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Cosmo322
Reviews
Time Warrior (2012)
Time Warrior? More like Time Wasted.
I normally do not write reviews on here but every once in awhile a movie does compel you. First off, kudos to the producers. It is impressive that you were able to raise the $850,000 (rumored) for this movie's budget. Unfortunately it is the only thing impressive about this movie.
The casting goes to show you that you cannot pop into a nearby high school and fill out your leads and make a good movie. I'm sure this movie was shot in a very short time because there is no chemistry whatsoever among the cast. As previous reviews have stated, the acting is absolutely wooden. These "actors" are just reading their lines. For most, I'm sure this will be a one and done movie career. It is painful at times to listen to the words coming out of these character's mouths. I could pull out individuals but let's just say the whole ensemble was terrible. The only believable actor was Daniel Ball. Who was that, you say? He was the news anchor towards the end of the movie. I think he was on screen for 45 seconds to a minute but he sounded like a real news anchor. And no, I am not related to or know this person at all.
And that leads me to the story. There seemed to be potential for a good story but the execution was so lackluster. The main difference between the story and Swiss cheese is that Swiss cheese is delicious. What the story shares with Swiss cheese are the holes. Plot holes galore. The English have a perfect word for it: rubbish.
Why three stars? Well, it is not the worst movie I have ever seen and the special effects (which I'm guessing took up most of the budget) is passable at best. I should have watched this movie with a friend because then there could have been shared laughter at the absurdity of it all. But watching it alone, all you can do is just shake your head.
Death Ride (2006)
Prepare to be driven...to boredom
As I sit here, trying to think of something positive, I draw only a blank. Well, wait a minute, the movie did end. I guess that could be a positive. This movie had many titles. "Death Ride" was changed to "Haunted Highway" and could have been changed again to "Driving. The Movie". This movie was like the many driving scenes. Pointless. The Japanese Horror Gods must have been looking the other way and not been able to stop this movie from coming out.
And then there was the acting...or lack thereof. The main character apparently had no way to show emotion on his face so they used makeup to help him out. And I'm guessing that Hinano Yoshikawa either spoke no English or broken English, so they dub her voice for one that is worse? It would have been better if she spoke her native language and they just had subtitles. Now, it wouldn't have made any sense in the movie, being as the main character probably wouldn't understand her but hey, if you've seen the movie, why try to make sense of it.
This movie fails at getting any scares. The scare shots are so predictable that you are sitting there waiting for them to just get it over with. If you want to see a low budget but well made movie, go out and rent "Dead End". It will make "Death Haunted Highway Ride" look like it was made by pre-schoolers.
Unseen Evil 2 (2004)
How low can you go? "Alien 3000" low.
I too, had the "mis-fortune" of seeing this movie before the street date. If this movie cost more than $25,000 to make, the producers of this movie need to get receipts for everything, because none of it went into the special effects. I shouldn't even use the word special effects at all because there definitely wasn't anything special about them. I don't think I would even label this a "B" movie. Try C, D, or F+. Take the military helicopter, for instance. It's a remote-controlled model. It looks as real as a dog's chew toy that resembles a hamburger.
And what type of blackmail did they use to get Lorenzo Lamas. I know he works the "B" movie circuit but this is a new low. How low can you go? "Alien 3000" low.
This is definitely not worth seeing if you are paying. Now if a friend gets it and you enjoy bad movies then watch away. You will find yourself laughing most of the way through. There is plenty to laugh at: stereotypical characters, bad sets, bad acting, bad effects (or lack thereof). I think my rating of 2 out of 10 is probably a bit high.
Abomination: The Evilmaker II (2003)
Yet another terrible Brain Damage film
Though I have not seen the first movie, "The EvilMaker" I do wonder why they would make a sequel. Are there people out there demanding that this story be continued? Did the first movie leave a bunch of unanswered questions? Besides the common question of 'Why was this movie made?' I'm amazed that these movies are able to get national distribution. They shouldn't leave their city of origin. Not only is the story weak, the acting bad but we are to believe that this one "actor" (a poor man's Captain Lou Albano) is a former cop kicked off the force for unethical behavior. How about kicking him off cause he looks like he ate one of the cop cars. Well GoreHounds, (so-called fans of Brain Damage films) this is another stinker. 1/10
Ankle Biters (2002)
The Absolute Worst Movie Ever!
Good grief, Charlie Brown. I thought I had seen the worst movie ever (that being "The House That Screamed" and its sequel) but here comes "Ankle Biters". I have to commend the makers of this movie for one thing though. They managed to scour the Earth and locate the worst actors and put them in the same movie. Bravo! I know that this is a low budget film and you can't hold that against them but come on. Did they write this movie as they were filming? Because the "actors" (or friends of the director) delivered their lines like a stiff board. It pains me that absolute garbage can be packaged in a video cassette. Don't get me wrong. I love to rent b-movie horror films. It's enjoyable just to watch them and poke fun throughout the movie. And every once in awhile you find a diamond in the rough, (i.e. "Dog Soldiers") but this movie is so boring you want to scream. Oh, and invest in a boom mike. Not that it would have helped this movie but at least you can hear the stiff lines.