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Jupiter Ascending (2015)
So bad it can't even break through to so bad it's good.
The only thing I can say for this film is that it has made an impression on me.
It has been a week since I watched it and I am still thinking about abjectly awful it is, I think it has scarred me in some fashion. It is absolutely dreadful in almost every regard.
To be sure, the Wachowskis must have started out with the best of intentions but a whole cascade of poor decisions, bad writing, lazy plot devices, rehashing their own ideas, uninspired casting and acting create some kind of wretched feedback loop that is the cinematic equivalent of watching a dog eat its own sick.
The protagonist, Jupiter Jones is never in control of her own destiny being manipulated at every turn. She is a hostage to fortune at every stage of the film and needs rescuing time and again by the male lead and love interest. She is totally powerless and therefore virtually impossible to root for or cheer on.
The male lead is a hunky slab of beef with zero charisma who scoots around on anti gravity Rollerblades, this looks as lame on screen as it sounds reading it to yourself. There is not one but three villains, two forgettable ones who could be dispensed with entirely and a main villain who is played by a very constipated academy award winner of all things. Does this improve anything? No.
Sean Bean makes an appearance, yet we are denied seeing him die, a criminal waste of his main skill set as an actor. A Sean Bean death scene would have made for at least 2 minutes of compelling viewing.
The only good sequence of the entire film was the 10 minutes it spent ripping off/pasticheing Terry Gilliam's Brazil. Gilliam himself makes a cameo appearance.
The visual effects and world building are of very high quality, yet nothing revolutionary and they are standard fare for a film with a budget this big. All of this gets dulled through over use and bad editing that renders some of the action scenes difficult to follow, but at this point who really cares? Jupiter Ascending seems to be a love it or hate it film so maybe you need to see it for yourself, you might find something in it that I couldn't. To paraphrase one of the characters "Time is the most precious commodity in the universe", do you really want to risk two hours of your life on this film that you are never going to get back? Don't say you weren't warned.
Terra (2007)
Poor quality all round
I've never put a review up on a film that I didn't finish watching before now but I really felt I had to warn people about this animated film.
I was gripped until the end of the opening titles, it has a reasonably big name cast of voice actors and the atmosphere was good and foreboding.
As soon as the opening shot on the surface of the planet comes on it is immediately clear how cheap this production is. All of it, the characters, the scenery, the textures, lighting, animation is all thoroughly second rate. Acceptable for a kids TV show from 10-12 years ago but a feature film? Definitely not. The clearest example was when the Earth guy's ship crashes, it tumbles down a slope. It is just a solid block and looks like a toy, no debris, smoke or bits falling off (or any kind of deformation of the mesh). The close up shot reveals a battered and mangled wreck..... really naff.
If you take a look at other CG films of a similar era, say Wall E and Kung Fu Panda, both released a year after granted, you will see how bad this is. Finding Nemo from 2003 is far superior in every aspect and that had been out 4 years previously.
But its not all about looks and style right? (Although they're pretty important in an animation) Story, character development, plot, surely they could rescue it? No. I switched off when the Earth guy has his revelation "But she defended me.... from her own kind". The story telling and handling of the main themes is really ham-fisted and laboured. If I was 7 years old I might not care but there are plenty of other children's films that are able to engage my inner kid and be entertaining to adults.
Just avoid this as far as possible, and if your child really wants to see it save it for a night when you need to hire a baby sitter and pay them to sit through it with them, trust me it will be money well spent.
Bathory (2008)
Do not subject yourself to this.
Life is too short.
This is a fifth rate TV mini-series, with admittedly high production values, hacked together into a really dull, over long (2hour 21 min) feature presentation.
Even though Anna Friel is in it, and for some people (me) it's always going to be a draw; but, rose colored memories of leather jackets, patricide, and touching moments of sexual discovery aside, it's still a turd. Abject in most respects.
Don't. There are so many better things to spend your time on.
Believe me.
Ciao Manhattan (1972)
Not pretty, no fun.
This film isn't widely available to buy and I've never seen it listed on any TV schedules in the UK, so chances are anyone who is going to the trouble of tracking down a copy by whatever means will be approaching it knowing some of the background of Edie Sedgwick and the Warhol Factory/Superstar scene.
The film is cobbled together from older black and white footage and stills from her New York heyday and film shot very close to the end of her life. Its an awkward mix of documentary, pseudo-intellectual psychodrama; however the high brow veneer rapidly rubs off and all you are left with is an incomprehensible mess that stinks of rank exploitation and morbid voyeurism.
It managed to hold my interest by giving glimpses of the extremely narcissistic scene Edie inhabited prior to her leaving New York for good, the highlight of which is Brigid Polk on the toilet injecting speed while extolling her own innate talents.
Its worth watching along side the very sanitised yet watchable Factory Girl. The voice over ending glosses over her final years yet in Ciao you get some insight of the grim reality.
That grim reality is that you are watching the terminal decline of a deeply unwell and drug addled young woman. The fact that she is literally weeks away from death means anyone with even just an ounce of compassion and empathy can't come away from watching this without a feeling of immense sadness.
Tron: Legacy (2010)
very poor, not much happens..... but visually stunning
So the first 15 minutes or so is spent establishing how the characters are linked to the first film.
Main character gets sucked into computer.
Quick rehash of the games from the first film.
Chase scene.
Lazy plot explanation narrative.
OHHH LOOK!!! its Daft Punk!!!
Rehash of the light train from first film.
Underwhelming climax.
The end.
Sadly despite all the money thrown at this production it all went on special effects, nobody thought to write a decent script.
Also it suffers from the fact that getting inside a computer and having supercool fights isn't really that exciting anymore, it was done to death in the Matrix films (which ironically drew a lot of inspiration from the original Tron). Also none of the characters were really worth caring about.
Very disappointing but i got to see it at the cinema for free (yes in 3D, Avatar is better in this respect) so i'm not as annoyed as I could be.