Change Your Image
adamtanaka
Reviews
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
a bland disappointment
Scott's long-awaited crusades epic arrives a major disappointment, a flat, sermonising and often inexorably dull adventure, it follows in the footsteps of similar disasters Troy and Alexander, possibly proving that historical epics, as a genre, may be well and truly dead.
Of course, it being Scott, the whole thing looks very pretty, and the film's one exceptional asset is Edward Norton's leper king- but he's the only vaguely exceptional thing, and he dies half way through anyway. The script, in the end, is the main enemy here: bland, historically inaccurate and mercilessly sheared, with every scene ending suddenly as soon as it starts, it's filled with vapid dialogue and clunky set-pieces. Of all its flaws, though, there is one well and truly disastrous one- the characters, every single one, are paper-thin, and their story is stretched to say the least.
Bloom's character, which we learn next to nothing about, is as dull as heroes get, Neeson's brief appearance as his estranged father (why they're estranged we're never told) rings hollow, Gleeson and Csokas' laughable Templar knight villains are just stupid- every single character is as shallow as a puddle, and consequently the film has no emotional pull whatsoever.
And that, in the end, is the film's undoing; sure, the battles look nice (even though they're all ripped off from other, better films like Lord of the Rings), some of the sequences technically brilliant, and most of the performances adequate, but when we don't give a toss about anything that's going on, we quickly lose all interest.
And, no, the gloating parallels it attempts to draw with today's heated situation in the Middle East don't work. At all.
Batman Begins (2005)
Great fun...but still far behind Burton
Expectations were high for Nolan's resuscitation of a franchise killed off by neon nipples and camp overdrive; in the end, the final result, while certainly enjoyable, lacks both the edge and the artistry that one would hope for.
One can't fault Nolan's good intentions, but the action sequences are repetitive and dreadfully choreographed, the music is deafening, and while his attempts to ground the story in reality are certainly laudable, it means that the whole thing ends up looking rather dull- certainly when compared to the gleeful Gothic beauty of Burton's Gotham city.
Still, Batman Begins is ahead of most summer blockbusters in terms of intelligence, and Nolan's audacious decision to keep the pointy ears under wraps for the first hour certainly pays off. But the whole thing's almost too ambitious- there are far too many villains, the plot's way too far-fetched, and Holmes' taser-wielding love interest just looks lost: only Freeman, Caine and Wilkinson create anything resembling a character- Bale's Batman is pretty good too, him being one of the few able to bring out the darkness in Bruce Wayne. But these are talented actors, and they'll generally do well in the most thankless of parts.
In the end, the main problem is that the film feels uncomfortable with itself: it's not really sure what it is, and never settles down. Is it a mindless piece of superhero popcorn fodder, replete with corny lines and silly master-plans? Or is it a dark psychological drama, as its first hour hints at? What is it?
The Ice Storm (1997)
very impressive, surreal and artistic
A maelstrom of repressed emotions and sexual desires are let loose in this beautifully restrained drama, a gem that glimmers with surreal originality and delicate poise; it's not easy to describe the slightly dreamy experience of watching it, but there's something so meticulous and striking about every shot and every expression that you can't help admiring the craft that must have gone into its making. And it must have been considerable, with Lee perfectly recreating both the look and the feel of the '70s, in everything from the clothes to the slightly grainy film used. All in all, it's a stunning creation, perceptive and heartbreaking, made all the more fascinating when you realise this tragically accurate slice of Americana was made by a foreigner. Perhaps too restrained and slow for some- but all should be able to admire the stunning artistry on display.
The Conqueror (1956)
disastrous ego-trip
John Wayne. Genghis Khan.
It sounds like a bad joke, but no; in the ultimate ego-trip, Wayne, sporting a ridiculous moustache, has landed himself in one of the worst films ever made, an embarrassing, ludicrous historical epic, which plays more like a cruddy Oriental western than the sweeping Asian drama it would like to be.
It really is a disastrous affair, shamelessly misogynistic, woodenly acted, filled with appalling dialogue like 'the city will fall like a ripe plum', this is one vanity project that should never have seen the light of day.
Bless the Child (2000)
yet another 'possessed child' piece of crap
Kim Basinger looks bored stiff- as well she should- in this dreadful pseudo-religious garbage, yet another exasperating 'possessed child' movie, though this time there's a slight twist. This kid's meant to be the Messiah, not Satan, so instead of devils with horns we get shiny white lights floating around which are meant to be angels. Leery-eyed villain Sewell tries hard to conceal his British accent, Ricci makes a brief appearance before her head gets chopped off, Holm turns up to spew some crap about something or other
it's hard to care what's going on, even with the talented cast, because the dialogue is so bad and the countless plot-holes so huge that you're left with one question. Did any of them read the script before signing on?
Blade: Trinity (2004)
dreadful garbage. the franchise has been sucked bone-dry.
The Blade franchise runs out of steam- spectacularly so- with this deadening all-on assault of video-game movie-making. There's nothing vaguely new or interesting here, from the sub-par special effects to the confusing action sequences, and the shameless product placement- 'She listens to her iPod when she goes into battle'- is bound to leave you disgusted. To add insult to injury, Dominic Purcell appears as the screen's most embarrassing Dracula- or 'Drake', as he's known now. Three syllables too long to remember? Strutting around like he's just walked out of a Calvin Klein photo-shoot, he's even worse than Ryan Reynolds' 'comic' relief character, who spews out wisecracking one-liners at such a rate one could quite happily throttle him. At least there won't be any Blade: Quadrilogy.
Beyond the Sea (2004)
alright, but nothing special
Superficial biopic which fails for the most part simply because its story, that of Frank Sinatra-lite singer Bobby Darin, is just not very interesting; Darin's a pretty nice person, he does pretty nice things, bla, bla, bla, then he dies, the end.
Still, despite its predictable rags-to-riches storyline and a misjudged, hideously sappy sub-plot about Darin coming to terms with his childhood (or something like that), it remains a fairly appealing concoction thanks to Spacey's dependable presence- he can sing, too- and surprisingly sound technical skills; the whole film looks great.
It's just a shame he can't bring the same emotion that he gives to his acting behind the camera, so that, even if on the surface his creation looks nice- there's absolutely nothing going on beneath.
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
bad...but would you ever expect otherwise?
If ever a film did not need a sequel, it was Anaconda, an appallingly bad monster movie, which, despite a star-studded cast, managed to raise more laughs than scares. Still, it sadly went on to gross a lot of cash
so here's the continuation, ready for digestion.
Thankfully, this one's not quite as bad as the first; the snake actually looks realistic, which is nice, and there is at least a vague semblance of plot. On the other hand the anacondas, who are after all the stars, make only three brief appearances before the ludicrous conclusion- the rest of the movie involves a bunch of beautiful people trekking around the jungle and arguing, which is, needless to say, inexorably dull.
If it's a monster movie, let's at least have some monsters
All About Eve (1950)
spectacularly good...
In 1950 there were two great satirical melodramas aiming for the Best Picture statuette. The one that walked away triumphant was this mordant examination of theatrical backstabbing, while Billy Wilder's majestic masterpiece Sunset Boulevard was left empty-handed.
While perhaps falling just short of the latter's sweeping splendor, this scabrous classic still stands high on the list of the greatest films of all time.
With a heaven-sent script packed with sharp dialogue and biting one-liners, and blessed with a raft of terrific performances, most memorable Bette Davis' aging actress Margo Channing, this sparkles with multi-layered brilliance.
Also to look out for is an early appearance by Marilyn Monroe as an actress so bad she 'might as well have been riding a pogo stick for all the difference it would have made'.
If only all films could be this good.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
crud, frankly
Inspiration in 20th Century Fox offices must have reached rock bottom for someone to come up with an idea as stupid as melding their two most successful horror franchises into one.
But then, to make matters worse they had to go and hire the worst director in the business: Paul WS Anderson. Why? How desperate were they? In any case, the result is a deadening, plot less disaster, woefully acted and filled with some of the clunkiest special effects this side of a Star Trek episode- remember the Alien's first, majestic appearance in Ridley Scott's original? John Hurt, catching sight of that egg, seeing the slight movement, peering over into it
Now, instead of that beautifully maintained suspense, aliens burst out of eggs and fly across rooms in slow-motion, Matrix-style. Must say something about the differences between the cinema of the 1970s and that of today.
Whatever the cinematic significance of the film, it's not really worth discussing: the thing's trash, pure and simple. And when the two stars finally meet, they have an incomprehensible, barely visible scrap-fight in the dark. What an anti-climax.
The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse (2005)
one of the best TV series-movies
There are two ways to turn a TV series into a film.
The first, most common, and least successful, is to basically make a feature-length TV episode- see the disasters of the Steptoe & Son movie. The second is to do something else- something quite different, à la Monty Python.
Thankfully, the creators of the cult TV series have gone for the second option, and they've come up with something unique, clever and funny- it couldn't feel less like a TV episode.
Try to get your head around this- the writers, playing themselves, are confronted by their Royston Vasey alter-egos, played, of course, by them, and told to continue writing the series, otherwise apocalypse will befall the village.
High-concept, contrived and easy to screw up? Yes, but somehow they managed to pull it off. Not for every taste, perhaps, and the ending does drag, but fans will be delighted, and it might even win over the uninitiated.