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Windywoo
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Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)
Empty special effects
There is one interesting character arc in this whole two and a half hour long film. It feels like the story is being told by a hyperactive five year old who doesn't use paragraphs and rolls all their sentences together.
Star Lord is the least interesting of all the Guardians, but he's played by the biggest star so he has to be given a lot of screen time.
Celebrity cameos and wisecracks could also have been cut to add some urgency to this bloated snooze fest.
The film rolls from one special effect to the next without a feeling that anything of significance has happened, since the characters attitudes barely change. There's the usual super hero lack of consequences as characters seemingly take huge blows and they're right as rain in the next sequence.
The villain is wasted amidst all this. He never seems like a huge threat to our invincible, quipping heroes.
The saving grace is one storyline.
Joker (2019)
Shallow trash.
There is nothing that makes this a movie about a super villain. He isn't a criminal mastermind and there is nothing in this movie to make it fantastical enough that you would believe Batman could exist.
That leaves a 2 hour film about a guy with mental health issues, delivered with a subtlety that would put Michael Bay to shame.
This film pounds you with its message or lack thereof like Batman smacking Joker's head off a desk.
Pitiful.
The Predator (2018)
Dumb as a bag of bricks.
There is a tiny shred of plot here hidden amongst boring fights and brain cell killing dialogue. Is anyone supposed to identify with these characters?
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
More rubbish (Contains minor spoiler)
I went in expecting perhaps some improvement on the first but no such luck. I expected to see more of the Transformers, well numerically, yes we do, but in screen time its roughly the same amount. Perhaps the Transformers are on screen more often in this sequel, but in such a manner that they don't add to the story or plot, or action, so to my mind there was no improvement. The Fallen of the title is wasted as a device to bring a sense of danger. He is in two scenes, the large part of this movie concerning itself with Shia LeBouf and his bumbling human (and Transformer) pals. Optimus Prime is wasted, leaving the action early and coming back at the end for a brief turn.
What little plot there is is stretched thinly, padded out with jokes about dogs humping other dogs and Transformers humping human legs. Characters appear at random serving little purpose to further the story, being there simply because Michael Bay thought "Hey this would look cool".
The whole movie is an example of what can happen when a director ignores characters and story in favour of "Hey this would look cool". Any emotion you may have felt towards Sam is drowned out by the soundtrack or cheesy slow motion. Megan Fox character is once again there just to look pretty, and unfortunately, lots of people will fall for that.
So if you value story, memorable dialogue and don't want to have a frontal lobotomy to enjoy a film, don't even bother with Transformers 2. I sat through all of it hoping it would get better and it didn't.
Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers (2006)
Shameless rip off
This title doesn't bother to come up with its own ideas, it just steals them all from one of the best horror movies of all time and adds a bit more sex. Most movies take ideas from other films, but not 3/4 of a superior film to which they will be compared unfavourably.
Acting and special effects are as to be expected of a low budget production, but while those can be forgiven, the lack of any originality can't. I'm sorry there was one original idea but it was so laughable it barely counts. A blind exorcist in sunglasses that make him look more like a biker than a priest. "Yeah I'm a bad ass priest, not like those other little pussy priests who couldn't drive a demon out of a wet paper bag."
Transformers (2007)
Dumb
Typical Michael Bay movie but even more dumbed down than usual.
Is it too much to ask that the camera stay still for more than 5 seconds so we might learn something about the plot or characters? Similarly the score is always over the top, blaring and insulting to your intelligence. Any time anything happens we get blasted by music as if the movie is saying "look how cool this is" even though its just a scene with a dog pissing on a transformer's foot.
Even the special effects are wasted because the camera doesn't sit still long enough for you to appreciate the detail.
Please for the love of God do not go and see this in the cinema because if you do they will think its successful and make a sequel.
Watch the animated movie instead it has 10 times the depth of this.
Ultraviolet (2006)
Very underrated.
Why does everyone hate this movie? The action and special effects are better than most of the movies on this site that have well over the 3.8 stars this has, and it shows waaaaaayyyy more imagination and style than 90% of what Hollywood has to offer these days.
No more light on characters than for instance 300 which gets rave reviews (I do love 300 btw) and while the script isn't amazing it has some killer lines and is at least not in the realms of Titanic. In fact there are things I love about the script for instance the turns of phrase that the characters use that show they are from a time and culture that is very alien to us. And the fact that Violet talks to the Chinese gang members in their own language instead of making them talk English as they would if this was just another dumb Hollywood film.
The featured review for this movie seems to have been written by a 9 year old with allusions to being 14. In fact I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that most people are too stupid to understand Ultraviolet, in the same way no-one liked the Matrix sequels because they couldn't understand the dialogue in that.
Serenity (2005)
Pretty much all you could want from their big screen outing.
I've just seen this film at its World Premier in Edinburgh so does that make me the first person to see the final version and post a comment? Hope so.
Anyway, if you are a fan of the series I don't think you are going to be disappointed by this. The cancellation left so many plot points and characters undeveloped and, while there are still mysteries, a lot of untapped stuff is brought out on the big screen to dazzling effect.
River in particular is used brilliantly and is pretty much the centre of the story, which makes up for her under use in the series. A previously unresolved romance also comes to fruition in this film, bringing romance AND comedy at the same time.
Also this is being the crew's possibly last chance at getting any screen time, they are given a suitably tough challenge to face and end up sandwiched between their two biggest foes. Thats right Reavers make an appearance after being only hinted at for so long in the TV series. This made me dead chuffed.
Why doesn't this get 10? Because good as it is, not all characters really get enough to do. This of course is an almost impossible thing to achieve within the time frame, but non-fans of the series may well wonder why all the people are there.
About the premier, the cast was there (except Wash, dunno why he wasn't there) along with Joss Whedon and the producer. The fan questions were suitably geeky, highlights being Joss Whedon being asked to do his dance of joy from Angel (he turned down pleeing knee surgery but Nathan Fillion obliged. Then there was a singalong of the theme tune (left out of the film but I didn't care because I didn't like it). Each crew member had to give their favourite moment from the film and their taste probably was spot on, picking the highlights of the film.
Recommended for fans and for non-fans too, although I think if you don't like Sci Fi in any form this will not convert you :)