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kurtastbury
Reviews
Willow: Children of the Wyrm (2023)
Why?
I was disappointed when the ending didn't pull back to a bunch of people sitting around a table playing a Willow themed RPG as it's the only explanation for the show choices that makes sense. I just plain don't like it. While there are some very cool looking effects (the magic), the story and characters are badly written. The pacing and tone of the format are wrong for a Willow based fantasy story. This show is everything that is wrong with modern entertainment. I'm not sure if I'll watch the rest (if they make more) until the show is over. Even then, much like the travesty that is Star Trek Discovery, maybe I should just stop and watch something good instead.
Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020)
Something new
The amount of love for Star Trek put into this show is easy to see. Almost every trope is highlighted and made funny. Boimler is a trek fan amalgamation and I don't recall seeing a character Mariner before but her backstory and motivations are interesting. All of the main characters are fun. There's more here than meets the eye, so please watch the whole first season before judging it.
The Storyteller (1987)
This show rocks
The stories are excellent and the execution is very special. It's timeless.
Alluda Majaaka! (1995)
Maybe the best movie ever!
Today's movie is Alluda Mazaka also known as Alluda Majaka and Alluda Mazaaka...! It would seem nobody knows exactly how to translate the title. It's an Indian gem from the mid 90s starring Chiranjeevi as Sitaramudu/Mr. Toyta. The movie is 161 minutes long! That's as long as Avatar. This is not a bad thing because the whole movie is awesome. It's like Michigan's Adventure it's twice the fun!
I've seen MANY movies in my day but never have I seen a movie that is so much fun to watch. There are literally too many good scenes to mention. I like the whole thing. Part of the reason why there are too many scenes to mention is the fact that this movie is LONG. And by long I mean longer than the run time of any of the original Star Wars movies. Normally a movie this long becomes oppressively boring after 10 minutes. That is not case with Alluda Mazaka. It starts you off with plenty of action and a few musical numbers. Then there is the infamous tractor fight scene which is too glorious for words. It is available on YouTube but I strongly recommend that you wait and watch the whole movie instead. In total there is something like 7-8 full scale musical numbers. All of which have hilarious choreography and unique locations. I'll summarize what this movie is like in one sentence. Picture the funniest action movie, the most overdone musical, and the silliest drama you've ever seen. Now combine the three into one film. That is Alluda Mazaka!
Part of why the reason why the story is so silly is the fact that someone is getting married like every 5 minutes. They're always "tying the auspicious thread." This leads to some very strange in-law relationships faster than you can say Sitaramudu! When people aren't getting married they're either having sex, framing each other, or killing each other. It's great fun. I especially like the part where Sitaramudu is sentenced to death so the whole village turns out at the court house. They came so that he could perform a ritual at a wedding where he breaks open a coconut. When the jailer tells them that he won't release Sitaramudu for the ritual the villagers start dousing themselves with gasoline and threaten to light themselves on fire! ALL FOR A DAMN COCONUT! That's what I call some dedicated friends.
If you only watch one movie that I recommend on this site. Watch this one. It's so amazing that it changes your perspective on movies forever.
Armageddon: The Final Challenge (1994)
The only challenge that this movie presents is actually watching all 85 minutes.
The final challenge my ass. The only challenge that this movie presents is actually watching all 85 minutes. I hate this movie. It's like going to someone's art class mid-semester only to find out that they're not even presenting their film that day. So you're stuck watching everyone else's boring artsy film ideas. Just when you think one of them is going to be good, they blow it.
Lets take a step back and analyze why I hate this movie.
1. It's completely boring. 2. All of the shots are dark, dingy, misty, and hard to make out. 3. The protagonist spends 5 minutes on screen trying to work out his bank problems! WTF? I'd watch Overdrawn at the Memory Bank with Raul Julia if I wanted to see that. 4. We don't really know much about the main character other than he is an idiot who picks up strange women and takes them home. Oh, and he also made the most important radio broadcast in history and then everyone forgot about him. 5. Uh
it sucks. 6. Vector graphics on 80's arcade games look better than the fully rendered CG in this movie. 7. The title doesn't fit the movie. It's Armageddon, I get it, but what is the final challenge? 8. I only made it 27 minutes in before I wanted to turn it off. 9. The background music for the movie reminds of being in a department store changing room. 10. All of a sudden you find out Jesus is coming to town like Santa Claus. 11. Apparently Christ's "vehicles" put out so much energy that they are going to destroy the orbiting refineries? 12. You can see the light bulbs in the engines of the model space ships. 13. The villain is some completely psycho nut job who, when presented with the opportunity to kill the main character and end the movie once and for all, goes skipping off in the rain instead singing "It's raining it's pouring. The old man is snoring. Went to bed. Bumped his head. Couldn't get up in the morning." He is blissfully aware that the governor will kill him if he doesn't succeed but apparently he just doesn't care. 14. It doesn't have as much zing as the worst episode of Rescue 911 with William Shatner. 15. There are extended scenes of people just standing around looking at things. 16. It features completely nonsensical dialog. For example. "Gujiana City: Deformed offspring of quasi-religious quibblings, thermonuclear fireball design, achieved at ruinous cost." WTF is that supposed to mean?
All in all, watching this movie is like listening as a friend describes the opus of sensations they feel while holding a lonely blade of grass. Only, it makes less sense than that. Why was this made? Why do things like this have to exist? Why did I watch it? Did you know that I was the 14th person, EVER, to rate this movie on IMDb? It's been out for 16 years! Does that tell you everything you need to know?
Never watch this movie. Not that you'll be able to find it. So, I guess in that respect, don't worry about it. Have a nice day.
Prototype (1992)
The worst movie in existence
I honestly believe this is the worst movie I've ever seen. I am a B movie activist but this is the worst ever. Do not watch under penalty of law. You have been warned!
Here are the questions you should ask yourself / points of interest for this movie.
1. What happened to the cities and society that made the world this bad? They never tell you. 2. They never explain that Hawkins Coselow is Chandra Kerkorian's lover. They only way you would ever discover this is if you read the box. 3. From the box. "The experiment goes out of control and the prototype goes hunting for Chandra whom he is programmed to kill." If he is programmed to kill Chandra why would the experiment be going out of control when he begins to hunt her? 4. The explosive climax they promise on the box never happens ... why you ask? The prototypes were only made for one reason, to kill the omegas. Chandra is the last omega. Where does mankind's existence hang in the balance?
Here is my personal title for this movie which is much more appropriate.
HAWKINS GETS NEW LEGS