Reviews

As the movie opens, Jonathan Cabot is doing his routine on the high bar as his father is running for his life playing "The Game". Jonathan wins and his father loses. Jonathan is shown mounting the parallel bars after his father is shown seemingly falling to his death. It's difficult to win a game in which you have to climb across a rope suspended above a chasm when a guy with a bow and arrow is waiting for you on the other side: Cabot Sr.: "Kahn explained the game. Now back off!" Zamir: "And you believed the fool."

Paley: "For the next two months, you're gonna toughen your mind and your body. Any questions?" "None." No? How could you not? Who is this guy? What does he want? At this point, Cabot doesn't know.

Cabot is shown a picture of a man and asked if he recognizes him. "Isn't that Mel Brooks?" He actually says, "The Kahn of Parmistan."

"What do you know about his country?" "It's a tiny mountain nation in the middle of the Hindu Kush range." Yeah, that's how people talk.

Parmistan's location is the reason for the mission.

Paley: "A Star Wars satellite station inside Parmistan could monitor all the other satellite stations around the world. It would be the ultimate early warning system in case of nuclear attack."

If you enter Parmistan, you must play "The Game". If you win, you are allowed your life, and one request.

The princess is an expert at the game.

The training pushes Cabot to his limits, but it's necessary to win "The Game".

Cabot earns the princess's respect as he trains.

Paley: No outsider has won "The Game" in over 900 years.

Other countries are training their best athletes to win "The Game".

Cabot is able to walk stairs on his hands. This does not come into play while playing "The Game".

The princess's mother was Indonesian. Her father is the king of Parmistan. She is unwilling to talk, but is willing to have sex with Cabot.

Karabal is a border town 100 miles from Istanbul on the Caspian Sea. He will meet Colonel Mackle (nickname "The Stork") there, who will provide Cabot with weapons and equipment necessary for "The Game".

In captions, "KARABAL, ON THE CASPIAN SEA", which is funny since this was the exact wording used by Paley AND Cabot earlier.

Cabot and the princess have fallen in love even though she still hasn't spoken. Her first line: "Fine piece of work," after seeing a spring-loaded blade do its thing. Cabot doesn't even notice that it's the first time that she's spoken.

No firearms are allowed in Parmistan. Get caught with a gun and "he'll chop your head off", according to Colonel Mackle.

Water is thrown in Cabot's face: "American, go home."

"Well, there's just a little anti-American sentiment running around, but I think..." An arrow to the ribs does not allow the agent to finish his sentence.

Many men attack Cabot, who easily beats them up. One of Paley's agents has not fared as well. He has a spear sticking out of his chest; he's dead. He's sitting upright. There is blood from another wound, too.

Cabot meets Mackle in a secret place.

Cabot finds a high bar located in an alley and starts swinging. Conveniently, four thugs come within range of his swinging and are kicked unconscious. His technique is perfect as he does so with no form breaks (that's gymnastics talk). He also mistakenly kicks a bicyclist, but that's ok. Consider it collateral damage.

The princess is being held hostage by Tamerlane, who is something of an unknown quantity.. "Once the Khan knows that we have you, he will gladly relinquish his throne (pronounced "trone") in exchange for your life." Cabot beats up three of Tamerlane's men and eventually shoots Tamerlane. Two other of Tamerlane's thugs chase Cabot and the Princess, shooting at them. A lot of running down narrow alleys being chased.

Colonel Mackle is listening to something with headphones. Cabot and Princess come back to the secret place. "What the hell is this, Stork? Nothing's been done. Nothing is packed." Mackle points his gun at Cabot. "This is a real shame, Cabot." Paley blows him away, which is hilarious. "I've always said that Special Intelligence should have handled this whole operation". Apparently he had somehow been hiding in the secret place, unbeknownst to Mackle. He then blows away two other guys. "Double blackmail", whatever that means.

"Well, that cleans up things here. You'll leave in the morning."

Cabot and the princess then take mules until they reach rapids, which they ride to their destination. Masked men on horseback pursue them.

When Cabot sees the eight men, he asks the princess, "Are those your people?" She replies, "Yes. But things have changed." The men in black surround him. Cabot is getting the best of some of these gentlemen, but someone knocks him out. He wakes up in bed having his face caressed by a woman in need of some dental work who is missing a tongue. Commander Zamir, Advisor to the Khan, informs him of the tonguelessness. He has been sent by Khan to welcome Cabot to his country. Princess Rubali is with her father. Zamir leaves and the tongueless woman with dark circles around her eyes who is missing teeth returns to caress Cabot.

The elite and brave athletes who are willing to risk everything for their countries are gathered around Khan as he explains, "The first challenge is a three-mile run across the swamp to the second obstacle, a 200 foot rope climb. From there it is but a half-mile to the gorge. The fourth part is to enter the river that will lead you dead or alive to the high forest. If successful, you will enter the Village of the Damned. Surviving this, there is the final five mile run through the swamp again. There will be judges to show the way. THERE CAN BE NO MISTAKES. ANYONE TRYING TO AVOID AN OBSTACLE WILL BE INSTANTLY KILLED." The king then smiles broadly and leaves to "play king to my people".

Three men who have been convicted of "grave crimes" are given a chance at life by playing "The Game". Cabot asks if Thorg is going to be here. "Superman? I don't know, I haven't seen him." "Let's hope he makes it." The three men are released and pursued by the townsfolk, ninjas, AND men on horseback. They run into the swamp. The men are killed quickly. The final one is shot with an arrow while trying to cross the rope over the gorge. We then see what is obviously a dummy falling and landing on a rock. There is a loud thud. The man screams as he falls.

Now it's on to the banquet. The crowd applauds the Khan/king, who is obviously a popular ruler. He tells Cabot that his father was "not victorious" at the game. This doesn't seem to bother Cabot much. What bothers him more is that the princess will be marrying Kamir tomorrow. The crowd goes wild in anticipation of such a joyous event. Enter the great Thorg to much fanfare. He looks like the love child of Will Ferrell and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cabot: "Thorg." Thorg glances at him but doesn't respond. Thorg: "Forgive my tardiness, great Khan. I hope I haven't inconvenienced you." Khan: "It is our honor to have you with us. Please, sit down." Cabot stands and holds out his hand: "Thorg. Jonathan Cabot. I've admired you since Munich." Thorg ignores him. Cabot looks hurt. Princess looks sexily at Cabot. Kamir notices this and quietly fumes. He gets up and twirls the sharp thingies around, and then throws them in the direction of Cabot, narrowly missing him. He walks over to Cabot and says, "You must understand. She's mine". Cabot responds, "It's not over yet. So put your hardware (the sharp thingies) back in your pants."

Next scene: Tongueless woman enters room with love in her heart. Cabot grabs her at knifepoint: "You will take me to the Princess Rubali." She has a terrified look on her face. She tells the princess to meet Cabot in the garden.

Mel Brooks really hams it up. The crowd loves him.

"Children of Parmistan. R U ready for the Game?"

He announces the Game AND a royal wedding.

"Let the Game begin!"

And the men run. Thorg kicks Cabot.

Zamir and his (masked) men follow. Khan: "Zamir, stop! You are breaking the rules! You must pursue on my command!" Zamir and his men ignore this and continue.

The men run through the long grass, pursued by ninjas and Zamir's men on horseback. Thorg is built like a bodybuilder but can run like the wind. The men climb ropes. One macho man screams in a high-pitched voice after being struck by arrows in the lower back and buttocks, and falling to the ground, presumably to his death. Zamir sets fire to Cabot's rope. Cabot makes it to the top before the fire reaches him. He tells a judge (in ninja garb holding a flag): "They broke the rules. Kill them!" No response. "Damn it!"

Cut to three men running, one of whom is mighty Thorg. The ninja judges are present. Cut to a man in a blue track suit running. Then to two men, one of whom is Cabot, and the other, who has a wounded right thigh, which he is holding. Cabot yells, "Hurry!" at him as he runs past him. Four ninjas pursue. One throws a spear. Zamir and his men, all on horseback, follow. We see the wounded man lying in a prone position, dead, with a spear sticking out of his back. The men on horseback ride by. Four men travel across the rope over the gorge. Three make it. The man in the blue track suit is hit over the head with a sword by a ninja and falls with a very loud thud on a rock (similar to the other guy who fell on a rock with a very loud thud). Again, it is obviously a dummy. And his scream as he falls is funny.

Cabot begins crossing the rope. Zamir tugs the rope and eventually cuts it, but it's too late. Cabot has made it across, pulling himself up by the rope on the other side. A ninja swings at him with a sword; Cabot ducks, avoiding the sword, and kicks the ninja, who falls to his death, screaming.

Note: I summarized the whole movie but it exceeded the maximum character length so this concludes my running commentary on this VERY entertaining film.

"Hustlers" is a shallow movie that doesn't understand Wall Street at all, but what can you expect when two of its producers are Will Ferrell and his buddy, Adam McKay? Decisions made at the very top, which were not illegal, but were reckless, were what led to the real estate crisis. Most Wall Street employees were just doing their jobs and had nothing to do with the fiasco.

Many of the men in this movie are supposedly awful because they like to look at scantily-clad women writhing around. What do we, the moviegoers, get to see a lot of? Scantily-clad women writhing (and wriggling) around. If it weren't for men who are willing to pay to see that, wouldn't these women be out of jobs? Yet they're portrayed as the bad guys, apparently because they objectify women who willingly take jobs in which they are little more than objects.

The film tries to justify ripping off the men who are responsible for the strippers' income. They had it coming, apparently, for both objectifying women, and for working on evil Wall Street. Of course, some of the guys had to be portrayed as lecherous creeps in an attempt to gain sympathy for the women's unethical scheme, and, if you read the reviews of the Rotten Tomato crowd, you will see that this attempt was largely successful. Many of these naive reviewers even portray the women as feminist heroes.

Somehow the ringleader, played by Jennifer Lopez, doesn't wind up doing any time for her crimes, probably because she's a woman. Sometimes that old double standard works out quite well when one's gender automatically positions one as a victim.

If you want to see Lopez's ample rear end on display, you may well enjoy this. I think she wanted to show the world that just because one carries a particularly wide load doesn't mean that that load can't be firm.

The film is competently directed (at least to me) on a visual level, with plenty of quick shots of sweaty, gleaming bare skin. The acting also isn't bad, which makes a movie that attempts to make heroes out of villains almost watchable. This accounts for my 2 3/8 out of 4 star rating (I use a 4 star rating system) rather than the 1 1/2 that it probably deserves.