Reviews

Many critics were up in arms when Marisa Tomei took home an Oscar for her walk-through in "My Cousin Vinny." And there were those who cried foul when "Crash" won Best Picture instead of "Brokeback Mountain."

As unfair as those may seem, I can safely say that the film that was least deserving of its Academy Award was "The Crunch Bird."

Slapped together over a weekend by one Ted Petok, with all voices done by one man who lacked the talent of Mel Blanc or Don Messick, "The Crunch Bird" won over the smart National Film Board of Canada production "Evolution" and the beautifully animated Oscar Wilde adaptation "The Selfish Giant." Methinks Petok threatened to sic a crunch bird on the Academy members.

This horribly-animated short is based on one joke. One antique, middle-school joke. It probably had you ROTFL in 7th grade but it's merely stupid now.

Classic cartoon, my a*s!

It's much too obvious that the glowing positive comments supposedly from military types are actually shills who are related to the producers, or more likely fans of the star, Jim Fitzputrid - many of them have only one or two comments in total. The negative reviews are correct: "U.S. Seals" IS that horrible.

It's a damn shame William Witney is no longer with us. He could have shown the producers how to do an action movie correctly, and make it actually entertaining. And he worked with low budgets at Republic studios. About all that "U.S. Seals" has in common with the old B-Westerns and B war films (many of which Witney directed) is shootouts in which the bad guys can't hit the side of a battleship, yet the good guys fire wild shots that magically kill the baddies, often bloodlessly.

The threadbare production is embarrassing. The command center that looks like someone's living room, American military personnel using Russian weapons, the visible squib wires running up the bad guy's leg in the scene where he's shot to death-- these have been pointed out in the other reviews (the ones not posted by shills, of course).

Watching this back to back with "American Soldiers" is recommended only for the masochistic.

I can only assume Ron Ormond made these religious films at the end of his career to atone for all the horrid B-flicks he inflicted upon moviegoers in the '50s. That is understandable. "The Burning Hell" was exhibited mainly in southern Protestant churches, Sunday schools and Christian schools - who then plastered every storefront in town with placards advertising the film ("20,000 Degrees Fahrenheit - and Not a Drop of Water!" One wonders how they came up with that measurement). It was in a "Christian school" that I was subjected to this cinematic Hades, in glorious 16mm. The reaction from our 11th grade class was anything but reverent. There was much for us to titter and chuckle over as we were shushed by the Bob Jones-alumni faculty. The Southern-accented Moses with the fake beard ("Y'all let mah people go") - the pasty-white desert dwellers - - the idiot teen bouncing around on the seat of his motorcycle before crashing it, literally losing his head, and plunging into HAYull - and the silly Satan whose face was painted like the Partridge Family's bus (the tricycle-riding Tom Waits in the "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" video was a more plausible devil) - we couldn't take this seriously at all, despite the teachers acting like this catchpenny film was as much Holy Writ as the leather-bound Bibles they clutched. I'm not about to enter into a theological discussion - I will only say that with the amateur histrionics, Estus Pirkle's incessant preaching, and Ormond's inept-as-ever direction, those who view this film may well enter heaven, for they've already been through "The Burning Hell."

I admit to a bit of bias. The man who made this film is my cousin, and I appear very fleetingly as an extra. That said, "Slow Dancin' Down the Aisles of the Quick Check" is a gem, and one wishes it were longer than a half hour, for we want to spend a little more time with Earl, Maybelline, and the others who work and shop in that supermarket. Thomas Wade Jackson made the film to fulfill his master's thesis at the Florida State University film school. Not only did he write and direct, he also composed all the songs (except the one that plays over the closing credits), edited, and acted (as Earl's cousin Gene). The film generated a favorable buzz even before its first showing. It was filmed after hours in a supermarket in Wade's hometown of Bainbridge, Georgia, and actual townspeople were used in small roles and as extras. His goal was to show a slice of life in the South without stereotypes or editorializing, and, working closely with his actors and crew, he has certainly succeeded. The performances (especially Mark Lainer as Earl) are poignant and heartfelt. Even if the director weren't my cousin, I'd still cherish this film. It was previously available on Atomfilms, and is now on YouTube.

Yes, this is worse than "Hardcastle and McCormick." Worse than "Sonny Spoon." Worse than even "The A-Team."

After Prince Charles and Diana's big wedding the previous year, royalty was on everyone's mind, including Cannell's, and so he concocted what was intended to be a light-hearted adventure series, but it ended up a light-headed mess.

"The Quest" (not to be confused with the 1976 Kurt Russell series) was about King Charles, monarch of a tiny European kingdom, who was at death's door and had no heir. For reasons best forgotten, he chose four American strangers and persuaded them to participate in an around-the-world "Amazing Race" style competition for the throne. The king chose the countries they traveled to by throwing a dart into a map. The second episode found them in a Hollywood simulation of Africa, complete with stereotypical cannibal tribes and headhunters (in 1982!).

There had to be a villain in such proceedings, of course, and so we had Count Dardinay, who claimed the throne as his and set out to destroy the contestants with a tenacity Wile E. Coyote would envy. Frankly, Dardinay would have made a better king than any of the Americans.

Cannell even threw in the usual catchy Mike Post theme song, whose lyrics have all the subtlety of a jackhammer: "Kings and queens/ It's a race for a place in the royal celebration/ Hopes and dreams /Shining like the jewels in a golden crown,/ Kings and queens/ It's the time of your life and you know it's all or nothing/ Just like kings and queens."

After only a handful of episodes, "The Quest" lost its quest for viewers, and it died a quicker death than King Charles.

After ruining the long-running comic strip "The Gumps," Gus Edson launched the gooey dreck known as "Dondi" to dozens of newspapers. He or his syndicate persuaded Al Zugsmith, best known for his potboilers with the pneumatic Mamie van Doren, to make this bucket of cinematic treacle.

One wishes Mamie could have appeared, but she had the good sense to stay out of this one - the closest we get is an appearance by a Jayne Mansfield hot water bottle, which displayed much more personality than Patti Page. The "singing rage" warbles several nauseous tunes that make "The Doggie in the Window" sound like "Highway to Hell." And I thought her theme to "Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte" was bland! And let's not forget David Kory in the title role...but I certainly want to! He yells his lines in the tone of a kid who didn't get sprinkles on his sundae. After watching this overly sentimental excuse for a film, you'll be praying to the porcelain gods! Show this to your kids and they'll ask what they did wrong!

If you want a kids' movie from this era that's actually good, and sweet without being gooey, get a Philip Leacock film like "Hand in Hand" or "The Little Kidnappers."

Incidentally, I met Irwin Hasen, artist of the Dondi comic, at a convention 12 years ago. He was such a nice guy, I hadn't the heart to tell him how much this movie sucked...though I wonder if I DID tell him, he might have agreed?