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Superman Returns (2006)
So-so reintroduction of an old friend
I have to say that Superman Returns was not as bad as some have said and certainly not as good as others have. I'll admit, Superman I and II were hard acts to follow and so my disappointment may have something to do with unrealistic expectations.
On the plus side, this movie had casting down pat. All of the actors were great for their roles and their performances made the movie work better than it would have otherwise.
That having been said, they were given some pretty good stuff to work with. Not perfect, but good. I recall groaning out loud when I saw that Lois Lane had a kid, but the good folks in charge (director and writers) never once pulled a lame-o kid moment ala "The Mummy Returns" when junior declares, "My dad's gonna kick your a**." The interpersonal relationship between Lois and Clark was kept real and I only wish they had spent more time on it.
Which brings us to the bad points. I can see why they did it, but I wish they hadn't. The filmmakers threw a great big world-threatening plot by Lex Luthor into what was otherwise an entertaining yarn about the incredibly complex situation that Superman finds himself in when he returns after an unannounced five year hiatus. Sure a movie without a villain threatening to blow the world to bits may have been too story-driven, too character-driven, too intelligently entertaining, but, you gotta get the kids in there somehow. I just wish they had managed to mesh the two story lines together a little more seamlessly, because to be quite frank, Luthor's whole plot seemed a little too last minute for my tastes.
But, someone, somewhere decided that they needed to waste a whole bunch of time re-introducing us to a man all of us should know and love by now. I did find myself entertained by it, just not as much as I had hoped. That having been said, I do hope they make more and what better tribute could there be to Christopher Reeve than to continue entertaining millions with the character he helped make come alive?
Land of the Dead (2005)
Mediocrity from a once great voice
George Romero fails to deliver in his latest installment in the "of the Dead" series.
In Land of the Dead, the zombies are evolving, in a manner of speaking. Through the efforts of one inquisitive ex-gas station attendant, the living dead go from shambling biting, clawing flesh eaters to gun and tool using fiends capable of rudimentary reasoning.
I'll admit, the zombie effects are what you would expect from the man who brought us Dawn of the Dead - they are gruesome, gory, and excellently done. Unfortunately, nothing else in this movie matches the quality of the special effects. When the acting, story, and directing take a back seat to your monsters, you know you're in trouble.
The characters in this movie are your standard bag of mixed nuts. The main villain is a caricature of a nineteenth century robber-baron who will do anything and everything to anyone just to maintain his privileged lifestyle. You have the discontented hero who longs to be free of the hypocrisy, decadence, and injustice inherent in the city of the living. The heroine is your hard-edged whore with the heart of gold whose hackneyed voyage from cynical street-survivor to team player is supposed to be this movie's main emotional thrust. Throw in the marginalized, loyal-unto-death sidekick (loyal because the hero is the only one to treat him like a human being, naturally), the self-serving, money-grubbing weasel who sells out everyone and anyone to get ahead who predictably comes around to the good side - but in his own way by his own rules, and you have the completely uncompelling band of brothers that we are supposed to care about.
The overbearing social commentary is a stark reminder that George Romero has lost the subtlety that made his previous movies such a joy to watch. Here he leaves nothing to the imagination and it is a shame that he persists in making substandard movies instead of taking the time to craft a truly entertaining and scary film.
Five out of ten.
Ultimate Avengers (2006)
Crippled by poor acting and animation
This cartoon suffers from the same problems that seem to afflict every single cartoon made today - poor animation and substandard voice acting.
Watching this, I found myself wincing whenever Betty and Bruce were in the same room. I knew they were going to engage in some hackneyed failed relationship talk that was going to make my ears bleed. But then I got to thinking and went back and watched those scenes over and imagined the words written on a page instead of being spoken. To my surprise, the conversations were not that awful - it was the delivery that was making them stink.
Captain America's reunion with Buck could have been an excellent scene, but the hideous animation stole whatever magic could have been present.
In all, it had an excellent story (except for Thor being a conservationist/Greenpeace type, which was hilariously stupid) and could have been much better if they had only spent the money to give us more than eight frames per second.
Bottom line: excellent writing, very good character design, horrible animation directing, with acting that varied from passable to obnoxiously bad.
3 out of ten since the bad aspects of this far outweigh the good parts.
Streets of Fire (1984)
A freakin' classic!
Streets of Fire has got to be one of the best damned movies ever made and is certainly one of the best movies made in that era of classics - the 80's. I'm not sure what the hell a rock and roll fable is but this movie is it and it's GREAT! Screw animals teaching us morals, this movie has got Fire, Inc. singing on its soundtrack! What more could you ask for? This film challenges The Longest Day as the movie with the most screen-busting talents ever assembled for one director to work with. Michael Pare, Diane Lane, Rick Moranis, Willem Dafoe, and Bill Paxton (in an almost cameo) all shine as brightly as exploding motorcycles. There's never a dull moment and the music is GREAT! Walter Hill and Larry Gross are geniuses! Absolute princes of the written word. That they deigned to share this with us, we mere mortals, is proof positive that there is a God. I dare say this movie is almost as good as Commando - and that's a damn fine film.
I do not exaggerate when I say that this movie set the standard for every action-adventure/musical/stoic ex-mercenary hero/villain in latex coveralls movie made ever since.
Two hundred and eight stars out of ten! Buy it, rent it, watch it over and over. It will change your life for the better.
Film Geek (2005)
Just plain bad
This movie is quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. The whole story revolves around one Scotty Pelk, a man whose only outstanding qualities are his encyclopedic knowledge of movies and his complete lack of social skills. In the course of this torturously bad movie he learns about life, love, blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes you can find a redeeming feature of a movie, no matter how bad it is. In this case, there isn't even one. The acting was ham-fisted and bad. The writing was either cloyingly sweet ("I love movies more than anything. Movies let you be other people." ACK!), just plain bad, or BOTH.
A lot of comparisons have been made to Napoleon Dynamite, but I think the closer comparison would be to High Fidelity. Both movies are about a young man who has trouble getting on with his life due to an unwillingness or inability to grow up. Both movies feature a protagonist who has allowed his fetish to become the sole source of comfort and empowerment in his life and as a result they alienate everyone around them. The big difference between Film Geek and High Fidelity, however, is that only High Fidelity is worth watching.
1 out of 10 stars - and this movie was lucky to get even that.
The Way of the Gun (2000)
Great gunfight - anemic plot
Chris McQuarrie serves up yet another contorted plot wrapped up in some fast paced dialog. Two aimless men get involved in a plot involving a pregnant woman, a gangster, and a whole lot of money.
Unfortunately, as both writer and director (and no doubt riding high on the success of "The Usual Suspects") Chris McQuarrie had no one to tell him this whole thing was a bad idea. The dialog in this movie sounds clever, but only if you're not paying too much attention.
"Fifteen million dollars is not money. It's a motive with a universal adapter on it." That is but one example of the B-movie, tough guy dialog you are likely to encounter in this.
One of the DVD extras shows Mr. McQuarrie insisting that Juliette Lewis fire a gun so that they could capture the sound of "a woman firing a shotgun." And therein lies the problem, I think. He was so conscious of playing every trick in the book, both director's and writer's, that he forgot to actually direct and write this thing.
Here's a hint for you Mr. McQuarrie: A real director gets good performances out of his actors and a real writer gives them something to work with. Quit playing with your toys and get back to work, because we all know you are capable of some phenomenal stuff.
P.S. The good news is that the gunfight at the end is one of the best committed to film. There is no Rambo-esquire bravado or cinematic, but unrealistic, tossing of empty magazines into the dirt. For this gunfight alone it is worth plodding through the rest of the movie. Or better yet, just take advantage of the DVD's chapter selection option.
Kikujirô no natsu (1999)
A wonderful, delightful movie
From its hauntingly beautiful soundtrack by Joe Hisaishi to the wonderful characters who inhabit Takeshi Kitano's magical Japan - everything in this movie comes together to make this one of modern cinema's truly underrated masterpiece.
The story involves a petty thug, Kikujiro, who is coerced into accompanying a young boy, Masao, on his cross country journey to find his birth mother. Along the way they meet a whole host of characters. Some friendly, some mysterious, some quirky, some abrasive, but all of them refreshingly human.
A lesser writer or director would have settled for a quick dose of weirdness from the main characters' fellow wanderers, but Takeshi Kitano milks them for all of the depth and endearment that the too few minutes we are graced with their presence allows.
If you enjoyed the whimsical, go-nowhere feel of Lost in Translation, you will LOVE this movie. In my opinion Beat Takeshi's efforts blow Sophia Coppola's out of the water.
Nine out of ten.
Hellboy (2004)
Borderline horrible
Hellboy, comic's beloved paranatural investigator comes to the big screen in this live action extravaganza of crap.
Like one of the lesser episodes of X-Files, Hellboy delves into the "mythos" of Hellboy, choking his origins down our throat without bothering to tell an entertaining story while they are at it.
In a rush to give us all the characters from the comics, Guillermo Del Toro fails to give any of them any life. Consequently we don't care the least bit when any of them are placed in mortal danger and by the time the movie is over the only thing left to say is, "So what?" The effects are nothing special and the fight choreography is best described as uninspired. This movie is a waste of time, money, and film.
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (2004)
Poop of the worst variety
Oh boy. Another in a looooooong series of movies penned and directed by Hollywood types who want to stick it to Hollywood. Whoever told writers, "write what you know" should have added the qualifier, "only if it is entertaining." I can only wait for the doofus who put this lame hunk of junk together to produce a movie about reality TV.
Now let us place blame where blame is due for this horrid waste of time.
Paul Schneider doesn't seem to have a subtle bone in his body and instead of being funny, his antics are tiresome, bordering on the offensively unfunny.
Jordan Hawley - wrote and directed this trash. I'm sure that if anyone besides myself had bothered to watch this, he'd be getting honorary Razzies for the rest of his life.
Bob Log III's Electric Fence Story (2006)
A waste of film and time
Bob Log III's Electric Fence Story is a claymation/stop motion animation short telling the first person story of the narrator who undergoes a few challenges in his quest to tip cows.
I am going to be generous and assume that the amateurish production values were intentional and were supposed to play a part in the meager comedic value of this travesty. From the minute the narrator starts with his rambling, uninspired monologue, you know you are going to be in for a very dull time.
Like a drunken frat boy who starts his rambling, incoherent anecdote with, "this really happened," this short fancies itself the cleverest kid on the block. With no point, wit, or charm, it bullies its way past your best attempts to ignore it and in the end you have nothing to show for it other than the memory of three wasted minutes.
Duck Dodgers (2003)
Pale imitation of its inspiration
In another example of a disturbing trend, the past has been cannibalized and bastardized from its original, clever incarnation into a pre-chewed, re-hashed, insulting parody designed to accommodate the lowest common denominator.
I can only imagine that two factors led to this show being produced - 1) A desire for some quick bucks, and 2) the creator's lack of originality. Chuck Jones and Michael Maltese were geniuses. The cretins who write and animate this are pale imitators - "ants in the afterbirth" as it were.
The humor lacks the spark that made the original Looney Tunes a joy to watch. Instead of being entertaining, this show is simply a sobering reminder that the best and brightest of our age are NOT working in television animation.
Teen Titans (2003)
Anime for the slow
Once again we see what happens when dilettantes get a chance to show off their sophomoric talents to a wide audience. This cartoon seems to have been made by fans of anime and/or manga who have none of the originality or talent that the authors of the source material possess. While I am not blasting anyone for showing their influences, by all means, please add your own dashes and if you insist upon aping your heroes, please try not to do it badly. DC has been on a deep, steep slide with their movies and TV shows of late. I don't see this cartoon as doing anything other than digging a deeper hole for the company that can't seem to help but farm out its properties to the folks with the least amount of vision.
Innocence (2004)
A little full of itself but generally good
Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence is an incredibly beautiful piece of artwork. The future noir setting of a crumbling Tokyo, as well as the philosophical questions presented about what defines a human, makes this seem like an animated Blade Runner. That having been said, aside from the inevitable "homages" that all future noir movies make to that groundbreaking film, this movie is a highly original piece of film-making that even makes much needed improvements to the original manga storyline. The characters are believable, even if some of their dialog is not. And we can forgive the director for being a tad self-indulgent at times because when all is said and done, he and the animators have delivered a breathtakingly gorgeous cartoon.
Natural Selection (1999)
Not sure what they were trying to say
I'll avoid the obvious critique of "this movie poo poos our society's tendency to glamorize serial killers while simultaneously glamorizing serial killers." A little hypocrisy now and again never hurt anyone and certainly never stopped a movie from being made. It does make a valid point: we do like to make our worst killers into celebrities.
What does bother me is that this movie is not funny or suspenseful or scary. The only emotion this movie will make you feel is bored. The makers of this movie made it by formula, pulling every trick from every movie that everyone has seen and trying to pass it off as their own, as if a convenient bit of repackaging will make us forget where we saw that before. David Carradine: we saw The Omen. The whole movie: we saw Natural Born Killers.
Bob Balaban gives this movie its only bright spot, playing a funny, overly earnest psychoanalytical goof who feels the pain of the killers.
The movie doesn't suck, since there are movies that are much, much worse, but it doesn't entertain, either.
3 out of ten.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
Not as bad as a lobotomy
Let me just begin by saying that anyone who walked into this movie expecting anything more than a summer sci-fi action flick was just setting themselves up for failure.
That having been said, even if you did go into this movie expecting nothing more than low-grade entertainment, you still would have been disappointed.
SPOILER ALERT
This movie is garbage, pure and simple. The whole premise that Predators use the Earth as some sort of proving grounds for their juvenile delinquents, and that they come back every 100 years to tear the place up, is a bit too convenient. That some sort of stupid satellite picks up their subterranean play pen on just the exact date further stretches one's ability to suspend disbelief.
Either someone was smoking a whole lot of crack when they decided to finance this or I missed something while watching it.
No nudity. No gore. No nothing. 0 of 5 stars.
Night of the Living Dead (1968)
An American Classic
Romero really hit it out of the park with this one. Like Carnival of Souls, this movie's low-end production values really work for it by giving it an almost documentary feel.
Of course the reason for the dead coming back to life is pure 50's sci-fi (unknown radiation brought back via Venusian probe), but who cares? In a few decades everyone will be able to tell a 2000's zombie movie by the fact that all zombies arise from biohazards.
This movie, along with the original Dawn of the Dead, really did set the standard for all subsequent zombie flicks.
Despite the lack of pointless nudity, this movie earns a solid five out of five stars.
Carnival of Souls (1962)
One of the best
SPOILER ALERT
"Carnival of Souls" is in my opinion one of the best suspense/horror movies made to date. Pre-dating the Sixth Sense by several decades, this movie is a true original.
The movie opens with the near-death experience of a young woman as the car she is in plummets off of a bridge and into a river. What happens next as she tries to get on with her life is a series of unsettling and horrifying experiences.
The acting is not the best, and neither are the production values. Despite that fact, the movie will leave you with a lingering feeling of paranoia and uneasiness.
Despite the fact that there is no nudity and no gore, this move rates 5 out of 5 stars and is well worth buying. Not renting. Buying.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
I almost crapped my pants
I went into this movie expecting the same sort of campiness that marked the Romero original. I was so wrong. The first ten minutes of this movie scared me so bad I thought I was going to die.
While it lacks the biting social commentary of the original, it does a much better jog of scaring you witless. The zombies, rather than being a slow, shuffling mob, run with the speed and endurance of track atheletes. They also have these really creepy eyes that will haunt you for a long, long time.
I'm not going to say this movie is superior to the original, but it sure as heck matches it.
It's got nudity, gore, and a million scary-as-hell moments.
Five out of five stars.
Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill (2004)
All in all, a pretty good flick
Blood Bill, for what it is, is not a bad little flick. There is lots of gore and the zombie effects are VERY good. The only thing not in this movie is nudity, so there are points knocked off for that.
The movie really should have been titled, "Death Valley: The Revenge of Earl" since I think he steals the show with his cocaine-as-supercharger routine.
I was actually surprised to learn that Bloody Bill Anderson is a historical figure. From the stuff I've read about him on the internet, raising a posse of zombies to chow down on a bunch of college kids seems almost tame.
From the sounds of things on the commentary track, no one took this movie too seriously. You'll find it's much more entertaining if you don't either.
Four out of five stars.
Re-Animator (1985)
A new classic
Re-Animator, despite its reputation as a cult classic, should really and truly be considered just a plain classic. David Gale gives us a performance worthy of Lugosi in his role as the disembodied head.
As with most other Stuart Gordon outings, this movie gives us everything we could possibly want: dark humor, lots of nudity, gore, and violence.
Jeffrey Combs once again does a fantastic job. The zombie effects are top notch. The bonus material is also well worth watching, although an interview with the man himself, Stuart Gordon, is strangely lacking.
This movie rates 5 out of 5 stars.
The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)
Jeffrey Combs AND Lance Henriksen!
This movie has everything that a growing boy (and girl) needs: Jeffrey Combs as a hilariously anachronistic inquisitor, Lance Henriksen as a wonderfully creepy grand inquisitor, nudity, bloodshed, and an exploding witch.
As far as horror movies go, it is not especially frightening. It does fairly well as a suspense thriller. But its main strength lies in its cast, the art direction, and the behind the scenes footage.
Even if you happen to be expecting a straight Edgar Allen Poe adaptation, this movie won't disappoint. Even though it has a pit and a bladed pendulum, the similarities are few and far between. The ending IS kind of weird, but as they say, getting there is half the fun. Well worth renting or buying. (3.7 out of 5)