Reviews

I knew it wasn't gunna work out between me and D-wars from the moment we met. First its title was lazy. D war. Like writing out Dragon was too much for them. Also... you really can't be that blatant with your title unless your Blue Monkey. Blue Monkey can do whatever the hell it wants.

The second sign of a rocky relationship between us was the story's insane progression. Here's the film, dreamy reporter guy reports on big snake tracks, flashes back to a time he and dad wandered into what must have been the competition for the store in gremlins and dreamy kid reporter finds a box that glows. Old shop keep reveals several terrible truths. That Bauraki a supposedly evil snake was cheated out of his chance to be a god. tells the kid that he's a reincarnated warrior and that somewhere in LA is his reincarnated lover and gives him a junk piece of jewelry. Shop keep also reveals that despite his obvious whiteness he's a 500 year old Asian.

fifteen years later dreamy reporter remembers this perfectly and starts acting half crazy trying to find this random girl. cgi hijinks follow and in the last ten minutes my brain melts out of my nose. Why? Continue on dear reader if you have the Balls.

so Sarah, the reincarnated lover, has her own flashbacks. I have the benefit of having an Asian best friend and in the scene where she starts to freak out and make a bunch of posters with Asian characters on them he tells me that whoever made this movie has no idea what their doing. Its a Korean legend and she's reincarnated from a Korean princess but everything is in Chinese. Later that night her dragon tat starts to hurt, she calls the police cause it looks like she's having a heart attack. See, in this mixed up crazy world they apparently handle heart attacks differently because the next time we see her she's locked in her room with a guard outside and a nurse claims she's crazy. I have a new phobia now, and its that if i'm ever in trouble the first responders will just assume i'm crazy.

I have another point of contention with my harsh mistress, Dwar. There is a scene when Patrick Dempsey Jr (Dreamy Reporter) is in a café' with sassy black friend. In the scenes prior Miffed Near divinity Bauraki has killed an elephant, slithered through a suburb and killed one of Sarah's friends. See, people were afraid to come out after 9-11 happened but we must have all toughened up after that deciding coffee and pastries were worth risking our lives for. Business as usual, no way a giant snake will stop me from getting my caffeine on. If i stay inside and fear for my life the terrorists and serpentine divinities win.

After being given a satisfying dragon on Helicopter battle my cruel lover Dwar treats me to a pi$$ and vinegar filled scene to end it all with. Bauraki has a fortress of his own and its right under LA i guess. They don't really say but Dreamy Reporter and Sarah get knocked out in a car crash that would kill lesser men and when they wake up, yep dragon palace. some retarded dialog later a good dragon snake god pops out of nowhere and the snakes wrestle/make love whatever. And i'm not kidding good snake out of nowhere. Maybe you think i'm blowing it out of proportion, i'm not there is no mention of this thing in the movie then suddenly... there! Few seconds later and good dragon becomes dragon god, sets Baurki on fire, Sarah turns into a ghost and goes with Dragon-god, dreamy reporter left in the middle of nowhere roll credits... thank god

Now our relationship as rocky as it was had its good times. There was a guy that look like shredder from turtles and talked exactly like a tuskan raider from star wars. I'll call him Tuskan Shredder. He could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to it just could never be useful. He could walk through a wall in a scene where that wasn't helpful. He could go in your dreams when that wouldn't do any good and he could light ten random soldier guys on fire but not when it mattered. He was also allergic to touching that junk jewelry. I like him cause he was hit by a car twice in the same scene and made fantastic tuskan raider noises.

The actors for the most part were great... if great somehow meant terrible. Jason Behr, whom i thought was awesome in Roswell i slowly find out can only act one way and that's pretentious, spacey and Patrick Dempsey"ish".

The one thing i love about this filthy prostitute Dwars is its lead actor, Bauraki. That Giant snake acted his heart out. I'd dare to say that he was better at playing a cgi serpentine demi-god of evil then John Barrymore was at playing Richard the III or Hamlet. There was emotion in every scene, stealing the thunder from his lesser mortal supporting cast. When he ate an elephant i felt like no one past, present or future would ever eat an elephant with as much feeling. He was more then an actor, he was a force of nature and he put his heart and soul into every second of this cursed project. Yes damn it, my favorite actor in this film was a cgi snake. I've got the balls to admit that, do you?

Here's to hoping Bauraki get's more work and isn't type cast, that Jason Behr finds a range of emotion other then dreamy stare, and that i never have to watch Blue Monkey again.

So, D-War its over. I want my CDs back and let's just be friends

If you loved Army of Darkness then without a doubt you will hate the hell out of Harpies. I promise.

From start to finish harpies grabs at almost every theme from Army of Darkness except for undead. Now i know what you're saying, how can this be an Evil Dead knock off without, you know, Evil Dead Things. Well its a simple really. There's a brash womanizer that fools with an artifact in present time and falls through time to a some horrible middle age surreal vista that hurts my heart. Aside from the word "Tis" there is no attempt be authentic. Don't get me wrong I love crap but it throws me when they suddenly remember their acting and try poorly to remind me of it. They do think he's the chosen one, cause... um... well why not.

Another snag from Amry of darkness is when Adam Baldwin suggests building a Trebuche. THat's probably spelled wrong but such is my disdain for all things French that i don't care. Also, i can't back up with any fact that that word is French. See, he says he seen it once on PBS and he must have paid such close attention that he had them build one, like on the spot. Sweet.

Enough ragging on the fact that they didn't really so much have a movie plot as just time on their hands and some spare money. Let's get to the good stuff. Like how this movie called Harpies has relatively little screen time for said Harpies. I know the reason. I do. See when you have no Idea what the hell a Harpie is but you make a movie called Harpies the safest thing you can do is just ask Adam Baldwin to talk his way through a movie and stare at everything like he's stoned. That covers nicely the fact that you just put CGI bat wings on super models. Also, nerds love hot chicks with bat wings. I love hot chicks with bat wings.

The noise the Harpies made.... oh...Oh... I'll let my buddy Pin Head Sum up the Harpy noise with a quote from his not crappy movie. "There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh"

I didn't give this movie a one for several reason. 1, Coolio wasn't in it. 2, It appealed to my simple side, the side that loves girls with bat wings. 3, the notion of Alec Baldwin watching his brother's movie and laughing like a madman made me do the same. Also, the mixing up of a Succubus and a Harpy is pretty sweet. As a side not I also didn't give this movie a ten because Coolie wasn't in it.

So Udo Kier earned like nine bucks and free food for this so that is a victory in and of itself.

More importantly this movie tells a very interesting tale about a group of salvage guys coming across the broken down Demeter. I should warn you, i'm gunna bounce around through this review real quick so buckle up. First thing's first. Coolio plays a guy named 187. 187 likes drugs. 187 finds a bunch of caskets on board and... now i don't know anything about the future but maybe they smuggle drugs in caskets. Not gunna say that was the craziest thing in this movie. Later on the vampire gets out of his mist filled coffin and then the real hilarity begins. First, although this movie has the word Dracula in it he is actually not in this movie. I have a theory though. Out of the blue you see the salvage crew's ship leave without them. My theory is that Dracula was on board with his retarded brother Orlock. Dracula told Orlock he'll be right back. Dracula got the hell out of this movie before he could be seen leaving Orlock to play the vampire for the six or so minutes he is in the movie. The best part of this film, and for those of you that have seen this you know what i'm gunna say, is after 187 gets sired, embraced whatever. He has this huge monologue about ejaculating on various parts of erika Elaniak's body and... other super cool stuff. Coolio, seriously you are the best thing EVER.

Some other stuff happens in this movie too. Like Casper Van Dean gets some work. Orlock screams a lot and loses his arm and then we kinda lose track of him FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE. And thank god really. We find out Erika's character is a police bot. As the movie comes to a close we find out that the ship is on a course to ram into the sun. The police bot and one other surviving character are doomed. Rather then avoid certain death Erika's police bot reveals she's also a whore bot and they decide to screw each other and die. Before they die in the sun they die for no reason, yep that's right... their ship blows up for no real reason.

This movie got the amazing rating for one reason, Coolio. My god, if they gave academy awards to black rappers then he'd be the first to get one. The only reason this didn't get a perfect ten is because there was not a drop of nudity. Now i know what your thinking, how can you judge a film by whether ladies show their goods or not. Well easy. A movie like this pretty much requires it. Its part of the process. Gore, gore, monsters, nudity, gore, end of movie final shock at the end. Its the formula. This had some gore, the monster was awesome because he sucked so hard he actually did us the favor of staying off camera. That was considerate of him and i respect that. Nudity, not a drop even though there was a length conversation about... well see the above statement and as for the shock/twist... i certainly didn't see the end coming. That counts.

I hope Hollywood doesn't think Coolio gave this film his all and has nothing left. He deserves more work. Well, until Dracula 4000, i'm out.

The car is a tale about... well... its actually the horror equivalent to Seinfeld. Its not really about anything in particular. It has some Kitchy western folks living out in the middle of nowhere who suddenly find themselves being attacked by a really angry Lincoln. What it teaches though is a very important lesson worthy of mention in all driver's education classes. There are many ways of dying while operating a car. Playing Car Tag, drinking and driving, racing with the police, Road Head and speeding. Now not only can you kill yourself and others while in a car but a car can kill you and others without anyone in it at all, simply just for the hell of it. The Lesson, never anger our vehicular overlords for they can crush us whenever they choose. Now i can understand not wanting to explain the origin of your monster in a monster movie or sci-fi flick like war of the worlds. For we are simple earth bound man, how can we fathom the ways of our doom bringers. But when that doom is heralded in by A 1977 Lincoln Mark three with an attitude i kinda want some set up. So my interpretation of the events prior to the start of the movie is that this car is demoniacally possessed. It seems to be what happens to cars the most (With the exception of freak space storms that turn all machines into human hating contraption I.E. Maximum Overdrive) What follows is the scene i'd of liked to have seen in this movie The Devil: I'm looking for something in black and with a really wide bumper.

Sweaty conniving salesmen: Well Mr Devil i have just the thing. How about this here Lincoln Mark Three.

The Devil: Perfect, now the sons and daughters of Adam will pay! The streets of some tiny western town will run red with the blood of some truly insignificant people. Mwaha.

Actually, any setup would have been fine. Now, what lured me into this movie was that it was called Deathmobile where i rented it. So me and my pain loving sado-masochistic posse grabbed this up. We had already exhausted every movie with the word "Killer" in the title and decided it was time for a brand change. This movie kinda sucked a lot. The only saving grace was that as soon as it ended i had "Bones" to look forward to. A charming tail about a street pimp turned vengeful ghost. I guess you should rent this, but only if you have people to share the pain with, or pills to pop or something to somehow alter your perception of the dull 70's trash unfolding on the screen. Better then Alien Dead!

Biker zombies is like the seinfeld version of zombie movies. Its a movie that sorta has something to do with zombies but not really, its actually not about anything at all. Now if your expecting rabid plague zombies and rock out action zombies like 28 days later and house of the dead, you're about to be disappointed. If you're expecting shambling Romero zombies you're also gunna lose here. If you're looking for a nice zombie in trouble such as in "My Boyfriend's back" or "Hocus Pocus" you've also rented the wrong film. These zombies are like a collection of history's greatest monsters assembled by the devil and by "history's" i mean like four or five jerks from Michigan(I think) that the devil happened to find but sheer good(bad) luck. Now this movie really doesn't have much of a point. It comes to something similar to a climax when a zombie attacks one of the main characters at the end and the zombies then ride off, presumably to keep "Stickin' it to the man" or something. Now i've knocked this movie a bit so far, so i bet you're asking why i didn't rate it so low. Well first of all this movie isn't Alien Dead. Second of all, Jillian Bradshaw, who plays Courtney, did not deserve to have to be in this movie. I liked her too much to hate the only movie she's ever been in. Finally, Me and the rest of the "Bad cinema squad" couldn't stop laughing at this. I give biker zombies the benefit of the doubt and assume they set out to make a movie I could laugh at. Thanks Biker Zombies.

Its hard to find a movie that is both so much fun to watch while being so terrible. The best part about Blood Dolls is that it sets out to be terrible and hilariously terrible at that. Our hero in this story is Virgil who, when you look past his racist dolls, desire to take over the world and utter hatred for all other beings, is just a guy like the rest of us. Lonly and looking for someone to share his time with. This movie has two things going for it, above about a million other things granted but two really important things. One, it has a cage full of Goth Rock chicks that have to play on command, urged to do so by Phil Fondacaro (Vonhkar from willow). The second thing this movie has is Mr. Mascaro. I swear to god this character is about the coolest thing that has graced the silver screen since Herbert West. If i were to go into why Mascaro was so cool i'd definitely go over the 1000 word max. The most important thing about this movie is that it tries to be part of the killer doll genre of horror movies and yet the killer dolls in this film take a back seat to every other amazing character that steps on screen. Not that the dolls aren't cool but trust me, you'll couldn't possibly care less about them or who they are killing at the moment because all you'll be thinking about is What insane thing Virgil or Mascaro is about to say next.

Now, it would be some sort of cliché if i began with the bit about the title, so i'll wait on that. First, this movie made me wonder why kids do stupid things like wander around in labs and break bottles. Then i realized it, this is a movie with a message, that message is beat kids and things like this won't happen. Things like what you ask? Things like a giant insectish monster growing up and causing a bit of mayhem before dying in the typical "kill the monster indirectly" fashion. Now, as promised... Blue Monkey... has nothing Blue in it nor any Simian of any kind. Now it snot like i was cheated or anything. The picture on the cover had a giant bug/crab/idiot/thing on the front chasing some screaming nurses. That kinda happened but i wanted apes! having just enjoyed MOST EXTREME PRIMATE a few nights before(half drunk on Cask and Creame's brandy mind you) i was in the mood for more monkey hijacks 80's style. Not so much. If you like snow boarding apes or blue things this movie is not for you. If you like bugs and good reasons to hit kids, rent this.