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The Country Bears (2002)
A Disgrace to Mankind
I surely cannot be alone in the notion that The Country Bears is one of the most abominable creations in the history of cinema. It is weak, rambling, incoherent, unfunny, irritating, tedious and just plain stupid. With no shortage of bizarrely and ridiculously out-of-place moments, watching The Country Bears is a harrowing experience. A worthless and shameful film, it seems as though Disney has tried to hush this disgrace up as much as they could; I, unfortunately, stumbled upon it anyway at the recommendation of a supposed friend.
Based on a theme park ride, The Country Bears tells the story of a fictional band of anthropomorphic bears who have not only gained the ability to interact with humans, but also to play country music at an adept level, and do so without any question from the human race. This concept alone is awfully flimsy, but one would assume a company as experienced as Disney would be able to pull it off for a family film.
They couldn't.
After a nauseating montage of bears playing god-awful country music, the audience (already molested on a cinematic level) is subjected to a dinner table scene that rivals that of Eraserhead on the defecate-yourself-in-fright-o-meter. Beary Barrington (a bear, just in case you hadn't guessed) decides to confront his human parents about the nature of his upbringing, as he is beginning to feel left out. It turns out that Beary is on to something, because although his parents deny anything fishy, stating that they will always love him no matter what, Beary's human brother Dex reveals to him that he is adopted. Enraged at this utterly shocking revelation, Beary leaves home and embarks on the trip of a lifetime.
Because he is the number one fan of the Country Bears, Beary heads to Country Bear Hall, the primary concert hall for the band before they split up. It is there that Beary learns from the property caretaker and the Country Bears' manager (who both happen to be at Country Bear Hall at the precise moment Beary arrives) that there are plans to demolish the building. Overseeing this act of pure evil is unhinged banker Reed Thimple – played by Christopher Walken.
To raise money for Country Bear Hall, Beary Barrington's IQ boosts itself by several hundred points and Beary suggests getting the band back together to do one final gig. Henry, the band's manager, seems to think this is a good idea and thus begins the odyssey of torturous ursine antics.
Imagine the first half of the 2011 Muppet film, except devoid of any wit whatsoever. The movie takes a standard road-trip story, and whilst trying and failing miserably to be a biting satire of country bands, throws in poorly thought-out (and equally as poorly executed) sequences of slapstick violence, turgid musical performances, and pseudo-Spielbergian familiarity, all to create a haemorrhage-inducing nightmare.
After a painfully irrelevant musical act in a restaurant, the band of bears discover they are wanted by the police for supposedly "kidnapping" Beary Barrington. Cue a police chase that would give Bullitt a run for its money, which features the policemen being sucked out of the patrol car into a car wash and subjected to the horrors of automobile cleaning, resulting in a side-splitting gag involving the policemen's disheveled hair.
At the wedding, the bears find Ted, but he refuses to play the last Country Bears gig (for reasons undisclosed). Instead of actually coming up with an intelligent way to resolve this problem, screenwriter Mark Perez settles the matter with one of the bears punching Ted in the face (knocking him out) and dragging him onto the bus against his will. When Ted regains consciousness, it's not touched on again.
Soon the Country Bears are fighting amongst each other about whether or not they are in fact a family (not in blood, but in bond). Beary Barrington somehow comes to the conclusion that the humans that raised him are his real family (totally irrespective of the fact that he is a bear), and thus he returns to his home to reunite with his human parents and brother. After finding and reading a piece of fan-mail from Beary, telling the Country Bears how much they meant to him, Ted visits Beary and apologises, seeing the error of his ways.
The film builds to a stunning climax as Christopher Walken kidnaps and threatens to kill the other Country Bears. It is at this point where the film dishes out a twist that would make even M. Night Shayamalan writhe with shock. I shan't spoil it for you, but I will say that Christopher Walken's character is a lot more layered than we were led to believe, and Mr Walken really gets to show off his acting chops.
Sarcasm aside, all the problems are resolved more or less peacefully (or not resolved at all), and the film finishes with not one, but TWO terrible songs from the Country Bears in their last gig. Beary Barrington even gets to perform with his idols, despite having no practice with them (or anyone else, for that matter). It makes no sense for the bears to be able to play musical instruments anyway – they don't have the thumbs for it.
The atrocious pacing and the vacuously prosaic music don't help this dire trainwreck of a movie, but it's the pathetic excuse for a screenplay that really turns this film to trash. The only thing redeemable about this film is Christopher Walken, but even his performance is only enjoyable from an ironic angle. The Country Bears is an insult to music, an insult to cinema, and an insult to the minds of children. I'm ashamed for the human race that this film has seen the light of day, and I hope that maybe we can learn from this heinous mistake so that the future may be a brighter place to live.
Dazed and Confused (1993)
Dazed and Confused
Dazed and Confused is one of those movies that perfectly captures the essence of a bygone era. The 70s, in my opinion, were some of the greatest years in human history - unfortunately I was not around to see them. It is because of this that I did not experience the nostalgia that an older person may experience. I knew that I would not feel nostalgic going into the movie, so this did not bother nor surprise me. I thought that luckily I would have the plot and characters to be entertained by. I was wrong. Perhaps I'm being harsh here, but there was no plot. Three acts in a story does not constitute a 'beginning', 'middle' and 'end'.
As for the characters...I just didn't like or relate to ANY of the characters in the movie (except maybe the one with the spectacles). I have never been whacked on the buttocks by a paddle, got laid, smoked pot or been to a 'party', so I had absolutely no connection to any of the characters whatsoever. I do have to give the movie credit, however, for accurately portraying a bunch of complete idiots. The people portrayed in this movie are people that I would willingly have no affiliation with in real life, so you can probably understand why I loathed them. At the start of the movie, they just irritated me, but by about two-thirds in, I just didn't care anymore. I mean, who gives an Oompa Loompa's anus whom is going out with whom? Or who gets on the football team? WHO CARES?! Okay, I can understand that there are people out there who have experienced the things portrayed in this movie, but for a movie to present itself solely as a flipping time capsule is just plain selfish. Movies such as Donnie Darko, The Breakfast Club, even Back to the Future are able to provide nostalgia but at the same time provide a rich, compelling story with interesting characters and innovative directing. Seeing a bunch of American teenagers act like tossers for an entire night is not fun, it is not nostalgic, it is not thought-provoking. The only scene in the whole movie that was REALLY any good was at the end when the main character stands up to the football coach by refusing to sign the paper. That was nice! That was actually a good scene, and it made the point it was trying to make very, very well.
Once again I credit the movie for the accurate portrayal of complete morons - seriously, I was utterly convinced. The script was dead-on in its depiction of a bunch of idiots trying to seem 'edgy' by smoking weed. I must admit I did laugh at some of the dialogue as well (the George Washington conspiracy theory was particularly amusing). Still, this movie did absolutely nothing for me. It was a vapid, empty, soulless experience. I mildly enjoyed the experience of being taken to another setting, but when that setting is inhabited by mindless idiots it is a little hard to have a good time. The soundtrack, yes, was excellent. But a good film does a pleasant soundtrack not make. I could just go on the internet and listen to a bunch of these 70s hits (isn't it funny how it was only future well-known songs they played back in 1976), and that way I don't need to have good music accompanied by the asinine antics of a group of quasi-rebellious cretins.
Richard Linklater has done well in presenting us with a portrayal of life as an American dunderhead (pleonasm), but when in doing so he is insulting anybody that wasn't alive then, considering he has provided them with no plot or innovative direction for them to enjoy, it is a right pain; why should I enjoy your film, Mr Linklater, if you do not give two single shinkansens whether I do or not? Okay, you didn't make it for me, I get it! And I must commend you on your ability to express yourself without caring what other people think - but don't for ONE SECOND think you can get away with transporting us to another time without giving us something decent to work with!
Falling Down (1993)
Falling Down
Falling Down is a smart, tense thriller, one that within a few minutes has you on the edge of your seat. From the very beginning, we are forced to live alongside William Foster (Michael Douglas) for a single day. One hot and sweaty summer, Foster abandons his car in the middle of a traffic jam and goes on an increasingly violent rampage to get his own back on society; all the while trying to make it very clear that he is not a vigilante; he just wants to get to his daughter's birthday party. It all comes together perfectly right before our eyes.
So it all starts off tame, yet totally enthralling; we are shown the chaos of modern day life through the eyes of one man. William Foster strikes one as a regular, mild-mannered guy. Douglas plays him quietly, gently, capturing the mannerisms of an ordinary middle class man. But only mere minutes into the film, this relaxed façade is shelved and we are thrown into a shattering confrontation at a general store, where Foster explodes and releases his inner thoughts on society, behaviour and ethnicity. We see elements of Foster's normality throughout the film,but from act one onwards we don't look at him in quite the same way; in fact, we barely see a normal man at all.
Although Falling Down is not an action movie, there is a firefight early on and once some angry Latino gangs get on Foster's trail, violence crops up quite often. It's not only gangs going after William Foster either; Sergeant Prendergast (played half-heartedly by Robert Duvall), on his last day before retirement and also quite fed-up with society, is quickly alerted of Foster's rampages and takes the case into his own hands. Before the intense stand-off in the finale, Foster runs into some trouble at a fast food joint, confronts a white supremacist surplus store owner, and launches an impressive attack on a group of lazy construction workers.
The pacing throughout this tremendous movie is perfect, with the music keeping the tension palpable for the duration. Michael Douglas gives a spectacular performance from the get-go in both his quiet, emotional moments with his ex-wife and child, and his insane rampages as he becomes increasingly mentally unstable. Falling Down is taut, shocking and sometimes even darkly funny; the perfect mix of action, thrills and the ultimate social commentary.
8/10
The Lone Ranger (2013)
The Lone Ranger
Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer team up once again with Johnny Depp in an attempt to create another action adventure to rival their previous project, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Have they succeeded? Well, not quite.
The Lone Ranger gives us a refreshing spin on the legend of lawyer-turned-action-man, John Reid (Armie Hammer), and his adventures in the Wild West with Native American warrior Tonto (Johnny Depp). This movie tells us of how they met, and Reid's quest to deliver justice to the man that killed his brother, Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner). There's an excellent cast here, with good performances from Tom Wilkinson and Helena Bonham Carter, but The Lone Ranger is nowhere near as good as it should be.
This is not to say, however, that The Lone Ranger isn't entertaining. On the contrary, it provides some good romping action scenes and impressive set pieces, but those expecting action-adventure at the standard of Pirates will be tremendously disappointed.
The action scenes are excellent, the first and last being the most memorable. Some of the stunts are absolutely amazing, and there is the same sense of fun during these action scenes that is present in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie just isn't fun. There are some occasional laughs, but the frequency of over-the-top violence makes the romping nature of the film in its entirety non-existent. There is one scene in particular, relatively early in the film, that is easily the most violent scene in the history of Disney movies. The film's big romping set pieces don't come often enough, but when they do they are very satisfying and put a smile on your face. The film looks great, but some of its innards are below par.
Johnny Depp brings a bit of humour to his character, and his performance isn't as over-the-top as Jack Sparrow. Maybe this is because Johnny Depp takes the role of Tonto more seriously, or perhaps it is just to make way for Armie Hammer's portrayal of John Reid – the Lone Ranger. Hammer gives a competent performance, but many others could have done the job better. There is chemistry between the two leads, and the acting from the rest of the cast is decent enough, but the plot could be better. At a whopping two and a half hours, the movie does meander a bit, but tries to keep the pace even – with no scenes feeling rushed and very few feeling like they are dragging.
All in all, The Lone Ranger provides some entertainment, with enormously impressive visuals and an excellent score from Hans Zimmer, as always, who keeps it faithful to the original adaptations. The violence may be off-putting for some, and the movie does have its flaws, but The Lone Ranger has all the ingredients of a decent film, even if it doesn't exactly follow the recipe. With enough for an enjoyable ride, The Lone Ranger isn't as bad as the critics say, but I can't help feeling a bit disappointed.
Skellig (2009)
Skellig
This is a fantastic movie. The performances are so good that this has to be the most realistic family movie I've ever seen. Even if it features a prehistoric man with wings. 'Skellig' is a beautiful movie to watch. It's funny, very sad, and just amazing.
The whole cast is brilliant. I can't say enough good things about John Simm, who gives an awesome performance once again as the father of Michael (the main character). Everything about this movie is beautiful. It's got fine family drama, and of course elements of fantasy. I loved it so much that I read the book after and I must say that the movie is extremely different. The book focuses primarily on 'the Owl Man' whereas the film tells the story not only of this but of Michael's family and his newborn sister, who is sick throughout the movie. However, the film does tell the story with the same wonderful poetry as the book and evokes perhaps even stronger feelings than the book does.
I won't deny that I cried quite a few times in this movie. It's just beautiful - everyone should see it.
The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2001)
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
I'm quite sure that there are people that would like this movie. I am not one of them. 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice' is really bad. The effects are alright for a low-budget film like this, but the script, props, acting, and characterisation are all truly shocking.
Luckily, this makes for quite an entertaining ride as you can laugh at all the rubbish acting and ridiculous plot points. The concept isn't totally ridiculous, but it's executed poorly and there seems to be no real point to why anyone is doing anything and then everything just starts to get a bit silly. Which is funny.
Some kids will probably love it. The problem though is that its probably aimed at children who will be intelligent enough to know that it is badly-made movie. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it's not very memorable so it won't stay with you for too long (except for one disturbing scene involving a milkshake).
If you want a decent movie, try and stay away from this. If you like to point and laugh at things, then this may prove itself a worthy target - especially if you already know about the legend of Merlin.