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glyptoteque
Reviews
Elle (2016)
When suspension of disbelief is an impossibility.
It´s an insidious disease this; when people reach a certain notoriety or fame, in the eyes of quite a few people they can´t seem to artistically do anything wrong whatsoever. If you have made a name for yourself, whether that be in music, film, art etc., you have reached a godly status and are henceforth impeccable and unassailable as a creator. Nothing can touch you, and if by any chance you happen to see through the shoddy seams of the emperor´s robes, you are accused of not having depth enough to "get" the immortal creator´s vision. It looks like shit,it sounds like shit, it smells like shit and it sure taste like shit, but hey, what do you know?! It´s not really shit, it´s your own limited, narrowminded self that stops you from seeing what a transcendental masterpiece it really is. That is the kind of laughable nonsense being spouted from the mouths of the fawning idiots. Blindness sure comes in multiple forms, sigh...
Verhoeven has made one decent film, Basic Instinct, and while not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, it at least had a certain tension and coldness to it that I remember I found tittilating. This piece of trash however? One of the worst films I´ve ever watched, it actually beggars belief.
The main character is a middle aged woman who runs a gaming company, and one day out of nowhere a ski-masked man attacks her in her home and proceeds to rape her. Normally after such a harrowing experience one would think that the victim would experience severe mental trauma and would struggle to cope in her everyday life, because that is the hard reality, right? Of course it is, but hey what do you know? It turns out that this rape don´t faze our main character that much, in fact she doesn´t report it to the police, she really don´t want revenge, and she casually mention the incident to her friends. And hey, her friends, it turns out, aren´t that bothered by the episode either, just one of those pesky things that happens, you know.
Our main character goes about her life, running her company, interacting with her retarded son ( who for the life of him can´t see that the baby his fiancee has just given birth to can´t be his, because you know, he himself and his fiancee is white as snow and the baby is at least four shades darker than him. Of course the baby is his, of course it is. And Verhoeven gets away with writing this shit?!!! ), her man-eating mother, her academic failure of an ex etc.
In between the daily goings on of work and family feuds, a few more rapes is thrown in for good measure, none of them with any tension what so ever. After a while it´s revealed that her rapist is her good neighbour, the one she has a crush on. You would think that this revelation would destroy her world, but considering that the first rape didn´t really leave dent in her, this don´t make much of a negative impression on her artificial soul either. On the contrary, it turns out she quite enjoys being raped, and in between the rapes, she´s having dinner with him and the two of them seems to have quite the lovey-dovey relationship. One usually have such relationships with one´s rapist, doesn´t one? Nothing out of the ordinary I would think.
If you want to sink your teeth into a film that is neither her nor there ( what does it want to be? a dark comedy? a psychological thriller? a family drama? a deep commentary on the dehumanizing of rape? an erotic romp in the delights of s&m? who knows and frankly who cares ), a film where every character is behaving and reacting like automatons and as such impossible to empathise with in any way ( none of them is expressing any real emotion, no response to the different situations occuring is in any sense close to reality ), a film despite it´s premise managing to display zero tension and thrill, by all means, go right ahead. Just be aware that the golden robe the emperor is wearing is an illusion, what is adorned around his body is on the contrary filthy, stinking, worthless rags. He is not a god at all, he is a beggar. His crown is mud.
Iki-jigoku (2000)
A living hell? To watch? No doubt about it!
Wow, this starts out so good; the beautiful cinematography, the smooth editing, the top of the class acting and last but not least the brilliance that is the soundtrack; tinny and cheaper than cheap, repetitive synth-hell ( What a wonderful, imaginative composer! ). And let's not forget the enormously sinister atmosphere on display here, and the vulgar display of over the top gore, what more could you want? Oh yes of course, a brilliantly written screenplay, a story that makes so much sense that it's almost painful at times. Yep, you surely get it all here, no other Asian horror film can compare with this diamond.
Damn, what an absolute travesty this film was. From start to end it's total amateur hour, there simply isn't a single redeeming aspect to be found here. When other reviewers state that they have "been around the horror block" quite a few times and this is one of the nastiest films they have seen, I just know they haven't even taken a step outside the block. Please don't listen to them, they don't know what they are talking about. This moronic attempt at gory horror is the epitome of tame, in no shape or form did I watch something extreme. This for some inane reason has been compared to the untouchable The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ( 1974 ). Besides not a single horror film of that ilk even coming close to the filthy brilliance of that piece of art, it's doubly blasphemous comparing this feeble whimper to that feral roar of a film. So f off with that! It's of course easy to see exactly which scene this abomination lifted it's inspiration from, it's of course from the penultimate scene in TCM. But whereas the dinner scene in TCM is one of the most unnerving and dread inducing scenes ever put to celluloid, in this film it's just moronic over acting, laughing maniacally in a cringe worthy attempt to be oh so scary. Pathetic.
Summarized then; an abortion of a film, crappy acting, lousy cinematography, non- existent gore and dread, and a story so immensely nonsensical it's truly mind-blowing. If you want extreme Asian horror, watch The Untold Story, Tumbling Doll Of Flesh, Naked Blood, Grotesque and Suicide Club. Avoid this turd at all costs!
The Unkindness of Ravens (2016)
Not as creepy as Lord Of Tears
Hmm, contributed ( although meagerly) to this project, and I must admit I had hoped for a slightly better outcome. I felt a bit underwhelmed by this as opposed to Lord of Tears, which was a superior film in my opinion. The same sense of desolation and hopelessness is definitely present, but what is lacking here is the intangible sense of dread. When you choose to display the enemy so frequently, much of the uncanny and the creepy loose its impact, I felt there was such an over-saturation of the raven-men, that it became boring. In Lord Of Tears, the creature was used sparingly, appearing now and then to utter prophecies of doom, but here the raven- men is used to so such an effect that they almost cancel themselves out as figments of horror and madness and instead becoming mere men in beaked costumes. Which of course diminishes greatly the alternate reality you are supposed to be swept up in as a viewer. But all in all, compared to the soulless dreck being released with the label of horror these days, this film is without a doubt a work of passion for horror, and despite the flaws, I suggest you check it out. And whenever Mr. Brewster has a new project, you should support it, there is always room for improvement.
Madness of Many (2013)
Martyrs for the gullible and superficial
What you get served here is pretentiousness aplenty, pseudo-philosophy wrapped in gory effects. Does it have any impact whatsoever? Nada. Does it have anything profound to share with us? Not in the slightest. This is one of those films that deludes many into believing that underneath the repetitive vomit-gore ( and damn it's repetitive, we get it already, it's not extreme, it's just insanely cheap and boring ) and bloodorama, there is actually something of substance to be found, some nihilistic pearls of wisdom to be lapped up. And so just in case we as audience didn't get the "profundity" merely through visuals and music, we also get the message of meaninglessness hammered through our skulls in the form of repetitive and monotone monologue. The absolutely talentless girl conveying her oh so torturous life to us sounds like she is reading off a shopping-list, she displays no emotion at all, we care about her plight as much as we care about cardboard. Not hard to see what the main inspiration for this travesty is either, it's obviously Martyrs. Several images here are copied with shameless glee, but of course with zero impact, mr. Juuhl is simply not talented enough, don't have the proper vision that Pascal Laugier once had. Whereas Martyrs is one of the most unsettling and powerful films out there, creating almost a genre of it's own, transcending horror, this pile of pompous garbage doesn't even begin to reach the depths that Martyrs did. What was an essential aspect to Annas suffering, her journey into trans-formative non-knowledge, was the screaming silence that ran through it all, we felt her pain, we saw ourselves beneath our words, the speechless darkness. This on the other hand is just surface and cliché-angst, monologue that seems to be written by a self- harming emo kid. There is not true darkness to be found here sad to say. Avoid at all costs.
Hunters (2016)
Sinister be thy name!
Whereas The Cemetery was a bit of a letdown for me, I absolutely loved The Burnt House. What an exquisite piece of night that film was! From the first frame I was entranced by the filthy disharmony that was being vomited from the screen, every single frame voiced wrongness, the unholy atmosphere being conveyed in that film was what I consider the epitome of horror, a nightmarish sense of dread. Horror done the right way!
While Hunters is a different kind of beast, I am glad to say that I loved this as well. This time around it's centered around two brothers who find delight in the offing of man while at the same time filming their ravenous deeds. It has to be said, contrary to the warning stating that what you are about to see is ultra-violent, it's certainly not the most extreme film I've seen regarding acts of the unspeakable. It's most certainly a cruel and callous piece of work and the violence and murder on display is certainly up there on the extremity scale, but not to such a degree that it merits a warning.
That being said, I think the essential element here is the life-denying atmosphere, the darkness that hangs over every frame, and Ahlbrandt certainly is one director who has mastered the art of atmosphere, sadly a rather rare trait in this day and age of horror-poverty and popcorn-scares. Any idiot with a bit of cash and a working knowledge of how to make blood and prosthetic limbs can always gather a few friends, pick up a camera and make an "extreme" film, not that hard. Just look at the sorry state of horror these days. But to actually convey through the visual medium a truly horrific atmosphere, to leave an emotional impact, you have to have a vision, a vision obviously born of a profound insight into the darkness in our hearts. Hunters has my warmest recommendations! I wish the director good luck in the future, looking forward to his next piece of filth!
Midnight Special (2016)
Midnight Not Special At All.....
While the director's previous outing was a decent viewing experience, this one has horrendous lack written all over it. The worst kind of films are films where form completely overshadows story and substance but paradoxically pretend to be pregnant with profound meaning. This is definitely one of those. The recipe seems to be: A mind-numbingly slow pace, a mystery that is too opaque for it's own good, characters saying as little as possible, characters pausing for inordinately lengths of time while staring out in space, characters being as morose as possible, long takes of scenery, a minimalistic soundtrack etc. And voila, there you have it, a film that tries to dupe you into believing that what you are being served is deeply philosophical. If you manage to see behind the smoke and mirrors though, if you just scratch the stylish surface a little bit, what you are left with is naught, zero, nil and nada.
And as always with these type of films, if you happen to loathe the film in question, the logic of the "initiates" that do "get it" ( oh lucky you chosen few, taking in the profundity of air ) is not surprisingly that the naysayers have short attention-span and due to their supposedly lack of intelligence ( read, not falling for surface masquerading as depth ) they should stick to Michael Bay films. In other words, if you dislike this film, you must only be happy with explosions and special effects, you should stick to visual junk-food. Flawed logic.
It's perfectly possible hating this film ( and others of it's ilk) and at the same time hating superficial CGI-drenched blockbusters, preferring instead films with a good story, with emotional impact, with actual substance. Midnight Special however is totally devoid of any of these essential elements, it's hollow, it's lackluster, it's pompous and unforgivably pretentious, has zero impact and pretends to give us a message that in reality is non- existent. As much as I hate popcorn-crap like The Avengers, at least those types of films are pure surface and knows it, braindead and proud of it. But this? Surface and the pretense that there actually is something of substance underneath. Yeah, right. Unforgivable.
Martyrs (2015)
Horror for feeble-minded vegetarian children.
"Horror" for feeble-minded, vegetarian children. That is what this hollower-than-thou exercise in redundancy is. The funny thing is that the absolutely worthless directors behind this abomination calls this a re-imagining and not a remake. Let's face it, even though it's not a shot-by-shot remake, it still reeks to high heaven with the stink of remake all over it. But hey, by all means, call it a re-imagining instead and see if replacing a word with another actually makes any difference at all. Yeah, if you "reimagine", it almost sounds like you have genuine artistic vision and integrity. What a joke. The really sad thing is that this feeble filth would never have been made in the first place if Pascal Laugier hadn't had a momentary lapse of reason. Instead he decided in an absolute fit of ( greedy? ) insanity that his pearly vision of wounds and nothingness should be fondled and mangled by swinish hands, his diamond turned into simple glass.From deep existential philosophy in the spirit of Bataille, themes of the wordless suffering behind our words, non- knowledge in the immanent to this; a Hallmark soap-opera pretending to actually have a truly horrifying impact?!! Ha, ha,just sad. What the hell was he thinking?!!
Every single aspect of this stillborn deformity is without any worth whatsoever, the perfected darkness you felt throughout the original is completely absent here, the profound suffering that screamed at you from every frame in the original is here replaced with cardboard characters, middle-of-the road actors that you know just puts on a momentary show of pain. Pain made palatable for the brain-dead children, pain made presentable enough to sell tickets. No real substance and no real darkness to be found here. Move on.
In short, the one and only Martyrs was made in 2008. End of.
Nature Morte (2006)
Ultra light lesbian S & M porn. Horror? Not in the slightest.
There have been some excellent indie-horror in the past few years, like Headless, We Are Still Here, Thanatomorphose and The Burnt House. In that respect, considering the superficial cut and paste "horror" that's being produced in feeble Follywood, true horror fans definitely should be grateful for all the talented and nasty subterranean spirits out there who have a vision and are able to bring their insanity to celluloid. And here is the crux; as long as you really know how to make a horrific atmosphere and have a decent story to tell, chances are that the end result will prove to be satisfying. Of course good acting always helps, but as long as the two aforementioned basics are in place, the ability of the actors ( as long as it's not totally abysmal ) is merely the topping.
This feeble display however is the polar opposite of all things horror, of all things disgusting and nocturnal, and the director should at once redefine himself. Preferably redefine himself into someone not involved with film-production at all. At best, bringing coffee to actually talented directors. As others have mentioned, the technical aspects are plain amateurish; the filter being used is like watching a damn home video ( which would be perfectly acceptable if we were talking faux snuff ) and the lighting is s**t.
As for the story, murderers using the blood of their victims to paint with is titillating enough, but then at the very least I would expect to see some decent bloody killing on display. Sorry to disappoint you immensely, you don't get that here. All you get is abysmal acting, characters that are not believable in any shape or form, and some ultra light lesbian S & M porn. Do you get horror? Not in the slightest. A worthless piece of film.
I violenti di Roma bene (1976)
Bottom of the barrel dubbing/acting and Benny Hill-fights
Ha, ha, ha, this has got to be one of the worst films ever made, luckily though this belongs firmly in the "so bad it's good" category. I laughed all the way through this inane mess and people need to check it out just to see for themselves just how ridiculous it truly is. I really didn 't expect any A-level acting in this, but this is so embarrassing that I'm at loss for words, terrible and hysterically funny! The dubbing isn't synchronized in the slightest and none of the voices match the characters, you have terribly choreographed fights that would fit right into a Benny Hill-skit, well, the whole thing is plainly horrendous. At least you would expect some good old ultra-violence in a film that's called Violence For Kicks, but hey, what do you know? The director and script writer fails miserably here as well, thumbs all the way down!
But check it out if you get the chance, at least it's unintentionally funny and that got to count for something, right?
Mercy (2006)
Pretentious and contrived
Somebody clearly wants to emulate Lynch, this giant sleeping-pill of a film literally shoves it in your face. Too bad then that this utterly pretentious and contrived piece of junk is a billion light-years away of achieving that magnificent and creepy surrealism Lynch is known for. What did this hack of a director think? That making a movie in black & white, setting the pace to snail-mode, making it as killingly minimalist as possible, and last but not least, having a Laura Dern-lookalike as the female lead, somehow would turn it all into a masterpiece of Lynchian dimensions? Most likely.
Everything about this movie feels forced and unnatural and I was bored to tears watching it, it's essentially nothing pretending to be something. If you have any sense at all, don't listen to the rave reviews this has got, instead go and watch Eraserhead again. Now that is truly surreal and existential dread for you!
Honeyspider (2014)
Welcome to amateur hour!
After wasting 76 min. of my life, enduring the abysmal ordeal that is Honeyspider, I can safely say that Mr. Hasty ( what a fitting name ) doesn't have a clue when it comes to creating horror and he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself having the affront to actually release s**t like this. Disgusting.
Nothing works in this movie, and I mean nothing. The acting is horrendous, truly the epitome of bad, not a single syllable that is being spewed out of their stupid mouths is convincing in any shape or form, they have all the charm of cardboard and the tangibility of ghosts. The dimension of reality is non-existent. The pacing and editing is all kinds of wrong; obviously this "director" thinks that spending inordinate amounts of time watching the lead wandering aimlessly around in different settings is pure gold and he clearly don't have a clue as when to switch to another shot. But I guess it's nearly impossible to get this properly done when you have the sensibility of an elephant.
The soundtrack isn't much to write home about either, and most of the time it doesn't fit the scenes at all. The story? Completely meaningless and soulless.
In other words, one of the worst movies ever made. Please don't make another one Mr. Hasty, you and the rest of your crew have zero talent.
The Craving (2011)
If you want truly talentless garbage, this is it!!
It looks like I'm the first one reviewing this piece of garbage and the only reason this piece of dreck even deserves a review is to warn people about the level of retardation they will have to suffer through if they by any chance thought that this maybe could turn out to be a decent horror flick. Let me assure you, this is the polar opposite.
Every single aspect of this abomination of a film reeks of an utter lack of artistic merit, this is so utterly talentless that it's simply amazing; the directing, the script, the "gore", and last but not in any way least, the "acting" Ha, ha, you got to be kidding me?! The acting is so utterly rubbish that I'm at loss for words, a bunch of 2nd graders could have done a much better job, that's the level of realistic dialogue we're talking about here. Absolutely worthless! Here's to genuinely hoping that this hack of a director never again will get to release a film and that the actors never again will appear on the silver screen. What an utter waste of time, thanks for nothing! An average score of 5.7?!! Yeah, the cast is obviously voting on their own film, how pathetic.
Kill That Bitch (2014)
If you only could laugh at the bullshit.....
This has to be one of the worst movies I've ever seen! Decent story? No. Atmosphere? No. Decent acting? No? Any fantastic gore you ask? Definitely no. In this plastic day and age when Follywood is absolutely barren when it comes to creativity in the horror-genre, instead spewing out harmless filth to satiate the kiddies, sometimes a fresh breath of air is to be found within the independent horror-community. But let me tell you, this film is a shame, no redeeming qualities whatsoever! For starters, the acting is on par with a pre-school play, absolutely ridiculous, you don't believe a single word word that comes out of their stupid mouths. Second, the plot is totally lame, no real thought behind it if I'm being honest. And yeah, I said it already, no atmosphere at all, and in a so called horror movie, that is inexcusable. Last but not least, the gore is so mild that my grandma safely could have watched it. So, what are you left with then? Absolutely nothing. I hate the fact that I actually bought this filth, but as the filth it truly is, I'm throwing it in the garbage. And to think the director actually is proud of this abomination, unbelievable! This is even worse than Coffin Baby, at least you could laugh at that one.... If you want excellent horrific and sleazy pieces of art, from the bottom of my heart I recommend Headless and Gutterballs. Done the right way. Avoid this at all costs.
American Mary (2012)
Underwhelming to say the least!
This is pure crap, believe you me, and judging by the lackluster and tame affair we are being served here, I sincerely hope that the talentless Soska-sisters never get to put their name on a horror-film ever again. There is not a single redeeming aspect to be found here; considering the plot you would think that a plot like this at least would deserve some delightful gore here and there, but no, the hacks decided to take the bloodless and implied-route. And that is a position that could have been defended if this turd of a film actually had a noteworthy atmosphere and a decent script, but both are non-existent. The Soska-sisters, the future of horror?! That is simply put the biggest f***ing insult you could throw at the horror-genre, in no way or form does this anemic bore-fest deserve the holy tag of horror. Blasphemy. To think that this pile of dung has garnered so much anticipation, attention and downright praise is the real horror here. The stuff of nightmares.
Repulsion (1965)
A truly boring experience.
Who would have thought that a film applauded by so many as a truly frightening experience would be non-impressive, non-engaging and simply boring? Well, what is truly frightening is the fact that people actually find this piece of snail-trash to be a sleep-depriver instead of a sleep- inducer. Frail minds I guess. Except for nice cinematography, not too shoddy acting, and a scene involving an attack with a razor, I hated the film. Considering this is a story about a woman's descent into madness, a struggle with her own hell, it's simply amazing how you can have such a premise and then create something so utterly dull as this. This, menacing? !! Far from it, not even mildly unsettling, to think that this film will continue to get praise which in my opinion it does not in the slightly deserves, is a shame. If you want menacing and excellent films by Polanski, watch Rosemary's Baby, The Tenant, or The Ninth Gate. Avoid this one at all cost.
The Woman in Black (2012)
Another lousy remake. What else to expect.....
There is a horrible disease running rampant in the film-world, and there seems to be no cure: The re-make virus. The absolutely disgusting recipe? "We will try and fix that which isn't broken." As far as I'm concerned, there has only been one necessary remake, and that is the first The Hills Have Eyes. Besides that, what the is wrong with the dimwits deciding to do a remake of films that in no way or form can not be bettered? The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?!! Ringu?!! A Nightmare On Elm Street?!! And the list and the madness goes on forever. And of course, some moron decided to do a remake of The Woman In Black, the original being in my book one of the scariest horror-films I have ever seen, genuinely chilling.
This one? Ha, ha, what a joke of a film, lo and behold a big budget and zero scares, sounds familiar? Where the original had such a creepy sense of foreboding and doom throughout, not caring to explain every single detail ( I guess a moronic audience needs everything to be spoon-fed to them ) and thus leaving the mystery intact, here they have gone for cheap shock tactics, your run-of-the-mill dead children running about, a rewritten and overly fleshed out storyline, and last but not least an ending that is pure crap. And Harry Potter as Arthur? He still looks like he is 15, so no, not believable in the slightest. Bottom line; if you are 14 and your sad life as an idolizer revolves around everything Radcliffe does and says, and this is your first scary movie by all means, this is right up your street. Drool and **** your pants at the same time! If not, and you actually are a grown-up with a well-developed taste and sense for horror, watch the original. End of.
Long Pigs (2007)
A horror-film without the horror.
Even though I'm not a big fan of mockumentaries, ( I prefer pure fiction or pure documentary, the mix is often neither fish nor fowl ), I had somewhat high hopes for this. But what can I say? I understand the reasoning behind the film; to give us a matter-of-factly view into the motives and actions of your next-door cannibal, contrast his unspeakable deeds and grotesque philosophical musings with his more mundane everyday-activities, and out of these contrasts horror shall grow. And often this recipe works very well, perhaps because this is so close to reality, many serial killers are often unassuming and tedious in their sheepish guise, the type nobody would suspect to be a killer. The film that comes closest to Long Pigs is of course Man Bites Dog, but in that film everything works and the end-product is a diamond.In Long Pigs on the other hand this approach doesn't work at all, and what you are left with is a boring man's life spiced up with a couple of scenes of slaughter for good measure. You know something is wrong when two thirds of the film is a yawn-fest of smalltalk, and one third is spent on the actual deeds. And even the sections of slaughter doesn't really convey any sense of menace and horror, fair enough the special effects are great ( hence the three stars ), but I could just as well have enjoyed an episode of Hell's Kitchen, at least there you get a certain sense of dread. Here, on the other hand, it is non- existing, and that, in a horror-film is a mortal sin. If you want a brilliant mockumentary, watch Man Bites Dog, if you want a proper cookery-class, watch Cannibal Holocaust or Cannibal. Avoid this snoozer.
The Gray Man (2007)
An absolutely tedious and toothless affair. Avoid!!
Considering that this film was supposed to tell the story about one of the most bizarre serial killers in history, it's absolutely amazing that the end result we get served is this tedious muck. Something is definitely wrong when you realize that the film you are watching easily can be labeled " a film for the whole family", a film the Hallmark channel would "proudly present." Instead of a thoroughly deep-dive into Mr. Fish's murky psyche, a proper probing into the mechanizations that drove this deranged specimen of a man, a both tell and show with the slaughter and cannibalizing of Grace Budd, what you get is a badly acted detective-story ( with film-noiresque monologue ), a lead that don't remotely look like Albert Fish, and a misplaced focus on the detective in charge. The gore is of course non-existent, and while this "tell, don't show" approach work excellently in films like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dahmer, here it is sorely missed. Inexcusable. Not to mention that certain liberties is being taken in regards to what really happened.
Bottom line; if you want a scary film for the kiddies ( age 3-12 ), go for this one!! On the other hand, if you want a properly nasty horror-film about good old Albert, you better keep your fingers crossed for a director that truly have the courage to handle this dark material the way it deserves! Hopefully soon one will come along......
The Devil Rides Out (1968)
One of the worst films I have ever seen!
Ha, ha, ha, this turd of a film is so laughably bad it beggars belief! And here people are, actually giving this melodramatic bulls***t a full score?! What???!!! Have I been watching the same film? Just goes to show that they have p**s poor taste! Every single aspect of this film shows the complete lack of talent on display here ( with the exception of Lee, but even he gets lost in the mud all around him ); ridiculously stiff and pompous dialogue, truly cringe-worthy special effects, well you get the picture. And where the hell did they find the actors playing Rex and Tanith? Completely devoid of any acting ability whatsoever. A word of caution; please, whatever you do, don't get sucked in by all the yea-sayers here, trying to convince you this is a stellar film, it is quite the opposite. If you want to watch a film with Sir Satan himself in the lead, go for Omen, Rosemary's Baby and The Exorcist. But this? 7.1 as a general rating?! A big depressing joke. It seems pigs can fly after all.....
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)
Don't be afraid of the dark? No truer words spoken.
Wow, simply wow!! Can not fathom the massive praise this sh**-fest of a "horror"-film has received, it is probably one of the worst films I have ever watched! Granted, it may have been scary if you watched it snuggled up in your diapers, so a part of the inane praise boils down to a trip to nostalgia-land, but considering the same people finds it just as scary now, is simply beyond belief! Ha, ha, getting scared by midgets with potato-heads? Awww, where is your blankie then? Pathetic. Everything is crap with this film, and I sincerely hope more nay-sayers will come along to bring a healthy counter-weight to the rating it currently has received. Even better, tip the scales completely so that hopefully in a little while the general rating will be 1. That is all it deserves. But my guess is that it will be a cold day in hell before that happens, sad to say.
Diabel (1972)
A whole lot of screaming and pushing....and nothing else.
I thought "Possession" was a brilliant feat of surreality, the absolutely dis-harmonic atmosphere in that film was amazing. So what about Diabel then? Does it deserve being lauded with praise? In my humble opinion, not at all. First of all, the story the filmmaker is trying to tell here is inanely boring in itself ( who f**king cares about the plight of the polish unless you happen to be polish yourself? ). Second it does not help masking it up in code and symbolic speech, does not make it more interesting to watch, just more pretentious. Third, the actors felt like no more than empty props, vacant carriers existing only as receptacles for the underlying message, spouting a pompous, quasi-philosophical dialog, displaying a never ending theatrical behavior which was nauseating. Last, but by no means least, the so called violence on display here was meek, nothing to write home about. In short, if you want an absolute bore-fest; a whole lot of screaming and pushing, flailing of arms and legs, and violence that your Christian grandmother safely could watch, then this is the film for you. What a bucket full of pretentious p**s!!!
Seul contre tous (1998)
A massive disappointment.
What on earth are people talking about?!! If you honestly think that this boring film is extreme in any way or form, you are nothing but unforgivably squeamish. Which also indicates that the number of truly extreme films you have watched is close to zero. Words cannot express how disappointed I was when the credits started rolling; where was the extreme violence that for some inane reason merited a warning label on the cover? Hmmm, let's see, was it when the fatso performed an abortion by boxing? Nope, could not be less shocking. Was it when the fatso decided to perform euthanasia on his daughter by gun? Not at all. Was it when.....oh wait, seems like I have run out of alternatives here, that's all folks. One beating that doesn't make you batter an eyelid, and one shooting which turns out to be nothing other than a figment of his imagination anyway. Oh, how fulfilling indeed! I applaud the director for the concept, too bad that the nihilism and misanthropy the protagonist was spouting was not turned into action. One tire so easily of the preaching, one wants practice. Watch Funny Games instead, Mr. Haneke knows his craft.
¿Quién puede matar a un niño? (1976)
Nothing to write home about.
Well, this is one of the early efforts in "the evil child" genre, and I really had looked forward to watching this. Unfortunately, this film was neither extreme nor a masterpiece, and it often moved at snail's pace. By all means, it was watchable, but the feeling of being unnerved in any way, was sorely amiss. How sensitivity, constitution and tastes differ. The positive aspects with this "golden" oldie, is the acting, and a fairly decent atmosphere, aside from that, not much to write home about really.
Now, on to the power of suggestion. In true masterpieces like the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this works very well, that film has such a nasty, fiendish, corroding atmosphere, that showing the slaughter in gory detail, would surely have devalued the entire experience. I wish I could say the same in this case. But no, this film surely is in dire need of "show, not tell." Literally every murder has already happened, and when the opportunity is there to revel in some sadistic, child's play, like with the woman snatched away from the switchboard, it is not exploited at all, and the camera turns back to the two protagonists. Now, how boring is that? The only extreme aspect of the film is the opening, talk about promising but not delivering. By all means, watch it, but in no shape or form expect something extreme and groundbreaking. I would go for The Children (2008) or Children of the Corn instead. Both are far superior films.
Babysitter Wanted (2007)
A total waste of time.
Eeeh, and what the f**k was this supposed to be then? A new, sparkling dawn of horror? Finally a film that would be a fresh breath of air in an otherwise unoriginal genre? Now, that would have been jolly good, but surprise, surprise, the answer is the usual depressing NO! As others have stated here, the film actually have a somewhat decent beginning, but as soon as you see the little boxes of devil-food the family has stored away, it all turns into the biggest pile of excrement you will ever see. We all know how immensely overused "evil" kids are in this genre, and I guess it was just a matter of time before this evil quality got literally manifested as a pair of horns. Two words, pathetic and laughable. There is only one decent scene in this entire pseudo-horror flick, and that is the slaughter-scene, and even that scene could have been given in much more detail. Details, as in the German film "Cannibal."Come to think of it, they should have ditched the occult connotations, and just made a plain cannibal film, not some sanitized teen-fodder of course, but a proper adult one, where you would see in clinical detail the slaughter, the cooking and then the meal.
But that would take a horror-director not intent on despicable crowd-pleasing, and that would take a true horror-fan to stomach, both seem like an almost extinct breed today. After watching this crap, what I'm left with is: Most people gobble up inane, vanilla-horror like there is no tomorrow, and most directors should keep their grubby hands to themselves when thinking of the possibility of making a horror-film. No wonder this genre is in such a sad state today, with so many idiots intent on cheapening the term, intent on mangle it into no recognition, are roaming free. I beg of you, please, please stay away from this film-turd, like 98 % of today's "horror"-films, it's yet again time wasted. Sad.
Inferno (1980)
From high hopes to disappointment.
One thing that has always bugged me enormously about Mr. Argentos films, are his blatant disregard for decent scripts and good actors, preferring to focus solely on visual and auditory extravaganza. Considering the latter aspect, I can not help but to applaud the man for being somewhat of a master when it comes to creating a sinister atmosphere. Few can match him here. I think my favourite films penned by him have to be Suspiria, Phenomena, and Trauma. Of course, as all his films are ultimately marred by bad script and acting, the aforementioned films are sadly no exception. But what these films have going for them, (unlike his lesser films) ,especially Suspiria, are a twisted and dark atmosphere that tends to overshadow the fact that the lines delivered often seem to be spoken by robots. I really enjoyed Suspiria, and in my opinion, it is probably one of the most atmospheric horror-flicks out there, in addition, the murders are delightfully inventive here.
So what to say then about Inferno, the follow up to Suspiria? One thing is certain; I refuse to join the choir of appraisal, for the sole reason that, compared to the brilliance of Suspiria, this is really nothing special at all. Sure, he creates some striking visuals yet again, and I absolutely love the many times mentioned underwater-scene. But all in all, this is quite an forgettable film, with forgettable murders, shitty acting, and with an ultimately forgettable atmosphere. One thing that I fail to grasp though, is the fact that many seem to view this film as confusing, which, in my opinion it is not. Quite easy to understand, if you ask me. I think this film would have been much better, if Argento dropped all the dialogue, and created a lot more tension and more sinister visuals( ala the underwater scene). As it stand now though, it is a boring experience. Plain and simple.