This documentary is mostly a lot of talk from Will Wheaton and Alex Winter. What they have to do with the production of 80s scifi I don't know, since they were kids at the time, but that's all they could get for this documentary, I guess. If you love Will Wheaton you'll love this documentary. It's basically just a 5 hour documentary about Will Wheaton. I don't like Will Wheaton so I don't like this documentary, but if that's your thing you'll love this one. And I'm not kidding when I say this thing is 5 hours long! Just scroll down and check out the length! It's 5 hours of irrelevant people talking about 80s movies.
Reviews
24 Reviews
Secrets of Big Data
(2022– )
Way too uncritical
2 August 2022
This series is way too uncritical of the subject matter it presents. Any criticism brought up is quickly hand-waved away with "it'll be fine", and it feels like the quick negative arguments brought forth are simply there to provide the veneer of impartiality, while in reality the show is a cheerleader for Big Data. (Did Amazon sponsor this show?)
Also there are absolute no secrets revealed in this show. You've heard about it all before. With a show title like that, I was expecting something like a dark, investigative Netflix style documentary delving into the evil practices of Big Data corporations. Nope. None of that. Just surface level fluff stuff about how AI and Big Data is going to make life so much better, and that it's basically your Lord and Savior.
Oh, one last minor gripe: they keep confusing the terms AI and Big Data throughout the series. While they are adjacent and closely related, they are not the same thing. Not a huge complaint, I know, but it makes the people in the show look ignorant.
Also there are absolute no secrets revealed in this show. You've heard about it all before. With a show title like that, I was expecting something like a dark, investigative Netflix style documentary delving into the evil practices of Big Data corporations. Nope. None of that. Just surface level fluff stuff about how AI and Big Data is going to make life so much better, and that it's basically your Lord and Savior.
Oh, one last minor gripe: they keep confusing the terms AI and Big Data throughout the series. While they are adjacent and closely related, they are not the same thing. Not a huge complaint, I know, but it makes the people in the show look ignorant.
Mind Over Murder
(2022)
Unwatchable
29 July 2022
Gave up in the 3rd episode. A story that could be told in a Dateline episode is stretched out to 6 hours! And boy howdy do they ever stretch with absolutely anything they can think of. They've even invited amateur actors to come in and reenact reports and what not, just to drive up that good ole runtime. Like WHAT?!?! And don't get me started on that annoying producer/interviewer who insists on butting in and break the fourth wall all the time. She's unintelligible for viewer, and probably for the interviewee too. It all adds up to a frustrating BORING experience. I'm actually mad at myself for not turning it off sooner.
Stay away at all cost!
Stay away at all cost!
The Matrix Resurrections
(I) (2021)
"The Force Awakens" of the Matrix universe
22 December 2021
This is "The Force Awakens" of the Matrix universe. It's just a soft reboot, replete with 'memberberries screaming "REMEMBER THIS?!?!"
I'd have more respect for it if it had the balls to do a hard reboot and try to stand on its own. But in stead, just like "The Force Awakens" they have to drag back the old actors so you too can get depressed at how old they've gotten.
It's an utterly pointless soft remake that adds nothing to the table but visual effects. And god knows nobody's impressed with that anymore.
I'd have more respect for it if it had the balls to do a hard reboot and try to stand on its own. But in stead, just like "The Force Awakens" they have to drag back the old actors so you too can get depressed at how old they've gotten.
It's an utterly pointless soft remake that adds nothing to the table but visual effects. And god knows nobody's impressed with that anymore.
Last Night in Soho
(2021)
You like jump scares? Zzzzz...
20 November 2021
Look, my frikkin cat can give me a jump scare. I don't need a Hollywood movie for it. I don't like it when my cat does it. I don't like it when my wife does it. And I certainly don't like it when Hollywood does it. I'm so sick and tired of horror only consisting of jump scares. Has Hollywood completely forgotten suspense, story and creeping you out? If I want to be jump scared I'll stop at a stop sign and close my eyes until someone honks their horn. Do better!
The Green Knight
(2021)
No. Absolutely no.
13 November 2021
This is the kind of crap you'd get if you'd let Denis Villeneuve run amok without any supervision. The director of this movie is unbelievably incompetent, but I blame the producers more for not stepping in and saying "get you crap together". This movie should've never gotten funded, EVER.
Foundation
(2021– )
A Product™, written by committee.
17 October 2021
Don't ask questions, just consume product, and then get excited for next products.
This isn't really a TV series as much as it is an Apple Product. A typical corporate group think product. A monument to Apple's deep pockets. Everything is designed by committee, focus groups, psychologists and marketing people. It's looks slick enough, but offers nothing but cheap emotional manipulation. Melodrama. People endlessly crying. Overly dramatic music. Gender and racial ratios carefully calculated as to not offend anyone on Twitter. People quietly mumbling their lines in weird accents, because that makes it "deep" and "international" I guess. Pointless religious pontification and mysticism. Etc, etc.
What little visual effects there are look ok. But there's not much. Most episodes there's like 20 seconds of effects and then there's endless talking and crying in a room on a set. Plus some other people endlessly talking in another room on another set. And then an outdoor scene. That's pretty much it for every episode.
And boy howdy does the talking get old. It's robotic and droning. Utterly devoid of any and all humor. I'm not asking for a stand-up comedy show here, but come on! A quick joke here and there? Just one per episode? Even just a smile??? Guess not. It's utterly depressing, boring and lacking any charm whatsoever. Did I mention it's boring?
I've seen 5 episodes now and this is it. I give up. I kept thinking that it must get better at some point, but it doesn't. You've wasted 5 hours of my life, and I'll give you no more.
I really wanted to like this. I really did. I love the books and had high hopes. And I'm not even slamming it for them changing the story compared to the books. I knew they were going to do that, and I'm fine what that if they deliver something compelling. Sadly they did not.
This isn't really a TV series as much as it is an Apple Product. A typical corporate group think product. A monument to Apple's deep pockets. Everything is designed by committee, focus groups, psychologists and marketing people. It's looks slick enough, but offers nothing but cheap emotional manipulation. Melodrama. People endlessly crying. Overly dramatic music. Gender and racial ratios carefully calculated as to not offend anyone on Twitter. People quietly mumbling their lines in weird accents, because that makes it "deep" and "international" I guess. Pointless religious pontification and mysticism. Etc, etc.
What little visual effects there are look ok. But there's not much. Most episodes there's like 20 seconds of effects and then there's endless talking and crying in a room on a set. Plus some other people endlessly talking in another room on another set. And then an outdoor scene. That's pretty much it for every episode.
And boy howdy does the talking get old. It's robotic and droning. Utterly devoid of any and all humor. I'm not asking for a stand-up comedy show here, but come on! A quick joke here and there? Just one per episode? Even just a smile??? Guess not. It's utterly depressing, boring and lacking any charm whatsoever. Did I mention it's boring?
I've seen 5 episodes now and this is it. I give up. I kept thinking that it must get better at some point, but it doesn't. You've wasted 5 hours of my life, and I'll give you no more.
I really wanted to like this. I really did. I love the books and had high hopes. And I'm not even slamming it for them changing the story compared to the books. I knew they were going to do that, and I'm fine what that if they deliver something compelling. Sadly they did not.
The Lighthouse
(I) (2019)
Enjoyable... if you are prepared.
5 July 2021
This movie is extremely hard to rate, and I'm sure milage will vary wildly between different reviewers. I've decided to give this an 8 for the reasons I will explain below.
The good: This movie has gorgeous cinematography. The fact that this was shot on ~100 year old camera equipment and film stock makes you wonder why every movie from a 100 years ago didn't look this stunning. The framing and composition are flawless. The set decoration and costume design are perfect, and the lighting is sublime. The acting is breathtaking. I can't even begin to understand how Willem Dafoe was able to memorize his mesmerizing one-take monologue that seemed to go on for minutes, and deliver it with such fervor. (Obviously I'm not an actor.) And Robert Pattinson proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's no one-hit wonder. Both characters are extremely believable and intense.
The bad: The script can at times feel a little empty. I understand that that was probably something the director did on purpose to convey the sense of desolation the characters feel, but it may have gone too far in some places. But my main gripe is with the ending. Yeah yeah, I get it. It harkens back to the myth of Prometheus and all that, but a little more story would've helped so much in assuaging the frustration the ending brings. And yes, I suppose this too was a deliberate choice by the director, and I get it, but it's a little empty. Not enough to ruin the movie, but not something that does it any favors either.
All in all, I enjoyed it and I'd recommend it. But be prepared for a slightly frustrating ending.
The good: This movie has gorgeous cinematography. The fact that this was shot on ~100 year old camera equipment and film stock makes you wonder why every movie from a 100 years ago didn't look this stunning. The framing and composition are flawless. The set decoration and costume design are perfect, and the lighting is sublime. The acting is breathtaking. I can't even begin to understand how Willem Dafoe was able to memorize his mesmerizing one-take monologue that seemed to go on for minutes, and deliver it with such fervor. (Obviously I'm not an actor.) And Robert Pattinson proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's no one-hit wonder. Both characters are extremely believable and intense.
The bad: The script can at times feel a little empty. I understand that that was probably something the director did on purpose to convey the sense of desolation the characters feel, but it may have gone too far in some places. But my main gripe is with the ending. Yeah yeah, I get it. It harkens back to the myth of Prometheus and all that, but a little more story would've helped so much in assuaging the frustration the ending brings. And yes, I suppose this too was a deliberate choice by the director, and I get it, but it's a little empty. Not enough to ruin the movie, but not something that does it any favors either.
All in all, I enjoyed it and I'd recommend it. But be prepared for a slightly frustrating ending.
Game Night
(I) (2018)
As good as it gets in today's day and age.
5 July 2021
This movie isn't perfect but I would say it's as good as it gets in today's day and age, when comedies can't be even slightly edgy or offensive in any way, shape or form. So for playing within those (unfortunate) rules, the movie pleasantly surprised me. Some jokes even made me laugh hysterically, which is uncommon for me, so all in all it's a win for this movie. I lost it at the "On no! He died!" joke. Well done. (You'll know what I'm talking about when you see the movie.) Sure, some jokes are overplayed, but not enough for it to ruin the movie. A bit of suspense, a bit of mystery, some plot twists and some genuinely funny jokes make this movie a nice choice for a low-investment "let's just have some fun" Sunday night movie.
A Ghost Story
(2017)
2001: A Ghost Story
26 June 2021
If you like 2001: A Space Odyssey you'll love this. Yes, it's slightly boring and some scenes take a long time, just like in 2001, but if you're prepared for that, it's extremely enjoyable. It's more of an experience than a "story" and it perfectly illustrates the loneliness of being a ghost. Some people will say it's to cold and empty, but that's exactly the point. If ghosts were real you'd better believe it'd be empty and boring being one. It's beautifully shot and conveys the the emotional experience perfectly.
True, this isn't for everyone, but, like I said, if you are PREPARED this will be an amazing experience.
True, this isn't for everyone, but, like I said, if you are PREPARED this will be an amazing experience.
Raised by Wolves
(2020–2022)
Slow, depressing, pretentious and BORING.
28 October 2020
Apparently Ridley Scott can only do the same thing over and over now. Robots with white blood, depressing desolate landscapes, vapid pseudo-religious pontification, pretentious meaningless waffling on human/robot reproduction, monsters gestating in females. Where have we seen this before eh?
The series also suffer from extremely low production values, bad CGI, and a general B-movie feel. The acting is stilted and wooden, and I'm not just talking about the robots. There is literally not a single likable character in this thing.
But most of all it's boring. Hours of tediously tedious tediousness. Oh and did I mention it's boring?
The series also suffer from extremely low production values, bad CGI, and a general B-movie feel. The acting is stilted and wooden, and I'm not just talking about the robots. There is literally not a single likable character in this thing.
But most of all it's boring. Hours of tediously tedious tediousness. Oh and did I mention it's boring?
The Endless
(I) (2017)
It's ironic...
8 May 2020
It's ironic that they named their movie The Endless, because that's exactly what this movie feels like. It contains endless time loops and boy howdy that's exactly how the viewer feels! It has no story, just some events that lead nowhere. No character development. Nothing at all to hold your interest. The characters are flat and uninteresting and the dialogue is straight up boring and uninspired. Just give this one a pass.
How embarrassing!!!
30 June 2019
OMG, there are so many anachronisms and incongruities in this movie that it's just IMPOSSIBLE to enjoy! This was made in England, and it seems like no one involved with the movie had ever even been to the USA. Let's break it down...
Incongruities / mistakes: 1. Crime scene tape is not white and blue in the US, it's suppose to be black and yellow. 2. We have door knobs over here, not door handles. 3. Police officials don't hold press conferences sitting down behind a rickety class room table in the US, they have a podium, or will possible hold the press conference outside the police building. 4. We don't have heat radiators in our individual offices. Offices have central heating. 5. The radiators in the detective's home are also distinctly British. 6. Several UK power outlets and light switches are visible thought out the movie. Jesus Christ you guys, how lazy are you?? 7. The police wouldn't arrest a notorious serial killer with just two guys with handguns and no bulletproof vests. 8. Main character's badge looks like something you buy off of eBay for a costume party.
Anachronisms / incorrect time: 1. In there very first scene at the bar there is a text plate stating it's 1978, but there's Electronic Dance Music (EDM) playing in the bar. In 1978?? WTF?? 2. The detective's computer is about almost 10 years to new for the time frame. 3. Police car outside the bar where the cops meet is probably 40(!) years to new! It's a brand new contemporary car, for christ's sake! 4. They didn't have HDTV or 3D motion graphics in news shows in the early 80s. 5. Ted Bundy's hair is all wrong. It looks like a modern haircut, which of course it is. 6. When we jump forward to 1989, the TV cameras are too new. They're just normal contemporary cameras. And again, contemporary cars are seen.
And then we get to the absolutely ridiculous American accents the actors put on. They're NOT EVEN CLOSE to sounding American. They sound like walking cliches of what a European might think an American sounds like, based off of 3 movies. This alone makes impossible for me to judge whether they're just horrible C-grade actors, or if they could possibly act if they got to stick to British English.
But the biggest problem--it's cardinal sin--is that it's just plain BORING!
I'm giving it a 2 since I guess technically it's not the absolute worst movie I've ever seen. But NOT MANY are worse. Stay away!
Incongruities / mistakes: 1. Crime scene tape is not white and blue in the US, it's suppose to be black and yellow. 2. We have door knobs over here, not door handles. 3. Police officials don't hold press conferences sitting down behind a rickety class room table in the US, they have a podium, or will possible hold the press conference outside the police building. 4. We don't have heat radiators in our individual offices. Offices have central heating. 5. The radiators in the detective's home are also distinctly British. 6. Several UK power outlets and light switches are visible thought out the movie. Jesus Christ you guys, how lazy are you?? 7. The police wouldn't arrest a notorious serial killer with just two guys with handguns and no bulletproof vests. 8. Main character's badge looks like something you buy off of eBay for a costume party.
Anachronisms / incorrect time: 1. In there very first scene at the bar there is a text plate stating it's 1978, but there's Electronic Dance Music (EDM) playing in the bar. In 1978?? WTF?? 2. The detective's computer is about almost 10 years to new for the time frame. 3. Police car outside the bar where the cops meet is probably 40(!) years to new! It's a brand new contemporary car, for christ's sake! 4. They didn't have HDTV or 3D motion graphics in news shows in the early 80s. 5. Ted Bundy's hair is all wrong. It looks like a modern haircut, which of course it is. 6. When we jump forward to 1989, the TV cameras are too new. They're just normal contemporary cameras. And again, contemporary cars are seen.
And then we get to the absolutely ridiculous American accents the actors put on. They're NOT EVEN CLOSE to sounding American. They sound like walking cliches of what a European might think an American sounds like, based off of 3 movies. This alone makes impossible for me to judge whether they're just horrible C-grade actors, or if they could possibly act if they got to stick to British English.
But the biggest problem--it's cardinal sin--is that it's just plain BORING!
I'm giving it a 2 since I guess technically it's not the absolute worst movie I've ever seen. But NOT MANY are worse. Stay away!
This is how you do it!
1 March 2019
Attacked by CGI... again.
1 March 2019
Absolute garbage. The plot is so utterly confusing that I don't think even the writers know what's going on. The whole show seem to operate on the assumption that if we just throw more CGI at the screen people will be distracted enough not to notice that nothing of interest ever happens. Time rifts, squidbots from the Matrix, just keep throwing that CGI, guys. Oh, and throw in some Kung Fu while you're at it! *sigh* There's so many sub plots and B-plots and C-plots going on that if you ever missed 10 seconds of one episode months ago, you're screwed. Who's writing this? The team who wrote "Lost"?
This show always leaves me feeling violated for having watched it.
This show always leaves me feeling violated for having watched it.
Battle Drone
(2018)
Not the worst movie. And not the best.
6 February 2019
This is certainly not the worst movie in the world. But it's also nowhere near being the best. It's a fairly standard affair.
You've got the standard cliché characters: The fearless leader, the russian muscle guy, the bad-ass chick, the complete psycho, the airhead girl, the martial arts dude, etc, etc. And then you have the standard bad guys: The heartless weapons dealer, the corrupt general, the shifty CIA-man.
You've got the standard plot: The team gets double crossed and have to fighter killer robots and seek revenge on the gad guys.
The good: Pretty good CGI. Casting was pretty good, and I had no issue with the acting. It's not Oscar material, mind you, but again it's standard fair for an action movie.
The bad: While some fight scenes are good, they over-use slow motion WAY to much. It gets old quick. And I also could not suspend my disbelief over how much ammunition the robots seemed to have. Like thousands of rounds per robot, and yet the gun they're carrying is smaller than a P90. Maybe that's nitpicking, but it bothered me.
All in all, a standard B-level action movie. Competently executed, but with flaws.
So... if you really like killer robot movies, I'd say it's ... fine. But if you want to see a B-movie with killer robots done even better, you might want to look up "Kill Command".
You've got the standard cliché characters: The fearless leader, the russian muscle guy, the bad-ass chick, the complete psycho, the airhead girl, the martial arts dude, etc, etc. And then you have the standard bad guys: The heartless weapons dealer, the corrupt general, the shifty CIA-man.
You've got the standard plot: The team gets double crossed and have to fighter killer robots and seek revenge on the gad guys.
The good: Pretty good CGI. Casting was pretty good, and I had no issue with the acting. It's not Oscar material, mind you, but again it's standard fair for an action movie.
The bad: While some fight scenes are good, they over-use slow motion WAY to much. It gets old quick. And I also could not suspend my disbelief over how much ammunition the robots seemed to have. Like thousands of rounds per robot, and yet the gun they're carrying is smaller than a P90. Maybe that's nitpicking, but it bothered me.
All in all, a standard B-level action movie. Competently executed, but with flaws.
So... if you really like killer robot movies, I'd say it's ... fine. But if you want to see a B-movie with killer robots done even better, you might want to look up "Kill Command".
Occupation
(2018)
This isn't a film...
5 February 2019
This isn't a film, it's a two hour public service announcement saying "Can't we all just get along?". If you like paying to watch propaganda then this is the film for you.
For normal people, who go to the movies to enjoy an exciting adventure and not have political messages shoved down their throat, STAY AWAY for this movie! They should be paying YOU to watch this! And even if they did, you shouldn't accept the offer!
It's boring and badly - and I do mean BADLY - written. It's about an hour too long. The makeup effects are laughable; basically straight out of an 80s B movie, and to top it off, they ripped most of it off of Falling Skies. The direction is terrible. The characters are illogical and idiotic. The CGI is lack-luster, like a SyFy original. The cinematography is OK-ish at best. But most of all, it'll make you cringe from embarrassment that you spent two hours of your life to watch "Kumbaya from Space"
STEER CLEAR!
For normal people, who go to the movies to enjoy an exciting adventure and not have political messages shoved down their throat, STAY AWAY for this movie! They should be paying YOU to watch this! And even if they did, you shouldn't accept the offer!
It's boring and badly - and I do mean BADLY - written. It's about an hour too long. The makeup effects are laughable; basically straight out of an 80s B movie, and to top it off, they ripped most of it off of Falling Skies. The direction is terrible. The characters are illogical and idiotic. The CGI is lack-luster, like a SyFy original. The cinematography is OK-ish at best. But most of all, it'll make you cringe from embarrassment that you spent two hours of your life to watch "Kumbaya from Space"
STEER CLEAR!
Kill Command
(2016)
10 out of 10, for a B-movie.
31 July 2016
This is exactly what a B-movie should be like! They knew their budget constraints and made sure to make a movie that would look good within that budget. Far too many B-movie producers mistakenly believe that they'll somehow magically be able to create an epic $100 million movie, for a 20th of the price.
This movie doesn't do that. It knows what it is, and how much money it's got, and spends it wisely. And let me tell you, everything looks gorgeous! That boss robot is the creepiest design I've seen since the original Terminator.
The acting is surprisingly good, if a tad bit on the low-key side. But hey, at least they're not over playing and hamming it up like Shatner's Kirk, like so many B-movies. :) And besides, the low-key acting actually works well in this movie. I can definitely see everyone involved, from the actors and director, to the cameramen and VFX people moving up to the A-list if they got the chance to work with a bigger budget.
The camera work is really nice, with very competent focus while working with a beautifully short depth-of-field, which is far too often left out of B-movies or otherwise botched. Not here though; in this movie the cameramen knew what they were doing.
The only bad thing you can say about this movie is that script could've probably used a rewrite from big-time Hollywood scriptwriter. There's nothing terribly wrong with it, it just lacks that last 5% to make it a true classic. You know, the difference between a good movie, and an excellent movie that develops a cult following, and a line of merchandise. :)
Overall a solid 10 out of 10, for a B-movie. Compared to all movies I'd probably give it a 7, and I recommend all sci-fi fans to check it out!
This movie doesn't do that. It knows what it is, and how much money it's got, and spends it wisely. And let me tell you, everything looks gorgeous! That boss robot is the creepiest design I've seen since the original Terminator.
The acting is surprisingly good, if a tad bit on the low-key side. But hey, at least they're not over playing and hamming it up like Shatner's Kirk, like so many B-movies. :) And besides, the low-key acting actually works well in this movie. I can definitely see everyone involved, from the actors and director, to the cameramen and VFX people moving up to the A-list if they got the chance to work with a bigger budget.
The camera work is really nice, with very competent focus while working with a beautifully short depth-of-field, which is far too often left out of B-movies or otherwise botched. Not here though; in this movie the cameramen knew what they were doing.
The only bad thing you can say about this movie is that script could've probably used a rewrite from big-time Hollywood scriptwriter. There's nothing terribly wrong with it, it just lacks that last 5% to make it a true classic. You know, the difference between a good movie, and an excellent movie that develops a cult following, and a line of merchandise. :)
Overall a solid 10 out of 10, for a B-movie. Compared to all movies I'd probably give it a 7, and I recommend all sci-fi fans to check it out!
Takes a the original to a whole new level, and still falls short.
8 March 2014
I know what you're going to say: The original is sooo much better. No it isn't! The hell it is! The original bored me to tears! The characters were so two-dimensional it's scary. The direction was so non-existent that I'm guessing the director just phoned it in.
I thought Fincher would remedy that. But, uh-uh. This is more of the same. Granted, Fincher has an eye for the visual. And this version is at least pretty to look at. And the music is good, as well as the sound editing. So there's that. But that Lisbeth girl is still a ROBOT! If you're going to have Mr Data in your movie then at least have the decency to call it sci-fi!
The story still feels like it was written by a 10-year old. Inconsistent, haphazard, incongruous and cobbled together. It feels like this story was written with the "time honored" tradition of "story-telling by dice". "Let's see what they do next! *Rolling the dice* Oh! All of a sudden the 18 year old mentally incompetent girl has to go to bed with the 50 year dude! Yeah! Good work, dice!" Christ...
Still. It IS a rather large improvement over the Swedish version, which had the same idiotic story, except it had terrible actors, atrocious photography, worthless music, and no direction. So in that sense this is a triumph! At least this movie gets everything right except for the story and character direction.
So where the Swedish version got a 1 from me, this one gets a 4. But make no mistake; it's still a bad movie. But it's not a train-wreck like the Swedish version.
I thought Fincher would remedy that. But, uh-uh. This is more of the same. Granted, Fincher has an eye for the visual. And this version is at least pretty to look at. And the music is good, as well as the sound editing. So there's that. But that Lisbeth girl is still a ROBOT! If you're going to have Mr Data in your movie then at least have the decency to call it sci-fi!
The story still feels like it was written by a 10-year old. Inconsistent, haphazard, incongruous and cobbled together. It feels like this story was written with the "time honored" tradition of "story-telling by dice". "Let's see what they do next! *Rolling the dice* Oh! All of a sudden the 18 year old mentally incompetent girl has to go to bed with the 50 year dude! Yeah! Good work, dice!" Christ...
Still. It IS a rather large improvement over the Swedish version, which had the same idiotic story, except it had terrible actors, atrocious photography, worthless music, and no direction. So in that sense this is a triumph! At least this movie gets everything right except for the story and character direction.
So where the Swedish version got a 1 from me, this one gets a 4. But make no mistake; it's still a bad movie. But it's not a train-wreck like the Swedish version.
First Orbit
(2011)
I'm feeling great. Not.
2 October 2013
If you want to hear someone saying "I'm feeling great" in Russian a hundred and fifty thousand times, this is the film for you. For everyone else: You should avoid it.
My god! It's not often that someone manages to take a really interesting subject and make it into a snooze fest. There was a real opportunity here. I love the space race, and I would've loved to see a documentary that finally did justice to the Russian part of it. But no. Instead you get an hour and a half of NASA stock footage, with Russian radio recordings as "voice-over"... With subtitles.
Need I go on?
My god! It's not often that someone manages to take a really interesting subject and make it into a snooze fest. There was a real opportunity here. I love the space race, and I would've loved to see a documentary that finally did justice to the Russian part of it. But no. Instead you get an hour and a half of NASA stock footage, with Russian radio recordings as "voice-over"... With subtitles.
Need I go on?
Joe Rogan Questions Everything
(2013– )
Investigative documentary - Redneck Island meets Ice Road Truckers style.
16 August 2013
If you ever wondered if bad production could make you lose interest in a subject, here's your answer! I can't even begin to tell you how bad this show is! It's led by a numb-nut who seems to have lived under a rock for 30 years... Which of course he hasn't. So he's just acting. Badly. Acting surprised at whatever the producers shove in front of his face. He's like a one month old baby discovering he has hands. Whooptee-doo! And for good measure they add all the cliché sound effects and editing tricks from Ice Road Truckers, et viola! The most artificially inflated reality/"documentary" show since "Ancient Aliens".
Here's some advice for the host: Since all of your merits consist of marshal arts achievements, please stick to making bad action films, or possibly documentaries about marshal arts. If all else fails, run for governor! But leave the science documentaries to Morgan Freeman! To the producers: For the love of God, give the "Ice Road Truckers sound effects library" a rest already! To all others: Avoid at all cost!
Here's some advice for the host: Since all of your merits consist of marshal arts achievements, please stick to making bad action films, or possibly documentaries about marshal arts. If all else fails, run for governor! But leave the science documentaries to Morgan Freeman! To the producers: For the love of God, give the "Ice Road Truckers sound effects library" a rest already! To all others: Avoid at all cost!
Lexx
(1996–2002)
Absolutely awful! Watch Farscape instead.
5 May 2011
This is the story of a bunch of escaped prisoners who travel on a gigantic living ship. You've got the average guy, the skillful warrior, the slutty girl. the little whiny one, and the plant girl. Sound familiar? Well, it should. This is basically Farscape if drunken monkeys would have made it. Now, I know what you're going to say: Lexx actually came out almost 2 years before Farscape, but considering pre-production, production and post-production, I'm confident that they didn't actually rip each other off. They were both products of their time. One was good, and one sucked. The one that sucked starts with an L and ends with an X.
You need more? OK. The visual effects SUCK. You can catch MUCH better effects from second grade film students. There's really no way to describe how bad the effects are without going into a lot of boring technical details. Suffice it to say, the effects seem to be made in PowerPoint. By the aforementioned drunken monkeys. On acid. While sleeping. And they're blind!
The music: What music? More drunken monkey stuff. The same three 15-seconds sound loops get used, and re-used, through-out the entire series. This must be the laziest soundtrack composer of all time!
Now for the really horrible part of Lexx; the story: My God. No character development. At all. Ever. I mean it! NOT EVER. It seems to be written for 12 year old boys, who've just discovered girls. You won't find a more insulting and misogynous collection of completely uninteresting stories. But hey, if you're 12 years old and willing to suffer through 46 minutes of mind- numbing boredom to see 6 seconds of gratuitous topless nudity, then this show is for you! I can't figure out what the story writers were aiming for. Women are sexual objects, men are sex-crazed, evil is evil for no reason, and dead people can apparently walk around. What's up with that? And another thing; Every episode contains about enough story material for a 10 minute show, but they drag it out... and out... for 46 minutes!! Every scene is at least 5 times too long!
In short, to round things up; watch Farscape instead, you'll live longer.
You need more? OK. The visual effects SUCK. You can catch MUCH better effects from second grade film students. There's really no way to describe how bad the effects are without going into a lot of boring technical details. Suffice it to say, the effects seem to be made in PowerPoint. By the aforementioned drunken monkeys. On acid. While sleeping. And they're blind!
The music: What music? More drunken monkey stuff. The same three 15-seconds sound loops get used, and re-used, through-out the entire series. This must be the laziest soundtrack composer of all time!
Now for the really horrible part of Lexx; the story: My God. No character development. At all. Ever. I mean it! NOT EVER. It seems to be written for 12 year old boys, who've just discovered girls. You won't find a more insulting and misogynous collection of completely uninteresting stories. But hey, if you're 12 years old and willing to suffer through 46 minutes of mind- numbing boredom to see 6 seconds of gratuitous topless nudity, then this show is for you! I can't figure out what the story writers were aiming for. Women are sexual objects, men are sex-crazed, evil is evil for no reason, and dead people can apparently walk around. What's up with that? And another thing; Every episode contains about enough story material for a 10 minute show, but they drag it out... and out... for 46 minutes!! Every scene is at least 5 times too long!
In short, to round things up; watch Farscape instead, you'll live longer.
Skyline
(2010)
OMG, that's an hour and a half I wish I could take back.
31 January 2011
Warning: Spoilers
I've heard some amazing statements about this movie. I'm starting to wonder if maybe the directors are behind those statements. "Way better than Alien vs Predator: Requiem" was one. Dude, AVPR is a rosy dream compared to this. "This blew Independence Day away" was another. Well again, dude, ID is a masterpiece in comparison. Really! And there are SOOOO many things wrong with ID, but those things are all OK with me in comparison to this thing! Jeezz!
Actually - and I kid you not - I found myself pausing the movie about 20 minutes in, and telling myself: "I will never again criticize Roland Emmerich for his short character introductions!". (And I usually hate Roland Emmerich's short and lacking character introductions.) This thing starts with a TV-show teaser that shows you what is going to happen, i.e. the invasion, then we go back in time 15 hours, like some bad episode of "The Event". And then we have to live through 20 minutes of completely useless "character development" to get to that point again. "Character development" of characters that are utterly annoying, and that we care nothing for. By the time we catch up to "real time" we hope and pray that these morons will be exterminated by the aliens as quickly as possible!
Usually, for the story to make any sense, we start out with a bunch of ordinary people caught up in extraordinary circumstances, who then rise to the occasion and discover talents they didn't know they had. This movie however, is about a bunch of morons who are caught up in extraordinary circumstances, and then continue to be just as moronic, through-out the entire film. They don't evolve, they don't find hidden talents or resources. They are just as uninteresting and unimportant in the end, as when the movie started.
OK, so now for the spoiler bit: I'm sure the screenwriter thought he was very clever when he wrote this thing; with the aliens winning and all... But what's the point? I'm sure we all realize that we wouldn't stand a chance against aliens that traveled here from across the galaxy. But we'd all like to think that we'd have some chance of avoiding being squashed like bugs. Otherwise the movie is just pointless, and you're just wasting my time!
If you like CGI for the sake of CGI however, I'm sure you'll like this thing. I, on the other hand, who work with CGI, don't ever want to see this thing again! Ever!
You have been warned!
Actually - and I kid you not - I found myself pausing the movie about 20 minutes in, and telling myself: "I will never again criticize Roland Emmerich for his short character introductions!". (And I usually hate Roland Emmerich's short and lacking character introductions.) This thing starts with a TV-show teaser that shows you what is going to happen, i.e. the invasion, then we go back in time 15 hours, like some bad episode of "The Event". And then we have to live through 20 minutes of completely useless "character development" to get to that point again. "Character development" of characters that are utterly annoying, and that we care nothing for. By the time we catch up to "real time" we hope and pray that these morons will be exterminated by the aliens as quickly as possible!
Usually, for the story to make any sense, we start out with a bunch of ordinary people caught up in extraordinary circumstances, who then rise to the occasion and discover talents they didn't know they had. This movie however, is about a bunch of morons who are caught up in extraordinary circumstances, and then continue to be just as moronic, through-out the entire film. They don't evolve, they don't find hidden talents or resources. They are just as uninteresting and unimportant in the end, as when the movie started.
OK, so now for the spoiler bit: I'm sure the screenwriter thought he was very clever when he wrote this thing; with the aliens winning and all... But what's the point? I'm sure we all realize that we wouldn't stand a chance against aliens that traveled here from across the galaxy. But we'd all like to think that we'd have some chance of avoiding being squashed like bugs. Otherwise the movie is just pointless, and you're just wasting my time!
If you like CGI for the sake of CGI however, I'm sure you'll like this thing. I, on the other hand, who work with CGI, don't ever want to see this thing again! Ever!
You have been warned!
The Wild Blue Yonder
(2005)
A Herzog sell-out.
15 January 2011
The only possible reason why anyone would ever watch this god-awful "movie" is because Herzog's name is on it. It's around 1 hour 15 minutes of off-the-shelf NASA stock footage - which anyone can download off the internet - along with exerts from some interviews of half-baked, dreamy-eyed scientist talking about outlandish theories that may or may not be feasible in about 5000 years. And these interviews, I'm sure, are not meant for this production either, but simply lectures from some Discovery Channel science program.
Add to that, an utterly annoying soundtrack of Nazi-era German soprano/opera, and some tribal folk music - all mixed at levels that make you cringe - and you have a recipe for agony.
Then you have the ridiculous narrative, or "story". Now, I like Brad Dourif as much as the next guy. Actually I think he's a great actor, and the total failure of this "movie" is certainly not his fault. But the narrative that he is forced to act out is really far, far beyond silly. I mean, take "Invasion of the body snatchers" times "Independence Day" powered by "The Wizard of Oz", and you'll still have a story that is more believable than this thing!
So to summarize; Take about bunch of stock footage off the internet, edit it together in no particular order, add some exerts of interviews with some NASA eggheads that you found on Discovery, slap on the most annoying music you can find, and then hire an actor to narrate a "space story", which has nothing to do with the images or footage that you are seeing - and then you'll have this movie.
I guess Herzog was running behind on his mortgage and asked himself "what can I come up with before the end of the week?". Well, this is it! You have been warned.
Add to that, an utterly annoying soundtrack of Nazi-era German soprano/opera, and some tribal folk music - all mixed at levels that make you cringe - and you have a recipe for agony.
Then you have the ridiculous narrative, or "story". Now, I like Brad Dourif as much as the next guy. Actually I think he's a great actor, and the total failure of this "movie" is certainly not his fault. But the narrative that he is forced to act out is really far, far beyond silly. I mean, take "Invasion of the body snatchers" times "Independence Day" powered by "The Wizard of Oz", and you'll still have a story that is more believable than this thing!
So to summarize; Take about bunch of stock footage off the internet, edit it together in no particular order, add some exerts of interviews with some NASA eggheads that you found on Discovery, slap on the most annoying music you can find, and then hire an actor to narrate a "space story", which has nothing to do with the images or footage that you are seeing - and then you'll have this movie.
I guess Herzog was running behind on his mortgage and asked himself "what can I come up with before the end of the week?". Well, this is it! You have been warned.
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