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4/10
Let Them Watch Cake!
25 October 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Marie Antoinette is the film equivalent of one of those expensive fashion magazines that pepper indie art galleries – packed with achingly hip aesthetics but free of meaningful content. The film traces the life of the last Queen of France from her introduction to the French court until her departure from Versailles. If you're looking for serious history though, you're better off sticking to Antonia Fraser's source novel. Wigs, footmen and finery are more often than not filmed to the strains of 80s pop and punk and a pair of Converse shoes even sneaks onto the screen (though viewers will have to be sharp-eyed to spot them). It's the 18th century, Jim, but not as we know it. Marie Antoinette the film shares the obsessions of Marie Antoinette the character – shoes, cakes, finery and having fun. It even finishes before the dark conclusion to Marie Antoinette's tale – her arrest and subsequent death by guillotine for treason. Sophia Coppola's last film, Lost in Translation, won an Academy Award for Best Screenplay but it's safe to say she won't be receiving any such plaudits for this script. There's barely any dialogue for the first twenty minutes, and most exchanges thereafter are pithy and shallow. Great actors – Rip Torn, Danny Huston, Shirley Henderson – are given nothing much more to do than push the narrative along its slow path. Dunst's role is mainly to giggle, roll her eyes, and run around in period costume. O.C. characters have more depth. Visually, however, the film is stunning. No, better than that: it's luscious. Coppola was given special dispensation to film in Versailles and all the extravagant finery of the palace's rooms unfolds across your screens. When Dunst has a shopping spree – to the anachronistic sounds of I Want Candy by Bow Bow Bow – you go with her, feasting on cream-stuffed cakes, delicately stitched shoes and beautiful, patterned fabrics. The film is an orgy of materialism, filmed with the sharp editing and honed soundtrack of a television advert. All of which makes it difficult to see what point Coppola's making. The camera's fetishises the spoils of wealth and yet we're encouraged to feel sympathy for her as the revolutionaries close in on the palace at the film's end. She wants us to think Marie Antoinette's character was misrepresented – 'I never said that!' she claims of the famous 'Let them eat cake!' reports – but shows us enough debauchery to reinforce the common perception. In fact, it's difficult not to see the director herself mirrored in her central character as it was in Lost in Translation – the spoiled Hollywood royalty reaping the benefit of her connections to stuff herself (and her film) with profligate confectionery. Your enjoyment of Marie Antoinette will depend on how you go in. If you're expecting Dangerous Liaisons you'll hate it. If you think you'd enjoy an 18th century hybrid of A Knight's Tale with Clueless, kick off your Converse, stock up on fairy cakes and indulge.
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1/10
Abnormally Bad
29 January 2006
It's very easy to write a bad review. Every hack reviewer gets the temptation when sitting through a boring film to just pack in the screening, go home and write 500 words of spiteful critical mass. It's easy.

But there are no words in the critical lexicon to convey the sheer, utter awfulness of this film. It's laughable. It's terrible. It's incredible that it got made.

Firstly you have the frankly quite masturbatory concept - clearly thought-up by a creepily lascivious film producer - of having the film's two leads as hot teenage lesbians. Immature voyeuristic fantasy, anyone? I'm guessing censorship issues denied Mr Producer the chance to get the sapphic activities of these two lovely ladies on film: if you're watching this film to get your kicks you'll be disappointed.

Hot lesbian #1 becomes obsessed with taking photos of dead animals. This plot strand takes up about an hour of the film, before it sinks into a dull rip-off of 8mm, Lost Highway, and Ringu. Hot lesbian #2 has little to do except stand around looking hot, and getting into sexy arguments. The shocks aren't shocking, and the gore isn't gory. If you're scared watching this, then you should steer well clear of Scooby Doo. Odd filters and silly jump editing do not a horror film make.

The ending is ridiculous, and you will certainly feel cheated if and when you suffer the misfortune of watching this film. I don't know what 'Oxide Pang' was thinking. Perhaps he was thinking 'i can't think of a proper ending... i'll just make it up as i go along'. Not that it matters much, because it's so badly edited and lit you can hardly see what happens anyway.

English-speaking viewers will be hampered by the ludicrously bad subtitles. At one point, a character asking (presumably)'why the long face' has her words translated as 'why are you so lengthy of countenance?'. Some lines aren't translated at all.

If this hyperactive, under-lit, overwrought and incomprehensible film is the new face of bold Asian horror cinema then I'm Jackie Chan. You will regret watching this. It is almost an hour and half of your life that you could do far better things with. Visit your grandmother. Cook your wife a meal. Just don't for God's sake watch Abnormal Beauty.
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