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Reviews
Spin Me Round (2022)
The worst spaghetti
How is is possible to make such a terrible film when an ample supply exists?
Was it pandemic boredom, the wrong drugs or an existential crisis that lead to everyone agreeing to perform in this? As lacking in substance as any thin crust pizza this is a tale without a spine, soul or purpose. How on earth they persuaded Brie and Plaza to work on this will remain a mystery.
Not even the opportunity to display Tuscany was taken in this trope of idiots abroad. Neither was there anything made to potentially explore the subjects of sexual harassment and coercion in the workplace, or worthless botched team building courses, let alone objectification of women.
It is so bad that the best thing is the ham, the wild boars of Tuscany finally biting back. Anyone involved should be embarrassed at this film. It is so bad it will likely become a cult classic for plankton. As utterly dreary as the food served up in blandsville.
How on earth was this funded, let alone released? You will never reclaim the time, but those that produced this should do some. 0/10 if the rating were permitted, hey make it a -10.
Fair Play (2023)
Trading cliches
Utter drivel, the worst film I've seen I ages, the only shorting that should've been done would have been to end this utter nonsense in the bar of idiotic engagement parties, but it went on and on into the endless hysteria of bad writing. Actors must have been too embarrassed to mention how silly the entire thing is. 1/10 only because 0 isn't an option. Do not waste your time with this.
There really is no need to say any more than this but the review won't count as it'd be too short. So... feeble male ego cannot cope with his fiancée getting a promotion he thinks he deserves, but she's running rings around him in the office and everyone knows it. He attempts to turn to the guru works of a Jordan Pietersen type and starts to reassert his fragile ego by working against his fiancée. What a charmless worm. We see all the pathetic excuses of males that have never been patented by anyone other than perhaps a teacher at boarding school, attempting to assert their version of masculinity over one another in the deep fake world of tickbox HR diversity, equality and generally anything to do with being a half decent human being. The plot is embarrassingly cliched and seems to understand neither men or women. This is about as badly written as it gets and those that lacked cahonas were those that failed to cut the thing off at the first obvious signs of incredulity.
House of the Dragon (2022)
Tedious
House of the rarely anything happening, save the infighting of feuding family members who always forget your birthday. There isn't a worthwhile character amongst the lot all scraping for a seat around a big table in a large, dark cold room.
Damsel not in distress, Alisent marries widower King, who despite his position is the only one who hasn't had a dental plan. His curious season long ailment results in him looking like Iron Maiden's Eddie, whilst his wife Queenie 2 ends up having children- Dick Dastardly and egg-on-cress who can scarcely be much younger than their mother. There is a touch of the Timelord about several characters as they regenerate into slightly different life forms, many of whom seem to have inherited a case of party wig.
Everyone pretends that they serve the King when really they serve his hand whilst the other doesn't know what it's doing. Heaven forbid that the throne passes to a female, oh...
American Night (2021)
Pretentious
I'd rather watch paint dry. A film in which everyone appears to have forgotten how to do their job, acting, directing, script, music all get kicked to the curb in this pretentious waffle about mobsters and a stolen Warhol. Did the Director ever graduate? And did actors meet at a dinner party and owed someone a favour? I don't think anyone of them has been worse...
French Exit (2020)
False Start
Do yourself a favour, find a different film.
Something that the agents should have said to this cast.
A mess of a movie in which it's hard to care about any one the blancmange characters.
Silent Night (2021)
Serious Dross
From the moment the awful dialogue starts there isn't a single likeable character. Couldn't care less about any of these uppity, friendless, pathetic, aspirational middle class halfwits. They would be perfectly at home sucking up to awful politicians or social climbers whilst making endless attempts to sound intelligent all the while exposing their lack of ever bothering to listen.
Happy ending.
Classic should not write and direct.
Save your time and money.
A Castle for Christmas (2021)
Aye, that be a heap o'dross
"Don't tell me you're one of those people that likes snow on Christmas Eve"
Good grief, the nail in the sporran for anyone that approved this spitbucket of awful songs and stereotypes. It's so bad it will probably garner cult status. There is nothing good about a plot that you can see coming as slowly as the ensemble of Americans seeking out their "deed" relatives.
Is the Director straight out of rehab for 1980s Mills and Boon? Cold porridge served with tomato ketchup has better chemistry.
It's so bad, was it made for £50?
Cosmopolis (2012)
Drivel
Meaningless drivel. Listen to your prostate. How do they get the funding for this sort of self indulgent twaddle? I have my syndrome, you have your complex... you did it to yourself.
"I have a fungus between my toes that talks to me"
Enough said? Save your time/money and don't give another penny.
Nowhere Special (2020)
Something Special
One of the many purposes of film is to reawaken compassion and a deeper understanding of others.
This film achieves this wonderfully.
There Will Be Blood (2007)
There will be a slow train coming
No doubting it's a beautifully shot picture, provides some insight into the hardship of life at the time. However the hunt for oil was rather more successful than the hunt for a set of characters that I could empathise with.
Obsessive, greedy manipulative men that are detached from others, not a particularly well told version of a familiar tale.
Jolt (2021)
9amp Shocking
This isn't thought through, much like the continuations and sets... supposedly somewhere in America, with a sense of "did you think we wouldn't notice" scenes at Southbank and the Tate gallery.
Like a bad team meeting on zoom, characters come to life when called upon but are otherwise attempting to make up the numbers and hide the reality that it's all rather unnecessary...all because the lady loves Chablis and halibut on a rare third date.
Ok so made in a pandemic, but it's as disjointed as a Tory party covid briefing and the worst special effects flames since Dr Who. Add in a high speed chase at 30mph and there is still a car crash of a plot. Not sure where the budget for this went, though the credits at the end imply probably to the gun suppliers.
Normally death and taxes can be relied upon and just like yours, the accountant is bound to do returns. Still Kate makes it bareable.
Wilson (2017)
Why?
How do films like this get made? Established well known actors agreeing to play a part... who cannot possibly need the money.
Utter twaddle, not sure if it's a notch above or below Elf... a close call.
The Father (2020)
Past, Present and Future?
Wonderfully shot and acted. Thoughtful approach to dementia and insights into how muddled the mind can become, messing with time. This will do more for your long-term care planning than anything else.
8/10.
Palm Springs (2020)
Palms together
An amusing jaunt, stuck in the never ending nightmare of a wedding in the middle of the desert. You can either wait for tomorrow or get on with today. A more edgy version of a film that you will probably have seen, or have some recollection of one that seems very familiar.
You have seen this before.
7/10.
Jumbo (2020)
The Real Wally
The majority of the film is shot in the dark, long scenes of barely lit rooms or locations that you cannot really make out. This reflects the tone for the rest of the film. Woman with useless mother "falls in love" with fairground ride and then marries machine. Thats it.
Reading other reviews clearly implies that I am not "open" and miss the point. I imagine the point is something to do with "most men are less expressive of emotional connection so may as well marry a machine". Throw in a little useless maternal contempt and, sure why wouldn't anyone reasonably conclude that a JCB is more reliable. I'd rather marry my blender than watch this again.
The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020)
You must be kidding
Talk about lazy. Ok I accept that within the genre of the "supernatural" the writer gets to simply make up stuff that makes no sense and has no logic... but overlay that with a terrible script, some utterly awful accents and a soundscape of falling rain where nobody gets wet, the sound of crickets in an English evening, birdsong in the middle of the night and incomprehensible character backstory, makes the entire thing a painful watch ... but hey throw in every horror story trope and hope for the best, how this got good reviews is beyond me.
Rebecca (2020)
That sinking feeling....
Despite a beautiful cast, the only beautiful thing about this reworking is the sets and costumes. The script is dreadful and might be largely responsible for some ham fisted melodramatic acting. It's as full of holes and as wooden as the scuttled boat that consigned Rebecca herself. It's a pity they didn't put the script on it with it. How on earth does a Director fail to pick up Ann Dowd on perhaps the most muddled English accent since Dick Van Dyke and allows such normally genuinely decent actors to utter awful dialogue which they all appear to deliver with a knowing sarcasm... none of them have ever been worse.
The Lighthouse (2019)
Metaphor
2 blokes are dropped off for work at a remote lighthouse, one an old hand, the other a novice. Watch and wonder how the problems are as visible as a lighthouse to all but those working in it. Spiral into depression and madness. Spot the nod to the occasional Greek myth right down the last hen pecking
Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020)
It's possible to make a worse movie, but hard
There is a "car chase" at about 25mph, a fight in a bouncy castle baseball bats v guns/knives. Disjointed narrative, McGregor is about as intimidating as cornflakes. It doesn't know who it's audience is. Mercifully short.
Uncut Gems (2019)
May have been a gem if they'd said cut after 10 seconds
Not a single character is worthy of your attention. This is what purports to be male bravado fighting over a dirty rag. It's like watching idiots in a bar pull knives on each other arguing about who can drink fastest.