Reviews

Apologies for being harsh but there's one sin of sins in my book when it comes to movies, and that's being dull.

I watched grass grow for half an hour once, and compared with this movie, it was an absolutely riveting, tension-filled thrill ride.

The actors all feel as though they're waiting for their cues and then, when given them by some poor desperate movie equivalent of a stage prompter, they seem reluctant to deliver any lines in a way that would catch the audience's attention. It's the verbal equivalent of camouflage - it just disappears into the background noise.

Don't get me wrong - if I had to deliver that supremely wooden dialogue, I would be reluctant too. But please, won't someone think of the audience! Just a little zest would have gone a long way.

It also claims to be from Van Helsing's POV which is a weeeee bit inaccurate, since Van Helsing plays a fairly limited role and disappears frequently, without any narration of the story from his supposed POV.

In fact, most of the first half of the movie is Lucy lying around moaning like she's having the time of her life with her best buddy Buzz under the sheets. Albeit somewhat unenthusiastically.

I have to admit, I nodded off at one point somewhere after the 50 minute mark - probably my brain trying to protect itself from a boredom-induced coma. But then I woke for the last 10 minutes, which included the most abrupt and boring ending... which was not really a surprise, come to think of it.

Rating - 2/10: would not recommend even as a sedative, since the potential for lasting boredom-induced brain damage is far too high.

A collection of the most unlikeable characters I've seen in a long time, spouting the worst, most stilted dialogue coupled with idiotic petulant teenage-level behaviours.

Has you rooting for the unseen killer from the start.

Not even good as a sedative, as it makes you too irritated to sleep.

Why does every second "horror" movie (and I use that term very loosely here) need to have at least one - if not many more - aggravating characters that I would happily beat with a baseball bat myself? Why can't we have decent characters that we get invested in? They don't cost extra, for crying out loud. :(

The main blonde character is not only constantly angry, shouting her lines, has the worst case of resting b*tch face even when she's trying to pretend to care about her so called bff, and has the personality of a bear with its paw stuck in a bee hive, she's downright stupid too.

Sigh. Don't even get me started on the mother....

Watch at your own peril. My eyes rolled so much I almost sprained something.

The sooner these characters all die horribly, the better.

The only half decent one was the crazy old coot by the side of the road.

Which is a standard horror cliche, and even then they messed it up :(

Utterly irritating waste of time.

P.s. "Does this review contain spoilers?" Hahaha no - nothing I say could spoil this any more than it is already.

And believe me, I use that term very loosely.

This barely resembled a movie per se; not only was the acting atrocious (it sounded like a first read through for all the emotion anyone showed throughout), the $5 lighting budget meant that you couldn't see anything at all for good chunks of the 'movie'.

Not to mention when you finally saw the bigfoot, it looked like a cheap mangled space alien halloween costume smeared with ketchup. Hah... if absolutely everything else hadn't been so irritating, that's where I would have laughed out loud and might have gotten some enjoyment out of this thing.

You should probably know you're in for something 'quality' when a movie starts with a 10 min driving montage that makes you want to dig your eyeballs out with a spoon, but I hoped in vain it would improve. Hahahaa... yeah.

I mean... really? A 2020 movie and this is the best you can put out? I can take better and more entertaining video of my dog wandering around the yard looking for a spot to poop.

So yeah, it's a 'no' from me. There are better ways to spend the run time than watching this. Like plucking nostrils hairs, changing nappies, scrubbing the toilet... :)

Starting in the middle of a scene where a bunch of people who have apparently been kidnapped and are wanting to get out (without trying too hard, of course), this could have been suspenseful slow build thriller but no. Stiff wooden acting, atrocious lines read in a monotone by absolutely everyone.

Just don't waste your time. 😕

What is this supposed to be, aside from a bunch of random shots of gore (with several repeats, I might add) and a meandering 'plot' that goes nowhere..?

What do you get when you mix a sweaty weirdo 'professor', a trashy bimbo Dr, and a bunch of 35 year olds pretending to be medicine undergrads (None of whom could pass as having an IQ higher than their shoe size)..??

An utterly disjointed mistake claiming to be a movie.

There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where or how to begin.

Suffice it to say, if you watch this thing to the end, you're likely a masochist.

.. I'm sure I would have enjoyed it.

As it stands, with my full faculties intact, this film is the loosest collection of random happenings I've ever seen committed to film. Things just happen with no rhyme or reason, Ryan is as limp as an old wet dishrag and barely reacts to anything, and the characters are so stupid they'd lose a battle of wits with a cheese sandwich.

I think another watch - maybe with friends and a boatload of drinks - is in order: at least we might get a good laugh out of it.

Bottom line: If you've exhausted the Neil Breen watchlist, this should definitely be next on your list.

Why do these movies persist in filling their craptacular creature features with terrible stereotypes and irritating characters? I swear, the arrogant "gator expert" was specifically designed to annoy everyone she came in contact with (including the audience!).

Sour-faced tart Melody who flirts with peoples boyfriends ...? not even sure why she went along to this so-called party, since she was apparently the small town back-brace wearing outcast and is still bitter about it.

Deputy Doofy.... ugh. Just stop talking. Stop.

Richie Rich (Travis) ... don't even get me started. These airheads... err, people... are supposed to be in their early 20s, but he looks well into his mid-40s.

Stilted poorly delivered dialogue... poorly edited .. god-awful sound design and terrible music...

Not so bad it's good - just bad.

I'm not sure what this was meant to be about aside from some old curse or evil spirit or some such in some board... but the way it cuts back and forth between the past and present, some overarching woo woo woman telling a bug eyes woman the story of all this (?!), and introduces what felt like random (generally nasty/unappealing) characters that make little/no impact on the actual story The whole thing feels like a poorly edited mess that makes no sense. Perhaps the film makers could lay off the hallucinogenics before making their next movie...? Just a thought.

Well now, that was quite different to my expectations based on the blurb, and in a good way. I won't go into detail, but there's a bit of a twist that starts to unfold, and even then you're not sure of the why until a little while afterwards when some judiciously used flashbacks give you more of a picture.

It's surprisingly layered for this type of movie, and while the characters aren't always terribly likeable and we don't reeeeally get enough time to have a more developed relationship between them, the actors do quite well in establishing that they're longtime friends.

Overall I'd say give this a watch - you won't have wasted your time (as long as you don't go into it expecting some out and out monster fest). Even the ending has a little quirk to it!

It was a bit of a combo of genres, and comedy + horror can be hard to get right. But the humour worked for me for the most part, despite the one guy who was endlessly an total prick to the chubby guy. Yep, even the immature fart sequence got a giggle.

It won't be everybody's cup of tea, but it's not a waste of time by any stretch. Give it a shot, you might be pleasantly surprised :)

... this movie is a rank insult. Unless the Seals are suddenly recruiting any old gormless moron who wanders in the door, then this clueless, unobservant, gang of chestbeaters, wimpy screaming females who can't fight worth a damn, and an annoyingly smug 'french CIA scientist' woman (I assume that's what the peroxide queen was meant to be..?) is just a joke, right?

Sigh.

This is kind of more like a bad military action movie with incidental zombie enemies...

Watch if that's your thing :)

If any effort had been put into this at all... even the slightest bit, I would have given it a better score.

But this is the worst kind of ultra-cheap "let's make a movie because who knows, some suckers will pay to see it and we'll at least get our $15 investment back" tripe.

Shame that when they 'found' the footage, they couldn't find a light, some dialogue (and no, screaming, shrieking drunkenly at each other, crying, and sniffing don't count), some even remotely likeable characters, or perhaps some action aside from bumbling around the woods in near complete darkness.

Seriously: this was so bad, I refused to waste more than 15 minutes on it. I jumped forward several times out of curiosity, and every single scene was a couple of idiots stumbling around in the dark woods crying and dribbling crap, and not making any headway.

My advice? Go watch grass grow. It's 200x more exciting, and you'll be getting in touch with nature.

Obviously low budget but earnest and funny... honestly, this was one of those movies that might surprise you. I stumbled over it by accident and had a fun time with the sense of humour in the script and the reasonably good acting; a lot of the actors were pretty natural, and those that weren't as comfortable in front of the camera just made this even funnier.

If you take it for what it is, you can have a good time with this one. I would recommend it.

The story was a little bit different(ish) to your normal Vamp stuff, and while I generally like amusing cheapy horror movies, sometimes you find yourself focusing in on one or two weird things and just unable to ignore them. Had that problem with this one, sadly. Two things I couldn't get past were the ghastly love song (please, either cast people who can sing or dub it in) and the s l o o o w way most of the characters spoke. They kind of sound like they'd all been sedated... it was so odd! The only one that didn't sound like was the abusive husband (well, and the parole officer).

Oh - and people seemed excessively stupid... the dialogue felt as though half the time people were working off different pages in the script (which is entirely possible if you've been sedated, I guess. hehe).

So, yeah. If those things don't bother you, give it a watch I suppose? There are definitely worse things out there.