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roehlbriones
Reviews
Moneyball (2011)
This is still underrated!
Ok this is not a ten. But heck this is not a 7.5! I am overrating it and hope to push it to 8.0 and up territory where it belongs. Help me out folks!
One More Try (2012)
aliens on screen
WTF was that? These people are not people. They don't behave like ordinary people I know. There's like 30 seconds of realistic human behavior and 1.5 hours of extraterrestrial indulgence. It gets funnier and funnier the more you watch. That's the real entertainment value here - how unrelatable and silly the script can go. I mean really? There's no choice between in vitro and the other thing? No artificial insemination? Really? There are no moral qualms about giving birth to a child just to give bone marrow to the brother? And a child is at death's threshold, but can be saved by a baby to be born NINE MONTHS HENCE and surely not a bone marrow donor for a few more years? You're the concerned wife worried about your husband's adultery - and you go overseas for a job transfer? You are a boyfriend who accepts a house from your girlfriend's former flame who happens to be her son's dad?
Ad nauseaum. You have been warned. Stay away!
Groundhog Day (1993)
for all time
A film to remember on the day you die. "Have a lived even a day in my little life like the last day of Groundhog Day?" But then Groundhog Day tells us it takes infinite practice to live one such day. Are we then doomed to live out the failed Groundhog Days? Most likely. Perhaps we can shorten the practice period? Unlikely. So the movie is an exercise in envy as the jerk gets a chance to un-jerk his life - no, even just one day of his jerky life.
This movie was itself created from 10,000 cycles of filming. It only exited the loop when the director got it perfect. The end-product is what we see now. Awesome.
The Burning Hell (1974)
burn it
Even if I were to agree with the theology, this would still be a dreadful film. The acting sucks, the story is stupid, it only commands attention because of the horrific idea at its core.
That idea is the eternal torment of those who do not adhere the shibboleths of a specific religion. "Eternal torment" here is portrayed by literalistic imagery drawn from the Christian Bible, complete with fire, sulfur, worms, and of course endless pain.
Many evangelical Christians have suspended, not only disbelief, but also intelligence, in endorsing this terrible movie.
F__k this evil movie to hell!
The Wicker Man (2006)
A sacrifice in so many ways
The Wicker Man (2006). A sacrifice of your time, money, and intelligence. Makes Children of the Corn a sophisticated exercise in film noir, and Stepford Wives (2004) a brilliant social satire.
It amazes me that intelligent adults with sterling achievements can deliberate inflict this stench of a movie upon an unsuspecting public.
Specifics? No need. There is no plot. Events do not tie together at all. The "action" plods on. There is no suspense, no tension. The only entertainment value is laughing at the brazen stupidity of the characters and the script. Acting is strictly at the primary school comedy sketch level. I kid you not.
Not the worst movie of all time, by any chance. But bad enough to make it a serious embarrassment to anyone remotely responsible for its existence. Bah.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
As generic as the surname
No offense against Smiths (my brother-in-law is one!) But this is said to be the most common surname in the US. And this is about as typical a US action flick as it gets.
Wait - perhaps that is overstated. It is a tad duller than your average Hollywood action-comedy flick. It goes well in the first 45 minutes or so. It takes its own good time for the two to finally try to finish each other off. Then it takes an unbelievable turn with the two kidnapping an earlier target of their former employers. Then it tacks on a royally protracted ending where the two finish off the hundred-odd goofballs who commit suicide by making themselves target practice to the dance-shooting couple.
In short, this movie could have benefited vastly from better editing. Total screen time was two hours, when it could have been done far better with a little over an hour. Take out the whole shebang about trying to survive the onslaughts of the two erstwhile rival companies. End it right where the two get together after having some fantastic shoot-ups and fight scenes. Maybe put a hint of fighting it out side-by-side, but leave it all open-ended rather than see the boring thing through. Of course that means half the budget go to waste, but no point throwing away your good money after their bad, right?
A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)
Return my money!
Above title in case you purchased or rented this sorry excuse for a movie. Fortunately I watched for free on cable! Mostly because the original was an interesting movie. And I'm a sucker for late night horror shows, however bad.
What's wrong with this? 10 things:
1. Not scary. 2. Acting is bad. 3. Not scary. 4. The plot is slow and predictable. 5. Not scary. 6. The movie doesn't give a damn about its characters, and neither should you. 7. Not scary. 8. There are some logical howlers you can spot from a mile away. 9. Not scary. 10.The special effects are hilarious.
In what other movie are vampires this easy to kill? Everybody's like, Buffy or Blade here. And the vampires are just sitting ducks. That's why it's not scary. And for a horror movie , that sure sucks.
When Will I Be Loved (2004)
when will this movie end?
That is the question you'll be asking while watching this. This monumental mess will succeed at confusing, boring, and annoying you, not in that order. The director makes you think that hey, I'm making a movie, I know that technique, see how good I am - which tells you how bad it is. In the opening minutes two scenes are spliced together - Campbell and her boyfriend on separate conversations, Campbell while walking down the street. Cinematic parallelism/contrast, anyone? The guy Campbell is walking with is her boss-to-be, who is dismissed without afterthought. What was that scene for? Dunno, who cares? Oh, something about her not wanting a mentor and sex and all that, it all ties together at the end, right? Duh.
You can close your eyes and know when they are having sex scenes - by the classical music crescendo the score rams down your throat every time. Which scenes are about as erotic as watching pubic hair grow. In one, you are watching a curtain - yes, folks, a curtain -and something behind it, supposed to evoke prurient fantasies. Instead the viewer is just wondering, why the hell am I watching this curtain? In every sex scene you'll be asking some similar question.
There are lots of conversations here, full of the following quotable quotes:
Blahblahblahblahblahblah, I got girls, blahblahblahblahblah, where is the Count, blahblahblahblahbblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblah. Blah.
There is only one interesting conversation here, between Campbell and the Count as he first attempts to proposition her. Too bad it's buried deep inside a labyrinth of the above-mentioned witty dialogues.
Give it a pass, unless you watch it just to have fun trashing it later. Like what I'm doing now. Keeps me from regretting a wasted part of my life.
Chain of Command (2000)
chain the scriptwriter
The best way to have fun in this movie is to count how many clichés it is rehashing. Snarling Chinese gangsters. A female vice-president. A ventilator duct that happens to be big enough to fit a big Caucasian male. Shooting through the wall to kill the bad guy. A Situation where you need to snuff out some innocent people to prevent Armageddon. Independence Day scenes where you snuff out some memorable landmarks in a fireball. The vice president in a nice well lighted room surrounded by subordinates, while the Chinese premier virtually alone in a dark room with just bit of dim light shining, snarling as viciously as the slimy gangsters. A lone hero left alone in a ship (building, airplane, whatever) wreaking havoc on clueless bad guys with big automatic weapons. Etc., etc., etc.
The second best way is to count how many zeroes you need to put after the decimal to accurately gauge the probability of the film scenario. I counted up to 45. A president agreeing to a meeting on board a private vessel. The impossibly non-overridable command from the nuke box. The part where the Chinese decided to play shoot 'em up. Etc., etc. Man the earth is more likely fall into the sun than for this film to happen.
I admit the film was interesting until the point the evil Taiwanese gangsters kidnapped the President. Then the boredom kicked in. Suspension of disbelief ceased, and I started thinking the fun I'd have torturing this film...
Gigli (2003)
Scatologically putrid
One of the worst ever? Of Course! Consider one of a contiguous set of bad scenes. Where J. Lo does yoga and talks about her vagina. Her vagina, for heaven's sake. This supposed to be funny? It was painful. Painful to watch. Painful to hear. And this goes on and on from start to finish.
Only redeeming part: Al Pacino. Al! Al! Lama sabachthani? No, on second thought, this film is unpardonable sin, beyond absolution.
And the ending, oh the ending. All that ocean water cannot wash away the cheese. I am still shaking my head in disbelief. That is is not even the worst movie out there. (That I have loyally reserved for Boxing Helena.)
Boxing Helena (1993)
Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
Few movies make me this angry. No, only this movie makes me uniquely angry. This is absolutely the lowest possible that a movie can sink to. For the only comparison, I must traverse art forms, to song, to "I was Born for You", for this epic proportion of negative quality karma. That it is still making. In my memory. Argh, argh, argh, somebody give me that Guy Pearce malady ("Memento", wait, why am I mentioning it in the same paragraph as Boxing ______. There, I stopped short, thank goodness.) Julian Sands would later appear in Rose Red. That film just simultaneously irritates me and bores me dead. The first in part because every time I see Julian I feel the trauma of Boxing _____. Oh well. Back to Boxing ________. I was just aghast at the concept. Stupid stupid stupid. And the ending was incredibly hackneyed hackneyed hackneyed! Am repeating myself - time to end rant. Cathartic, self-therapeutic. Thanks IMDb.