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stevebowtie
Reviews
The Madame Blanc Mysteries (2021)
It's ok, just.
It's no Death in Paradise. It's not even Mallorca. The plot's thin and the characters are stereotypes. The architecture doesn't even look French but It wouldn't as it's filmed in Malta. Why didn't they film it in France? But it's easy and it's sunny so if nothing else it's an antidote to the chilly British weather.
American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)
Dreadful
This film is unmitigated excrement! If you like watching a 94 minute brawl through a scrapyard then watch it. Otherwise avoid. I have to write at least ten lines to get this comment on the board. I don't think I can come up with that many ways to say total rubbish, but here goes. 1. Why is it that after the nuclear holocaust, every city in America turns into a car breaker's yard! I've seen so many films where this has happened. Come on, Post Nuclear Americans, have you no civic pride? 2. The guardian of humanity's future, a woman who holds the only viable fetus on Earth in a little glass bottle, is called Mary. Now that's subtlety for you. 3. The sleazy, wheeler-dealer trader in the basement is an Arab. Now there's a surprise! Actually, the more I think about this film, the poorer I realize it was. I'd better stop now.
Lust for Dracula (2004)
Holy Vampsturbation!
Didn't understand a bit of it - but with babes like that who cares? I used to think that being a vampire meant living in a damp cellar and flying around at night biting people. Oy Vay - did I pick de wrong vampire!! Apparently these girls have anorexia, which means they spend hardly any time feasting and what sucking they do is on each other's clitorises. When they ain't pleasuring each other they're doing it to themselves - with fingers, not lips - they're vampires, not contortionists. In fact it's a good job vampires can fly because these girls must be so sore that walking would be out of the question. If you miss the first few minutes you could be forgiven for thinking that you'd tuned into the porno channel - but keep watching and you'll be drawn into a suffocating dreamworld by the superb quality of the direction, the soundtrack and the filming (almost said "shooting" but there's only one man in the film and he's dead before he can rise to the occasion. So no hairy arses pumping up and down - excellent). The acting is retrained and creates a nightmarish atmosphere that is compelling. I couldn't stop watching, but then I'm a guy. Misty Mundae, mmmmm ..... tastier than Ice Cream Sundae .