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The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)
Wonderful fan service with lots of heart.
An extremely difficult movie to rate, the appeal to Mario fans, uninitiated kids and adults could vary wildly.
The opening act is packed full of Easter eggs for the fans, some subtle, some glaring but all well received. I chuckled out loud at many of them and smiled to myself throughout.
The second act ramps up further, adds more larger than life characters and locations that are all superbly handled.
The final act is more predictable, and follows a tried and tested kids film formula but it keeps pace with what's gone before.
Lots of eye candy for little ones and it looks captivating on the big screen.
The entire film is absolutely charming, beautifully made with lots of heart.
Some plot points hinge on a knowledge of Mario lore that could confuse some and could lower the rating.
As a Mario fan it's a solid 7 all day.
The Ward (2010)
Weak, cliche psyche ward story with cheap jump scares
Set in the worlds hottest psychiatric ward.
All of its very few (hmmmm) inhabitants are plucked and preened as if on the red carpet for the Oscars which completely breaks any sense of reality or the period in which the film is set.
You could argue that they were all imaginary but these details make a difference.
The characters are purposely obvious and way too on the nose, it's clear where the plot is heading from early on.
Every scene feels as if it's from another movie with pretty much nothing Carpenter-esque on show whatsoever.
An absolute disappointment, theres nothing here for Carpenter fans or seasoned horror vets.
#Saraitda (2020)
Thoroughly disappointing TV money grab
An extremely vapid and thoughtless zombie movie for the millennial generation.
Weak production values which is nothing to do with budget. There is zero attention to detail or cinematography, weak plot and script and terrible main protagonist.
Nothing about this film keeps you watching other than a vain hope of an upshift in storyline or interst but rest assured that it will be in vain.
Made to sell to the couch audience with no interest in real horror, a money grab if there ever was one
War of the Worlds (2019)
Do believe the doubters
This is a seriously lacking adaptation of the WOTW story, even if it's only used as a faint blueprint it achieves nothing and brings very little to the table.
Whilst feeling doubtful during the first two episodes, I still had hope due to the couple of interesting twists on how the aliens arrive and how they first strike humanity. Sadly these same twists are repeated and played out over the rest of the series, barely anything changes or moves the show forward.
The choice of main antagonist in the show seems overwhelmingly budget related, again at first it's an interesting addition but it soon becomes apparent that the same trick will be constantly and inconsistently repeated.
It's not a great show, it feels like an opportunity missed as there are some interesting ideas that should have been expanded upon.
It is though, far superior to the BBC travesty that came out at a similar time.
Possibly worth a watch if you're huge sci-fi fan, there are elements to take away from it.
It's not going to appeal to a casual fan and it falls way short of standing up against the best of the the genre or quality modern shows.
Survive the Hollow Shoals (2018)
Where was the band hiding?
I consider myself a found footage aficionado, as much as I'm a huge fan of the genre I can judge each film on it's own merit.
This film is promising to begin with, character development is good and I'm interested in the survivalist documentary that is the motivation of the footage.
Spooky things begin to occur, screams and noises from afar but nothing that couldn't be explained away, at this point the film is holding together.
Then it falls apart!
It's a massive no no to have any kind of musical score in a found footage film, and even worse to add schlock BANGS! every time you catch a glimpse of something eerie. It's as subtle as a brick.
It continues to get worse throughout, all suspense and creepiness is completely lost. You no longer jump at anything visual, just huge explosions of electronic bombs rattling your speakers.
To the uninitiated or casual fans of horror I'm sure that the jumps that dished out from the orchestral bangs will be enough to fool them into thinking that they've seen a scary movie but that's not the case.
This film should have been creepy and mind bending, the main protagonist is trapped and can't work out what to do next.
Aside from the ridiculous soundtrack there is also no ending or intrigue provided by an open ending and it's all a bit of a let down.
It's a shame that this film goes so awry because it has the makings of something much better, it would have hovered around a 3 rating but it loses another star for it's soundtrack!!
The Mist (2017)
Disappointing show, terrible cast
From the first episode I could feel where this show was heading, I really should have listened to my gut instinct. It brought back painful memories of that other
overly dramatic flop "Fear Of The Walking Dead"
The "mist" itself is all but a secondary character in this dysfunctional soap opera and serves as nothing more than a plot device to keep these annoying, unbelievable characters isolated and locking horns with each other.
Not only are the characters completely nonsensical and seemingly motivated by whatever whim the writers took fancy to that particular second, they are also extremely unlikeable.
In particular the main mother in the show played by Alyssa Sutherland, she is dreadful and made this show even more of a chore to plough through. If I never see her act again it will be too soon.
Save yourself the absolute waste of time and the souring of what should be a terrifying, thought provoking story and watch the superior in every way 2007 film.
The film adaptation of the King short story was definitely a huge inspiration for Stranger Things and has only grown better with time.
How can this show get it so wrong when its already had the path laid out for it?
Pathetic attempt
Dark Beacon (2017)
Pointless and aimless
Atrocious in every way but especially the acting. A pointless endeavour with barely a story or plot to hold it together.
How can a 1hr 15m film drag so much, that's an achievement in itself.
Terrible
Excision (2012)
Cartoon Misfit
A quite bizarre and uneven movie that whilst not all bad is certainly massively overrated on this site.
The main character of Pauline is terribly played by someone who has clearly never been awkward or an outcast, it's a distracting, unbelievable pantomime of gurning and over the top nihilism. This could and should have been reigned in and allowed to simmer and explode. Others who review this film seem to rate this performance as something special but it's not, it's actually the films weakest part.
The characters behaviour would have been addressed and confronted a long time ago but is seemingly ignored by every oblivious idiot until far too late.
This is made more apparent by the performance of the rest of the cast which is downplayed and understated, whilst this may be a conscious decision it certainly wasn't a good one. It removes all art from the movie and leaves it clearly in the trash pile. Not a bad thing for a film of this type but the film wants you to believe that there's more here. There's not.
The film itself is well shot, it looks and feels expensive, which is testament to the filmmakers. It may have been better served without this level of gloss but it's impressive. Again this may have been a conscious decision, but this film is trash and instead of revelling in that it tries to move away from it.
It has nothing to say and an unbelievable plot and characters yet it portrays itself as something deeper. Had Pauline played people off against each other instead of being so openly dramatic it could have added a level of intrigue into the proceedings. Instead we get a couple of hours a teenage Bart Simpson staring through her oh so greasy hair.
Fear the Walking Dead (2015)
Very far below average. FLOP!!!
I've watched this show for way too long now and it's not improved in the slightest, I must question my own sanity for sticking with it for my love of the subject matter and some sort of misplaced loyalty.
Flimsy characters, meandering story, directionless plot, some awful acting. But all of that aside, it just has not got the meat on it's bones to sustain a serial show, the best ideas have already been used and are playing out in the original Walking Dead series.
All zombie / post apocalyptic media follow similar paths, they have to. When people are left with no laws or society conventions, things will inevitably fall apart in a similar manner. It's tried and tested. The Walking Dead comic book started in 2003 and slowly built up a roster of great characters and story lines, all of those years of slowly developing and growing organically left a fantastic legacy of intimate, scary and thoughtful story lines. It's playing out in the original show beautifully as the ideas are carefully cherry picked and added to over time. It's a success and rightly so, it's fantastic. The comic book is an inspired piece of work and a great source to pick from.
Writing a whole new set of stories and scenarios for TV is not the same, all the same ingredients are there but for some reason it seems forced. The same thing is happening in Game Of Thrones now that the show has overtaken the books. There's nothing organic, nothing inspired and not a glimpse of any genius behind it. I'm gutted it's not worked out, I had such high hopes. I'd have taken average and still enjoyed it, that's how bad this show is. It's worse than average.
Brick Mansions (2014)
Not a patch on District 13
I didn't realise it was a remake of District 13, all I knew was that Paul Walker was in it so my expectations weren't exactly high to begin with. As soon as the titles rolled and I saw Luc Besson's name and I began to twig.
All in all, it's an absolute pointless remake. Non of the originals charm, stunts which were better the first time around and a completely unlikeable cast. Literally nothing is new and worse nothing is better. There is also a massive overuse of super slo-mo.
The biggest failing of all though is the horrendous acting from, well, just about everyone. Other than the lowest of low budget movies the acting in this is the worst I've ever seen. It plumbs new depths in it's awfulness and distracts from any chance the movie may have had to win over even the least critical of audiences. To top it all off there is also a smattering of pointless bad dubbing.
It'll pass some time and you wont be particularly amused or upset by it but it really is just charmless nonsense.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)
Still has the ability to shock and scare, meandering plot aside
I guess you buy in or you don't, I still do!
I watched this instalment as I have the previous, alone, at night, all lights in the house off. In a brightened room, in daytime, with friends, not glued to the screen, that will take something away from this series as it's the little bumps in the night that get you. (though sadly lacking in this film)
The biggest step away from the original premise so far, to the point at where the promo for the film barely mentioned that it was a part of the series. I liked the idea, though I admit that I was craving a little timecode action. We are watching an actual film now make no mistake, the found footage element seems a bit too abandoned for my liking. I still enjoy the cam footage though so I wouldn't want to lose that, just a smarter way of including it within the story.
The new setting was intriguing at times ranging from a real and convincing slice of normal life to cheesy stereotypes, the film drops you into a new surrounding and lets you start to piece together clues along with the characters. Everything about this I like but the film lets itself down here by going headlong into situations with cautionless abandon where a more backed off creepy approach may have served better. The pacing was also very much different than any of the previous films, sadly the slow building foreboding and dread were completely missing. I also don't feel that there was enough fleshing out of the story, it doesn't seem like a lack of ideas just using the wrong plot devices to drag the story forward.
There are plot holes though, a lot due to the fact that filming would not continue during certain instances. Something which the originals got around beautifully. You also can't get away from the feeling that you're starting to be shown way too much now. That said I absolutely love the "Chronicle" esque elements to this instalment, very clever idea and though again probably taken a little too far. It does lead to an intentionally, absolutely hilarious scene, in fact I laughed out loud twice during this film. The other time was a stoned joke regarding a famous detective with a Latino twist.
All in all a good departure from the originals that doesn't spell the end to the series, it can stand alone or there can be others like this. In fact, I think that's the idea.
I'd like to see more of the original style in future films or something closer to the original characters but I could definitely buy into another few movies before maybe something within the coven and a conclusion from that. The overall concept still has legs and this was just a clever departure from the original idea which still leaves me wondering whether the writers have a few threads which they can bring together before leading us somewhere clever and unique. I'm crossing my fingers anyway.
It works well at times though others not so but still with a tense gripping finale which will get your heart pumping.
Byzantium (2012)
Enjoyed, but it could've been so much better
I love the concept of this film, without going into too much detail it's a refreshing rewind on the vampire genre.
The plot outline is great but the storytelling not-so, there are countless scenes that could've been expanded upon and used to great cinematic effect. The back story could have been much more graphic and made more relevant, a real lack of imagination dogs the film throughout.
The build-up is slowly paced which I have no problem with but there just wasn't enough to keep the viewer entertained or intrigued.
This could be an occasion where Hollywood money and scriptwriters may have been this films saving grace, I have a feeling that the idea will be copied and picked-up by someone else.
World War Z (2013)
This is NOT a horror movie, it's barely a zombie movie
I'm coming at World War Z as a zombie veteran, I've sat through more zombie films from over the past 50 years than most others so I feel pretty qualified to give a verdict on this title.
In a world where we now have a fantastic adaptation of The Walking Dead comic book on our TV's, this movie in comparison is flashy, derivative and unimaginative.
You can't blame the source material, the novel is beautifully paced and excellently descriptive, everything this film isn't. This movie is definitely aimed more at the casual, popcorn audience other than anybody who really wants to feel anything on an emotional or cultural level. All thoughts of the novel are quickly lost and you realise that you wont emerge feeling any different than you did when it started.
My initial feelings as the movie moved through it's opening sequences were of the equally flashy and emotionless blockbuster "I Am Legend", from not being able to forget that it's Brad Pitt, it's pacing and the over the top CGI zombies I already knew that this wasn't going to be for me. No blood, no guts, no sense, no emotion, no real thought or care.
This is a disaster movie plain and simple, no questions are asked and none are answered. I never felt any jeopardy throughout the entire film and never feared for the human race. "The Day After Tomorrow" with zombies basically.
CGI, why?? All terror is lost, all lingering thoughts that this is an actual re-animated human being leave you and that feeling is never revisited. When I think of the incredible work done by Tom Savini on the "Dead" movies, especially "Day". I really struggle to understand the thinking of producers and directors on this matter, there are no iconic moments, nothing that makes you not want to turn the lights out at night, it's honestly just pointless brain (no pun intended) fodder. Use CGI when you have to, when zombies are falling from buildings or creating the worlds largest pile-on great, all other times, go with what's real, what's actually there.
I'd love to care enough to take this film apart but it's really not worth it, the makers obviously didn't care about the source material or the culture they were exploiting so I'm not going into any more detail.
There is no reason why this had to be "World War Z", other than the rights to use the title this could've been any other mainstream blockbuster which is the biggest shame of this film. What a waste.
Anybody who has even a slight interest in zombie films will instantly know that this is just filler, it serves a purpose and it'll make some money and then onto the next.
Thanks for nothing Brad.
Bigfoot County (2012)
The wait for Bigfoot goes on.
The third in the recent slew of Bigfoot movies and I'm afraid it was more of the same. Better than Night Claws (not that difficult), maybe not as good as Lost Coast Tapes but we're talking slightly one way or another.
I'm finding the biggest problem with all recent found footage / hand-held cam movies is the lack of originality and any real idea of a decent ending.
Blair Witch Project cornered the market of unexplained, cut-off endings, it's been copied countless times since. How many more times do we need the same!? It's a tool used to keep production costs low, where big Hollywood movies would wow us with special effects as a pay off movies with little or no budget will use the leave us guessing tool.
I really don't mind it if it's done properly, but there has to be a organic sequence of events otherwise the audience is forced to watch a bunch of people stumbling around in a dark forest for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
For once I didn't have a problem with the characters in this film, I was at times enjoying the ride. But there ultimately isn't enough meat on the bones of the movie to sustain itself and sadly after a few mild thrills it tails off into what I suspected all along.
There is a twist at the end but it's telegraphed from a long way off so don't expect any surprises.
12/12/12 (2012)
This baby should definitely have been aborted
I don't know why but I had a feeling that this was going to be an OK film but I couldn't have been more wrong, I'm afraid it's another one of those straight to DVD titles that are so common these days and booooooooooooy is it a stinker.
Stealing its basic plot ideas from "The Omen", "Paranormal Activity" and "Rosemary's Baby", though never successfully. This travesty is as much as an unintentional comedy as it is a horror, that as we know can be quite entertaining at times but it never is here. Hilariosly bad acting, unconvincing characters, comic deaths, terrible special effects and a just incredibly awful demonic baby which is never properly seen but what you do see isn't worth the wait.
I've run out of adjectives to describe how bad this is so I'll leave you with this one lasting message:
AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)
Opportunity hugely missed, very wide of the mark.
Far from being an awful film, it certainly has it's merits. That in fact makes it a bigger disappointment.
The acting is far too staged for this type of film, the hamming is way too put on. It's a constant break from reality which becomes very tedious. Too slow in build up, this is something that I don't usually mind but I had the nagging feeling that I wasn't going to be payed off. I wasn't wrong. The title of the film will leave a sour taste in the mouth of some people, I was pretty disappointed immediately after watching but on reflection I'm thinking it was pretty clever. The characters are just ridiculous, pathetic in fact. Less rounded more ill-written characters you will seldom see.
OK the biggest sticking point, the afore mentioned lack of payoff. Throughout the film there are no clever clues, no sneaky sighters nothing. The usual bad horror film decisions from the main characters actually drive the story, this is a massive oversight as I think there could've been a real story to get you teeth into here. You're left with nothing by the time the credits roll, just a feeling of emptiness.
Way below the bombastic Troll Hunter which it steals a lot from, could've been waaaay better.
Skew (2011)
What utter nonsense, oh and there's no horror btw!!
What a waste of time Some moron (probably someone related to the making of the film), rates this film highly on IMDb and states that it's better than "Paranormal Activity". That's an absolute joke! There is no point or reason to this film. The only "Skew" is the over-inflated rating that people on this site have given it.
It steals an idea from the X-Files and a video game from 15 years ago and still can't make a worth while movie, utter garbage. The horror (if I can call it that) is awful, it's not scary well not unless you're scared by film makers getting away with really bad CGI. It's certainly not jumpy which I would have thought would be the main aim of a film of it's type.
When will people please stop lazily comparing any old POV movie with "Paranormal Activity" when the movie isn't even fit to lace "paranormal Activities" boots!
I cannot recommend strongly enough that you do not waste your time on this film, you wont get it back!
Extinction: The G.M.O. Chronicles (2011)
Black and white minstrel, free-running zombies!!?? Yeah that's what I said!
This isn't a great movie, I thought there was a bit of promise very early on but I was very wrong. There are occasionally some neat seedlings of ideas but they seem to be passed over and instead the main protagonists do idiotic things to endanger themselves and others.
As to the title of this review, I nearly spat out my cereal when I first saw them, just hilarious, oh and very pointless. This film would've been much better if it didn't try to break away from zombie convention, the addition of the other breeds is so badly thought out, explained and executed that I really can't see the point. I've seen high rated reviews of this film on IMDb, those people should seek serious medical help straight away.
The Dinosaur Project (2012)
I don't know how anyone can dislike this film
Let me start by saying that this isn't the greatest movie of all time, but it's a long long way from being anywhere near the worst. I was really expecting a pile of trash, the kind of SYFY nonsense that seems to be everywhere these days but it's really not.
Great story, great twists, more than adequate effects (I'd say better than Dr Who for example) and a really good open ending. Sure I could pick a holes in it, the acting was a bit hit and miss, it wasn't always so well paced and maybe the whole concept is a bit far fetched but the main thing is that it's just really enjoyable, good old fashioned fun that made me feel 12 again. In fact I'd have adored this film when I was a 12 I'm sure.
It reminded me of Jurassic Park 3 but it gets more into the heart of the subject minus the huge horror Scares
I really want to rate it higher but that would only be because it made me feel like a kid again, I think 6 would be fair but I'll keep it at 5.
To the morons who were expecting Jurassic Park and rated it 1, you are doing this film a massive disservice.
Super (2010)
Raw, clever and moving. Everything Kick Ass ain't!
I can honestly say that I got so much more from this film than I bargained for: gritty, brutal, funny and f**king disturbing at times but always raw and intelligent. "Super" conjures up a range of emotions that "Kick Ass" never escalates to and makes it seem like the glossy Hollywood flick that it was trying so hard not to be.
It's not always perfect: it could've done with more plot development, under-used and under-developed characters, often confused direction and at times signs of low budget. But all of these can be looked on as positives in as much as this film was never going to be a number 1 box office smash, but it's story, theme, heart and punk rock rawness keeps it punching above it's weight consistently throughout. It isn't always pretty but I felt it.
I watched "Kick Ass" with great anticipation, this was what every comic book fan had been waiting for. Sadly though I did and I still do feel detached from it's main theme, that a regular guy can become "super"! Too much gloss and way too far fetched. A superbly made and an enjoyable enough movie, but other than the Big Daddy / Hit Girl scenes it was a bit off the mark for me.
"Super" on the other hand isn't gunning for number 1 spot or glossy looks, it wants to make you think, make you laugh, make you hurt and make you question your own morals and it succeeds on every count. It never pulls punches and it never turns away from controversy in a way that a mainstream film could never do. I love the downward spiral of this film, it envelops you and drags you into it's mess. It seems to go so bad in such a short space of time, if a regular guy tried to make a difference I would assume he would befall the same outcome. But the whole time it remains funny and keeps you questioning and guessing and I loved it for that.
His costume, his weapon of choice and his amazing catchphrase are as crappy as some idiot would make up, his Rorschach sense of justice is exactly what would get a regular Joe into big trouble.
It's not the greatest movie of all time and it could've been better in parts but it's really a winner in my eyes.
The Last Exorcism (2010)
Erm, no thanks
I'll keep it as brief as the script writers did when writing this film.
Sub-most other hand held cam, horror films in this genre but still watchable little romp. There are times when I really couldn't understand why the writers and director didn't give you the scare they seemed to set you up for, very weird in a film of this type. There are so many good examples of these films now which use the fact that the camera is hand held as a story telling and scare tool, the makers of this didn't seem to understand the concept and it may have been better served as a straight up movie. Paranormal Activity, REC, Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project are a million times better.
Awful ending.
Home of the Brave (2006)
Surely this verges on insulting
Not being a veteran myself I can only guess at the supposed events in this film, but from the awful opening scenes where the soldiers seem to put themselves in harms way I knew this film had major problems.
Everything is so completely by the numbers and clichéd it's quite sickening, even before watching, it's patently obvious what issues the characters are meant to be having ingratiating themselves back into society. Some very bad script writing and unbelievably cheesy dialogue doesn't help, there's even "THE" most obvious Vietnam vet thrown in there for some extra cheese. I must point out that the acting in this film is also way below par, especially by the more established actors. Biel and Jackson don't seem to have the capacity for this at all, in fact Biel is thoroughly annoying throughout and that 50 Cent guy is atrocious.
The motives of this film also seem a little skewed as it tries to preach to you some garbled anti-war message. Thank you but I can make up my own mind!
If this was the first film ever made about soldiers returning home from a war and their struggle to fit back into society then it would still be awful, the fact that it's been done countless times before but with much more success makes this a complete stinker and probably a little insulting.
"I was there....." Yeah it's that bad!
Paura nella città dei morti viventi (1980)
Typical Fulci nonsense
How Fulci ever got to make so many movies is an absolute mystery, even if you approach them with your thickest kitch glasses on they're generally useless wastes of celluloid. This is no different. From a story that could have been do-able you get a script that makes no sense, acting that defies logic and dubbing that seems unnecessary.
Again Fulci pisses all over any zombie mythology and (as far as I'm concerned) completely disrespects the audience with the audacity of the events, I've sat through so many of his zombie films and not one gets anywhere near the heights of Zombi 2 (Zombie Flesh Eaters).
One point of note where I disagree with a lot of the reviews about this film, I think there are quite a few neat ideas and a few good little effects thrown in. But that's it!!! Overall though, unless you're a zombie movie completist, really don't bother wasting your time and life.
Knowing (2009)
Haven't I seen absolutely everything before???
You name it and it's in here, but that's OK there's only so much you can do with an apocalyptic movie so I'm not going to rate it down because of that.
The main problems with this film are Nicolas Cage, a stupidly unbelievable story and the feeling that it thinks it's way smarter than it really is.
There's no way on earth this film should be getting the ratings that it is, that's just ridiculous. It fills up a couple of hours of your life and you'll not regret losing them, but there's nothing new or exceptional to be gained here. I really don't know whats happened to Cage, I used to rate him as an actor. Everything he does now is just going through the motions, in parts that just don't suit him. I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable watching him.
The story is so rambling and pointless, basically anything could have been the answer for the mystery that drives the whole plot. Nothing tied together, nothing is explained and when it eventually is it's just soooo sickeningly obvious that I wouldn't even bother spoiling it.
There are some memorable parts though, special effects are almost perfect the entire way through. An unbelievable, inredible plane crash as seen in the trailer. I wanted to be watching it on DVD so I could view it over and over. The rest of the effects were also tip-top, a train incident seemed a little overdone but the finale is well worth waiting for.
All in all it's a good popcorn blockbuster, I enjoyed it as far as these kind of films go. But don't go believing the hype or thinking there's anything deeper, it's just a big, dumb movie and a Scientologist wet dream.
Werewolf: The Devil's Hound (2007)
Who is making these films?
I've seen porn with higher production values, a better plot and better special effects!!
In a world where American Werewolf In London, Dog Soldiers and The Wolfman exist, why does anyone need to make a film like this? Oh yeah because it's a purely cynical exercise by soulless, trashy film makers with less ideas than their already pitiful budget to make loads of straight to DVD crap movies, stock them on shelves in Blockbuster and trick unsuspecting suckers into renting or buying what on the cover seems like a big budget Hollywood production.
You'll know how bad this is the second you see the Yeti like werewolf, it has to be the least scary thing I've ever seen. I don't really know if I have enough will left to finish the review but if yourrrgghhhbllluuuurrrghhhbbbllaaaaahhhhgabbbagabbahey