Reviews

I like a good musical. This was neither good, nor a musical. It was like an extended music video crossed with the worst soap opera imaginable. The very idea that this was nominated for Best Picture alongside 'A Beautiful Mind' and 'The Fellowship of the Ring' is laughable, somebody must have paid big bucks for that nomination. This movie is remarkable in that watching it actually causes physical pain, pain that is renewed every time a character says anything, or commences the melodramatic howling that passes for singing in this mess. A gaudy, overblown and grotesque film.

This truly is a 'so bad it's funny' kind of movie. The ridiculous acting, the terrible (say it again TERRIBLE) special effects, the total disregard for logic or scientific fact. The laughable 'action' scenes starring plastic uzis and star wars action figures. This movie is a laugh riot from scene 1. You don't even have to Mistie this movie to make it funny, it's funny all by itself. Watch out for the alien chick with fake boobs and mall hair, and the self-inflating tent (!) that works in a vacuum. Ridiculous.

With the cheesy title and the horrible DVD cover I was expecting some kind of "Species" clone, but this is an underappreciated mini-classic. A throwback to the Weird-Tales school of horror-stories from the 50s and 60s. This is a moody, atmospheric film with a good cast. Rufus Sewell, in particular, gives a great performance here. The mermaid effects are really good (no knees) and the mermaid girl is beautiful as well as creepy. The film has a polished, classic-cinema look that is extraordinary, considering the whole thing was shot in something like 20 days. My only complaint is that the sound on the DVD is EXTREMELY bad, the mix is such that you have to turn it wayyyy up to even hear the dialogue. Other than that minor caveat, this is a little gem of a movie.

In an age of Xena-esque fantasy adventure films (al la the tepid Scorpion King) It is startling to go back and see just how good this movie still is. "Conan" is not for the faint of heart, and not just for gore - there are far more bloody movies out there - but for the uncompromising warrior-ethos John Milius infused into his vision. There is nothing PC about this fantasy world. When he is asked "what is best in life?" Conan paraphrases Genghis Khan: "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!" We are not led to believe he is kidding. It is true that Arnold is no great actor, but it is also true he has always stuck with parts he can handle, and he does a fine job as Conan, but the real star here is the director. John Milius is one of the greats, totally unappreciated in his time, and his sweeping scope and epic, gritty battle sequences add a dimension lacking from almost every other S&S film. There is a grim aura of doom pervading the movie that fits the original Howard stories to a T, and I think Robert E Howard would have really liked this movie. James Earl Jones gives a killer performance as the evil Thulsa Doom, rivalling Darth Vader himself. A last point in this film's favor is the score. Basil Poledouris turned out his best score ever for this film: Brooding, powerful and operatic, it lends the film a grandeur Hercules could only dream of. I must have seen this film 40 times and I still never get tired of it.