Reviews

Going in, you'd think this series had it all--a malicious invisible person, nudity, terrorism, a teen girl blowing a dude for an ugly tote bag, and endless shots of a crazy lady with a court jester's hood driving her Volvo around town yammering about 5G. There was even good acting all around. Yet somehow, the writer(s) managed to make it all so boring. The part with the creepy invisible mom stalking the old man was great, but after that the story splinters into a bunch of boring threads. The reward of watching Jester Hood wave sticks around while climbing from the Pit of Hobos just isn't the payoff you'd hope for after four hours of watching people talk about hospital studies and whether they have enough data to publish.

The story never actually tied a link between the antenna and invisibility, so the whole must-blow-up-antenna resistance movement was a red herring. Disappointing.

This flick started well. The creepy guy was just the right level of douche and the chick was the right level of jaded art chick who's slow to catch on. No matter who kills who everybody wins, right? Right up until they arrived at the "cabin," the stolen artwork was put to good use, and suddenly it all fell into a rabbit hole of allusion and art-school drama club where pretention and boredom fight it out.

When I was an undergrad, I stopped going to student films because most of them were overblown yawnfests like this. Yes, we get it, we all had to read the Greek tragedies. We all know what's going to happen.

I hope everyone got credit for this boring piece of crap.

I confess, I downloaded this film because I figured there had to be a "wifelike typing detected" joke in there somewhere. (Spoiler alert: not there. Nor were any other jokes. This film takes itself terribly seriously.)

I almost bailed on it halfway through. The disconcerting sex doll stance of Meredith, the gratuitous "self-exploration mode on" scene, the gross lizard kissing with the balding guy 20 years older who "teaches" her, Agent Jack's wife doing a sexy-wexy dance in lingerie for him-it's like the people who make Skinamax movies saw Ex Machina and Humans and had an idea. It's the sort of film where you suspect the target audience are basement dwellers jerking it to every frame with a woman in it, even the one in teal randomly dancing by herself in the background of the dream party. (Not here to moralize, but if you want to watch porn, just admit it to yourself and watch porn.)

However, the end the film uses its essential creepiness and makes it pay off, handsomely. Jonathan Rhys Meyers not only looks like a balding and confused Ben Stiller from Zoolander, but he's even grosser than we thought! A surprisingly decent justification for a whole lot of creepiness.

Special callout to the extras playing sex dolls, I mean wives, on the stairs at the company run by the cut-rate Bill Maher! What thankless roles. Elena Kampouris does a fine homage to Gemma Chan from Humans.

Ever wanted to see a family (and town) in which only one person speaks at a time and everyone else just stands there, frozen, waiting for their turn to deliver a line, like an elementary school Christmas play?

Ever hoped for a movie in which there's a weird brother with a bowl cut hairdo just like the protagonist's mom?

Ever wanted to see a film in which the protagonist did nothing with her life year after year and instead of rooting for her to get it together and succeed you just want to give her a pinch?

Do you like movies that are padded out by 15% by having the dippy protagonist stare pensively while public domain versions of Christmas songs play?

Ever wanted to see a film in which the protagonist ends up marrying the brain-damaged feeb from the brewery even though he radiates creepy vibes every time she interacts with him?

Ever wanted to see a film in which the protagonist achieves success not through hard work, but simply by waking up and finding her manuscript complete? Or by finding a copy of the published book by the door?

Do you want to hear multiple mentions of Dad's "special" Christmas pancakes?

If you'd like to see all that and more, this is the movie for you!

These are like stories in an anthology, but given a reason to exist together with a profoundly insulting wrapper.

Solid: The acting of the young women and their individual stories.

Pretty good: The acting and approach of the two therapists. (Though the guy lending Leah his phone was astonishingly dumb.)

Garbage: The acting of the woman running the study (her "presentation" practices are just ripoffs of what everyone seems to think professorial lectures look like), her moody and dumb male assistant.

Beyond insulting: The premise of the study, the dependence on confederates, the continual camping below the high-tide line--even after the tidal surge, the way that more and more of the young women on the island reveal themselves to be confederates, the whole "quarantine" prison setup, the "debrief" of the subjects and asking about stuff no one investigating an accident would ever care about, and the random-ass hole in the ground that Leah falls into.

Most annoying character: Speech impediment twin

Best character transformation: Dead Asian woman

Best psych reference: Asch conformity experiments.

Rating +7 for the anthologies and acting -3 for insulting wrapper and bad acting Total = 4.

Once again, poor yuppie Billy Crystal is having trouble at work. Although he's inexplicably fallen upward from failed ad salesman to station manager, has the house in the Westchester with enough land for a bull, and has a wife who's out of his league. All that and he's only turning 40.

His only trouble (aside from a mother whose still alive and loves him and calls him on his birthday) is that he gave a job to his friend and his loser brother has come to stay. Oh, and he thinks he's being haunted by the ghost of Jack Palance, who's looking for his lost dignity. They even manage to spend a whole sentence on why the fluffy blonde Meg Ryan chick from the first movie never came back.

Crystal finds a treasure map and decides to take a side trip from a Las Vegas convention to get the gold. For some reason he decides not to just take an extra couple days there as vacation, but instead lies to his wife about his intentions, even though she was completely understanding about his spending two weeks playing cowboy last year. Oh look, plot tension.

A little Jon Lovitz goes a long way, and there's enough of his usual shmuck routine to last you the rest of your life here.

Throw in a complete recycling of the two bad guys routine, a stupid rip-off of Temple of Doom mine car railroad stuff, and a completely contrived ending in which Parlance has found the gold (and has proof) and yet claims he needs Crystal to help him find the gold.

Sadie: "My boyfriend is a big jerk. I'm gonna leave the big city and see my folks."

Mom and Dad: "Merry Christmas! We're selling the chocolate shop!"

Sadie: "But I wanted to run the shop!"

Mom and Dad: "Suck it, loser. Why don't you help the guy who bought the shop. He doesn't know dick about chocolate."

Mom: "How did I get such an expressionless daughter? Did someone pump your forehead full of Botox?"

Sadie: "Hey, Alex, I'm gonna show you how to make one serving of truffles at a time."

Alex: "Okay."

Sadie: And you have to decorate the shop in advance. It's not because you want to remind people of holidays where they should be buying chocolate, but because when the holiday comes you'll be busy."

Alex: "Okay."

Sadie: "I want to throw a party for my parents. It will be perfect, like my wedding someday."

Alex: "Okay."

Sadie: Have I mentioned yet that everything has to be exactly like my grandfather did things? Mom and Dad made absolutely no improvements."

Alex: "Okay. Hey, I know a place where you can have the reception."

Sadie: "Oh Alex. An abandoned hotel lobby is just what I wanted. I can't wait for the elevator doors to open and blood to pour out!"

Taylor: "It's not really explained who I am, but I'll ask you if you liiiike Alex."

Sadie: "Maybe. But I'm sure he has a girlfriend that doesn't have a fat ass and an expressionless forehead made of pine."

Christmas Tree Farmer: "Still here? Hey, sit around our fire pit. Then have hot chocolate and a cookie. And let me take your photograph. Oh God, I'm so lonely."

Alex: "Speaking of lonely, this is the part where I tell you that my wife is dead, so you can jump my bones, y'know, if you wanted to. Also I have a daughter that looks nothing like me."

Sadie: "Oh no, there are like 100 people coming to the party and I have to make a gingerbread house for each of them."

Alex: "Nobody is making you do that. Just make one big house."

Sadie: "No, it had to be individual ones. And it has to be my grandfather's recipe or else the Devil can break the contract."

Alex: "That's stupid. I'll just order a bunch of gingerbread houses and you can decorate them."

Sadie: "Okay."

Alex: "Oh no, there's a storm and the gingerbread won't get here."

Sadie: "You suck. I'm gonna sulk now. Screw you and your squeeky kid."

Francie: "Squeek squeek squeek!"

Old Boyfriend: "Hey, Sadie, I can come home after all. Hello? Hello movie?"

Sadie: "I compromised with both of our ideas. I made one gingerbread house, but it's a small one so nobody can have have any of it."

Alex: "I love you."

Sadie: "I love you too."

A team of unlikable poseurs who aren't actually good at anything (owners of an empty theater and a bookseller who's never read a book) spend a night and a day trying to impress each other, only to come up with a dumb, derivative idea. The story is further dumbed down with cartoon squiggles, like the visual equivalent of the stupid noises added to "America's Funniest Home Videos."

I don't know what it is about movies with "witch" in the title, but it makes suburban kids act like idiots as soon as there are trees around. In this instance, these dumbasses manage to get lost in western Massachusetts, which is really difficult to do. Sure, these folks choose to go along a closed logging road, but they also (a) don't bother to check their position against a map and obvious landmarks like the mountains, or (b) don't bother to say something like "Check the odometer. If we don't see the place in a mile, we turn back." Instead, they drive for hours (!) before Dude with Rage Issues crashes the car because, well, he's an idiot in a witch movie who's driven for hours in western Mass without managing to cross a major road.

I'll also point out that Dude with Rage Issues doesn't know jack about driving in snow. He gets stuck and immediately gives up. No tries at rocking the car, nothing about putting branches under the wheels for traction, no bags of kitty litter in the back. But he yells a lot, and has his hair slicked back to signify his douchitude, so he's got that going for him. Dude with Rage Issues carries the action by being an idiot in every possible way, from running his car out of gas, shoving people, and stabbing Competent Guy because Spaz Chick gives him a scare. His trademark acting move is to yell like a bleating goat at every setback.

Then, of course, once the car is stuck, everyone does the dumbest thing they can. Look for people but don't bother to, y'know, follow their tracks in the snow? Check. Go off in the woods alone? Sure. Oh, and meanwhile, Smart Chick didn't feel it was worth mentioning to anyone that there were bear traps in the woods because, well, this is a witch movie. When someone inevitably steps in one (looking for someone who disappeared with no explanation what happened to him), he spends his remaining time trying to break a chain with a rock instead of opening the trap. Probably too complex to figure out.

Add in Spaz Chick, who may or may not have been gang raped by the Jock Team, and observed by Dude with Rage Issues. Everyone seems to hate Spaz Chick and it makes you wonder (a) why they invited her, and (b) why she came, other than to act all spooky and mumbly and stuff.

Spaz Chick kills Mall Chick, who you wonder why she's on this trip, since she doesn't appear to get along with anyone. Happily, she gets a ski pole in the throat to shut her up. How that happened doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but hey, witches, right?

The scenery is beautiful, and the woods are gorgeous and peaceful. You can't help but notice there is a ton of standing deadwood, which would have made a lovely campfire and shelter if these dumbasses had ever thought to build one. But witch movie, so of course they're all morons and will die, probably a two-minute walk from a Friendly's.

Hey, characters, we're all having a tense time. Let's go on a small boat where there's nothing to do in the middle of nowhere and drink a lot. Great idea.

Every character in this schlockfest is a cheap ripoff you've seen before:

Newscaster "babe" is a low-rent Renée Zellweger with the annoying voice of Leslie Mann. Unfortunately, she's the only sensible character.

Pirate guy is the Dollar Tree version of the bad guy who is always standing in the back left of the mob boss's office. Normally he never gets any lines. This movie shows you why.

The two main guys are basically indistinguishable. No, wait, the creepier guy has a cleft chin.