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1/10
Three Hours of my Life I Desperately Want Back
26 December 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Wow. What can be said about this movie? It doesn't just flirt with blasphemy; it treats blasphemy to dinner and a show before an evening of heavy petting at the local lover's lane. This alone will rile many viewers, but it does not bother me. My problem with this movie lies in an entirely different direction.

(May Contain Spoilers)

This movie is a triumph of execrable writing, pretentious dialogue, and acting for which the word "bad" is entirely insufficient. After seeing Mel Gibson's brilliant "Passion of the Christ," with Semitic-looking actors speaking in Aramaic and Latin, watching Harvey Keitel in flaming Irish red hair and Brooklyn accent play Judas was a real shock. There are other shocks in store, such as a John the Baptist; who, rather than preaching repentance, incites Jesus to violent overthrow of the Romans; John's disciples, who are either in the grip of religious ecstasy or crippling madness (I found the three nude women swaying their heads in unison and mumbling incoherently to be particularly disturbing), and one mind-bending scene in which Jesus pulls out his own heart with one hand while holding an axe in the other.

The movie's main problem is Jesus himself. Willem Defoe's Jesus is a wimpy crybaby. He could give Anakin Skywalker a run for his money ("I don't *wanna* be the Son of God! I wanna go to Tahashi Station and pick up some power converters!). And speaking of Star Wars references, Satan's temptation in the desert seems to have been lifted from Darth Vader's "Luke, join me" speech. Not that the effects budget of this turkey matched that of a Lucas film--"Satan" in that scene seemed to be a flaming gas burner buried just under the sand and turned up on "hi." Jesus' self-pitying lines ("my God is fear," etc) ensured that I would feel no sympathy with this character.

The cinematography was visually jarring and unpleasant to watch. The casting was woefully mismanaged. I have seen all the "anglo-Jesus" films, and a Brooklyn Judas and blonde, bushy-bearded Midwestern Nathaniel would have been easier to take had not the supporting cast looked like they all came from Southern India! The heterogeneity of the cast torpedoed all suspension of disbelief.

For the final insult, Scorsese employs the ultimate narrative cop-out: it was all a dream! Or a hallucination, or whatever. I realize this was the ending in the book, but the movie could have been something better.

The purpose implicit in this piece of cinematic excrement is the de-sanctification of Jesus Christ by "filthy dreamers" who "despise dominion and speak evil of dignities (Jude 1:8)," and I have no problem with that. My problem is that this is a Martin Scorsese film. The same guy who gave us "Goodfellas" and "Raging Bull" shortchanges his audience with this pretentious garbage. I expect better from a filmmaker of Scorsese's stature; even if it is blasphemous, a movie should be good! I am mystified by the praise lavished on this compost pile, and I tell you truly, "polish a turd, it's still a turd."
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7/10
Fun!
23 August 2006
This movie is everything it's supposed to be--right up to Samuel L. Jackson's signature profanity. No one can cuss like Samuel L. Jackson! "Snakes on a Plane" is proof that horrible, debilitating, fatal death can be funny--I giggled all the way through this movie. The scenes will likely be most popular among the 14-year-old crowd, and this is why I love this movie. "Snakes on a Plane" is not entirely without redeeming qualities, however. Some lessons we can learn from this movie are: 1. Fornicating in an airplane bathroom stall will lead to a horrible and surprisingly embarrassing death. 2. No matter what group of quirky strangers Fate lumps you in with in a test of death or survival, everyone will bring with them useful talents and assets to the group, so don't annoy them. 3. If Samuel L. Jackson comes out of nowhere, do what he says, instantly, or you will die.
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This movie totally rocked!
5 October 2003
How to describe this movie? Well, if you were hoping for something serious,stimulating, or educational, you'll be woefully disappointed. If, however, you came ready for almost two hours of fun and nonstop laughs, this is the movie for you. The premise for this movie has been the basis for much lunchroom speculation among Americans from fifth grade all the way to adulthood. Not only is this movie the culmination of the hopes and dreams of many fans, it is much better executed than it could otherwise have been. The producers and director could simply have decided that this movie would be a major box-office draw regardless of what they did, so might as well not do more that necessary. Thank the gods of film they didn't do that. The casting choices were brilliant. The best friend of the first casualty sounds almost identical to Charlie Sheen. The token nerd, Linderman, bears an uncanny resemblance to John Cusack. The stoner was almost the spitting image of Jason Mewes, of "Jay & Silent Bob" fame. Finally,in a "Deputy Dewey" sort of role, there's deputy Stubbs, played by Lochlyn Munro, from Scary Movie--was that done on purpose? From start to finish, the laughs don't stop. The merriment begins with Jason's stalking of the teenagers in the house on 1428 Elm Street, and doesn't stop for me until the credits roll. Freddy's razor-keen aptitude for quotable quips is far more effective in this movie than in his last few, and the hand-to-hand sequences between him and Jason should be the envy of any chop-socky choreographer. If you need a night away from your life to laugh at violence, gore, and mayhem, this is your movie. Don't come expecting a cinematic epic--if you want that, see "Seabiscuit."
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