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Reviews
Crazy Girls Undercover (2008)
I hope the director got some action...because the audience certainly didn't!
This is one of those train-wreck type of pictures: a tragic and major waste of money and talent, yet you just can't turn your eyes away for fear of missing something unintentionally funny. Apparently written by the guy who runs the Crazy Girls show in Las Vegas, this crazy stretch of celluloid never figures out what it wants to be; a spy film, a comedy or an erotic thriller. In the end, it's none of the above! Instead, you might call it an extended commercial for the Riviera Hotel, whose beckoning glitzy exterior is seen no less than twenty five times during the picture's 85 minute running time.
Even Leonard Maltin might have a bit of trouble summing up the plot of Crazy Girls Undercover. As far as I could tell, an international super spy is after a bad guy for killing his wife and baby daughter. To do this, he inexplicably sets himself up as the owner of the Crazy Girls Review in Vegas. His sexy troupe of hotties are not only dancers, but well-trained desert fighters as well. When they're not stripping on stage, they're either cat-fighting in the make-up room or super-sleuthing one floor below in the hidden super-spy command center(they get there by stepping into a closet).
There's another bad guy who, despite his incessant desire to play high stakes poker in a Vegas hotel suite, still wants to blow up a toxic bomb on the strip. I may have missed the reason why, but the disaster is averted and the villain's private jet is blown out of the sky with some Playstation 2-style CGI.
In the end, the super-spy finally faces off against the nasty guy who killed his family. But just before they tangle, some busty babe shows up and kills the creep before the hero has a chance to fight him; thus saving the audience from having to endure an action-filled climactic battle.
So to sum up, lots of hot chicks but little nudity, lots of talk but little plot. Lots of money spent, hardly anything to show for it.
Komodo vs. Cobra (2005)
Komodo Vs. Cobra - The Fight is On!
"When a top secret island research facility goes dark, a crack team of commandos is sent to investigate. Once there, they are shocked to find that giant Komodos and Cobras live on this island and they're really hungry. Now with the deck stacked against them, and nearly no hope for survival, the team is locked in a battle of survival with two of nature's most formidable predators." Also on the island - big-breasted women and Michael Pare! Komodo vs. Cobra is the highly anticipated movie smackdown that will answer the age old question: who would win in an apocalyptic battle between a giant Komodo dragon and a giant cobra? Oh, yes, and there are big-breasted women and Michael Pare running around trying not to get caught in the crossfire.
Enormous reptiles? Big breasted women? Michael Pare? This has got to be a Jim Wynorski film. Hold on. Let me check IMDb just to make sure. Let's see...
IT IS!!! Oh, who am I kidding? I already knew KvC was a Jim Wynorski film, although I wasn't aware that the movie co-starred rising scream queen Michelle Borth and reality show banshee Jerri Manthey.
And as hard as it might be to believe this, it isn't meant to be a sequel to his recent giant Komodo dragon flick Curse of the Komodo, although I'm sure it was the inspiration as well as an ominous measuring stick of KvC's potential quality.
Lust Connection (2005)
Surprisingly Good and What a Hot Cast!
Before I wrote this review, I had to figure out a quick math problem. I remembered writing in my review for Vamps 2: Blood Sisters about the TWO big reasons I liked Glori-Anne Gilbert's performance. But I enjoyed her performance twice as much in Lust Connection, and I couldn't figure out why. I finally realized why there was a discrepancy. Ms. Gilbert plays two different characters in Lust Connection, and both of them get naked a lot. So I actually had FOUR big reasons to smile. Problem solved.
I don't always enjoy erotic thrillers. Most of the time they leave me disappointed. There's too much focus on the erotic scenes, and not enough on the actual "thriller" part of the story. I was somewhat shocked when Lust Connection actually delivered a watchable story to accompany the eroticism! Lust Connection is all about Rick Taylor, an internet millionaire whose incredibly hot wife Susan (Glori Anne Gilbert with blonde hair) is found dead in a hot tub. When he becomes the prime suspect in the murder case, he confesses to the detective that he had been having affairs with women he met on the internet. Rick has a series of flashbacks to these various encounters, trying to find the woman who might have murdered his wife. Susan's twin sister, Jenny (Gilbert again with dark hair), shows up to offer support to Rick.
More than anything, this story is about Rick Taylor being the luckiest man alive. Not only does he find plenty of women on the internet willing to meet him for illicit sex, but they are all knockouts! One of them is played by porn superstar Chasey Lain, who is the subject of my favorite song by The Bloodhound Gang.
Most of the time these erotic thrillers have to settle for whatever skank actresses they can find to take their clothes off. But the producers of Lust Connection found some mighty fine women for this scorch-fest.
Seduction Cinema is releasing three more movies from the director of Lust Connection later this year. I'm really looking forward to the one titled The House on Hooter Hill. I'm ready to give that one five stars simply for the title alone.
Don't bother adding Lust Connection to your Netflix queue. Go ahead and buy it. You won't be disappointed as it stands up to repeat viewings, if you get my drift.
Survivors Exposed (2001)
A blatant rip off of the Bare Wench series.
After the success of the The Bare Wench Project and Bare Wench Project 2 comes Survivor Exposed. They hired a few of the same girls, brought in the "Lunk" character under a different name, and even hired the same cameraman. You'd think they'd have a hit, right? Wrong! The fun, pace and laughs from the Bare Wench movies is completely missing from this tepid little outing. Too much talk, not enough action; and a pace that will leave your finger permanently depressed on the fast-forward button for the entire running time. If you want a good, erotic Survivor satire, try TREASURE HUNT. It's from the same people who brought you Bare Wench, and is a thousand times funnier and sexier than this loser.
Strap-On Adventure (1997)
Julie and Lorissa do it hard, but who cares???
This is one of the dullest sex movies ever produced. Yes, it features two of the hottest 'scream queens' doing what they've never done before; but the production values and sex scenes are just about as dull as dishwater. The cameraman/producer shot this little outing with a shaky camcorder in an unlit bedroom room without any thought to angles or making the girls look marginally pretty. Like he's suffering from a mild case of Palsey, his rambling hand-held lens shakes uncontrollably as he takes aim on Lorissa's genitals and just stays there for minutes at a clip. No cut-aways, no interesting shots; just one nausea-inducing picture that hardly ever remains still enough to give the audience a good look.
And both Lorissa McComas and Julie K. Smith appear like they'd prefer to be anywhere else. So don't waste your time. This one's an all out loser.
Pamela: The Re-enactment (1997)
Busty Blonde Julie K. Goes All the Way!
The production values are bottom of the barrel, the lighting is harsh, the music probably in violation of copyright; but blonde bodacious Julie K. Smith(from films like Return to Savage Beach and Bare Wench Project) delivers the goods in spades here for fans who've been anxious and waiting to see her famed oral techniques. And fantastic they are, as you'll see if you can locate one of the many bootlegs going around on this title. Photographed in an erratic manner by the same guy she's doing, Julie spends the majority of this 45 minute tape showing us her impression of a 'human vacuum."
The rumor is that Julie did this "performance' thinking only one high-roller video nut would ever see it. Silly girl!!
If you came for plot or atmosphere , this blurry home video will surely disappoint. If you came to see this slinky, silicone-loving beauty doing what she obviously does best, you will be most delighted. And, from what can be ascertained, this title is only the tip of the iceberg. Way to go, Julie!
Busty Cops (2004)
A Super Soft-Core Cop Comedy
What could have been just another soft-core excursion into R-rated erotica is in actuality an hilarious sexy comedy. Starring Internet babes like Nikki Nova, Sunny Leone, Deanna Merryman, Angela Little and even super hot adult porn star Jesse Jane, BUSTY COPS is chock full of funny jokes, hilarious skits and knockout naked ladies. The chocolate syrup scene is worth the price of admission alone. And check out the Dali Llama moment. Believe me, this is unlike any other flick of this type. You'll be laughing one moment, then getting hot flashes the next. Debut director Harold Blueberry has made an instant classic. Let's hope he keeps them coming. Can BUSTY COPS 2 be far behind.
Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood (2004)
A Vampire Flick with Bite
The title here promises a lot, and thanks to the presence of sexy star Glori-Anne Gilbert - it most certainly delivers. Fans that have seen the delectable Ms. Gilbert in films like TREASURE HUNT and CURSE OF THE KOMODO, can now see her darker side as she portrays the sinister seductive neck-biting Countess. Yes there's abundant nudity, but what really makes the show is how Glori-Anne turns what could have been a rather one-note role into a tour de force performance. Not since Ingrid Pitt, in the classic Hammer Film THE VAMPIRE LOVERS, has there been such a multi-dimensional vampiress on the screen. It's amazing to think how this upcoming star will do with future turns in even bigger, more mainstream films. Truly, if you're a fan of this lovely lady, this is a must-have DVD. Check it out!
Flyin' Ryan (2003)
Great entertainment for the small fry
A delightful and insightful film that will enthrall children of all ages. I watched this wonderful flick with my daughter Hayley and she couldn't look away or stop giggling. I've lost count of how many times she re-watched the dvd since we first brought it home. Rarely does a small independent film touch the heart as well as FLYIN RYAN. Set in a small town filled with great kids and funny animals, the fantastic story is almost universal and will engage even the youngest of viewers. And it's so rare to find a children's movie that doesn't speak down to them or cater to baser interests with off-color jokes. I totally recomend this beautiful warm-hearted picture to everyone and their families.