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amishgoat
Reviews
Ratu ilmu hitam (1981)
Mondo Macabro DVD release, censored?
1st let me say that Queen of Black Magic is a great slice of Indonesian horror, chock full of flying heads, exploding bodies and some hilarious overdubs. That said, I noticed something that others may have not when watching my newly purchased Mondo Macabro DVD release of the film. In the film there are 2 scenes, one when Murni is being trained in the black arts and the other towards the latter half of the film where she is bathing in a river, that I believe are censored. In the first 'censored' scene, Murni appears to be sitting naked while the black magician walks around her. In that scene its a little harder to tell if its a censor 'fog spot' or if its the actual smoke that is being produced by the black magician, but it appears as if there is some fogging around her that would prevent the viewer from seeing any possible nudity. The second scene I mentioned is quite obviously censored. The film cuts to a scene where Murni is bathing in a river and its a clear day outside. Yet there appears to be fog around what would be her naked body. If that wasn't obvious enough, at one point she ducks down into the water and you can see the fog spot follow her body. Not sure if there is another print out there without the fogged scenes (its possible there isn't since it is an Indonesian film and we all know how stiff censors in eastern countries can be) but if there is an uncensored print, it is disappointing that Mondo Macabro did not seek this one out instead of giving us the version with fogged nudity. Then again it is entirely possible that they fogged it on purpose much like the way Takashi Miike did with MPD psycho. All in all the film rules and this should not take anything away from it. I just despise censorship and thought I'd bring this to the attention of anyone wanting to purchase the film.
Woodchipper Massacre (1988)
Worst movie ever made bar none!!! *spoilers*
The only reason I even gave it a 1 out of 10 is because the option to give it zero out of 10 was not allowed. This was the biggest waste of time I've ever endured. For roughly 75 minutes, you are subjected to the WORST acting (and I don't mean that in a good way either, like as in KILLER NERD which had great horrible acting) and a plot that is not only ridiculous but also has absolutely NOTHING to do with a massacre. The reason I even rented this piece of crap was because it has massacre in the title. That said, there was only one killing in the entire movie and it was pretty lame at that. You spend more time watching the kids bickering and doing yard work than anything. Speaking of the kids, the little boy actor is probably the most irritating child actor since bob from house by the cemetery. Did I mention it was shot on video as well? If you want to throw away money and over an hour of your life, then by all means watch it. But if you savor your hard earned dollars and time, then stray as far away as possible.
Desnuda inquietud (1976)
big waste of time, unless you wanna fall asleep real fast...
First of all the film is called "Rape" yet there is no actual raping of anyone or anything...except your ability to stay conscious during this borefest of a movie. The closest thing to rape is when the father of the female star of the film tries to grope her for about a minute when he gets drunk. Besides that, there is nothing that is even remotely close to rape. The film is very boring and is an attempt at a ghost story (the furniture shaking and items falling off shelves is the closest you get to actual ghost activity) but fails miserably due to its lack of, well, a ghost. A few minutes of nudity are the only high points of the film, other than that its a complete waste of time. I've seen scarier things in my toilet.
Esta Noite Encarnarei no Teu Cadáver (1967)
Don't listen to that guy who saw it on cable...this movie rules
Someone wrote a review about this film after they saw it on cable. Here's a well known fact: MOVIES ON CABLE ARE CUT!!! Of course you didn't like the film because you never saw the true version of it. Do NOT rely on anyone who has only seen a cut version of a film, especially something by Coffin Joe, master of confusing horror movies. Not to mention that the person who reviewed the cable version of the film also gave a great review to one of the most boring, useless, contrived 'horror' films ever, House on Sorority Row (this same person gave the incorrect title of this night i will possess your soul and gave it 1/10 in the review yet 4/10 in the headline???). Anyway, here's a real review of the film which I saw UNCUT on the big screen at the Coolidge Corner Theatre. A continuation of At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul, Coffin Joe is still searching for a woman to bear his child. Spooky old Joe, with his creepy long fingernails, continues to harass and scare the townspeople while searching for his mate. Remember this movie is from Brazil in the late 60's (during the dictatorship) so you have to watch it as if you were in that era, only then can you truly appreciate the film for what it is...an old time scary movie.
La monja (2005)
I know what you did last summer, but with a nun...and in Spain
The headline describes it exactly. This dribble of a film was nothing more than the typical 'group of teens killed someone accidentally now that someone is haunting/killing them off 20 years later' crap that has been shoved down our throats for decades. The only twist is instead of an angry ex-classmate or lovable psycho/loser, it was a nun. Nun wants to eliminate the sin from the girls, blah blah, girls accidentally/purposely drown the nun, blah blah, nun haunts the girls, people die, movie ends. The only thing that made this watchable were the death scenes, which were pretty cool (especially the one with the elevator door ripping off this fat lady's arms) but even they couldn't make this a great movie. Brian Yuzna should hang his head for attaching himself to this refuse. I'm sure glad I rented it and didn't buy it, or I'd be furious beyond belief. If you want a nunsploitation flick to please the senses, go watch Demonia or something. Stay away from this garbage.
Antropophagus (1980)
Possibly the most boring thing I've ever seen in my life...
The hype surrounding this film is just that, hype. It is quite honestly the most boring 'horror' film I've ever seen (and I've seen Oasis of the Zombies!) if you can even call it that. The whole stigma of the film and its controversy was the fetus eating scene which, quite frankly, was not all that spectacular. The version I saw was the recently released 2 disc 'uncut' edition from media blasters/shriek show and I swear that it was still cut. Even so, unless they cut out a huge helping of gore and interesting plot, it would still suck hard. I had been waiting to see this film, uncut, for about 10 years. The anticipation was killing me and when I saw the 2 disc uncut edition for 10 bucks I had to get it. What a waste of 10 dollars that was. Before I discuss the plot let me set the record straight: I LOVE horror films, B-movies and anything that the average person would dub as complete garbage (ie: anything released by Troma). That said, this movie was still the most boring, uneventful piece of trash I've ever witnessed. The plot was so sluggish I wanted to shoot myself (there was plenty of fast forwarding after sitting thru the first 30 minutes), the gore was limited and/or nonexistent, the fetus eating scene looked like it was cut and it was still boring as balls. I know Joe D'Amado is hit or miss, and I've enjoyed a number of his films, but unless you want to see his worst movie ever then stay away from this film. Anthropophagus, more like Anthropo-wheres my f'n $10 back for this crappy movie? End review.
La notte che Evelyn uscì dalla tomba (1971)
worst DVD transfer ever, do not buy this version
I gave this movie a 5 out of 10 because while the movie is very entertaining, the transfer is complete garbage. The version available in the US, which is put out by Sinema Diable, is nothing short of being the WORST transfer ever in the history of DVD transfers. The back cover says its an "all new gorgeous digital transfer." Well unless your idea of gorgeous is a cropped transfer (both horizontally and vertically), scenes so dark i had to adjust the contrast/brightness on my TV just to see what was going on, even a 1-2 minute spot where the film actually displaces itself so the lower portion of the film is now at the top (as if someone was inside your DVD player with a small film projector and they couldn't get the picture lined up in the aperture) then you need to rethink what you call gorgeous. As far as the film goes, its a pretty good euro trash nasty. Lord Alan has a penchant for young whores whom he picks up then takes to his castle to whip and torture, sometimes kill. The whole time Alan is haunted by his wife who died attempting to give child birth. Will Alan take his doctor's advice to marry and stop his torturous ways or is this just the beginning of his dementia? A surprise double twist ending really throws you off guard. Do yourself a favor and buy the region 2 pal version from x-rated kult DVD with the high quality transfer.