Reviews

Brothers and sisters of IMDb

After so many years of trusting your judgement in categorising the "truly awesome" over the "truly awful" in the world of film, I am shocked and stunned by your rating of this absolute stinker of a movie. How enough of you have voted it into the region of 7/10 is an utter mystery to me and in writing this article, I feel like the only sane voice in an insane world.

Just to say it out loud - this film was to the Superhero genre what David Hasslehoff is to pop music - an embarrassment. (Sorry Hoff, you are a legend but only the Germans are tone deaf enough to buy any of your records - stick to TV, the camera loves you).

I for one did not go to the cinema yesterday and part with nearly £30 (allowing for fiancée in tow and the usual mortgage to buy a small coke and popcorn) to see a horrendous love story, crammed full of nauseating schmaltz about the love between a man and a woman, a man and his friend, a man and his aunt, a different man and his sick daughter, a spider and a gooey black alien, etc. etc. I paid that money to see Spiderman kick some ass, rescue a bunch of people, throw around some really heavy stuff with his super strength, and generally save the day.

Don't even get me started about the "humour" that was attempted within the film. On what felt like at least a dozen occasions I found myself sliding out of my seat, trying to hide myself from the rest of the audience in case anyone recognised me watching the worst film of 2007 (it would have been the worst film of the last decade, were it not for "The Thin Red Line" - 1998).

For anyone planning to make a Superhero film from here on in, do yourself (and more importantly the rest of us) a favour, and do two things. First, watch Batman Begins, then, phone Christopher Nolan and ask him to Direct your movie. That is the kind of gritty, action packed film people want to see, with an excellent script and perhaps most importantly, a plot.

I was going to end this article, Spiderman R.I.P., but Batman was salvaged so there is hope, but the current franchise has certainly sent Spidey towards the plug hole.......

Oh my god - where do I begin pulling this turkey to pieces?

Ok, let's start by mourning the loss of Hugh Jackman's %100 record for making good films. Although his acting is of its usual high standard in this 3-legged donkey of a movie, the script was appaling and I'm still trying to work out what accent he was going for. However, I won't start attacking accents just yet... I'm saving that for Kate Beckinsale's Transylvannian, Irish, Christopher Lambert, Twin Peaks attempt that was about as convincing as England's entry in last year's Eurovision Song Contest (don't worry Americans - you're not missing out on anything, trust me). Kate - Nil point (say this with a French accent)!

Before seeing this film I had been praying and praying that Hugh Jackman would be cast as Superman in the upcoming remake that is, might, could, perhaps, was, will be, being made. However, I think that after being subjected to Van Schmelsching ruining what would otherwise have been a fine bucket of sweet popcorn, Danny DeVito would make a more convincing Super Kent.

In short - the script is utterly terrible (Kate Beckinsale - "nothing is faster than Transylvannian horses"... except for the Wolfman, Dracula and all 3 of his brides), The plot is lacking in consistency at best (Why are Dracula's offspring laid as dinosaur eggs..? Why was Frankenstein encased in a block of ice..?) and the CGI was completely pants (no specific examples are necessary).

Another problem that Hollywood seems to have with films set in "Ye Olden Times" is the pathetic ways they manage to get explosions into films that could only ever fit into Independence Day, ie The Wolfman jumps on top of a horse drawn carriage and the roof cathes fire which moments later leads to an explosion that could only have been caused by the computer-detenated C4 lift-shaft scene in Die Hard. Now, I may not be Steven Hawking but I'm pretty sure there's no scientific explanation for that.

The films only saving grace is Kate Beckinsale's scantily clad frame but this is constantly ignored when she speaks in her native Transylvannian, Irish, Christopher Lambert, Twin Peaks tongue.

Give this one a miss folks!

If you haven't guessed already, I can't sing the praises of this movie enough - at last, a zombie flick that is two very important things.

1) Not a B-Movie; 2) An absolutely cracking A-Movie.

Having just got back from the cinema still amazed with the quality of this film I don't know where to begin. The good acting, the spot on cast, the refreshingly unbearable scares, the "Paul Verhovenesque" completely unnecessary but compellingly disgusting gore, the almost uniquely un-Hollywood ending... It's all there.

What is even more amazing about this movie is that it's [re]creators have also managed to tap into what will surely be the unanimous expectations of the target audience. There are no unwanted and unnecessary messages of family values, cheese, cuddles, and love will conquer all, which is fabulous because it leaves far more room for classic lines like, "Tell him to shoot Burt Reynolds" and then the ketchup-tastic head shot that follows. Now you have to admit, that line really can't fit perfectly in to many movies but in the ever consistent mood of Dawn of the Dead, it's right at home.

Ving Rhames is easily the second best thing in the movie (second only to the fast moving, constantly hungry and occasionally limbless zombies) once he actually starts speaking, and it is welcoming that Sarah Polley's Ana is as composed as she is subtle which is great for the audience because for a change the lead female character is not screaming every 30 seconds because, oh my god, someone is trying to bite me whilst drooling oodles of blood and saliva all over my nice white t-shirt. again!

Her character is only clichéd and therefore flawed once throughout the campaign. As the genius of the group, she is the first to work out that when people are bitten they become very ugly, very quickly and develop a penchant for biting others. However she is still inexplicably opposed to killing the aforementioned soon-to-be cannibals. I don't know about you but whilst she was still talking through the morale dilemma of killing would-be zombies before they turned, I'd already be choosing which sponge I was going to use to clean my shoes after removing my trusty shot gun from a red blob that used to be somebody's face. Maybe that's just me though. us Sagittarians are very impulsive.

Since we all have limited attention spans and I'm mindful of not giving too much away about what happens in the move, I'll wrap up by saying that those of you out there who enjoyed this film's original version and have gone on to enjoy films like Starship Troopers, Robocop, Resident Evil etc., then this is definitely the film for you. And even if the above are not representatives of your particular favourite genre, consider this. I went to the cinema with four friends tonight, one of whom stated before paying his money for the ticket, `I don't know why I'm bothering, I hate [rubbish] like this'. He was the one laughing the loudest and coming closest to vomiting throughout the film, and all of us came out saying, `how many Oscars has this been nominated for'..? Sarcastically - yes, but if it was nominated, it'd get my vote. The only thing that could have made it better was Steven Segal instead of Burt Reynolds but you can't have everything.