Reviews

How can a show fail based ont the epic topic Templar Knighs - well this is the Holy Grail of fails. Down to the details that a genius could not pinpoint and not in a hilarious way but in a recipy to insomnia way that make you outburst "Jesus Christ"... SPOILERS A/ In a religious time period people openly claim not believing in God TO THE POPES FACE!!! (No trouble with that erhhh?) B/ Any given character is supposed to be clever and cunning based on behaving like they are complete morons and having response OHHH YOUR SO SMART! This continously repeats infinity with each and every actor through out the show. If they can do something completely wrong based on topic, social structure, agenda/goul and you name it - they do so asswards and proudly so in others eyes that widens amazed over the "clevernesses" presented to them. C/ Unlikeable characters throughout, worse even is that they do not support the story, their counter roles, and in fact manage to do so in a totally unbelievable artificial way. Applicable to every character and I can list example on each role. LANDRY - best friends with Gawain whom saves his life gaining handicap. Landry blurts out that Gawain is finished without compromise and in the same sentence clearly underlines that Knighthood status internally is about the same status as a dishwasher in a pizzeria. GODFREY - Grand Master of the Knight Templar and Ultimate Badass. In the following dialogue successor Landry literally refers "Parsifal the Stable Boy that helped Godfrey"... That piece of dialogue alone not equals but literally claims that the best Knight Templar ever sucks so bad that a literal moron stableboy teenager is better and in fact almost save a templar because they suck beyond comprehension! I mean how bad does the underling templars suck in the same context? Woo Ta Feeek? PARSIFAL - Above mentioned stableboy is worth mentioning as he is on a mental age of a 2-3 year old at obstinate age. Set on revenge he storms around cry-screaming fumbling everything up in an outright incredible presentation of a whining empty mind rivaling the feelings Jar-jar spreads in our hearts and minds. You WILL go "Wont somebody for the love of G put a sword through this manchild and end him while we still can swallow back down what floats up our mouths during his display" D/ TEMPLARS How do we build up the training warrior monks to epic Rocky/Karate Kid whatever proportions? YES the way to go is probably to round up a bunch of half fat surfer dudes that stands in a circle chilling BECAUSE THATS WHAT TEMPLARS DID IN TRAINING..... whomever the genius thinktank included on this script should enter it in the best Screenplay of the Special Screenplay Olympics. I put my money on this show any day! E/ EVERYTHING is wrong Historically Dramatically Characterally well in any way imagineably that you can analyze a show in basically (And then some) F/ If a hijacked schoolbus crashed through the cardboard props and flattened the entire production rendering the scene completely inanematly frozen how would we even know for several episodes of yawns that we should stop watching if nobody hits the stop button on the VHS camera this is shot with?

Next time anybody gets the bright idea to write a templar knight screenplay I suggest googling knight templars 5-10 mins at least. And woe even reading something on paper pages, even a comic book would explain a sh..load Hal Fosters "Prins Valiant" 1937 François Craenhals "Le prince noir" 1970 "Black Prince"? "Le Loups de Rougecogne "Wolves of Bastogne"? Or books (The ones that when you crack them open display printed LETTERS making out WORDS on paper.) "Arn - Knight Templar" by Jan Guillou Just google the topic before you desecrate the backside of a postage stamp with an entire 26 episode Knightfall screenplay next time.

The people involved in the development of Knightfart shold have an injunction of trading prohibition act. My english sux but a ban against getting closer than a 100 yards from any production, television set or anything to do with holding a crayon or whatever this was written with. They even failed to make this turkey funny which is a feat in itself, youll get more joy out of prozac, seriously mates!

G/ THE ACTORS... actually the actors are good, doing their best with the material they where handed apparantly straight out of the latrines. My heart goes out to you guys and there is no joke in this. You are all amazingly gifted but how this mess brought so much talent makes me flabbergasted. There is no doubt in my mind that if you torch the screenplay and go AD LIB we would be so much better off because the laws of the universe rules you can only go up from here.

H/ Costumes Makeup F/X - Actually same as G/ Good, great even. My heart equally goes out to you guys exemplary efforts ending up in the mindless talentless hands putting this show together.

First of all I want to know if they forged Joss Whedons name on this?

Embarrassing lack of logic, for instance did you know that fat people cannot spell on computers! Explanation, in s01e04 actor Pascale Armand has an electronic eye and gets badly spelled messages. Leader Coulson (Clarg Gregg)geniously draws the conclusion that the typist is fat and clumsy, Pascale immediately cheers in of course what a brilliant conclusion. Besides managing being both stupid and offensive at once, it follows the logic of downs syndrome detectives. Pretty much each conclusion follows this "logic".

What is up with the casting, one example, the genius duo are about age 7 years old. Their only real asset is a annihilating lack of credibility. For instance they make some bogus pistol build in fore-mentioned episode and cannot tell the slidelock and safety apart and mis-build a pistol. I will not even get in to the stupidities of this, besides why put 8 million dollars copying and building a pistol when you can get a better on the street corner for 5 bucks, and the mechanics of a pistol would make it impossible to cross mistake these two parts. As a joke it is a ultimate flatline, does score high on the embarrassing scale though.

It does follow certain patterns though, whenever a character is presented with a character treat, it always start by showing the quit opposite - incompetence and then some. Take anyone, like "the cavalry" presented as the ultimate uber kickass reigns death over huge armies singlehandedly. First episode she gets backhand-slapped and falls asleep. Presentation contra facts - she obviously couldn't manage against a newborn in combat.

Are they trying to be funny? Nah I don't think so...

Most of this show is embarrassing, it is even worse when you see that some actors probably are competent in most other circumstances.

I will end with one last question, can anyone on this planet tell me why they hauled Chloe "Skye" Bennets ass onboard? She is said to be a computer genius, but what does she contribute really? Would anyone ever noticed if they cut her out of the series and painted a face on a shoebox and addressed it instead? I give that she has some presence in the moment, but presented as the shows "main character" and some kind of infiltrator traitor you kinda loose the obvious identify with the main character thingy. Although there is no real main character storyline so that doesn't really work either...

How can shows loke firefly and others great shows get cancelled and total flatlines as this get made instead?

Shame on you Joss Whedon

With an open mind and nil expectations it comes out on the minus scale, like antarctic minus degrees scale! What a turd! (And I'm being kind now) 20 minutes nothing followed by an hour of dung...

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Whats up with there being weapons in the background, like clearly an big-ass Axe in the tunnel and so forth, and NOBODY picks up a weapon?!?

These dumb-asses deserve to die, but I don't understand what is supposed to make us interested in watch it?!? I really don't have a clue?!?

Did some looser planning his wedding write this sheit? Really? I do not see a single thing that makes you feel or hope with anybody in this ... sorry but I lack words.

I am actually angry loosing the time watching this and I have a collection of more than 1000 zombie movies ranging from low to high budget. Even made better zombie movies myself with zero budget and I'm no talent!

Christ...

Despite containing several competent actors (Like Brian Cox, Jason Flemyng, Paul Giamatti, Charles Dance, Bree Condon) this movie is still an epic fail. Storywise it is "let's hold some boring castle despite being ridiciously undermanned". Besides this you basically have monotone pc made blood squirts that you not see much of as... The photography is apparently shot by an visually impaired epileptic Parkinson's intern stumbling down a never ending staircase. It is so bad that even if you pause screen you won't make out much more than it has computer made blood f/x they try to shake.

Even though the assemble attempts to deliver they never get a break as nothing particularly interesting seems to have been written in the screenplay. Also I have the feeling that Ironsleep was miscast despite qualified actors. I really like Giamatti but despite being one of the more interesting characters he in paradox seems misplaced, further they have a beautiful girl that not puts you to sleep (Bree Condom) that is of more interest than the not so interesting lead lady.

Surroundings are also noteworthy, the sterile computer rendered "castle"?!? is without comparison the most boring castle setting I have ever seen on the big screen. It clearly is an unfinished canvas as they did not even bother put in a single interesting detail in there. (Seems people lives there by gnawing on the poorly rendered stone-walls as there is virtually nothing, and I mean NOTHING, else present except some mud.

Speaking of minimalism, what is up with the defenders running miles with some small coffecups?!? of hot oil and flickin it over the walls on the aggressors. Is this some early attempt of oil-massaging hair-bottoms?!? Why do they boil oil as far as human possibly away from where they need to use it quickly? These silly details are unfortunately integrated thoroughly throughout the entire sleeping pill.

If you get the green lights to make a movie, and you get competent actors and sufficient funds. Why not get a GOOD script, a photographer above age 3 and an editor that does not edit 5000 cuts/sec?!?

The most depressing part is that we have all seen 500 worse post-lotr medieval attempts.

My recommendation is press stop, eject and fast forward to the battle at helms deep. Or if you're in to siege's, insert The Warlord, Flesh + Blood, Feast, Zulu, Demon Knight, Night Of The Living Dead, Assault on precinct 13, Birds or whatever sieges you on mates...

Hope this saves you from insomnia and acute indifference mates

With such a list of stars, what happened with the ending, did they get tired or what? Are we meant to laugh out loud at the comical ending?

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS I mean... Our copkiller chills out at home pouring out gallons of flammable fluids, the entire town enters house without anybody noticing the flammables?!? Pushes the victim forward to crazed killer, I mean - what is this?!? Going from a disturbing experience everybody bursted out in laughter! I dunno what to say, this was a hilarious ending not adding, but subtracting the overall score to 1 (awful) point at most.

I've seen many people warning from wasting hour and minutes of your life on certain titles, this is it though, take a siesta instead.

Probably the best anime zombie show that I have seen so far. Has some new and interesting turns that makes you feel more involved. Although I don't get the shaking boobs and upskirt crap, feels this is an to good series to bounce it away with those elements that quite frankly distance you more than engages you. (As they are so out of place, pherhaps funny at first but... same old, same old repetition)

Just caught part 4, and it sure took some elements to new heights. First a resume and pre-cred that lasted 10 mins out of 25, and the last 5 was creds and commercial for the next episode. SPOILERS So to sum it up you got to see them gas up their motorbike, thats it!

Wuzz up with that? Is this a 9 minute episodes that the drag out x4 with summary of the previous episodes, and with TV-commercials... well you don't feel happy when you watch somebody fill up gas for half an hour... Began promising, but episode 4 really shocked me by sucking so bad.

Anyways, if you have have a remote with fast forward you should enjoy the 9-10 mins of actual show.

There are very few times I am left speechless, this is one of these moments. If there was an Oscar category for worst remake this would wipe out all competition, probably of all times. C Thomas Howell's 2008 remake "The Day the Earth Stopped" was really, really awful without any exaggeration - the acting in his version is miles way better than this version, it is simply unbelievable.

Hollywood seems set on not making films alike anymore, now they make films that already are made, and this really puts this decision in question.

There are so much to complain about in this remake, in fact I cannot think of a single thing that is good about it. And I really like the actors, otherwise, but this... I am stunned, speechless.

It makes Ang Lee's "The Hulk" look like a masterpiece...

Pardon the french, but what a turd...

Avoid at all cost (I cannot believe it was possible to give this advice for a film starring Jennifer "Phenomena/Rocketeer"Requiem for a dream" Connelly... but please avoid - it might put your otherwise well-deserved reverence at doubt.

I would actually pay money to have UNSEEN this movie! *I am dead serious*

/Choose death before viewing...

This epic is a real turkey if I've ever seen one. CONTAINS SPOILERS! Apparently there is a misunderstanding that this film is bias, but it is certainly not. It more or less makes everybody look like morons. In the light of the Olympic Games topic the comparison that comes to mind is the picture spread all over internet depicting a sprinter with downs syndrome ripping the finishing ribbon pared with the text "Running in the special Olympics, even if you win you're still retarded." This pretty much sums this dilemma up. "Munchen" begins with the aspect of introducing us to a team of senior citizens supposed to be Olympic athletes. From there it goes downhill like a never ending landslide. (Appropriate title would be "Never Ending Story 2")

Analyzing the main characters is to painful: A beautiful leader (probably voted Americas sexiest man post-Troy) and obsessive kitchen chef/ future family father, a likable old geezer smoking pipe, a stupid blond girl that not even got her sex right (a male broiler but you catch the drift), an even older and lamer baldy, and of course a cute toy maker to emphasize the hardness of this compound.

As the masterminds they are, plan the perfect hits and act them out in Stanley & Laurel style. 1/ Planting a fat bomb in a mattress which the selected member of the team observes with his empty head pressed against the wall to this very volatile room. Brilliant secret signal is "turning off the light" thus retarded partners will response by triggering the bomb... What a surprise... the bomb has some unexpected explosive reaction when it explodes! The retard in the room next door almost buys the farm. *gosh* And the signal, a thought, What about power failure, lamp accident or something? Even if their outpost had one chromosome to many provided I am certain he would still have blinked the lamp to avoid any misinterpretations, and definitely not stand drooling three yards away from the explosion center.

Team is further hilarious, like when a bomb misfires one of these supposedly best trained secret service agents in the world goes bald geezer cowboy attacking the hotel and major team of terrorists with a hand grenade. The thought to drive away calmly and regroup professionally for a new attempt never crosses his fatigue mind.

My personal favorite must be when the get their hands on a sniper rifle. In order to use the sniper rifle they literally enter the very lawn of their victim reaching a distance possible to show the barrel up Mr. Salamis bunghole. Pressing faces against the window providing a really clever use for sniper rifle, fumbling in ordinary manor a 14 year (?) old guard literally walks up their behinds and surprises sniper and blond outlook. Then everybody goes Stanley & Laurel-style amok.

Some hilarious moments really lifts the movie to unsurpassed heights. Like these "professionals" could not even find their own bungholes without an expensive map obtained from the almighty Frenchman.

The same arranges a safe house in which suddenly the colleagues from the other side show up. I think they lie mumbling they are Black African freedom Fighters or something amusing. Following discussion with bad guy who has no clue whatsoever that something is wrong when Banadinovich promotes Jews positive. So much for this meeting between ravaging minds.

Spielberg sets a prime example in bad taste when he chooses to tie together the human aspects of this international tragedy through Erik Bana's pecker. Becoming increasingly incoherent as Bana pork's away on his chick getting flashbacks from moments he personally never experienced. (Clearly a flashback, not inspired editing) Did they not have time to shoot experienced flashbacks? (Inserting a Donald Duck episode that he actually had seen would have be more logic.)

I have no problem reading the subtext in Munchen, however I found it very boring. The only way to get excited is if you have a direct involvement. (Like being the two surviving terrorists) It would be plausible to guess that the average attention reaction is narcoleptic. Further, political forces probably sit at home laughing their asses off when Spielberg set the world opinion to sleep. The length lies directly in proportion to the boredom factor. I can not see the motivation for the lengthy experience other than guessing that very long movies does better at the Oscars or something? Of course when the story is in cardiac stagnation you could enjoy the competent scenery and attributes. Munchen is simply not what you reasonable could expect from the poster names.

While I mention the actors I had very high hopes on a certain pipe smoking favorite actor and further the promising actor that tries to smack Brad Pitt on the head when he walks around in Troy like a beach surfer imitating jump strikes from the "Fist of fury" arcade game without variation. The latter (Eric Banadinovich) characters development to dark paranoia is perfectly plausible, so why don't I buy it? In my eyes it feels plastic, fake and fatigue, I am certain that this will get more than one Oscar. Acting is not satisfactory, compare Jake Gyllenhaal & Heath Ledger's cow-gay performance comes across natural, Banadinovich run around in an emotional storm not even capable of capping an insect. Not unjust criticism, sadly pure facts.

Nice moments: First terrorist mastermind, old man shopping milk returning to his nice old style Italian apartment. The old man shows real feelings and the awkwardness of the killers setting emotions in work. Unfortunately counter reactions hits us like ricochets. First question the professionalism of our protagonists, The second is the following repetition of each and every following hit. In fact it makes the plot circumstance for the second strongest scene: Second encounter with the female hit-girl.

Anyway this post will probably be censured like everything else that is not positively reviewed in IMDb.