I say - sometimes even the best ingredients can produce a terrible movie. The creature CGI effects were third-rate, nearly all of the jokes fell flat, it was afflicted with extremely poor editing (obvious scene deletions which befuddle the flow of the movie), and all of the major characters were one dimensional. Arquette and Wuhrer obviously have no enthusiasm for the roles, and deliver lackluster performances. The side characters who are supposed to be quirky and engaging instead all just come off like annoying idiots. The best I could say for this movie is that it might be worth a watch on TV if you've really got nothing (and I mean nothing) else to do. Instead, go watch Tremors, The Mummy or Army of Darkness (Evil Dead 3) and see what a comedy take on horror movies should be like.

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Reign of Fire (2002)

9/10

Great fantasy/action movie!

5 May 2003

What can I say, two of my favourite genres meet - fantasy and war movies! I thought Reign of Fire was brilliant: great action, spectacular effects, a decent (if farfetched) plot, well realised characters and fantastic sets & scenery. The makers of this movie spent a lot of time researching various animals (snakes, bats etc.) to make their dragons more believable - and it shows. To me, this is the best vision of a dragon I have seen in any movie, even better than in Dragonlslayer or Dragonheart. Also, I found the post apocalyptic society presented in the movie very believable, complete with cultural references to the "before-time". I emapthised with the characters, and felt all in the movie did a very good acting job. One warning though: don't be misled by the trailers, this movie doesn't actually feature all that much "modern weaponry vs. dragons" action; it is a limited to a few short battles. The only other nit-pick I had was the solution our heroes come up with for the dragon problem - without giving too much away, I will say it was a pretty far stretch of the imagination to accept the facts presented which open the door for a final victory. All in all a very good movie, especially if you are a fan of dragons, or man vs. beast movies.

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The Salton Sea (2002)

8/10

Surpisingly good

5 May 2003

This one was a real surprise hit for me. A friend rented it from the video library, and none of us had even heard of it before. I was VERY dubious - my opinion of Val Kilmer's acting ability wasn't all that high (although I did enjoy him in Tombstone and Willow, for some reason his role in The Saint is his performance that is most indelibly etched on my brain). This proved to be a very pleasant surprise. Kilmer's performance was excellent, and the movie had a very interesting storyline. In most movies that have plot twists and "surprise endings" they are usually quite obvious if you are paying attention, but this movie caught me off guard, and pleasantly so. I had a small problem one aspect of the ending as being a little hard to swallow, but nothing I couldn't put aside. There are some great characters in this film, in particular "Pooh-Bear", a strung out drug lord who has lost his nose to excessive drug use. His methods of intimidation and interrogation are novel, to say the least! All in all a very good film, suspenseful and interesting, laced with some great humour and quite nasty violence. Normally, I really don't enjoy "drug" movies, but Salton Sea was great - I would even liken it to The Usual Suspects or True Romance. Well worth watching.

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The Order (2001)

1/10

"Worst movie ever" contender...

5 May 2003

Watching this film was the result of a lack of choice at the video library, as well as nostalgia for my younger days as an action movie junkie (I saw everything Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Dolph Lundgren ever put out). Anyway, no excuses, I should have known better. (The fact Van Damme is credited as one of the writers should have been warning enough). Truly one of the worst B-grade (if not C- or D- grade) action movies I have seen in years. A cliched plot, laughably unrealistic characters, sloppy action sequences and general all-around poor movie making combine to make this the dud film that it is. Also features some borderline racial stereotypes that made me cringe. The main bad guy is Brian Thompson (but you probably know him better as "meathead alien bounty hunter" from the X-Files), delivering a trademark mechanical performance. Maybe if this movie had been made in the eighties it could be excused as an example of the mediocre B-grade action flick of the time, but moviemakers now should know better. Possibly the only thing you'll get out of this movie is a good laugh at how bad it is, but I doubt it. Stay away - far, far away from this movie.

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Event Horizon (1997)

10/10

Best horror/sci-fi flick in years

5 May 2003

I really, really liked this film. It went straight into my all time top twenty as soon as I saw it. If you are a horror or sci-fi fan, this is a must see. To put it very simply, Event Horizon is a haunted-house movie, set on a spaceship. This description hardly does it justice though. Picture Hellraiser meets Alien, or Seven meets Pitch Black, and you've got a better idea. Some hardcore sci-fi fans might have a little trouble swallowing the supernatural/horror aspect of the film, though. Not a traditional sci-fi by most standards, leaning more towards horror with a futuristic space setting. On the flipside, horror fans who aren't into sci-fi should have no trouble getting into this movie despite it's setting. Astoundingly beautiful set design, very nice effects, a genuinely scary atmosphere, powerhouse performance by Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne and a solid story make this a film not to be missed. I am amazed at some of the poor reviews this movie got, particularly the number that included comments like `Where were the aliens?'. It really makes me think they missed the whole point but you can hardly expect a balanced review of a sci-fi or horror movie from some latte swilling pseudo-intellectual who does nothing but rave about foreign art films. No self-respecting horror or sci-fi fan should miss this movie.

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Bloodlust (1992)

6/10

So bad it's good, really...

5 May 2003

Let me start by saying this: if you go into this movie expecting the next Interview With the Vampire or Lost Boys, you're in for a HUGE disappointment. If, on the other hand, you are a fan of cheesy, low budget schlock films, this is the film for you. It is a little reminiscent of Peter Jackson's early efforts (Bad Taste & Brain Dead), and is of about the quality you would expect from a first year film student. I had the good fortune to see this movie at a rare screening during an alternative film festival in Melbourne. The cast is a who's who of Melbourne (Australia) pseudo-celebrities (particularly from local radio station RRR). As has been noted, the special effects (gore effects) are very cheap and nasty, but in a way that actually adds to them. The characters are comic-book like, totally unbelievable but pretty funny. The movie also features a pumping industrial soundtrack, with bands like Revolting Cocks, Lead Into Gold and 1000 Homo DJs. Coincidentally, all three of these bands are projects of industrial guru Al Jourgensen (Ministry). There is no denying the acting is terrible, but as far as I know, none of these people are professional actors. There are some very violent confrontations, some good toilet humour, and grossout scenes aplenty. If you can ignore the poor acting and low budget, and enjoy a good, violent schlock comedy, then you will like Bloodlust.

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Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)

1/10

Worst sequel ever - Highlander II: The Sickening

5 May 2003

Warning: Spoilers

Worst sequel ever, bar none. If you are a fan of the original Highlander (a great movie in my opinion), and for some reason haven't seen this yet, for pity's sake, don't! It will contaminate all the good memories you have from the first film. *SPOILER ALERT* (As if this piece of muck could be spoiled) This movie tells us the immortals from the first movie, steeped in mysticism and ritual, are actually...aliens. Yep. You heard me. For some reason these exiled aliens become immortals when on Earth (sounds like a pretty good exchange to me - exile for immortality). Sounds stupid? It is. No real reason is given for this ridiculous twist. Oh, and Sean Connery's character from the first movie (Juan Ramírez) manages to come back to life for a little while, to help Conner MacLeod. How? Magic...but didn't they just tell us these guys were aliens and not the mystical warriors we were led to believe in the first movie? Maybe they're magic aliens - that must be it. I actually saw this farce at the cinema, much to my chagrin. Have I mentioned that I am a big fan of the original Highlander movie? If any film ever made me wish we had the technology to selectively delete portions of our memories, this is the one. Avoid at all costs.

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Angel Cop (1989–1994)

Violent anime at it's best

5 May 2003

OK, this isn't exactly the thinking man's Manga, but a kickass, nonstop action romp nonetheless. A lot of people will criticise this movie for having a weak storyline, underdeveloped characters or whatever, but it has one thing in spades - violence! Head popping, limb wrenching, flesh burning violent action in all of it's glory. And isn't that the main reason why people watch these kind of Manga films? Also, the standard of the animation is very high, an essential requirement for any kind of animated feature in my book. An anime film could tell the greatest story since War and Peace, but, if it has the kind of animation that makes early Hanna Barbera cartoons look like masterpieces, I'll turn it off after about ten minutes. Anyway, the plot and storyline aren't as bad as many would have you believe, certainly not compared to the standard of most anime features. Maybe it wasn't surrealistic enough, perhaps some people would have been happier if it all turned out to be a metaphor, unveiling the mysteries of evolution and the spirituality of man. For me, this flick has it all - violent "cops on the edge", slowmo shootouts, vengeful cyborgs and psychotic superhuman killers. If there were a live action film that had all of this backed up with cutting edge effects, I'd go see it in a minute. Angel Cop is well worth watching for any fan of in-your-face, violent action anime.

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Ghost Ship (2002)

9/10

Much better than the reviews led me to believe...

4 May 2003

I just don't understand why this movie got so many bad reviews while it was at the box office. To me it was an excellent horror/suspense flick, with a good storyline, great visual effects and all-around good performances from the actors. It has plenty for the gorehounds (the opening sequence is one of the more gruesome I have seen since the lawyer is bisected in Thirteen Ghosts), as well as a quirky storyline to keep everyone else interested. I thought the flashback sequence where the villain(s) are revealed was particularly well done. If you are a fan of scary/horror movies, I recommend giving this one a watch. Another solid horror flick from the Dark Castle crew.

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Dog Soldiers (2002)

Nice low budget horror flick - but could have been a lot better with a few changes

4 May 2003

First of all I have to say I went in to this film with some high expectations: I had heard from friends overseas what a great "military meets horror" movie this was. I would probably have enjoyed it much more if I hadn't gone in with such high expectations. The blurbs on the front comparing it to Predator and Jaws are not altogether off the mark (particularly Predator - which incidentally is one of my all time favourites).

My main problem with this movie was that it couldn't decide whether it was an "serious" horror movie or a schlock-horror/comedy. If a few of the more cheesy scenes and pratfalls were edited out, this would have been one of the best horror movies I have seen in a long time. Also, some of the characters were fairly one dimensional, and could have been a lot more believable...

Well, enough negativity, now for the good points: Sean Pertwee is great, and plays a very believable and interesting character (Note: for those who don't know, he is the son of Jon Pertwee, the third actor to play the Doctor in the legendary British sci-fi series Doctor Who. Sean also appears in Event Horizon, albeit in a much smaller role, and delivers a good performance there, too). The premise of the storyline is also very good - military meets werewolves - and makes for some great horror and action sequences. I also found it very refreshing to see this type of film featuring British army and special forces, which gives it quite a different feel to U.S. based military flicks. The make up and visual effect are very good considering the budget, and the portrayal of the werewolves is very "realistic" and believable.

Well worth a watch if you like horror movies, or "army vs. monster" flicks, and definitely a must-see for any Predator fans.

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Rollerball (2002)

1/10

Worst movie ever? Possibly...

4 May 2003

Possibly the worst update/adaption of a classic movie ever. I cannot recommend that you avoid this movie strongly enough, especially if you liked the original. Not even the extreme sports buffs could get anything out of this terrible film. It epitomizes everything that is wrong with most action movies coming out of Hollywood today. Comically bad storyline, terrible dialogue (which, for the most part, is completely drowned out by the nu-metal soundtrack), and the most bizarre and overlong night-vision sequence ever, all combine to make this the worst movie I have rented in years. In fact, it was returned to my local video library containing a single post-it-note, compiled and agreed upon by the four that watched it - "Worst movie ever!".

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The Heist (2000 Video)

1/10

Truly awful...

4 May 2003

This movie is the perfect example where a decent plotline featuring good actors can be totally butchered by terrible scripting and bad dialogue. While the premise of a straight forward armoured car robbery and the subsequent battle for the spoils is (in my humble opinion) a solid storyline, the execution of the storyline in this movie is so bad as to be almost unwatchable. This is obviously a made-for-TV movie (the DVD features 4x3 format and stereo sound only, no widescreen or 5.1), but manages to fall short of even that benchmark. The characters are (for the most part) ridiculous, the dialog extremely corny, and the details of the storyline so bad they would appear to have been written by a ten year old. The thing that lured me to hire this piece of rubbish was the R rating - I was expecting some violent and graphic acts of carnage. But even the action sequences in this movie are poor - one notably featuring a bizarre looping of footage after someone is shot. Whether this was an editing glitch or a failed attempt to heighten the dramatic impact of the sequence is open for debate. In short, avoid this film like the proverbial plague. Do yourself a favour, and hire The Salton Sea instead.

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