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Reviews
Sex Tape (2014)
An extended Apple advert...
This is a bad film.
I can not begin to describe the displeasure this film gave me because I get more annoyed as I try, being reminded of different aspects as I go.
The absolute nadir of the film for me was the following.
There is a scene, and this is not a spoiler, in which the protagonist throws an ipad out of a window. That alone should be enough to raise some form of suspicion, something that people in this film universe seem to lack, but no... Instead it's a great scene for product placement.
"WOW!" Exclaims the protagonist "These are durable!"
At that point I got very angry, both myself and another person shouted in anger at the screen.
Do not watch this film.
Ever.
If you do their marketing team will think it's a success and they'll make more.
Mrs. Brown's Boys D'Movie (2014)
Not good.
I am not a fan of the series, but I understand its appeal and appreciate it. The film is not the TV show.
I was in a cinema in Blackpool; which incidentally was funny when the courtroom scene brought up the etymology of Dublin's name as there were a number of very confused faces. ;)
Speaking of the audience they only laughed at the silly voices (the racist ninja's and the like) and the references to other films (The Great Escape and The A Team). Quite frankly there's enough repeats of Top Gear on Dave to let you see all of these things for free in the UK every day.
The concept does not translate well to cinema.
My biggest gripe was with the use of cameras. In the sets that are used on the show they used TV cameras but outdoors they used normal film cameras. Which was really confusing when they cut indoors quickly then back out doors.
Beyond that the tone was all over the place, the opening number felt more appropriate for an ending sequence which, it would appear, the director felt so too as they used it as the ending sequence.
And finally the mistakes that were left in felt really derailing. I get that it's like a stage show but again this concept does not translate well. If you don't see them coming it is really confusing. The scene in the records office where they just start the scene again with no explanation threw me completely.
2 out of 10 because it's not trying to be disgusting, a la Keith Lemon, nor does it lack a heart but it is not a good film.
Keith Lemon: The Film (2012)
I had to watch this like I'd drink strong spirits...
... The only difference being I'd get some pleasure before the vomiting from that.
I had to watch this in sessions because I could only take so much of the badness at once.
The bar wasn't exactly set high to begin with, what with the awfully painful dream at the start and then shoehorned celebrity cameos in the titles; in fact the most realistic reaction a person would have to Keith Lemon is portrayed in one of these cameos by Emma Bunton.
There is a saying in catering that "the first bite is with the eye". Basically dress up an idea so it looks good to the person you're persuading. That statement is something that Francis has clearly never taken heed of as asking a woman to perform a sex act on him by saying "could you nosh me off" isn't exactly dressing up the act with any persuading imagery.
Watch if you have an IQ so low that watching Playdays feels as mentally challenging as a dissertation.
Also how big an ego do you have to start your film with you having sex with a model? I state that because Keith Lemon doesn't so much feel like an act from Framcis as an excuse to be crass with no redeeming features and get away with it.
The Room (2003)
See how a man wasted $6 million.
To fully explain how bad this film is could gain me an MA if I did it at university.
My god it is bad, real bad, I mean I thought Titanic 2 was the worst film I'd seen then I saw this.
It's impossible to pick a worst scene but the flower shop is the closest to my favourite/worst, the dialogue feels like someone threw the script through a granulator then didn't bother to check it as the pacing is crazy, one sentence feels well out of place and this is only 20 seconds of the film!
Speaking of dialogue the "Oh hai Mark" scene reportedly took Tommy 34 takes and lord knows what made him think this was the best take, surely the others couldn't have been worse.
I'd recommend this film if you wanted to gain a headache or migraine and get out of work for a day, I bet if your boss found out you were pulling a sicky and you showed it to them they'd let you off.
The idea that someone sat in an edit suite and thought "Yes, this is perfect" baffles me.
Awful, awful, awful, awful and yet, I'd recommend it to anyone. If you thought the recent generation of films were bad, Michael Bay, JJ Abrams and so forth, then watch this because you'll appreciate them a million times more.
Absolute essential viewing for anyone who's an adult.