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Reviews
Lat sau san taam (1992)
Screw The Matrix: Hard Boiled > J00
Seriously, Hard Boiled is THE action movie. It's got guns, karate, gunfights, explosions, plot, suspense, artistic beauty, a high body count, realistic fx (as opposed to CGI), ammo, C4, covert missions, mafia hits, raids, hostage situations, Bullet Time, and even full-blown war (which beats the LOTR:TT climax in sheer action). Even the Matrix can't step to this masterpiece.
'Nuff said.
Shuang tong (2002)
Enjoyable *Vague Spoilers*
This flick is worth seeing simply becase the plot stays pretty unpretentious throughout the whole movie. The two main characters, Huo-tu and Kevin, are living, breathing humans, a refreshing change than those of most East-Meets-West stereotypes, where the local cop is a kung-fu god and the FBI agent/US cop cares only about the mission and nothing else. Here, every character has human problems, even the inhuman enemy behind it all. Even in the mind-trip ending, the actor manages to retain that human touch to what would otherwise be a melodramatic performance. Check it out if you want to see some interesting and original character dynamics.
Solaris (2002)
Absolutely Beautiful
This movie opened my eyes! I had always thought recent sci-fi movies were all style and no substance... It is great that, after such a long pause, such a deep, intense SF story has finally been adapted for the screen!
Ngo si seoi (1998)
Boooring...
Besides the weirdness of watching a Chinese movie with a prodominanantly (sp?) Western cast and the cheesy, boring, and distracting soundtrack, I also felt that Chan was taking the movie way too seriously. I mean, when did he smile for the first half of the movie? It only gets interesting and funny during the last half of the movie, which I enjoyed, but I was left feeling disappointed with the movie as a whole.
The Jungle Book 2 (2003)
The horror...
After having recently been spoiled by the masterpieces of Miyazaki, I may be a bit biased, but JBII is, by far, the WORST crapquel yet to come out of the Disney machine! Forget the atrocious animation and nonexistent plot for a second- passable, even good movies have been made with both- and let's focus on what makes this pile of turd particularly odious...
Haley Joel Osment is ANNOYING AS HELL in this movie! Osment's performance doesn't come close to that of the original Mowgli. Whereas the original is far more subdued, Osment sounds like a high-pitched soul singer. Plus, the dialogue they give him makes the entire movie unbearable to listen to. Hearing "Yeah man!" repeated over and over again made me want to smash the TV (This wasn't worth going to a movie for, obviously) to bits, and hearing Osment and Goodman reprise Bare Necessities in bad singing voices made me want to cut my ears off!
Unless you want your little ones screaming "Yeah Man!" to their friends (and likely getting a beatdown as a result), AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS!
Gangs of New York (2002)
A Strange but Captivating Film
I had no idea GoNY was set in the 1800's, and so the film came as quite a shock to me. I had expected mafia-type action but instead I was treated with a fantastic yet dark world of betrayal and blood and an excellent black comedy.
The only complaint is the fact that Cameron Diaz can't act! She barely keeps her Olde American accent consistent, and looks way too thin to be authentic. And the lines they give her are laughable at best, sounding more like lines from an essay than an actual person.
Gigli (2003)
Justin and Kelly, you've got competition!
How long does Hollywood think we will stand this garbage? A friend took me to see it, and by the end of the film I was demanding compensation for my time. This film is no doubt going to prove to be far scarier than seeing the upcoming Freddy vs. Jason movie!
Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (1969)
Hilarious FX
Gamera vs Guiron is the most raucous example of bad FX since Turkish Star Wars! The hilarious dubbing alone makes the price worthwhile! Rejoice as a knife-monster turns his enemy into cold cuts! Revel in the ridiculous plotholes and nonsensical dialogue! Hum to an extremely cheesy (yet catchy) tune! Snicker at the horrendous and omnipresent special effects!
Though Gamera vs Guiron is hilarious with or without MST3K protection, I would recommend the latter to B-movie newcomers.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
This is a CHILDREN'S movie?
How can the creators of this movie sleep at night, knowing how they have given millions of children irreparable trauma? Even with MST3K protection, I was looking around for sharp objects after enduring the unspeakably horrendous title credits. Just imagine how many children have committed suicide after viewing this atrocity WITHOUT the help of Joel, Tom, and Crow!
This movie (I use the term liberally) is more of a horror movie than a Christmas special. The raw pain that eminates from this mess is indescribable, but it will suffice to say that if you dare watch this visual poison, you should pound a pitcher before doing so.
Teen Titans (2003)
Cheap Rip-off of Japanimation
Blech... this show is a prime example of a recent trend- American animation trying to copy the unique style of Japanese anime. Instead of concentrating on improving the depth and artistic quality of their shows, American cartoons are becoming increasingly bare-bones, derivative of Japanimation, and "Flash"-y in detail. Compare the meticulous detail found in, say, Animaniacs, to the crayon scribblings displayed on recent shows such as "Jackie Chan Adventures" or "Proud Family" or "Totally Spies" or even "Samurai Jack" and you'll see what I mean. Granted, shows such as Samurai Jack and Dexter do have a unique style that uses the lack of detail to their advantage, but that doesn't mean that American animators should continue to cut the budgets of these shows nor does it mean that they should increase their reliance on "cool" Japanese culture and continue to use cheap Flash-like tricks to do most of the drawing.
Anyway, if you want to know how lame Teen Titans is, think "Lizzie Mcguire" mixed with "Sailor Moon" and "Power Rangers". If you want to see some REAL comic book action, watch Justice League. If you want to see REAL Japanimation, watch Cowboy Bebop or Spirited Away.
Unless you're a die-hard fan of comic books, stay away from this at all costs!
Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003)
A Perfect Movie except for the eyestrain
*MAY INCLUDE SPOILERS*
For me, the Spy Kids franchise has been a welcome change from the typical consumer pop-culture tv-adaptation trash churned out for children today (e.g. Lizzie McGuire Movie, the Rugrats and Thornberry movies, and the Pokemon movies) with films that have managed to ignite the senses and entertain all ages while avoiding cookie-cutter plots and blatant commercialism, problems all too common among today's Hollywood flicks.
Spy Kids 3-D is, by far, the most energetic of the three movies, with fast-paced action that doesn't let up until the credits fly at you, 3-D style. It pays homage to a variety of films, such as Blade Runner and Tron, yet is able to stand on its own, despite similarities to the latter. It never takes itself too seriously, and, when shrapnel isn't flying at you or the breathtaking visuals aren't distracting your eye, the witty, throw-away dialogue will have you doubled back in laughter (or at least emitting a chuckle or two). The plot is intentionally shallow but plenty of fun, steering clear of Hollywood cliches (except when it is busy making fun of them) and the pretention that underlies most films meant for children. SK3D feels like it is the brainchild of a child, and is all the better because of it.
SK3D's fun factor is off the scales, and I would recommend this movie to anyone who enjoys plenty of action and adventure with a good dose of humor tossed in. The only problem I had with the movie was the eyestrain one gets from wearing those tinted glasses for an extended period of time. But then again, I was in a really crappy seat when I viewed this, so perhaps it's just me.
P.S. Though SK3D is essentially a film about a video game, throughout the movie Rodriguez quietly presents the message that video games can never take the place of real life, something that may not be lost by the techno-happy children that will probably be attending this flick.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Bad Bad Bad
I seriously came in expecting to be blown away, to leave the theater going "like, whoa!". It's too bad the Wachowskis decided to follow the footsteps of Lucas into Special-Effects-Over-Plot Hell. As I suspect many have said before, without a sense of suspense or danger, impressive and epic battles quickly lose their potency over the audience. If "Superman" can do anything, then why is he wasting so much time screwing around with the bad guys? In my opinion, the entire movie could have been scrapped and the plot presented as a prelude to Revolutions.