Just read the title, and that should give you a good idea of if you're gonna like this movie or not. I would strongly recommend not taking this movie seriously, if you plan on watching it. I've read a bunch of reviews on this site where people are complaining about different aspects of this movie, some valid, some I found a little off. Right off the bat, let's take a look at the tag line: "%100 Medically Accurate". I've seen a lot of people basically saying, "Nuh-uh". Well bravo Dr. Obviously, you called that one. Just one thing. What made you believe that it would be in the first place? I mean, the movie is called THE HUMAN f'n CENTIPEDE! I really got a kick outta how many people were flexing their brains to point out that you can't live off human waste. The set up is kinda weak. 2 American girls get lost in the woods in some area of Germany after their car gets a flat. I guess changing the tire was out of the question, but did they have to go traipsing off into the woods? Guess sticking to the road seemed too obvious. Anyway, the house that they eventually come to for help just happens to belong to a mad doctor, with a hard-on for human centipedes. Add 1 hijacked Japanese dude to complete the party train, and it's time to get stitchin'. Again, I really can't believe how seriously people are taking this movie. I even read someone's review where they worried that this was gonna give someone the idea to try something like this. Really? And I still can't get over all the folks spoutin' the "OMG, this is sooo NOT medically accurate" complaint. I really gotta believe that whoever came up with that tag line was in on the joke, and it seems to have gone over a few heads. The best I can offer is to say that this is the kind of movie that your inner 14 year old will... umm... enjoy? No... how about... be able to sit through. If you've shut off that part of your brain, you'll probably really hate this movie, cause you'll be pointing out flaws like a real pro. I mean, straight up, a lot of this movie just doesn't make sense, but again, I must draw your attention to the title. It's not at all scary, but it's definitely messed up. I feel that this is the kind of movie you'd be best off watching with friends (all with a healthy sense of humor) and just try to enjoy on a "OH, GROSS" and HOLY SH*T, THAT'S MESSED UP" kinda level. And as soon as one of them says, "Well, it's not exactly %100 medically accurate", point at them and laugh.
Reviews
7 Reviews
Street Trash
(1987)
One man's trash...
19 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Awesome flick! Think Troma and you're on the right track. Street Trash would be right at home with other Troma fare like Toxic Avenger and Class Of Nuke'em High (infact, a couple people you might recognize from those films appear here as well). Sud & Buds are the order of the day! This one's putting a comedic slant on the proceedings (like the two movies I just mentioned) and for the most part, it works. The laughs are intentional, as opposed to other movies I have reviewed, which you tend to laugh at due to the high grade of cheese involved.
One morning, a liquor store owner uncovers a case of booze, called Tenafly Viper, in the basement that appears to have been there since prohibition was repealed. Being an opportunistic business man, he sells the stuff for a buck a bottle. Since his store is located in a Jersey slum, his customers tend to be homeless drunks. Lo and behold, a young homeless drunk, named Fred (who lives in a auto wrecking yard with his younger brother, Kevin), comes in and swipes a bottle and then has it stolen by another derelict. Turns out, Fred's lucky it happened cause when the thief sits down on a toilet and takes a swig from the bottle, he pretty much turns into slime (neon slime, at that) and drains down the crapper.
More homeless people start to melt after drinking the Viper, till Fred realizes what's going on when he sees one of them explode. Now it's up to him to warn everybody. To make matters worse, he's got a mobster, named Duran, after him cause he made off with the guy's girlfriend while she was drunk and puking in an alley behind Duran's restaurant. Fred takes her back to his squat and has his way with her... till the other bums in the area show up and pretty much rape the holy hell outta her and leave her dead, down by the river. Duran has also got it in for the doorman who let Fred walk right by with the girl and did nothing to stop him.
Also, there's Bronson (played by Vic Noto), a deranged Veitnam veteran who's kinda like the school yard bully of the bums. He has a (very) small army of homeless troops to carry out his orders, which include terrorizing the locals. Add in a no nonsense cop looking to take Bronson down and you got yourself a hell of a good time. As I said at the start, if you like Troma films, there's a lot you'll probably dig here.
The Good: The characters and dialogue, for starters. Bronson is a real loon, taking every opportunity to act like he's still back in Nam. The cop (played by Bill Chepil) is even better! I love it when he tells a woman that's giving him a hard time about helping a guy who's been splattered by a melting bum, "Lady, I'm not so sure you don't gotta cock". The scene where Fred and Kevin's friend, Burt, hits a grocery store to shoplift them some dinner is a riot. The best though, has got to be Duran and the doorman (Tony Darrow and James Lorinz). They're scenes together crack me up. I like the melting scenes as well. The film isn't very gory in a blood and guts way (though there are a couple scenes that are pretty nasty), it's more about the melting, which is pretty gross none the less. I think the special effects are darn good, considering the meager budget this movie had. Oh yeah, the scene where Bronson starts a game of keep away with a guys severed penis is a hoot!
The Not So Good: There's a bit of a stretch were no one melts. Since these scenes are amongst the highlights of the movie, it's a little bit of a letdown. The acting, as usual in these types of movies, is pretty bad but, c'mon, it's a low budget splatter flick from the 1980's. If you don't do juvenile humor (penis keep away anyone?), you'll want to avoid this one.
One morning, a liquor store owner uncovers a case of booze, called Tenafly Viper, in the basement that appears to have been there since prohibition was repealed. Being an opportunistic business man, he sells the stuff for a buck a bottle. Since his store is located in a Jersey slum, his customers tend to be homeless drunks. Lo and behold, a young homeless drunk, named Fred (who lives in a auto wrecking yard with his younger brother, Kevin), comes in and swipes a bottle and then has it stolen by another derelict. Turns out, Fred's lucky it happened cause when the thief sits down on a toilet and takes a swig from the bottle, he pretty much turns into slime (neon slime, at that) and drains down the crapper.
More homeless people start to melt after drinking the Viper, till Fred realizes what's going on when he sees one of them explode. Now it's up to him to warn everybody. To make matters worse, he's got a mobster, named Duran, after him cause he made off with the guy's girlfriend while she was drunk and puking in an alley behind Duran's restaurant. Fred takes her back to his squat and has his way with her... till the other bums in the area show up and pretty much rape the holy hell outta her and leave her dead, down by the river. Duran has also got it in for the doorman who let Fred walk right by with the girl and did nothing to stop him.
Also, there's Bronson (played by Vic Noto), a deranged Veitnam veteran who's kinda like the school yard bully of the bums. He has a (very) small army of homeless troops to carry out his orders, which include terrorizing the locals. Add in a no nonsense cop looking to take Bronson down and you got yourself a hell of a good time. As I said at the start, if you like Troma films, there's a lot you'll probably dig here.
The Good: The characters and dialogue, for starters. Bronson is a real loon, taking every opportunity to act like he's still back in Nam. The cop (played by Bill Chepil) is even better! I love it when he tells a woman that's giving him a hard time about helping a guy who's been splattered by a melting bum, "Lady, I'm not so sure you don't gotta cock". The scene where Fred and Kevin's friend, Burt, hits a grocery store to shoplift them some dinner is a riot. The best though, has got to be Duran and the doorman (Tony Darrow and James Lorinz). They're scenes together crack me up. I like the melting scenes as well. The film isn't very gory in a blood and guts way (though there are a couple scenes that are pretty nasty), it's more about the melting, which is pretty gross none the less. I think the special effects are darn good, considering the meager budget this movie had. Oh yeah, the scene where Bronson starts a game of keep away with a guys severed penis is a hoot!
The Not So Good: There's a bit of a stretch were no one melts. Since these scenes are amongst the highlights of the movie, it's a little bit of a letdown. The acting, as usual in these types of movies, is pretty bad but, c'mon, it's a low budget splatter flick from the 1980's. If you don't do juvenile humor (penis keep away anyone?), you'll want to avoid this one.
Two words, one man: Peter Bark
19 October 2009
Another zombie classic. Well, it's a classic if you happen to enjoy bad Italian zombie flicks. Me? I can't get enough of 'em. Burial Ground ranks right up there with the best of the worst. Accordingly, Suds & Buds (see my Blood Freak review for clarity) are handy to have around for your viewing pleasure. Don't be surprised if this one creeps you out at some points.... or if you turn it off right around the incest scene (more on that later).
I remember renting Burial Ground when I was, like, 15, except the box was labeled The Gates Of Hell. As any fan of Euro-horror movies knows, these flicks sometimes have half a dozen different titles (or more), depending if you've got the Italian, American, German or Laplander version. But, The Gates Of Hell was also the American title for Lucio Fulci's City Of The Living Dead. The box even had the same art as C.O.T.L.D. Yeah, nothing too relevant to the review, I just thought it was funny. As I started getting more into horror movies and heard about City... and it's U.S. title of Gates..., I thought I'd already seen it. Then, it took me awhile to figure out what I'd actually seen was Burial Ground.
OK, enough with the childhood memories. Almost 20 years later, this is still one of my faves. You hear all the time about these types of movies being plot-less and devoid of character development... welcome to exhibit A! Well, there is an idea behind the movie but, I wouldn't go as far as to call it a plot. Basically, a small group of people (two couples and a newlywed Mom and her, erm, son) are heading to an Italian villa owned by their friend, Professor Ayres. He's been working in a tomb on the property, trying to... I dunno, raise the dead? Well, he succeeds just in time for his guests to arrive and is the first to go. While he's getting munched on, his guests make themselves at home back at the mansion.
By "at home", I mean they start boning (hey, maybe it was a long drive). These scenes feature a little soft-core sex and randy dialogue. My favorite line of the movie is when one of the girls, named Leslie, is playing dress-up for her man and reveals herself to him in a skimpy (and quite fetching) ensemble and asks him if he likes what he sees, to which he responds, "You look just like a little whore but, I like that in a girl". You sweet talker, Betty Crocker! It doesn't take long for the zombies to make their way outta the tomb and towards the mansion. These aren't your average dumb-ass zombies either. They take up weapons, climb walls and even use a battering ram on the door. When a maid reaches out of a window to close the shutters, the zombies pin her hand to the outside wall with what looks like a railroad spike and cut her noggin off with a scythe. So, these are some clever cadavers.
At this point, I'd like to take a moment to tell you about Peter Bark. I suppose anyone very familiar with Burial Ground knows where I'm going with this. Bark plays the role of the son, named Michale. Now, maybe it was the sexual content or child labor laws but, this role was not given to a child. Instead, Bark appears to be a 30 year old with a bone deficiency or something, as he stands about 5 feet tall. The really creepy part is that he looks like a 30 year old. Well, a 30 year old with a obvious problem.
Michale is constantly on his Mom's jock. He gives her new husband the stink-eye something fierce. After surviving a zombie attack, Michale cuddles up to his Mom and starts.... well, he starts hitting on her. Yes friends, The Incest Scene... part 1! I mean, homeboy starts feelin' her up and whatnot. Well Mom, for some reason, freaks out and slaps him (surprised it didn't turn him on, kinky lil' s.o.b.). So he takes off, seemingly forgetting that zombies are lurking about. Michale eventually falls victim to some zombie nastiness, which sets up... Incest Scene part 2! When Mom next sees Michale, such is her relief that she clutches him to her bosom... and offers him a suckle.... which he uses as a opportunity to bite her boob off.
That's pretty much it. Zombies arise, zombies attack, zombies kill everyone in sight. That's the "plot". If someone was to ask you what Burial Ground is about, just repeat those three things... arise, attack, kill. Oh yeah, and Peter F'n Bark! The Good: They don't skimp on the gore here. As usual, it doesn't always make sense (like when a freshly turned zombie has her head bashed in, why does it leak what appears to be gray paint?) but, like, whatever. A couple of the lovely ladies get naked... not Janet, though (seriously, am I the only one that thinks that chick looks a lot like Kate Hudson). The zombies look pretty good. Some are really revolting (rotten flesh,worms hanging outta their grill), while others are kinda ridiculous (you can plainly see the screened over holes at the eyes and mouth that the "actors" see and breathe through). I like the music, very moody.
The Not So Good: All the usual suspects for this type of film. Bad acting, bad dubbing and a plot you could jot down on the back of a pack of matches in about a minute and a half. All the stuff I mentioned in The Good could be, in someone else's opinion, considered Not So Good (shock and disbelief!).
I remember renting Burial Ground when I was, like, 15, except the box was labeled The Gates Of Hell. As any fan of Euro-horror movies knows, these flicks sometimes have half a dozen different titles (or more), depending if you've got the Italian, American, German or Laplander version. But, The Gates Of Hell was also the American title for Lucio Fulci's City Of The Living Dead. The box even had the same art as C.O.T.L.D. Yeah, nothing too relevant to the review, I just thought it was funny. As I started getting more into horror movies and heard about City... and it's U.S. title of Gates..., I thought I'd already seen it. Then, it took me awhile to figure out what I'd actually seen was Burial Ground.
OK, enough with the childhood memories. Almost 20 years later, this is still one of my faves. You hear all the time about these types of movies being plot-less and devoid of character development... welcome to exhibit A! Well, there is an idea behind the movie but, I wouldn't go as far as to call it a plot. Basically, a small group of people (two couples and a newlywed Mom and her, erm, son) are heading to an Italian villa owned by their friend, Professor Ayres. He's been working in a tomb on the property, trying to... I dunno, raise the dead? Well, he succeeds just in time for his guests to arrive and is the first to go. While he's getting munched on, his guests make themselves at home back at the mansion.
By "at home", I mean they start boning (hey, maybe it was a long drive). These scenes feature a little soft-core sex and randy dialogue. My favorite line of the movie is when one of the girls, named Leslie, is playing dress-up for her man and reveals herself to him in a skimpy (and quite fetching) ensemble and asks him if he likes what he sees, to which he responds, "You look just like a little whore but, I like that in a girl". You sweet talker, Betty Crocker! It doesn't take long for the zombies to make their way outta the tomb and towards the mansion. These aren't your average dumb-ass zombies either. They take up weapons, climb walls and even use a battering ram on the door. When a maid reaches out of a window to close the shutters, the zombies pin her hand to the outside wall with what looks like a railroad spike and cut her noggin off with a scythe. So, these are some clever cadavers.
At this point, I'd like to take a moment to tell you about Peter Bark. I suppose anyone very familiar with Burial Ground knows where I'm going with this. Bark plays the role of the son, named Michale. Now, maybe it was the sexual content or child labor laws but, this role was not given to a child. Instead, Bark appears to be a 30 year old with a bone deficiency or something, as he stands about 5 feet tall. The really creepy part is that he looks like a 30 year old. Well, a 30 year old with a obvious problem.
Michale is constantly on his Mom's jock. He gives her new husband the stink-eye something fierce. After surviving a zombie attack, Michale cuddles up to his Mom and starts.... well, he starts hitting on her. Yes friends, The Incest Scene... part 1! I mean, homeboy starts feelin' her up and whatnot. Well Mom, for some reason, freaks out and slaps him (surprised it didn't turn him on, kinky lil' s.o.b.). So he takes off, seemingly forgetting that zombies are lurking about. Michale eventually falls victim to some zombie nastiness, which sets up... Incest Scene part 2! When Mom next sees Michale, such is her relief that she clutches him to her bosom... and offers him a suckle.... which he uses as a opportunity to bite her boob off.
That's pretty much it. Zombies arise, zombies attack, zombies kill everyone in sight. That's the "plot". If someone was to ask you what Burial Ground is about, just repeat those three things... arise, attack, kill. Oh yeah, and Peter F'n Bark! The Good: They don't skimp on the gore here. As usual, it doesn't always make sense (like when a freshly turned zombie has her head bashed in, why does it leak what appears to be gray paint?) but, like, whatever. A couple of the lovely ladies get naked... not Janet, though (seriously, am I the only one that thinks that chick looks a lot like Kate Hudson). The zombies look pretty good. Some are really revolting (rotten flesh,worms hanging outta their grill), while others are kinda ridiculous (you can plainly see the screened over holes at the eyes and mouth that the "actors" see and breathe through). I like the music, very moody.
The Not So Good: All the usual suspects for this type of film. Bad acting, bad dubbing and a plot you could jot down on the back of a pack of matches in about a minute and a half. All the stuff I mentioned in The Good could be, in someone else's opinion, considered Not So Good (shock and disbelief!).
Maniac
(1980)
He's a Maniac, Maaaaaniac!
19 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
This one's a sick flick. If Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer and The New York Ripper chugged beer till they were sick(er), they would probably puke up Maniac. Mmmm, nice image, huh? Well, get used to it, cause if you're watching Maniac, you'll be seeing plenty of sick sh*t. You might wanna even skip the Suds & Buds. This one will kill your buzz and if you watch it with friends, they might expect an apology afterwards.
So, Frank Zito (an absolutely nutty Joe Spinell) has Mommy issues. A lot of guys do... they just don't handle them the way Frank does. He destroys women (and a couple guy who were unfortunate to be involved with the women Frank had his eye on). He's a creepy dude alright. You see, he has this thing for scalps. And as most girls are rather attached to theirs (chortle), he's gotta take them. So he stalks young ladies till he finds a window of opportunity and then gets down to business.
This is pretty much what Frank does with his life, till one day he meets a photographer named Anna. For some reason, Frank tries to play it normal with her (2 guesses how this turns out). He wines and dines her, all the while letting her keep possession of her scalp like a perfect gentleman. Things go swimmingly till Frank decides it would be nice to take Anna to pay his Mother's grave a visit. Frank kinda loses his grip and tries to get familiar with Anna's scalp. Anna thinks the date is over and flees accordingly, leaving Frank to stumble home to his rat-hole apartment and have a total psychotic breakdown and a happy ending is enjoyed by none.... except Anna's scalp.
OK, so Maniac is not a date movie. This is that special kind of horror movie that exists to make you regret watching it, in the sense the it leaves one feeling kinda depressed and dirty afterwards (like the other 2 movies I mentioned at the start). Let me state right now that I don't think it's "wicked cool" that Frank has it in for women. I have nothing but love and respect for women (my Mom is a woman). But this isn't a nice movie.
Actually, it's a very ugly and mean spirited movie. So why the good rating? Cause I can appreciate ugly, mean spirited movies. I mean, this IS a horror movie, right? This isn't mainstream Hollywood horror, like The Grudge or Final Destenation, where the idea is to put pretty people in precarious positions. This is low budget '80s sleaze. This is from an era when horror movies wanted to make you uncomfortable. And it does just that.
The Good: Joe Spinell (who also wrote the screenplay) is, uhhh, very convincing. As are the effects, handled by the one and only Tom Savini. Speaking of Tom, he has a cameo in one scene as a disco dude taking a lady down to the docks for a little rub and tug... till Frank shows up and blows his head off (one of my all-time fave gore effects, really, ya gotta see it). Some of the other effects are almost too much to bear.... which is a good thing? Seriously, if you're looking for a "fun" horror movie to watch, don't even bother with this. But, if you know what you're in for and you're still down, Maniac is nasty and truly horrifying.
The Not So Good: See: ugly, mean spirited, nasty. Some people (about 99.9%) will wonder how and why this ever got made. As I mentioned above, some of the effects are really harsh. The first time we see Frank scalp a girl, it's really quite unsettling, to the point where if you don't dig stuff like this, you might feel sick. It could be labeled misogynistic and irresponsible but, I'm of the mind that if you watch this and think it's OK to scalp women, your screws were loosening already. Don't blame movies, music or books for f'd up people.
So, Frank Zito (an absolutely nutty Joe Spinell) has Mommy issues. A lot of guys do... they just don't handle them the way Frank does. He destroys women (and a couple guy who were unfortunate to be involved with the women Frank had his eye on). He's a creepy dude alright. You see, he has this thing for scalps. And as most girls are rather attached to theirs (chortle), he's gotta take them. So he stalks young ladies till he finds a window of opportunity and then gets down to business.
This is pretty much what Frank does with his life, till one day he meets a photographer named Anna. For some reason, Frank tries to play it normal with her (2 guesses how this turns out). He wines and dines her, all the while letting her keep possession of her scalp like a perfect gentleman. Things go swimmingly till Frank decides it would be nice to take Anna to pay his Mother's grave a visit. Frank kinda loses his grip and tries to get familiar with Anna's scalp. Anna thinks the date is over and flees accordingly, leaving Frank to stumble home to his rat-hole apartment and have a total psychotic breakdown and a happy ending is enjoyed by none.... except Anna's scalp.
OK, so Maniac is not a date movie. This is that special kind of horror movie that exists to make you regret watching it, in the sense the it leaves one feeling kinda depressed and dirty afterwards (like the other 2 movies I mentioned at the start). Let me state right now that I don't think it's "wicked cool" that Frank has it in for women. I have nothing but love and respect for women (my Mom is a woman). But this isn't a nice movie.
Actually, it's a very ugly and mean spirited movie. So why the good rating? Cause I can appreciate ugly, mean spirited movies. I mean, this IS a horror movie, right? This isn't mainstream Hollywood horror, like The Grudge or Final Destenation, where the idea is to put pretty people in precarious positions. This is low budget '80s sleaze. This is from an era when horror movies wanted to make you uncomfortable. And it does just that.
The Good: Joe Spinell (who also wrote the screenplay) is, uhhh, very convincing. As are the effects, handled by the one and only Tom Savini. Speaking of Tom, he has a cameo in one scene as a disco dude taking a lady down to the docks for a little rub and tug... till Frank shows up and blows his head off (one of my all-time fave gore effects, really, ya gotta see it). Some of the other effects are almost too much to bear.... which is a good thing? Seriously, if you're looking for a "fun" horror movie to watch, don't even bother with this. But, if you know what you're in for and you're still down, Maniac is nasty and truly horrifying.
The Not So Good: See: ugly, mean spirited, nasty. Some people (about 99.9%) will wonder how and why this ever got made. As I mentioned above, some of the effects are really harsh. The first time we see Frank scalp a girl, it's really quite unsettling, to the point where if you don't dig stuff like this, you might feel sick. It could be labeled misogynistic and irresponsible but, I'm of the mind that if you watch this and think it's OK to scalp women, your screws were loosening already. Don't blame movies, music or books for f'd up people.
Pieces
(1982)
Pieces be with you
19 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
OK, this is gonna be a tough one. Suds & Buds factor (again, check my Blood Freak review for clarification) is through the roof, owing mainly to the fact that this will test the patience of all but the most forgiving fan of sleazy, low budget horror. I mean it, even if you're morally opposed to drinking, you might wanna chug a few for this one. And the more Buds, the better.
Pieces is sort of a Who-Dunnit, kind of a Slasher and a total mess. I mean that with great affection. If this flick was any better, it wouldn't be as good. Basically, a killer is roaming a university campus in Boston, picking off girls one by one and taking body parts with him. Oh, I should mention the opening prologue, set in 1942. A young boy is assembling a X-rated puzzle and is discovered by his mother, who has a fit. When the boy is told to dispose of the puzzle, he whacks his Mom upside the head with an axe instead. Being that this scene is set in 1942, I had to chuckle at some of the inconsistencies. For example: The boys New England Patriots banner (the Pats didn't exist as a team till 1960), the Mom's request for a plastic garbage bag (a invention of the '50s), a nanny calls the house and a push button phone is shown ringing ('70s, that one) and it's mentioned that the boy's father is in the Air Force (which wasn't known as such till after World War II). Also, the girl on the puzzle that the boy was putting together looks straight outta the '80s.
Jump forward to 1982, and a killer is on the lose, seemingly making a puzzle from the parts he takes from his victims. Just to drive the point home that this is the little boy from the opening, the killer is seen putting the same puzzle together. God kid, let it go! The movie tries to give you a few potential candidates for who could be the killer but, it's handled so poorly that either the suspects just about have a neon sign that reads "KILLER" hanging above them, or you have no clue as to how other suspects are even suspected. In a good Who-Dunnit, the idea is to have people you wouldn't suspect. Well, in Pieces, it's one of two with the neon sign. So, no prizes for guessing the killers identity. It doesn't help that one of the main suspects is cleared midway through the movie, although that would set up a good "Gotcha" ending. But, that is for a movie with more tricks up it's sleeve than Pieces has.
Two cops (played by Christopher George and Frank Brana) are put on the case and enlist the help of a tennis pro to go undercover at the university. Or, it could be a cop that just happens to be really good at tennis. Rather, a cop who sucks at tennis, as the scenes we see of her playing tennis suggest I could beat her (I can barely hold a racket). And then they get the school "stud" to look after her. I put stud in quotations cause he looks like Slim Goodbody's nerdy younger brother. Oh, did I mention that the "stud" is also a suspect? My favorite suspect has to be the female secretary. Wasn't it a boy in the prologue? Did he have a sex change? Again, too clever for this one.
At one point, there's a shot of all the would be suspects standing in a hall at the scene of the latest murder. This is great for some insight into who the movie wants you to believe could be the killer. The only problem is, in the previous scene, the girl who's about to be killed runs into the killer (whose face we can't see and is hiding a 3 foot chainsaw behind his back that she somehow doesn't notice) in a elevator and says something like, "Oh, it's you, sir". When you get to that shot of the suspects standing in the hall, it doesn't take too much guesswork to weed out a few of the five suspects. You wouldn't call the female secretary "sir"! Nor would you likely address another student that way. For that matter, you probably wouldn't call the grounds keeper "sir", unless you're very polite.
So, this movie sucks then? Something fierce. That's what you gotta know going in. But, there's some stuff you won't wanna miss. In some other reviews I've read, there are a couple parts that keep getting mentioned, and for good reason. One being... well, let's just call it "The Bastard Scene". After discovering the latest mutilated body, the tennis pro/cop (?) screams the word "bastard" to vent a little. Sounds lame? You kinda gotta see it. It's like Lynda Day (as tennis-cop) thought she might win an Oscar if she put her all into screaming the line... three times, no less (for the record, the second one really gets me). The other? Oh Lord... I can't even begin to describe. It's the most outta left field kung-fu scene ever... EVER! I'm not sure what it's doing in this movie but, it apparently has something to do with bad chop-suey.
There's so much more to love. My favorite line (yup, more than, "BASTARD.. BASSTAARD... BAASSTAAARD!") is, "The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and f**king on a water bed at the same time". Oh, and Willard The Groundskeeper, king of the stink-eye. Watch this dude whenever someone approaches him. He looks at 'em like he's got a jockstrap shoved under his sniffer. Ohhhh, and the ending! It's a real nut buster. Really though, the ending.... go into this one with low expectations and you may come out alright.
The Good: Errrm, define good?
The Not So Good: Acting, plot, dialogue.... ya know, nothing important.
Pieces is sort of a Who-Dunnit, kind of a Slasher and a total mess. I mean that with great affection. If this flick was any better, it wouldn't be as good. Basically, a killer is roaming a university campus in Boston, picking off girls one by one and taking body parts with him. Oh, I should mention the opening prologue, set in 1942. A young boy is assembling a X-rated puzzle and is discovered by his mother, who has a fit. When the boy is told to dispose of the puzzle, he whacks his Mom upside the head with an axe instead. Being that this scene is set in 1942, I had to chuckle at some of the inconsistencies. For example: The boys New England Patriots banner (the Pats didn't exist as a team till 1960), the Mom's request for a plastic garbage bag (a invention of the '50s), a nanny calls the house and a push button phone is shown ringing ('70s, that one) and it's mentioned that the boy's father is in the Air Force (which wasn't known as such till after World War II). Also, the girl on the puzzle that the boy was putting together looks straight outta the '80s.
Jump forward to 1982, and a killer is on the lose, seemingly making a puzzle from the parts he takes from his victims. Just to drive the point home that this is the little boy from the opening, the killer is seen putting the same puzzle together. God kid, let it go! The movie tries to give you a few potential candidates for who could be the killer but, it's handled so poorly that either the suspects just about have a neon sign that reads "KILLER" hanging above them, or you have no clue as to how other suspects are even suspected. In a good Who-Dunnit, the idea is to have people you wouldn't suspect. Well, in Pieces, it's one of two with the neon sign. So, no prizes for guessing the killers identity. It doesn't help that one of the main suspects is cleared midway through the movie, although that would set up a good "Gotcha" ending. But, that is for a movie with more tricks up it's sleeve than Pieces has.
Two cops (played by Christopher George and Frank Brana) are put on the case and enlist the help of a tennis pro to go undercover at the university. Or, it could be a cop that just happens to be really good at tennis. Rather, a cop who sucks at tennis, as the scenes we see of her playing tennis suggest I could beat her (I can barely hold a racket). And then they get the school "stud" to look after her. I put stud in quotations cause he looks like Slim Goodbody's nerdy younger brother. Oh, did I mention that the "stud" is also a suspect? My favorite suspect has to be the female secretary. Wasn't it a boy in the prologue? Did he have a sex change? Again, too clever for this one.
At one point, there's a shot of all the would be suspects standing in a hall at the scene of the latest murder. This is great for some insight into who the movie wants you to believe could be the killer. The only problem is, in the previous scene, the girl who's about to be killed runs into the killer (whose face we can't see and is hiding a 3 foot chainsaw behind his back that she somehow doesn't notice) in a elevator and says something like, "Oh, it's you, sir". When you get to that shot of the suspects standing in the hall, it doesn't take too much guesswork to weed out a few of the five suspects. You wouldn't call the female secretary "sir"! Nor would you likely address another student that way. For that matter, you probably wouldn't call the grounds keeper "sir", unless you're very polite.
So, this movie sucks then? Something fierce. That's what you gotta know going in. But, there's some stuff you won't wanna miss. In some other reviews I've read, there are a couple parts that keep getting mentioned, and for good reason. One being... well, let's just call it "The Bastard Scene". After discovering the latest mutilated body, the tennis pro/cop (?) screams the word "bastard" to vent a little. Sounds lame? You kinda gotta see it. It's like Lynda Day (as tennis-cop) thought she might win an Oscar if she put her all into screaming the line... three times, no less (for the record, the second one really gets me). The other? Oh Lord... I can't even begin to describe. It's the most outta left field kung-fu scene ever... EVER! I'm not sure what it's doing in this movie but, it apparently has something to do with bad chop-suey.
There's so much more to love. My favorite line (yup, more than, "BASTARD.. BASSTAARD... BAASSTAAARD!") is, "The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and f**king on a water bed at the same time". Oh, and Willard The Groundskeeper, king of the stink-eye. Watch this dude whenever someone approaches him. He looks at 'em like he's got a jockstrap shoved under his sniffer. Ohhhh, and the ending! It's a real nut buster. Really though, the ending.... go into this one with low expectations and you may come out alright.
The Good: Errrm, define good?
The Not So Good: Acting, plot, dialogue.... ya know, nothing important.
Blood Freak
(1972)
Blood Freak'n A!
14 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Total "Suds & Buds" flick! How's that, you ask? It's a term I use for movies that are best appreciated with a couple brews and... some friends (what kind of "Buds" did ya think I was reefer, oh, excuse me... I meant, "referring" to?). That's not to say this movie couldn't be enjoyed without such things, it just adds to the fun. Now, let's make one thing clear right off the bat, this is not what one would call a good movie. This is CULT. If bad acting, shoddy directing, awful effects and the usual stuff that comes with this fare doesn't immediately turn you off, then tune in, turn on and drop to the floor in fits of laughter! If you're the type to take a movie like this too seriously (or serious at all) then keep walking Jack, cause you're not gonna dig it in the least.
Soooo, here we go! Things start with a burly biker named Herschell (who looks like the love child of Elvis Presley and Conway Twitty) riding down the highway and happening upon a girl (named Angel... subtle) having car problems. He gives her a lift to her sister's place and they walk in on a super swinging 70's drug party. Angel's sister, Ann, gets the instant sweats for Herschell but, he's diggin' on Angel. So what does Ann do? Decides to turn him on to weed (yeah, the hard stuff). The problem is, Hersch doesn't get down like that. So Ann plays the old "You're a coward" card and the only thing Herschell hates more than drugs is being thought a coward, so it's puff, puff, pass! Dude, don't ya think it's kinda cowardly to let someone bamboozle you into doing something you don't want to do? Well, he lays Ann afterward, so it's all good.
Angel hooks him up with a job at a turkey farm were it appears he doesn't have much to do but throw turkeys from one cage to another. But, mystery lurks within the confines of this farm. Chief among them is some weird experiments being performed by the 2 most awesomest scientists EVER, Lenny and Gene! I mean, Gene looks genuinely scared to be on camera. Lenny's not much better but, Gene kills me! He stutters and looks shook as hell whenever the camera is on him. They offer him a bunch of pot if he'll take part in their experiments (oh yeah, it might help to point out that after one joint, Herschell became a total junkie for the Devil's Weed). I've seen this movie a whole bunch of times and I'm still not sure what the hell these experiments are or what they're supposed to do to enhance the already pleasurable experience of eating turkey (unless you're a vegetarian). So, he agrees and starts pounding down tainted turkey like it's the last meal he'll ever eat (no doubt aided by a super case of the munchies).
Would you like to guess what happens next? That's right, he turns into a Tukey-monster with an insane lust for the blood of addicts! Or rather, a guy in a f'd up papier-mache turkey head with an insane lust for red paint that comes shootin' outta poorly placed squibs. Turkey-Hersch goes about his bloody business picking off other junkies (and one old man who didn't appear to be any threat to him). Finally, a couple of Ann's friends (who look like roadies for Grand Funk Railroad) catch up to him and give him a hair cut with a big blade, real close to the shoulders like, which is inter-cut with a scene of a real turkey getting it's head cut off (charming). Why? Got me. I'm guessin' it was an affordable piece of shock value footage.
At this point, Herschell wakes up in the woods and realizes it was all a hallucination (natch). He's found by the old dude that runs the turkey farm (who is named Tom... clever) and he calls Angel. She gets Herschell to beg forgiveness from God, just to drive the point home. Through his newfound understandings of His teachings, Hersch forgives Ann and a happy endings enjoyed by all.... well, except for that headless turkey.
Sounds great, huh? Well, I didn't even mention the best part yet... the narrator! This joker pops up once in awhile to do a little bible thumpin' and preach the evils of drugs, all the while, puffing on a cigarette. At one point (and I'm not sure this wasn't some sorta put-on) he suffers a coughing fit... I mean,on camera.... and nobody yells "CUT!"..... and it wasn't even edited out after filming! AWE-freakin-SOME! Not to mention all the other goodies like the camera man's shadow popping up in shots, editing that seems to be done by a 7 year old on acid and some dialogue so inaudible that if you turned your t.v. up to full blast, you still couldn't make it out. Well, as the narrator would say, "Right on"! I know plenty of people wouldn't understand how anyone could enjoy a movie like this and wouldn't hear of the old "so bad, it's good" excuse but, it's harmless to enjoy it for what it is... which is, the best Anti-Drug/Pro-Religion/Turkey-Monster movie ever made! The Good: The freakin' narrator, man! He's too much! He's obviously reading his lines (and probably doing his "lines") off the desk in front of him, which he tries to cover by making it look like he's just looking down and collecting his thoughts or something. If your in the mood, you'll probably laugh your ass off during this flick.
The Not So Good: If your not in the mood for it, this movie will probably seem like the worst thing ever caught on film. Acting is so below the bottom of the barrel, it's really not easy to describe.However, if you were expecting anything else, shame on you.
Soooo, here we go! Things start with a burly biker named Herschell (who looks like the love child of Elvis Presley and Conway Twitty) riding down the highway and happening upon a girl (named Angel... subtle) having car problems. He gives her a lift to her sister's place and they walk in on a super swinging 70's drug party. Angel's sister, Ann, gets the instant sweats for Herschell but, he's diggin' on Angel. So what does Ann do? Decides to turn him on to weed (yeah, the hard stuff). The problem is, Hersch doesn't get down like that. So Ann plays the old "You're a coward" card and the only thing Herschell hates more than drugs is being thought a coward, so it's puff, puff, pass! Dude, don't ya think it's kinda cowardly to let someone bamboozle you into doing something you don't want to do? Well, he lays Ann afterward, so it's all good.
Angel hooks him up with a job at a turkey farm were it appears he doesn't have much to do but throw turkeys from one cage to another. But, mystery lurks within the confines of this farm. Chief among them is some weird experiments being performed by the 2 most awesomest scientists EVER, Lenny and Gene! I mean, Gene looks genuinely scared to be on camera. Lenny's not much better but, Gene kills me! He stutters and looks shook as hell whenever the camera is on him. They offer him a bunch of pot if he'll take part in their experiments (oh yeah, it might help to point out that after one joint, Herschell became a total junkie for the Devil's Weed). I've seen this movie a whole bunch of times and I'm still not sure what the hell these experiments are or what they're supposed to do to enhance the already pleasurable experience of eating turkey (unless you're a vegetarian). So, he agrees and starts pounding down tainted turkey like it's the last meal he'll ever eat (no doubt aided by a super case of the munchies).
Would you like to guess what happens next? That's right, he turns into a Tukey-monster with an insane lust for the blood of addicts! Or rather, a guy in a f'd up papier-mache turkey head with an insane lust for red paint that comes shootin' outta poorly placed squibs. Turkey-Hersch goes about his bloody business picking off other junkies (and one old man who didn't appear to be any threat to him). Finally, a couple of Ann's friends (who look like roadies for Grand Funk Railroad) catch up to him and give him a hair cut with a big blade, real close to the shoulders like, which is inter-cut with a scene of a real turkey getting it's head cut off (charming). Why? Got me. I'm guessin' it was an affordable piece of shock value footage.
At this point, Herschell wakes up in the woods and realizes it was all a hallucination (natch). He's found by the old dude that runs the turkey farm (who is named Tom... clever) and he calls Angel. She gets Herschell to beg forgiveness from God, just to drive the point home. Through his newfound understandings of His teachings, Hersch forgives Ann and a happy endings enjoyed by all.... well, except for that headless turkey.
Sounds great, huh? Well, I didn't even mention the best part yet... the narrator! This joker pops up once in awhile to do a little bible thumpin' and preach the evils of drugs, all the while, puffing on a cigarette. At one point (and I'm not sure this wasn't some sorta put-on) he suffers a coughing fit... I mean,on camera.... and nobody yells "CUT!"..... and it wasn't even edited out after filming! AWE-freakin-SOME! Not to mention all the other goodies like the camera man's shadow popping up in shots, editing that seems to be done by a 7 year old on acid and some dialogue so inaudible that if you turned your t.v. up to full blast, you still couldn't make it out. Well, as the narrator would say, "Right on"! I know plenty of people wouldn't understand how anyone could enjoy a movie like this and wouldn't hear of the old "so bad, it's good" excuse but, it's harmless to enjoy it for what it is... which is, the best Anti-Drug/Pro-Religion/Turkey-Monster movie ever made! The Good: The freakin' narrator, man! He's too much! He's obviously reading his lines (and probably doing his "lines") off the desk in front of him, which he tries to cover by making it look like he's just looking down and collecting his thoughts or something. If your in the mood, you'll probably laugh your ass off during this flick.
The Not So Good: If your not in the mood for it, this movie will probably seem like the worst thing ever caught on film. Acting is so below the bottom of the barrel, it's really not easy to describe.However, if you were expecting anything else, shame on you.
Zombie
(1979)
A movie by any other name.... probably ain't about zombies.
14 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Loooove this one! Suds & Buds factor is pretty high for this flick (if you need a reminder of exactly what "Suds & Buds" means, check my Blood Freak review). Now, my mission is to show a little love to the unlovables. Ya'll know about movies like Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump, E.T. and Titanic. Ya know, popular stuff. What good would it do to speak on movies like those? I'd be, like, the 1,000,001st person to gush about The Dark Knight. I hereby swear to resist reviewing mainstream fare in favor of the movies most would like to see swept under the carpet (or, more appropriately, flushed down the toilet). Oh, I'm no hero... well, maybe a little. I'm just doing my part to spread the disease.
Here's the rundown: Boat floats into New York. Harbor Patrol climbs on-board to investigate... discovers zombie. Zombie kills cop. Police locate Anne, the daughter of the boats owner and try to get some info about Daddy's whereabouts. Journalist Peter West, covers story and uncovers a note to Anne from her Dad that the police missed on the boat. The note tells of a strange disease that has befallen the father while on a island in the Caribbean. Anne and Peter decide it's a good idea to investigate further on their own and head out to find the island of Matul. What they find is...... refer to title. Throw in a deranged Doctor trying' to figure out the undead epidemic and you got yourself a good time. This is the kind of movie one tends to watch with a silly grin on their face, waiting for the next cheesy line of dialogue or over the top gore scene. You're not gonna glean any social commentary or redeeming message here. If that's what you're waiting for, you can F. right O.!
This one is probably known most for "The Eyeball Scene" and it's a doozy. Yeah, the head looks pretty fake but, that adds to the charm when watching this kinda flick. Basically, the Doctor's wife is attacked while alone at home and tries to hide in her room. Well, the zombies just pound on her door till it busts open and pull her through the hole. While en route through the hole she catches a big ass splinter in the eye, which is shown in graphic detail. Sweet! Although, for gore, I might prefer when Peter and Anne (joined by a couple named Brian and Susan) discover the body in the middle of a zombie feeding frenzy. It looks like pulled pork at the buffet table! Another scene worth noting is the underwater dual between a shark and a zombie (please don't make me explain). It's pretty silly but, par for the course with this movie. I've discussed this movie (and this scene in particular) with a few people and I've heard everything from "That's the stupidest damn thing I've seen in a movie!" to "It's a shark vs. a zombie, what's not to love about that?". Well, I'm somewhere in the middle on this one. It's funny but, the fact that it's presented in a otherwise serious (in tone, at least) movie is pretty lame. When the zombie starts back peddlin' and trying to juke the shark, even my generous patience is tested. Zombies don't juke, dude! That's why they suck at football!!
The acting is another gripe I've read with regards to this movie. Let's just take a moment here to clarify: This is a low budget Italian zombie flick from the '70s. Were you expecting Oscar worthy material? I think Ian McCulloch (playing Peter West) and Richard Johnson (as Dr. Menard) are fine, even good. Before you toss your salad, keep in mind that I mean "good" for this type of movie. I'll grant you, Al Cliver (as Brian) and Auretta Gay (really f'n gay, as Susan) are pretty annoying but, all the better to watch 'em become zombie food. Tisa Farrow (playing Anne) is kinda bad as well, sooo.... what was my point? ... Oh yeah, just enjoy Zombie for what it is. Or don't. I hate when people on these sites say things like, "You're stupid if you like this movie" or "If you don't like this movie, you're stupid". It's all opinion. My opinion is Zombie kicks ass! Or munches ass? Wait, that sounds lewd. Ummm, Zombie is really, very, nice and good..... and if you don't agree, you're stupid!
The Good: The gore, even if it doesn't always make sense (why does a 400 year old, dried up zombie have wet brains when his head is cracked open?). I dig the atmosphere. The voodoo drums in some scenes add a touch of menace to the goings on. The ending's pretty cool, implying that the zombie apocalypse is starting to unfold. I love the D.J. on the radio Peter and Anne are listening to as they try to flee Matul. He's reporting on the army of undead that are invading New York, going so far as to stick with the scoop as zombies storm the station as he yells something like, "They're in the building!... They're coming through the door!!... They're in the room!!!... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!". Buddy, you coulda cut and ran a little earlier! Whatta pro.
The Not So Good: A little slow in the get go, perhaps. Some (as in: most) will be turned off by the acting. Like I said, I think Peter and Dr. Menard are played well enough. Brian and Susan get on my nerves a little (well, a lot in Susan's case). He's such a blow-hard, spoutin' off on Spanish Conquistadors and introducing himself by saying, "You're talking to Brian...". Whatta tool. Shark vs. Zombie could lose a few people, depending on their tolerance for silly shite. Oh yeah, if gore for gore's sake ain't your thing, you might have a problem here.
Here's the rundown: Boat floats into New York. Harbor Patrol climbs on-board to investigate... discovers zombie. Zombie kills cop. Police locate Anne, the daughter of the boats owner and try to get some info about Daddy's whereabouts. Journalist Peter West, covers story and uncovers a note to Anne from her Dad that the police missed on the boat. The note tells of a strange disease that has befallen the father while on a island in the Caribbean. Anne and Peter decide it's a good idea to investigate further on their own and head out to find the island of Matul. What they find is...... refer to title. Throw in a deranged Doctor trying' to figure out the undead epidemic and you got yourself a good time. This is the kind of movie one tends to watch with a silly grin on their face, waiting for the next cheesy line of dialogue or over the top gore scene. You're not gonna glean any social commentary or redeeming message here. If that's what you're waiting for, you can F. right O.!
This one is probably known most for "The Eyeball Scene" and it's a doozy. Yeah, the head looks pretty fake but, that adds to the charm when watching this kinda flick. Basically, the Doctor's wife is attacked while alone at home and tries to hide in her room. Well, the zombies just pound on her door till it busts open and pull her through the hole. While en route through the hole she catches a big ass splinter in the eye, which is shown in graphic detail. Sweet! Although, for gore, I might prefer when Peter and Anne (joined by a couple named Brian and Susan) discover the body in the middle of a zombie feeding frenzy. It looks like pulled pork at the buffet table! Another scene worth noting is the underwater dual between a shark and a zombie (please don't make me explain). It's pretty silly but, par for the course with this movie. I've discussed this movie (and this scene in particular) with a few people and I've heard everything from "That's the stupidest damn thing I've seen in a movie!" to "It's a shark vs. a zombie, what's not to love about that?". Well, I'm somewhere in the middle on this one. It's funny but, the fact that it's presented in a otherwise serious (in tone, at least) movie is pretty lame. When the zombie starts back peddlin' and trying to juke the shark, even my generous patience is tested. Zombies don't juke, dude! That's why they suck at football!!
The acting is another gripe I've read with regards to this movie. Let's just take a moment here to clarify: This is a low budget Italian zombie flick from the '70s. Were you expecting Oscar worthy material? I think Ian McCulloch (playing Peter West) and Richard Johnson (as Dr. Menard) are fine, even good. Before you toss your salad, keep in mind that I mean "good" for this type of movie. I'll grant you, Al Cliver (as Brian) and Auretta Gay (really f'n gay, as Susan) are pretty annoying but, all the better to watch 'em become zombie food. Tisa Farrow (playing Anne) is kinda bad as well, sooo.... what was my point? ... Oh yeah, just enjoy Zombie for what it is. Or don't. I hate when people on these sites say things like, "You're stupid if you like this movie" or "If you don't like this movie, you're stupid". It's all opinion. My opinion is Zombie kicks ass! Or munches ass? Wait, that sounds lewd. Ummm, Zombie is really, very, nice and good..... and if you don't agree, you're stupid!
The Good: The gore, even if it doesn't always make sense (why does a 400 year old, dried up zombie have wet brains when his head is cracked open?). I dig the atmosphere. The voodoo drums in some scenes add a touch of menace to the goings on. The ending's pretty cool, implying that the zombie apocalypse is starting to unfold. I love the D.J. on the radio Peter and Anne are listening to as they try to flee Matul. He's reporting on the army of undead that are invading New York, going so far as to stick with the scoop as zombies storm the station as he yells something like, "They're in the building!... They're coming through the door!!... They're in the room!!!... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!". Buddy, you coulda cut and ran a little earlier! Whatta pro.
The Not So Good: A little slow in the get go, perhaps. Some (as in: most) will be turned off by the acting. Like I said, I think Peter and Dr. Menard are played well enough. Brian and Susan get on my nerves a little (well, a lot in Susan's case). He's such a blow-hard, spoutin' off on Spanish Conquistadors and introducing himself by saying, "You're talking to Brian...". Whatta tool. Shark vs. Zombie could lose a few people, depending on their tolerance for silly shite. Oh yeah, if gore for gore's sake ain't your thing, you might have a problem here.
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