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brianmacsmith
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Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Fascination (1994)
worst of the worst
It's a Lwaxana Troi episode, which means its a skip. But on top of that, you get a moping Jake, O'Brien's bratty wife and Kira's creepy milquetoast boyfriend.
O'Brien's wife bitches and moans like a spoiled brat, Jake mopes, and Troi is... well... her usual unbearable self. Probably the worst episode in the series.
Everyone goes crazy and starts lusting after each other. Jake is in love with Kira, her lame boyfriend lusts after Dax, and Dax can't keep her hands off of Sisko. Meanwhile Miles and Keiko argue and complain (as usual). It's all very awkward and weird and total filler. The mystery is obvious and easily solved.
Sisko calling Dax "old man" while she gropes him is kind of funny I guess. Otherwise you miss nothing by missing this one.
Dark Space (2013)
not a functional film. The definition of amateur.
Someone with absolutely no talent must have watched AvP and thought to themselves "hey I can do that". Oh how horribly wrong they were. Apparently they think that if one cheap jump scare is great, a hundred of them is even better!
A taste: in one scene, an idiot hears a noise outside his ship (you always know it's an alien by the very loud and very generic "jump scare" sound that plays when the run by. Naturally, said idiot walks outside to investigate. He stands out in the open for what seems like forever making no attempt to conceal himself while the alien jump scares around. Seriously this happens dozens of times. It's never scary, and by the fiftieth time they try the cheap jump scare, you just want to mute the television.
Anyway, while he is standing just outside the ship, right in the open, the alien walks inside the ship where a girl is lying unconscious. Oh, she also has a skin piercing, fully fractured, infected leg. The ship is a tiny one room vessel with one door. There is no other way in or out. Inexplicably the girl manages to sneak out of the ship, out into the woods, and back to the idiot outside, who is now hiding behind a tree. The alien completely misses the guy who made no attempt to hide himself at the entrance of the ship, and the girl with one leg in an empty small room. It's hilarious.
Also, the look of fear on the actress's face looks more like she is trying really hard not to sneeze.
Despite her horrendous acting, she's actually the best of the lot. The two other girls are completely emotionless. At least broken leg girl has a sneezeface. One of the actors, the "cocky", Hudson-from-Aliens knock off, seems to be trying really hard to remember his lines. Bless his heart. The men seem to be playing drunken frat boys, but look well into their thirties.
Otherwise, the movie is poorly shot and edited. Much of the action is confusing if not completely cut altogether. There are plenty of shots of the party from behind bushes to give the sense they are being watched, random blood sprays in place of actual effects, and of course, the dozens upon dozens of lame jumpscares. Mostly it just looks like a cheap vacation video.
The effects are weak. The space stuff is passable, but the beastlike aliens are ultra generic, and The invisible dudes' (*cough*predators*cough*) first appearance is particularly terrible. It seems that 99% of the budget was wasted on their admittedly nifty helmets. Good job, helmet design guy. You get the one star.
One more great one: after the party is chased and one of them vaporized by what appears to be thousands of Predator knockoffs, our Hudson knockoff then recites the scene to his two friends... who were right there with him, as if they weren't there. Hilarious editing fail.
Low budget or not, its no excuse. Worst of the worst, but as long as you have your finger on the fast forward button, its kinda funny in a so-bad- it's-good sort of way. Sort of.
The Double (2013)
Amateurish Brazil clone with weak script starring the utterly range-less Jesse Eisenberg
At first I thought it would be an entertaining if unoriginal Brazil clone, but there was little entertainment to be had from a terrible script, weak acting by Eisenberg and several tropes lifted directly from far better films.
Jesse Eisenberg plays two characters and somehow manages to be worse at it than Jean Claude Van Damme in Double Impact. His mopey, timid "good" twin becomes loathsome after 5 minutes (and unfortunately this act is relentlessly played out for nearly the entire film) and by the end you are praying for him to die. I can't remember the last time I hated a character so much.
The other, "evil" twin is, well, there isn't really much character to be had here. We are mostly told that he is the opposite of the other character in every way, but never actually shown it. Other characters are just inexplicably drawn to him. Women, co-workers and bosses love him, but the script isn't smart enough to show why. We are just supposed to go with it.
In other, better movies (think Fight Club, another movie this film shamelessly copies), a brash, confident character like the bad twin would be a joy to watch. In this movie, he's pretty much just like the good twin, except he talks a little faster and looks people in the eye. Eisenberg has shown ZERO range in every movie he has been in, and now that he has two supposedly opposite characters to play in this one, he pretty much plays them exactly the same. In one particularly terrible shot, we see the two walking side by side, Timid Jesse walking stiff armed, and Brash Jesse walking "normally", except it looks like he is marching just as stiffly except his arms move. Seriously, is Jesse Eisenberg an alien? Has he never seen a human being walk?
The other, non-Eisenberg character doesn't fare any better. There is the typical object of affection, who, again, is never really fleshed out in any way. She's pretty, and thus worthy of our love. Otherwise, she's an empty shell, and later fairly terrible. One gets the feeling that winning this girl would be more of a punishment than a reward.
While the movie does a decent job of copying the bleaker visual aspects of Brazil and Fight Club, it gets monotonous very quickly and nothing stands out. Its overbearing sameness from the characters and the visuals from start to finish.
Keep away!