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The Big Gift (2022)
A New Christmas Classic
Have you ever watched a holiday movie and thought to yourself, this could use more martial arts involving Christmas lights and candy canes? Look no further, your movie is here.
Writer/director Jarrod Crooks stars as Chris, who crosses a beefed-up muscle-milk Santa, and hilarity ensues Equal parts hilarious, heartfelt, and action-packed, this is a new holiday film you'll keep in your yearly Christmas movie rotation. Scott Brault also shines as the big man himself, Santa Claus, hellbent on claiming credit on every big gift given to children.
So what are you waiting for? Stop singing carols, heat up that jug of nog, sit back, and put on 'The Big Gift'!!
"Candy cane."
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Its got Harrison and people call him Indy, but wheres Indiana Jones?
(spoilers both of this movie and the original trilogy follow) Born in 88, I think I watched Temple of Doom at least twice a month from age 7 to 12. Raiders close behind, and I was introduced to Last Crusade late. Needless to say, I was a bit pumped for this movie, and couldn't wait to come back here to write a glowing review.
And what a pin it was to pop that pumped up self of mine. From the beginning way too slow moving, frankly boring first scene (seriously, we had a giant boulder, crazy antics finding an antidote, and Indy as a kid...wheres that kinda opener here??) to the ridiculous alien conclusion, I found myself constantly wanting to give this movie a chance, but just being able to bring myself to.
It doesn't even feel like an Indy movie. Harrison sits in a plain white shirt talking with some FBI agents. Thats something one sees in...every single other movie. Honestly. Did this search for the perfect script just stop on one that would be adequate? With the exception of half of a chase on a motorcycle and a sand part, the film is really uninspired. Take one of the bigger baddies. When Indy faces off against him amidst a ton of CG ants, all it consists of is them trading punches. The punches sound pretty impressive, but...thats all there is to it.
That also brings me to the CG. We had some groundhogs in the beginning (first shot, in fact-UGHH!!!) to the ants to people to everything else. And it just felt disgusting. No danger felt at all. The huge car chase through the jungle was when I really got ready to go, but nothing at all happened. What happened to the brilliance that occurred in Raiders? I actually look forward to a sequel, just because I believe anything is an improvement over this dreck. Shia actually holds his own, and Harrison is great as always. Obvious references to Shia taking over abound, but w/e. My childhood has already been ravaged
Don't Be Scared (2006)
Absolutely hilariously Godawful
Seriously, my 13 year old brother makes more compelling, better acted, really just better made in every sense. When you get to be my age you wonder how this movie gets made and not an infinitely better on by my friends and I.
I'd like to tell you the story, but I was never able to hear much of any dialog, and judging by the action, it probably wouldn't have helped. Basically, a group of friends kill a black guy they invited to a party, and some glitter plastered tweens bring him back (along with Michael Jackson?) with a magical hoola hoop. He goes around killing people in the strangest ways possible (locks a girl in a shower and she dies from the...heat?) Seriously, this is just a movie you get to watch with your friends and make fun of. This one needs a big group though, as I had. I think two or even three you'd look at each other and think what a waste of money it was to get it.
With a big group there will be no shortage of moments to make fun of and just shake your head in disbelief at how this guy Master P got anyone to be in this utter piece of dreck.
Saw III (2006)
Still not as great as the first, but much better than the second
I went in with high hopes, hoping it would be a return to the first movie. After seeing the second and being utterly let down, I didn't think they could do worse (especially since it was an original idea and not just reformatted from another script like the second) Definitely not let down. Although I really enjoyed the first for the atmosphere and sense of creepiness, it can never really be achieved again since we've pretty much been revealed to everything.
Some scenes were gory for gory's sake, but will satiate anyone's need for that kind of stuff (so many hooks and chains...) I have to say I saw the twist coming from a while away, but still enjoyed it and the way they did it was surprising. Also marring it was suspension of belief with things having to go exactly right and a few too many flashback scenes. Actually way too many.
All in all a gripping ride, with a few pointless flashback scenes and god awful dialogue in the beginning, I recommend it.