Reviews

Children of the Corn Directed by Kurt Wimmer. Written by Kurt Wimmer

Children of the Corn has been remade twice now and had a buttload of sequels of all quality. This little bitty short story has inspired film after film after film. What about this story draws people back? It's about a small Nebraska town where possessed children murder all the adults in their town to appease He Who Walks behind the rows. A couple stumble upon an escapee and when seeking help, they run into the crazed children and this diminutive preacher leading the way. Now it sounds interesting in theory but the problem that has remained throughout is that kids are not scary. They are not scary in the slightest.

This kind of rectifies that a little bit. Now this is not a retelling of the original film and the short story. It is telling the story of what happened to the town originally. The town is dying. The corn is dying. The children are watching as the adults are making decisions to change the fundamental structure of the town they grew up in and they have no say in what happens. This is very much an allegory for climate change. They're trying to change it up from a more religious angle. If you're going to remake it, bring something different to the party. It works sort of. That's what this movie does. There are snippets of interesting story ideas trying desperately to claw out.

I know the behind the scenes turmoil with production shutting down due to Covid and many scenes being piecemeal. They actually did a fairly good job considering the limitations. I try not to grade on a curve but sometimes you have to. What would this movie be like with no limitations and made exactly as Kurt Wimmer wanted?

This movie doesn't work without its two leads. They're child actors and that's astonishing when you think about it. Kate Moyer plays Eden, the leader of the children. She has a way with her words that shows she has that dichotomy in her demeanor. She is finally speaking up and has no qualm about killing to get her way. She has convinced all of the children except for a few to change this town. She is dangerous and unpredictable. You never really know what she is going to do. I think she has a bright future ahead. She rides a horse and just commands the screen. It was incredibly impressive.

The other performer that Eden plays off of is Bo played by Elena Kampouris. She is 17 trying to survive with her brother watching her parents' marriage fall apart. She speaks up for the town and wants to enact change. She is carrying the weight of her family on her shoulders so when things get grim and dark really quick, her vulnerability she wears on her sleeves.

You want her to succeed. You want her to save the town and save the adults. You're cheering for her even though the plot hits predictability and you need those taped pieces of story to smooth it over. It wants to throw you into a monster flick as it progresses to its conclusion. It wants to crank you into a thrill ride but I'm not sure that was the best way to go. Ambiguity could have made more things more terrifying. This movie is not scary. I'm not sure it is trying to even go down that road. I was intrigued by the design of He Who Walks. It feels more like an environmental horror flick in the style of Prophecy with its ManBearPig.

I have to say this was an interesting failure of a flick. I also think we're done with Children of the Corn. The story has been told in all the ways it can be told.

I give this movie a C.

Eat Brains Love Directed by Rodman Flender. Written by Mike Herro and David Strauss

Sometimes you can just tell when somebody who is far outside of the teenage realm writes and makes a movie trying to be cool and hip with those kids. Yeah here we are with the film equivalent of the Steve Buscemi meme. I do admire the effort to make this flow with hyperactive energy. There is style to spare and that is impressive in a subject matter picked over to death.

Eat Brains Love is about two teenagers, one who has a crush on the other who become zombies and embark on a road trip while being chased by a governmental agency filled with psychics and trigger happy agents as they find an underground community of zombies trying to live their lives. It's your standard issue road trip teen comedy and it also isn't one of those. Naturally the guy is a pot smoking loser who can't bring himself to tell the girl how he feels. Naturally she's the popular cheerleader with the quarterback bully as his boyfriend. All standard issue boilerplate stuff up to this point. Now how you become a zombie in this film is very different than in previous zombie flicks.

You become a zombie through sex. Much like the slow moving, always persistent ghosts of It Follows, it passed through sex. They don't really do much with this other than make a few jokes. The jokes provide some chuckles but mostly groans because it is trying entirely too hard. It is filled with people doing silly things for a joke and it hits those beats you've seen before. It is a fairly short film although not as short as Puppet Master:Doktor Death(59 minutes). It doesn't wear out its welcome but you can also tell it doesn't have much story to tell either.

I will say it has a strange opinion on women. They don't seem to have much beyond falling for the stoner. The psychic chasing them and his cheerleading crush. They exist only as it pertains to the stoner character. This is fine, I suppose but it would have made it a more interesting film to flesh them out. They have to be more than archetypes to feel real and the jokes will land more in that way.

The performances are all good. Patrick Fabian from Better Call Saul knows how to do smarmy like nobody's business. He is always a welcome sight on screen for me. Sarah Yarkin was a pleasant presence. She has some comedic chops and she was better here than in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

It does revel in the gore. It has plenty of intestine chomping for anybody who enjoys that. The make up effects work but then again they aren't called on to do much. This movie is fine. It serves its purposes. It doesn't do anything that hasn't already been done and you might not be annoyed by the characters.

This is available to watch for free on FreeVee and Tubi. Tubi is a veritable wonderland of a streaming service.

I give this movie a C.

Royal Jelly Written and directed by Sean Riley

Bumblebees, honey bees, bees of all types infect every section of this movie. Her late mother was a beekeeper and loved the creatures so she found herself drawn to them as well. She is an outcast and a loner. A mysterious substitute teacher comes into town and Aster(a bee loving lonely girl) and this adult steal off into the night, no questions asked.

This lady is not what she seems. She appears to be grooming Aster for something important and it is something that has to do with bees. This is a movie that starts out going in the direction of a teenage revenge film like Carrie. It is a bit of a bait and switch that goes on once the lady of the bee manor sweeps Aster off of her feet.

We begin to encroach with bits of body horror and honestly this was the most fascinating aspect of the movie. It doesn't have enough of a special makeup effects budget to really dig beneath this horror and prey upon what it might be like. It does dwell on the more grotesque elements of the insect world and especially bee queens. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth because when you take it out of the insect world and apply it to unwilling human beings, it changes things.

The movie also wants us to believe in Aster's relationship with the first boy, not the cartoon cowboy. It doesn't really give much in the way of character development. You get one romantic swoon under the moon. That's not enough to really believe in the dilemma being presented here.

While I do admire the filmmaker trying something this off the wall, there's a lot that doesn't work. In order to even get to the house where Aster is being groomed for her queen bee duties, the story jumps through a bunch of hoops and ignores things that any rational person might ask themselves. There's a suspicious lack of law enforcement for a teenage runaway. Nobody seems to question what happened to Aster. Not her loving father or she demon stepmother. Nobody.

There are several opportunities for Aster to read the red flags ever prevalent.

She ignores them and even invents new excuses to stay in what is obviously especially once a cartoon cowboy shows up, is a very dangerous place. Where is her dad? Does nobody care that Aster just disappeared with an adult teacher?

I had just too many questions and that fragile suspension of disbelief became frayed and eventually snapped in two, nor the twain should meet again. Royal Jelly does try. The camera work is strange in the fact that it is either super close up or shaking tremendously. I was confused by the style that Sean Riley was going for. The destruction of the hive by the bullies was beautifully shot and even went for a slow motion balletic tone. Not all was lost with this. It was just a missed opportunity.

I give Royal Jelly a C.

The Pizzagate Massacre Written and directed by John Valley

Exploitation films have a history of taking topics that others may find offensive or downright uncomfortable and turning out entertainment about it. Conspiracy theories used to be fun before they became widely accepted as reality despite evidence to the contrary. I loved listening to late night Coast to Coast AM. It came with a little bit of mockery and a little bit of wonder. But that all changed.

Suddenly everything was a conspiracy and everything was political. People would believe wild and outlandish claims with little to no evidence of its existence. It spread like a wildfire. It began to affect regular people's lives. It culminated in the Pizzagate killings. The theories had become violence. It was too much. It was no longer fun and games.

This movie takes inspiration from that. It is about getting into the mind of somebody like that. His name is Duncan. It understands how insane this actually is. You have to put a satirical edge on it because if you don't laugh, what are you going to do. Duncan lives in his van. He's a gun enthusiast and he is part of a local militia. He listens to the Terri Lee show which is InfoWars in a different form. Karen is an amateur journalist who after losing her job at the Terri Lee show begins her own investigation into the Pizzagate conspiracy. She needs somebody to watch her back and enlists the help of Duncan.

This movie sounds like a terrifying thriller. It is not played that way, not entirely. It has a foreboding atmosphere and the soundtrack follows suit. It carries a big Taxi Driver vibe with it as well. It is undeniable that Taxi Driver is the inspiration for this movie. Duncan contains so much anger at the world. He feels outside looking in and he feels constantly humiliated.

This movie was originally called Duncan and the focus is upon his character. There is a good article about this movie's production history. Duncan seems like a cut and dried lunatic fringe. He's not and while the title might be misleading somewhat, it is still accurate. Things escalate as the pizza place is brought into it.

This movie is really good. I was surprised by how much emotion and character is brought out in Duncan. The performance by Tinus Seaux as Duncan shows the different sides of him. He feels lost by not recognizing his world anymore. He is definitely confused by the information that is being fed to him. His life is in flux.

He is paired with Karen Black. She is using Duncan to create her film. You're not entirely sure what she believes in. It is a swirling mix of people who don't trust each other or what they hear. They believe in things that go against what most rational people know to be true.

It does have out there characters and wild situations. Most people who don't watch these shows and don't frequent these circles will be scratching your head but keep an open mind at least about this movie. I know it's called The Pizzagate Massacre and it does play on what you expect from a title like that but at the same time it expands the characters. The comparison to Taxi Driver is extremely apt and it is a well made and interesting low budget film. I give this movie a B.

Bad CGI Sharks Directed by MaJaMa. Written by Jason Ellsworth, Matthew Ellsworth and Matteo Molinari

It was all coming to this. It was truly inevitable that when we embarked upon Shark Week 2.0 we would see a movie just like this. A movie that truly embraces the utter insanity that shark movies have become. It knows this. It loves this and it becomes a manic ball of energy that takes the idea of cheap shark movies and blows it up. This movie is insane right from the very beginning. Let me explain...

A magic movie man uses a clapboard to bring the script of two guys to life. They were separated from each other after their youth so one would become a success and not indulge in their shark related fantasies. What this does though is bring a bad cgi shark to life and it wreaks havoc. This is just the beginning because not only does this CGI shark talk and have a personality, it brings along three cartoon sharks as well.

Bad CGI Sharks indulges in this and the rest of the cartoon carnage that it brings. You know from the very beginning that this movie is one hundred percent a comedy and pretty funny at that. There is one character there who is the straight man who has his life turned upside down by his Hollywood and shark loving man child of a brother and the magical movie man who steps from behind the curtain to interact with his characters. This movie has some really interesting touches. Clever creativity went into this movie.

This is the beauty of independent cinema. You get films like this. It takes the concept of bringing to life bad CGI effects. It gives its shark a complete personality. It hates being a part of this fantasy. It yearns for something more. It is not that different from the two brothers. They remember a time when their dreams, however outlandish were possible.

It also utilizes the bad CGI shark for comedic effect. There is one scene in particular where the shark is trying to catch its prey and it is being forced to render repeatedly. The characters even live in a fantasy version of Hollywood where other people don't even exist. It's a trip.

I give this movie a B. Definitely worth checking out. This was the one movie in this entire thing that my wife picked out personally and it ended up being the best one. I'm never living that one down.

Slaxx Directed by Elza Kephart. Written by Patricia Gomez and Elza Kephart

Slaxx is about a pair of possessed pants who go on a rampage in a locked down boutique clothing store. That's right I said it. Sentient evil pants. They make your butt look terrific and then consume your flesh at the same time. What will they think of next? I will say naturally this completely bonkers concept drew me in. It caught my wife's attention as well. It is only 77 minutes. I'll watch almost anything once. I have to say this movie is a hoot. The pants effects are terrific. They move on their own. They believably move around and in the end credits they reveal the secret for that. It's honestly quite brilliant. There's a scene where the pants viciously eat the hands of somebody. Blood is spurting everywhere like a wild out of control gusher. The pants are growling like an actual animal. I laughed so far. Giggling like a silly little boy. This scene reminded me a bit of the Chuck E Cheese scene in Clown where the Cloywn is eating the kids in the ball pit. It was a gruesome delight. This is a movie that naturally knows it needs to be heightened in perception and reality. The store called CCC has employees who are forced to buy the latest and greatest merch. My wife mentioned how much it felt like a pyramid scheme. The company is bleeding its employees dry in the name of fashion. The employees are hyper focused on their sales and their jobs to the point of not having basic common courtesy to Libby, the new employee. This opening for the new collection is important. They've got a Youtube influencer coming to review it. All hands on deck. The pants are at a buffet. Romane Denis is Libby and she acquits herself well. She is the conduit to the madness. I was genuinely invested in her plight. Same with Sehar Bhojani as Shruti. She was a connection to the pants that you will not see coming. I might be giving away too much so I'll leave the remainder of the plot alone. The only real issue this insanity has is there is not enough story to successfully engage the entire time. The movie does get bogged down after the initial massacre. It realizes that it doesn't have much else to say before the ending it has inevitably chosen. It definitely could have been a strong short but I understand also the reason it wasn't. It is a movie that is strongly skewering fashion culture and the lies corporations tell us. The evils they perpetrated for the easiest way to make money comes back to haunt them. You can't treat companies in a cult like revelatory way. Libby comes into her new job excited. This culture is going to give her a wake up call. The selfishness and carelessness leads to the pants and their massacre. This is a wild ride. I do recommend this. Be prepared for the silliness that comes ingrained with the concept. It is certainly a satire in that regard but the pants coming to life is magnificently done. I give this movie a B.

Bad Girls Directed by Christopher Bickel. Written by Christopher Bickel and Shane Silman



I sure am glad to be back. I took a bit of a sabbatical from reviewing flicks to sit back and enjoy. As my favorite places on Earth are in danger of disappearing, I have to take one step at a time. That's okay. I'm still here resting comfortably in the Movie Chicken Shack watching movies. My first movie back is an independent picture coming from South Carolina filmmaker Christopher Bickel who is certainly embracing the drive in way in this movie. You could even call it the grindhouse way.

He embraces that style for this movie here about three criminal strippers who after escaping from prison decide they're living in the moment. They're taking what they want when they want and consequences be damned. We spend no time getting right into the mayhem of the proceedings. Bad Girls takes off like a bat out of Hell and wastes no time. It gets your heart racing. You had better be ready because this movie will not slow down to take a breath for about an hour.

I do have to applaud Christopher Bickel and his team's ability to make excellent use of their limited budget. They really go for it. Not many independent films even think about production design but Bad Girls does its best to immerse you in this lop side world. Christopher Bickel uses plenty of tricks up his sleeve to keep the movie moving right along.

This is also a movie that has no problem getting down and dirty. Nobody is safe and they make sure you know it loud and clear. The scene at Wendell's Ammo Cafe makes that explicit. Wendell launches into this speech about his duty as a soldier in Desert Storm and how he wasn't about to be pushed around by these three girls. A woman walking with her small child in a stroller can be seen just outside the door. Let's just say a shoot out ends poorly but with the best black gallows humor line delivered by Carolyn. You can't help but laugh.

Speaking of humor, the bands in this movie are worthy of a chef's kiss. The more punk rock band whose lead singer is kidnapped by Val is called Christmas Tits. How could you not like that? I would happily buy an album by the band Christmas Tits. It is begging to be done. That's not all though. We also have Poltergasm which takes a more theatrical approach and Zerox is the lead singer and Mitzi takes a liking to him.

You do have some sympathy for the bad girls of the title. Their lives were absolute crap and the world has stomped on them on more than one occasion. The men in this movie are absolute garbage people to them until you get to know them on an individual basis. I won't spoil it because the turmoil in the group is what really cranks up the end.

There are some drawbacks. Some of the acting leaves a lot to be desired. This was not the main trio. They played their roles to perfection and I loved all three of them in this. I envision big success in their future. Val played by Morgan Shaley Renew holds onto the chaos and bitterness present in her soul. You see it and even though she does reprehensible things, you feel her pain. Mitzi played by Sanethia Dresch is the cooler head of the two. She balances the madness and anger from Val and the devil may care aloofness of Carolyn played by Shelby Lois Guinn.

Now the low budget does get the best of the ending. By this point you're either on the ride or you've checked out. It doesn't hurt the film much. This is 90 minutes that drags you kicking and screaming into this spree. You're experiencing it whether you like it or not. I give this movie a B. Check it out.

Mank Directed by David Fincher. Written by Jack Fincher

I should warn whomever is reading this that David Fincher is easily one of my favorite filmmakers. He has not made a feature film in six years since Gone Girl. That one I saw in Las Vegas. I took a walk down the street in the wee hours because it wasn't playing in the movie theater at my casino. It was a unique experience.

He's been busy with Mindhunter which was a terrific series. But he is most certainly a filmmaker. Honestly Mindhunter worked as a very long movie too. Not the point. The point is he's back with a new movie that is being dropped on Netflix on my birthday. I must have done something nice to deserve such a gift from the cinema gods.

It's one of those few positives in the year 2020. I also for my poorly maintained mental health need to stop reading the comment section of articles about streaming services. Not Christmas is turning out just splendidly. I'm not entirely sure what to do anymore.

Back to the movie at hand. Mank is about screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz as he navigates through the script for Citizen Kane. As he pushes through the pain of his accident and his alcoholism rears its head, he flashes back to events that lead to this point. You would understandably be thinking this is an inside Hollywood movie focusing on the mechanics of how Hollywood during that time worked. It is somewhat about that but it is also about bringing an end to a man's life and why he feels the need to bring reckoning to this world hidden away.

He gets invited to the inner circle of William Randolph Hearst, newspaper icon and the studio heads. He gets to see the machinations when Upton Sinclair threatens to bring their existence apart. I'm not entirely sure I'm even bringing this up in a good way. Mank is content just feeling superior, making money and spitting out witticisms with reckless abandon. Mank is observant though. He notices how downtrodden the people are during the Depression and how the studio heads and Hearst are fighting against any help for them. It rattles around in him and it reverberates out through the work and his increasing alcoholism.

Mank is a beautiful movie shot in black and white where the shadows pop and there is a veneer over the image. From my research on the film, David Fincher used a digital monochrome camera so there is no color version of this. The movie feels like it was made during that era. The story lives in the Hollywood of old and Fincher usually lives in a fluid camera style. He adjusts his style to fit the story. He combines it with the techniques of how movies were made then. Even the score from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross creates music that enlivens the scene and helps create dramatic swells.

Gary Oldman is terrific in this movie. He imbues this steely wit and his voracious appetite for alcohol and even bombastic drama. You can also tell that the loud, clown like personality is a shield from this world that he lives but doesn't necessarily agree with. Amanda Seyfriend is also excellent at living in the skin of Marion Davies. She has the star shine of a Hollywood actress in the 30s but at the same time she clearly is holding back her intelligence for the benefit of the powerful men. She also has a way with Mank, a back and forth that shows her to be his intellectual equal. Her relationship with Hearst is almost more than just ingenue and benefactor.

This is a beautifully sweet film into creation and what the movies can mean. They can mean just mechanical, people preying upon the magic that cinema creates to further their own goals and a writer who didn't realize at the time what he was crafting and what it would cost him. This was a terrific movie. I give it a B.

The Devil All the Time Directed by Antonio Campos. Written by Antonio Campos and Paulo Campos

I will say in the spirit of Not Christmas(Don't blame me for the lack of creativity, it was a black out kind of night) I was aware of my first and second picks. Antonio Campos is a fascinating director who likes to pick apart characters piece by piece. He did this tremendously in 'Christine'. Rebecca Hall helped fill out what might have only been between the lines of Christine Chubbuck, the script and the real life events.

The Devil All The Time is a horse of a different breed entirely. It is no longer focusing on one particular character. It is focusing on generations of family members and the evil that might be drawn to them in their efforts to live a life according to God while also trying to push down their human emotions and desires. They live in an extremely small town. Everybody congregates at the church and everybody knows each other's names. It seems less like there are opportunities there and more like obligations. You stay because you have to and you stay because you know nothing else. Simplicity can work to declutter one's life.

However that is not necessarily the case. Evil lurks behind seemingly innocent people. Evil lurks within the confines of the church. Death can be random and chaotic. One action trying to save your family only manages to put them in danger elsewhere. This really feels like a series of vignettes. They are interconnected and we have a folksy narrator there to put things at ease but ultimately not enough is known about any of them outside of the illusion of civility. Something we on the internet are all too aware of. The illusion of civility.

The performances are all as good as they can be. Most of the women in this film are quite meek and subservient. The culture presented in the story lends credence to that way of thinking but they do push back when they're forced to and there is a calm and beauty in their eyes and their simplicity is something that is being strived for by the other characters particularly in Eliza Scanlen's character Lenora. She was born from violence but she has a hope that you just know is not long for this barren place. Barren not in scenery but in hope and joy. Everything creaks and groans. The salt of the earth permeates every article of clothing and in the bare bones homes they maintain.

Tom Holland(Spider-Man) is taking his inherent boyish innocence and his bravado to a quiet place. He takes in these tragedies and he is trying his best to protect his family what is left of them. He is sacrificing his own potential future for them. A future he doesn't even know he has. He is quite good at showing the turmoil inside of him and with each decision he is forced to make.

This is a quite long movie especially because of the episodic nature of the plot. It runs over two hours and we don't spend a significant amount of time with anyone. You learn just enough about them to understand the position they're in and whether they understand why they're there. If they're hiding behind the veneer of a preacher, or friendly travelers or the law, they're holding back some force of evil. They prey upon people who simply wish to live their life.

I give this one a C.

Books of Blood Directed by Brannon Braga. Written by Brannon Braga and Adam Simon

Books of Blood are three short stories woven together into one film, anthology style. They come from the mind of Clive Barker. This is what drew me in naturally. I enjoy the good Clive Barker movies, you know the ones and I've read quite a few of his books. I dig it. I'm on board with this flick. I'm curious.

Like all anthology films, not every story is at the same level. The story of Jenna is really interesting visually and creepy and the story of Miles is really good as well. Bennett is the weak link but it's also the shortest. I got into the stories themselves but the problem with them is that is they are drawn out.

When you think Clive Barker, you usually think wild and imaginative gore and kinky driven sexual situations. Books of Blood is not that. It feels a bit flat in regards to the visuals with the exception of two sections. Once you find out what is happening in the B&B and when the psychic meets the dead. These two moments bring out what modern filmmaking could accomplish with Clive Barker's work. The visuals have to be there. The mood has to be there. I would even wager that the dread needs to be there as well.

There is only a small amount of that present in these stories. The movie drops you right down into the first story and gets you intrigued by this special book. You're wondering what in the world is going on. I was ready for the ride and the first story manages to continue that. It ratchets up the tension with some misdirection and some really solid acting from Britt Robertson. It is suitably weird and creepy.

The second tale felt a little more familiar and it was the one that also felt shortened and could have benefitted immensely from some character development. It really lives for one moment. If you see this movie, then you will know the one I speak of. That moment makes the story worthwhile in my humble opinion.

It's a very hit and miss movie. I did some digging on it and read that it was intended to be a series. It had that vibe. I could have been on board watching a Books of Blood series. But alas it was not to be. We have to settle for this movie. This kind of flat and bland adaptation is really not worth it. It drains all of the life of the stories but at the same time allows tiny bits of it back to infuriate you.

I give this one a C.

The Breed Directed by Nicholas Mastandrea. Written by Robert Conte and Peter Wortmann

A group of friends fly out to an island to party the weekend away at a cabin left to them by a dearly departed uncle. You know the drill and the set up here. Things are certainly not what they seem. Dogs are also on the island but these are not ordinary puppy dogs. These dogs are super smart and vicious. They are cunning and evil. The one thing they are not is scary.

The idea behind taking regular old dogs and making them into vicious monsters has been done in the past. It has bits of Man's Best Friend and maybe some of Cujo. Killer dogs are nothing new. I can understand why this seemed like a good idea at the time. Animal attack survival films can work like gangbusters if given the opportunity and the right guidance.

This one handles those dog attacks fairly well using real dogs. There are no CGI dogs or dog puppets. Well that might be some puppets but the way it's shot you really can't tell. It tries to make them frightening. It employs every trick in the suspense book. It doesn't work. The doggies are just too adorable.

This doesn't mean the filmmaking is a mess. No, quite the opposite. The camera is in focus. The scenes paint a picture. The movie is well made. I can not fault the director for that. I can fault the writers for falling down the well of the formula.

The five friends all fit the stereotypes. We have the one black friend who is a cowardly loud mouth and is constantly taking the piss out of every situation. The two women despite one of them being played by Michelle Rodriguez are speaking in baby voices for a lot of the dialogue. They only seem interested in what the men in their life were up to. I didn't hate anybody though so there is a silver lining to this.

Lately with horror movies, the characters have all been the biggest of jerks. This is not the case with this movie. They care about each other and their flaws make sense to their character. I don't want to see them die. I want to see them succeed. This is an art of horror filmmaking that is being lost.

This doesn't necessarily translate into strong suspense though. They are still cyphers. They still only occupy the space the formula allows for them to occupy. Michelle Rodriguez displays some resourcefulness of her own but her voice is way off in this movie. It was rubbing me the wrong way. They try to bring her up to the level of the two brothers leading the film but it's not enough.

This is one of those flicks that rides right down the middle. The writing is blah and the character work is formulaic but the filmmaking is solid. It's not scary but I didn't find myself bored or angry with it. It's middle of the road with no teetering to either side. I give this movie a C.

I'm Thinking of Ending Things Written and directed by Charlie Kaufman

I'm Thinking of Ending Things is the latest film from Charlie Kaufman, the writer of Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Synecdoche, New York. I say this because if you know any of these films then you know the type of movie he makes. This review will be a little difficult to write because I have to skirt around so much. This is a movie that needs to be experienced. I don't just say that because Synecdoche, New York is one of my favorite movies. I say that because a movie like this doesn't come along often.

This movie is not for everyone. It really isn't because it asks a lot of its audience. It asks for patience. It is a movie that lives in the clues. It is a movie that lives in the dialogue that a lot of the time will be very stylized. There is a good reason for that.

The snow is ever present. The mood is foreboding. The dread is constant throughout. You can never truly put a finger on what is wrong. It seems like a simple enough trip. She is going to meet her boyfriend's parents for the first time. They have only been dating for six weeks. It seems too early for this trip in the relationship. Something seems wrong. You know as an audience member and the characters know something is off as well.

I mentioned before how difficult this movie is talk about because much of what I want to discuss are things that would be spoilers. I would have to discuss what happens at the end and the meaning of the film. This is something that I can not do. I want you to be able to understand where I'm coming from in regards to this movie without me spoiling the bejesus out of things. I don't need to be that person.

This is a movie that will ask you to look beyond what you see. Jessie Buckley plays a myriad of versions of this character but the truth behind who she is or who she was is right there from the very beginning. I found her to be captivating. I kept wanting her to flee this insanity despite knowing the impossibility of just such a request.

Jesse Plemons plays a man who is keeping so much wrapped inside. You know that there is so much he is not telling you when he really should be. Who he is and who he wants to be are not necessarily the same thing.

This is a beautifully trippy film. It is a decent companion piece to Synecdoche, New York. Both of them are relationship films just seen through the dream-like lens. You want to ask questions and please do. This is a movie that calls for questions. The answers are there. I'm not telling those answers here.

I give this film a B.

Random Acts of Violence Directed by Jay Baruchel. Written by Jay Baruchel and Jesse Chabot

Random Acts of Violence comes from the Canadian mixture of Michael Cera and Christian Slater Jay Baruchel adapting a comic about an artist who draws murder comics and these comics become the inspiration for a serial killer. It is a whole bunch of meta. The movie is even designed to resemble a comic in style. The colors are bright and extra heightened. It is similar to what they did with Punisher:War Zone. You are not meant to assume any of this takes place in reality.

Well it does at first. Jesse Williams(Grey's Anatomy) is the creator of Slasherman, the murder comic ending its run. He is searching for an ending that is escaping him at every turn. His business partner, assistant and girlfriend decide to take a road trip to some big comic event. His girlfriend is doing research for a book. A killer is on their path and they are about to cross.

Now that we know what the movie is about, let's hear some positives. There aren't any. The idea is sound. It has elements that pique your interest and make you want to go on the journey. The film wipes its butt with it. It rips through a huge chunk of the potential. It forces the characters into corners that doesn't feel like they would naturally go there. It brings up these elements of art vs reality and the commodification of true crime but it doesn't do anything with it. It pushes it out of the way in favor of some gore set piece. Gore set pieces are fine but they're alot of nothing when it doesn't have anything backing it up.

The other thing is the characters. They are all a giant bunch of assholes and I could not stand them. They had me wanting to throw a boot through my television. Obviously I didn't do that because that would have been expensive. There was a scene at a police station with the most unprofessional police officer I've ever seen. All I could remember in between bouts of seeing red(movie's style not anger) is how much I didn't care what happened to these people. I felt no sadness at their loss. I felt only apathy and eventually rage at having 70 minutes wasted. The potential was flushed away.

Jay Baruchel needs to stop and take a moment before making another movie. He messed this one up good. Why do horror movies cast their characters almost exclusively as assholes? Why? I enjoy watching a killer take out buttholes but the movies doing this aren't those Jason Voorhees flicks. It works somewhat in those. If it becomes the norm, it feels like hell. You're forced to spend an hour and a half on average with people you wouldn't be caught dead associating with. I don't associate with anyone anymore nowadays anyway. This is what happens when friends of 14 years tell you you're the enemy of the country. Why would I want to spend more time with people like a Facebook comment section? Why horror movies? You can spend some time on the human characters too otherwise you become Rob Zombie. The murder and bloodshed become meaningless.

I give this movie an F. I hated this movie.

30 Miles from Nowhere Directed by Caitlin Koller. Written by Seana Kofoed

30 Miles From Nowhere is about a group of old college friends who get together for one of their friend's funeral. They gather at his home with his wife who seems just a bit off. There is a ton of strife lingering from their past and it along with the inclement weather is threatening to explode. Things are not quite what they seem.

That's the basic gist of the film without going into depth too much. This is a movie that thrives on relationships. It plays on slights and how things used to be. Any progress made in the ensuing years is swept away as they regress to their college selves. Those people are the absolute worst.

Once I made it to the end of the film, I figured out that was the point. The point was to expose these toxic monsters for what they were. That doesn't make spending time with them any fun. That's the entire point of the film. There is nothing else but spending time with these psychotic garbage people. I just wanted the worst things to happen to them. I wanted Jason to hop over from another movie and just lay waste to these folks in the most gruesome fashion possible.

I suppose there might be some humor to see these assholes tear at each other exposing old wounds. That only goes so far though. Each one of them with the girlfriend stealing playboy being the worst of the bunch drag nails on a chalkboard in my brain. The filmmaking is fine. A lot of the time it really becomes a case of solid filmmaking backing a terrible idea for a movie. There doesn't necessarily need to be a likable character for there to be a gateway into the story. There just can't be an endless parade of jerk offs. I need some empathetic or even just charismatic lead. We get none of that.

If that sounds up your alley, then go for it. It is available on both Shudder and Tubi with commercials. I was annoyed by the people and there were no real laughs or scares coming from my end. It's just not a good flick. I give this movie a D.

The Shed Directed by Frank Sabatella. Written by Frank Sabatella and Jason Rice

The Shed is a movie about a "teenager" living in a terrible situation with cartoonishly monstrous adults and sociopathic teens who attack and brutalize the main character Stanley and his friend Dommer. They beat them mercilessly. The adults don't do anything to stem this, instead they punish Stanley and Dommer for the actions of these budding serial killers.

Stanley finds out something vile is hiding in his shed. It's a vampire. This is not giving anything away because it happens in the first five minutes of the film. We as an audience know exactly what waits inside that shed. This allows it to carry with an air of dread throughout especially anytime people get near that darn shed.

To the positives we go, the movie does a very good job drawing you into this analog nightmare world of orphan Stanley and the world that is pounding down on him. It is a good way to establish this worldview. It also goes to show why when things turn sour, Stanley doesn't feel like he has anywhere to turn to. The violence is also very intense. You can feel it and it does have consequences but it also doesn't shy away from it.

The problem with the film is it gets to be too much. The characters are the biggest problem of the movie. They have that one personality trait and they harp on it and harp on it. The adults are all idiots and cartoons at the same time. The bullies are way over the top. His best friend was a screeching mess. The relationships have back stories but then they're barely played upon.

This movie also has to jump through hoops to get everybody to this shed. The only thing to do is to shake your head in disbelief. This is a good, solid idea for a story but it plays out like high school wish fulfillment with responsibility thrown on top. I give this a D.

Elizabeth Harvest Written and Directed by Sebastian Gutierrez

This one was a recommendation. This was certainly an interesting film and by interesting I mean confusing and dull. It was confusing at first and then at the midway point you've figured out everything this story has to offer, the movie just keeps on going. What more is there to tell? This story feels the need to continue well past the point that it has completed and we should be rocking out to the ending credits song.

Let me attempt to describe this plot without giving away too much. A woman wakes up in a car on her honeymoon. Her husband brings her back to this swanky mansion on the hill where she can frolic freely except for one room. Her curiosity gets the better of her and it sets the plot in motion. That's it. That's all I can give. The few pleasures that this story has are best enshrouded in secrecy.

This is a mystery. Mysteries are extremely difficult to describe in relation to how I view them. This one definitely puts you in this mindset of wondering what is happening in this house. This is not just an ordinary house. This is a monument to science as well. The man is conducting science experiments. The kind that scares his wife. The servants also know more than they're letting on.

This is pretty much all I can say. To reveal any more about the plot would just be wrong. Let's just say that it is easy to figure out and you'll be shouting "I knew it!" at the screen more times than you care to remember. The mystery is simply not there, it's not. The person who takes you on this journey Elizabeth is a blank slate herself. She is meant to be malleable but there is always the potential that the character becomes boring because of it. That happens in this case. Even once we learn what is actually happening, no personality seeps in. The blank slate remains.

I can't recommend this one because of the tone and the languid pacing. There's not enough there to hold your interest. I was curious for a brief moment there in the beginning but I figured it out quickly. The acting and characters have to come in at that point and they didn't. It was flashing back and forth and we switched character points of views. It's just so jumbled. It is also entirely too long for the story it is trying to tell. It absolutely could stand to lose about 20 minutes. They might have raised the grade a bit but in its current form it fails. I give this movie a D.

Banana Split Directed by Benjamin Kasulke. Written by Hannah Marks and Joey Power

I figured a change of pace was needed after the wild and seemingly noxious events of the day. Banana Split is a comedy about a girl who becomes best friends with the girl dating her ex boyfriend. They don't just become rather hey how are ya nice to see you friends. They become best friends who would die for each other. This becomes a problem because they're both in love with the same guy. Dylan Sprouse looking more like a cover of a romance novel than when I remember him running around causing all kinds of shenanigans in the hotel.

Normally this is not the kind of movie I seek out. Hell I don't think I'm even the target demographic for this type of story. That doesn't always mean you won't get something out of stories about people different than yourself. This tale of female friendship definitely managed to wiggle its way into my consciousness.

This tale of friendship is genuine. We all understand jealousy. We all understand the hurt of seeing your ex, who you might still harbor feelings for, in the arms of another. We all understand not being able to help who you click with. It happens. It used to happen more to me. I'm good now. I'm also getting off topic.

This movie moves like a bullet and you are attached to these relationships in a matter of minutes. It makes great use of a montage to show the progression of a relationship. You completely experience the relationship of Hannah Marks and Dylan Sprouse from beginning to a painful end. If you had a relationship in high school, then this will feel achingly familiar.

You will also find yourself wrapped up in the good times of Hannah Marks and Liana Liberato(From the recent Beach House). They know they shouldn't be friends and they are pushing back against it at first but the attraction can not be denied in the long run. It is delightful and fun.

This movie will hit you from the beginning. This flick will play with your emotions even when you don't want it to and you might want to appear stoic and stone cold. It's better if you're not. It's better to laugh along with the antics. This is a very funny film. I loved all the performances in it. Nobody is the bad guy. This movie uses the genuine conflict that comes from competing emotions and hormones. I enjoyed the humanity of that. I give this movie a B.

Sweetheart Directed by JD Dillard. Written by JD Dillard, Alex Hynter and Alex Theurer

This comes as a recommendation from my good friend Smitty. This one involves stranded on a desert island fending from a monster rather than forcibly removing a baby doll from one's abdomen for shock value. Here's to you my friend.

Sweetheart is about a girl who washes up on a deserted island after an accident only to find out the island is not uninhabited. A monster is there to add to the problems. That's it. Sometimes the simpler the better. In this case simple works. It puts you into this girl's situation and lets you dwell in it. The setting is fully realized. It has echoes of Cast Away in that regard where survival is the name of the game.

She has to find some way to survive. She uses what washes ashore with her but then this becomes almost impossible when a monster attacks at night eating the dead. We learn throughout the course of this battle and from more survivors with a personal connection that she has not led her life with any sort of forward momentum. Can she overcome what seem like fatal flaws in her character to survive this situation.

This is a very well acted minus one exception and genuinely frightening film even with the reveal of the monster reminding me of a chihuahua's head when wet. By this point though you are fully invested in the fight and you want Jennifer to survive. The problems that she may have experienced in the past are forgotten by the sheer need to not get eaten.

This is a movie that dwells in the minutia of survival. It wants you to see a bare hand digging in the sand to bury someone you loved. It wants you to understand the helpless nature of being trapped on this island and how this is escalated by this massive bloodthirsty monster. This is a well made and entertaining movie. Sometimes that is enough. Sometimes that is a worthwhile thing. This one was a good movie. I recommend giving it a shot. I give this flick a B.

Chupacabra vs The Alamo Directed by Terry Ingram. Written by Peter Sullivan and Jeffrey Schenck

This is it. We made it. We made it through all seven movies of the Chupacabra Festival. It took some rearranging when two of the movies were lost at sea. It took some booze and some burritos and jerky to get through them all. It even took a refresher documentary to remember what the Chupacabra actually was. I'm here and ready for the final movie, the one I specifically saved for the very end. Erik Estrada decked out in full leather riding his trademarked motorcycle against a pack of Chupacabras. I'm ready.

This movie starts out promisingly with a brutal attack and the chupacabra is fairly small like the reports described. I was pretty excited at this point. It didn't matter that it was originally broadcast on television. Chupacabra Terror was also a Sci Fi channel original. I was pumped and gearing up for some genuine chupacabra action. Then the movie fell flat on its face even with the low expectations that these movies engender.

The chupacabras are a pack of very sick but super strong dogs. They eat people very easily. They are also a million of them and nobody seems to believe the motorcycle cop. These things are everywhere and wreaking all kinds of havoc. They put some effort into it. Not a bunch mind you. The green screen bike riding was a chuckle fest worthy of the Sci-Fi channel original movies. The action scenes are naturally a jumbled mess. It was obvious that they didn't have the money to give this premise the full treatment.

Tons and tons of b roll shot separately of San Antonio skyline, Riverwalk and of course the Alamo but it was obviously not shot at the same time as this production or even with the same camera. This is to be expected with these kinds of movies. The title is definitely misleading because the Alamo is just a building. Unlike Airplane vs Volcano, there is no special situation where the title is able to make sense. It takes the story of the Alamo and the last stand of Davy Crockett and his ilk and transplants it onto this story of Erik Estrada and compatriots against the CGI chupacabra dogs. They brandish their guns and their can do attitude against these monsters.

This is the movie you absolutely think it will be based on the description and the title alone. It is designed not to be taken even remotely seriously. It lives on meta jokes and ridiculous situations and tropes. It handles these things in a rather sloppy manner. It is funny in moments because the movie clearly does not care one iota about being a traditionally good movie. It is there to bust balls and create some joy. It does that but it becomes too much for too long after a while. There is only so much laughter I gleam from intentionally bad films. What is the chupacabra anyway?

I give this film a D.

Night of the Chupacabra Written and directed by Ted Rivera I have no idea what a chupacabra is actually supposed to be anymore. Are they like werewolves? Are they the missing link in the Panamanian jungle? Are they gargoyle like? Or are they simply aliens from another planet here to kill us and watch our drama like a reality show couch potato? I have no idea anymore. According to this bizarre parody?! The chupacabra is an alien much in the vein of the greys. It hides in the trees and blasts some lasers at folks. But it is such a tiny portion of the plot that it essentially is meaningless. This is another one of those films where the writer and filmmaker pack entirely too many characters and too many side plots into the film. It becomes bloated and confusing. It is only 82 minutes long. How much time could possibly be devoted to each individual subplot to make it worthwhile? It doesn't matter because the movie doesn't care. It throws in the men in black and a kidnapping plot and a journalist clawing her way to a world changing story. It is all over the place and randomly the chupacabra alien will kill someone. None of these plots are interesting. They follow the most rudimentary storyline. The actors are not skilled enough to imbue something extra into these caricatures. They do the bare minimum or they turn into outlandish cartoon characters. I think this movie might be a legit parody but I'm not sure even after sitting on it for a moment or two. That would be a good way to excuse the horrendous storytelling. I guess some accolades are in order for creating something so out there and so much like a coast to coast AM casserole. If this is your thing, have a look. But there is no way I can recommend this flaming trash fire of a movie. Nope. We're going animated for the next Chupacabra movie. It is the fourth film in a popular series of Mexican animated films. I've seen none of them. I think I might have finally lost it. I give this movie an F.

Chupacabra Terror AKA Chupacabra: Dark Seas Directed by John Shepphird. Written by Steve Jankowski and John Shepphird

We did it. We finally found one that is actually not half bad. Chupacabra Terror starts out much like Jurassic Park with a transfer of a monstrous creature that results in tragedy. But the beauty of this film is the scientist capturing the creature is none other than Gus Fring himself, Giancarlo Esposito. Holy crap this movie has actual actors in it. It also wastes no time in getting going. We're on the cruise ship and the chupacabra is let loose by the dumbest people on the planet.

The monster stalks people on the ship. The crew, Captain Gimli, Dr. Gus Fring and the Navy go hunting for a bulletproof blood sucking monstrosity straight out of legend. This movie is a good example of following the formula and the formula being solid enough to be enjoyable. Then again it is a distinct possibility that suffering through Goatsucker and Indigenous, even basic competence can be a home run.

I don't believe this is quite the case. I likened this film to Airplane vs Volcano which starts off quick getting to the meat of the film and indulges in all the gooey gory stuff and gets out in as little time as possible. We go from stalk and slash sequences to the crew being just a little bit too late. Dr. Los Pollos Hermanos tries to explain what this thing is and he is ignored completely.

The Chupacabra here is the best looking one yet. It is clearly a man in a rubber suit but he looks like a blood sucking face ripping version of Batty from Ferngully. It shows up and kills someone. It is a delight in the silliest way possible. It scurries and rises up with some jazz hands before devouring its victims.

What a joy to see an actual attempt at making a monster. No rudimentary shortcuts and no half hearted attempts that look more like a tatted meth head in a WalMart parking lot. No sir. This is the genuine article. They even try their little hearts out to make a convincing beast and they try to throw in the requisite amount of grue to make this formulaic endeavor a teeny bit worthwhile. After watching two movies with zero heart and soul, seeing something put together with a tiny bit of flair and made by a professional warms my heart.

I give this one a C.

Artois the Goat Written and directed by Cliff and Kyle Bogart

This comes as a recommendation that I foolishly allowed it to lapse and get buried somewhat. I'm sorry. I've been doomsday prepping for this year's various levels of catastrophes. My brain while wandering around the horrors of life in the quarantine remembered about this particular film. It could be a nice change of pace and it certainly was. This is Artois The Goat which is available to watch on Tubi if you get a hankering.

Artois the Goat is about a lab technician who becomes obsessed with making the perfect cheese. This obsession leads him in opposition to his relationship to his girlfriend. She is changing jobs to Detroit and wants him to come with her. It seems like a simple enough premise right. Well it is full of bizarre non sequiturs. You have to be prepared for the sort of dry humor that exists in this one.

I wasn't prepared for the visual gags present in the material. It presents the ideas in a straightforward manner but at the same time you can't help but laugh at how Virgil continues to mess things up in the most obvious way. Virgil is so obsessed with making this cheese that it clouds everything in his life. He can't stop his pursuit.

This movie might be a tad long in the tooth but it has some scenes that will make you chuckle. So few do that sort of thing nowadays. The jokes do fade a bit in the middle when it becomes more about the relationship and less about the cheese obsession.

This is a strange one but a good strange one. I found myself chuckling at the jokes used but those chuckles were a little less when it came to the end of the movie. This is a very clever flick. I found myself drawn to the plight of the cheese man and I wanted to see him succeed and have his girlfriend stay in his life. That is a genuinely rare occurrence when that happens. I am not what you would call a people person. Not one bit. So when a movie is able to get me interested in what they're trying to handle, this is unique. One of a kind you could say. This movie shows so much of what goes into producing a rare goat cheese. I can understand the obsession.

As long as you're able to find yourself on this film's wavelength, you will have a good time with this silly and fun movie. It does meander some and it could have benefitted from a cut or three. Overall this is an enjoyable comedy. I give it a B.

Boar Directed by Chris Sun. Written by Chris Sun and Kirsty Dallas

Maybe watching the finally unveiled 13 years in the making Hogzilla primed my interest into indulging more giant feral pig movies. Boar was not something that was originally on my radar. Australian giant pig movie featuring Nathan Jones, no way not uh. I still found myself curious to see what this movie had to offer. It starred Bill Moseley, horror movie icon in a role that could be considered more milquetoast, John Jarratt not putting backpackers heads on sticks and as mentioned previously Nathan Jones who is a giant of a human being. This cast sounds good.

A giant monster feral boar begins to attack people and eat them. I love a good monster movie. Let's do this. I'm on board. It starts off well and good. It establishes that this monster is extremely dangerous and we should be extremely weary of our potential protagonists. We spend some time with our people. We learn bits and pieces of everyone's relationships. They're fairly annoying, especially the boyfriend. He's so irritating. I understand that in movies like this there have to be d bags like this. I could not wait for him to meet his end.

I have to list off some positives to start out with. The boar itself is quite impressive. They use a mixture of practical effects and digital. It has presence and weight. The thing is genuinely terrifying in certain instances. Bill Moseley as a rather demure man is an interesting casting choice. He pulls it off rather well and I think he has more range than many filmmakers are willing to try. Nathan Jones actually has some decent acting chops. This is the most I've ever seen him talk.

That's it for the positives. I know I was hoping for more myself but this movie has such an oddball structure to it. We spend a bunch of time with people in the beginning and then those people are tossed aside so we can spend more time with John Jarratt and his friends and then it switches to someone else. It feels more like a series of vignettes rather than a complete story. It is the individual story of each person's interactions with the boar. It is kind of mind boggling.

While the boar is extremely well done, the way they fight against it is just sort of stupid sometimes. Why are you charging this thing straight on? You might be the biggest man anyone has ever seen in this town but you can't fight this boar this way. Things just sort of happen and very little suspense or really an effort to help create it is utilized. Also while I am not in the business of spoiling things, that ending is the worst. It infuriated me. I was hollering obscenities at the screen. I know this is not the smartest thing but I found myself overcome with pure emotion. I have had some time to cool down. A trip to the local gas station/deli for a bit of chicken and some dixie beer was enough to get me in the mindset to churn this out. I give this movie a D.

The Lodge Directed by Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz. Written by Severin Fiala,Veronika Franz and Sergio Casci

The Lodge is a bit of a misnomer for this movie. It does take place in the middle of nowhere frozen wilderness all around them. But the lodge is no lodge. It is a massive two story home. It's certainly possible the title has another meaning that escaped me.

The Lodge is about a man with his two children after their mother commits suicide due to divorce and probably some mental health issues as well decide to spend Christmas in this winter home with a new woman. This is such a shock to their system.

It would be a shock to anyone's system. But this is no ordinary woman. This woman is someone their dad studied because of her past. She was part of a cult that killed themselves. She was the only survivor. She takes medication to help with the past. You will learn more about the Heaven's Gate cult she came from as the ghost of it lurks just out of frame in this movie. The trauma of that coupled with her new boyfriend leaving her by herself with these kids starts to weigh on her.

This is a molasses moving picture. You spent all your time in this house. They lose power part way through so you're stuck with awkward feelings and anger and resentment bubbling up waiting to boil over. It just takes such a long time to get to the point you already know it's going to get to. The takes are slow and long. The house is silent. The people are just going through their motions. Their emotions are bottled up and everybody is afraid to let them out. This makes navigating a movie that is so predicated on internal thoughts and an internal life. It's difficult to get a movie like that to play.

The performances are all fine. They do what is asked of them and try to create a believable human being and for the most part they do an okay job. There's just not enough there to occupy the viewer. You know where it's going way before it gets there and there's nothing there to keep you going. It's boring honestly. I have no issues with slow burn movies but there has to be something else to go along with it. You have to add character to it. We have to want to understand these people and that burn must be in service of something else.

I can't recommend this movie to anyone. This was a slog which only had one thing right there at the end. You knew where it was going and it didn't have anything else to make up for that. It is atmospheric in some instances but it simply isn't enough. I give this movie a D.