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Reviews
Queen of Oz (2023)
Rudeness as a trademark
Catherine Tate seems to be in her natural environment in this role. I don't know how she is off camera, and I'm not interested to find out.
I really disliked Donna Noble from Doctor Who. That character was rude, selfish, inconsiderate, ill-mannered, quite stupid and totally unattractive. Unlikable to say the least. I couldn't wait for that season to be over so I won't have to see or hear her again.
Well, apparently for some people this kind of character somehow seem to hold some comedic value, and for the life of me I can't understand why. I mean there are plenty of such people in real life, why would you want to see them in a movie?
So yeah, if you have a laugh watching rude people in positions of power abusing the less fortunate, this one is right on your alley.
True Lies (2023)
True garbage
First let's look a bit at the big picture: a good looking (8+) well educated, polite, kind male is married with an average (6 with makeup) brash, capricious female. He is the obvious bread winner (successful salesman) compared to a low income school teacher (her). Why a guy like him stays with a woman like her is quite a miracle, but whatever.
They have two kids around 12-15 years. This puts them in middle-late thirties.
They also have an amazing house in the suburbs (two stories, each kid with own room), two cars, a huge backyard - in short they are upper-middle class. Also quite strange thinking at their income.
In 15 years, this unlikely wife had zero reasons to be suspicious: about their income, about a cover-fashion-magazine looking guy married with an average looking woman.
In 15 years he never had an accident or an injury in a line of work with a huge mortality rate.
Just fyi, in real life a single punch in the face bruises your knuckles. A lot of suitcases must've fallen on his hands I guess over the years. Eh. Anyways, moving on...
Goofs - in no particular order:
- Captured, legs untied, she's crossing her legs. (this idiocy is even on the poster).
- Casual conversations while under gun fire.
- 35+ years is quite old for even an ordinary soldier, let alone for an operative agent.
- Lack of proper emotional response in a tense situation from an untrained civilian.
- Zero chemistry. (I have no idea who dislikes who irl, but this is how it feels - they can't stand each other but are forced together).
- Chubby "trained assassin" watching kids and posing in a cat lady, moving around the house with the grace of a rhino.
- Obvious walking impaired tech guy is given a gun and forced to participate in a field operation.
- Very politically correct interrogation. Brutality focused on obvious highly trained guy, even after stating she's outranking him.
- Couple visited Spain, yet in Paris he suddenly had blank passport.
- No one to babysit the kids while parents were in Paris.
There are more goofs, but I don't want to remember more from this movie. I really don't.
The Flash (2014)
No more Patton please
Every one in a while I check this movie to see if they removed Candice Patton. As long she's in the cast, the show is a no-no for me.
I have no idea what kind of person is she in real life, and honestly I don't care. But she did a great job here becoming the perfect representation of an insufferable pain in the bottom.
For the future, I will skip any movie / show / product / song - anything that have something even remotely related to her.
S.O.Z: Soldados o Zombies (2021)
Z.O.O. Zombies o Orcos
You know what makes zombies terrifying?
Not the eating people alive part. All the animal predators eat their prey alive. Not the undead part. Plenty of likable vampires in pop culture. Not even the rotting flesh part. That just the "yuk" factor.
It's their number. Zombie horde. Slow moving, relentless. They don't need to run after you, sooner of later you will get tired and they will get you. And no matter how many you kill, there are always more to take their place.
And that's what the producers forgot. They assumed the fast and deadly part would be enough. But adding pig noises... They pretty much made orcs instead of zombies. Only the white hand mark was missing, really.
I get it, budget & expenses, if you can't pay 200 extras you make a few "elite" zeds, you slap a helmet on them and save on makeup and prosthetics as well.
I'm pretty sure they did not expect to win an Oscar with that movie. But to get 5.4 with less than 1k votes is bad. Not Cage or Sandler bad. No. It's Sucker Punch bad.
Anyway, looking forward to see those "zombies" with bows and chasing humans while riding oversized coyotes. Well, would be ponies with makeup, but hey it's the artistic vision that counts, right? RIGHT?
Invasion (2021)
Aliens? Nope. Sci-Fi? Nope. Cheap drama & woke cliches? Plenty.
There was a time when producers were making series about a robot / alien / cyborg / supernaturally gifted individual and their life among humans. Usually in high-school setting.
After a couple of episodes you realized it was nothing about sci-fi or aliens or cyborgs or mutants, and was just another cheap high-school / teenager production, and the selling point - the sci-fi or supernatural element was just a lie. There are even names for this technique - MacGuffin or plot coupons.
And this is the case here, in "Invasion". Five episodes in, and all we got is boredom, melodrama, feelings talk and of course the inevitable woke box-ticking. Fast-forward button suddenly becomes your friend. No aliens, no sense of urgency, just ominous music accompanying dry and un-engaging scenes where nothing happens. Ever.
Unattractive actors - because we are supposed to see the so-called invasion "through the eyes of five ordinary people", and those people must have below average looks and smarts. (they also must fill gender / race / sexual orientation diversity quota - but that's another story - we all learned that certain people are in a movie just because they have to fill a percentage, not because of their talent or because story demands it)
And speaking of story - there is none. I remember this series Falling Skies (and I considered it lame & cringy - I used to call it Failing Skies) where main characters were ordinary people. Yet it was tons more entertaining than this snooze fest.
Just avoid this movie.
5 episodes - 200 minutes of my life wasted.
Don't do the same.
Alita: Battle Angel (2019)
Why would you...
Let's toss the creepy eyes aside.
Let's hide the lack of story under the carpet.
Let's ignore inconsistencies.
Let's cut some slack to the bad acting.
Let's pretend for a second this is an Oscar worthy movie.
Yet. a question still haunts me.
Why would you build a battle cyborg with breasts?
The Rezort (2015)
Better than expected
I saw the title and a couple of reviews and I was like "yeah, another zombie crap". I mean, really, the name "ReZort" sounds like a bad joke for stupid people.
Well, today I was bored, nothing to watch and... boy I was wrong! Movie is far from stupid, far from cheap and for sure far from boring. Yes, there are cliche characters - to be honest each movie have 'em lately. Also since now is mandatory for each movie to force-feed audience with SJW bs, of course there are "strong independent women", unreliable men, and because of that, you pretty much know in advance who's going to be alive at the end.
The script is actually well written. There are no plot-holes... well, except one, but we can let it slide because "Archer", ok? Acting is more than decent, characters emotions are believable, and their actions make sense. There is no "let's split to cover more ground" non-sense, or other cringey bs we keep seeing in movies of the same genre.
For me it's a 6/10. Would've been more, but if I'd give this movie a 9, then Alien would be a 17, and that's not possible.
The Expanse: Intransigence (2018)
A slow decline
Somehow I'm more and more disappointed by the show.
Used to be 90% action and 10% talking, and all the new notions introduced were explained simply by integrating them in the movie.
Now is like 75% talking, 25% action, and most of the talking is basically religion and feelings and explaining new notions / concepts.
One year ago I would've rated it 8/10, today is 5/10 and I'm being generous.
Elizabeth Mitchell - I liked her in Lost. Her acting, her role, everything. Right now, in Expanse, she is just as annoying as Shohreh Aghdashloo, if not more. And the reason I brought this up is because most of that endless talking comes from her part.
You are losing it, guys, and the recent drop in the popularity sure tells you something is wrong. You are diluting each episode way too much and expand it's duration with forced conversations.
I'm not rooting for characters anymore. They talk too much, they stopped being interesting. Now are just annoying. Strait and Chatham still carry the show, but I wonder for how long...
Maze Runner: The Death Cure (2018)
Very bad conclusion
I'm not saying the movie it's bad - even it is. The problem is with the message it sends. It's horrible. I get it, it had to appeal to 15-18 yrs old audience, but sending that kind of message to teenagers is simply wrong.
What's the message? "Adults are wicked, let's kill em all and take matters in our own hands". There is no other way to interpret it.
It does not matter there were not enough people to repopulate (you need at least 10000 to be safe from degeneration and inbreeding), it does not matter they had basically nothing on that island to keep them alive - no doctors, no medicine, no drinking water, no food, no real shelters, and more important, nothing to keep science and culture alive.
The false hope they try to infuse in the ending "this will be a good home" is the cherry on the top. Anyone with a bit of common sense realize in a couple of generations the island will be populated by a bunch of starving people, with a lifespan of about 40 years, barely capable to talk - basically the "rational" version of the infected. But hey! Who am I to judge their version about a good home, right?
Do yourself a favor and skip this movie. Unless you are a 15-18 years teenager and have family issues. In that case you will love it. But if your brain is more developed that the average rabbit, skip it.
Siren (2018)
Nothing to see here, move on
I could only watch 10 minutes from 1st episode, and that was the limit for me.
Besides cheap "suspense" scenes and overused cliches, the moment when I gave up was...
--- spoiler ---
... when I saw an afican-american "mermaid" in a fish tank. I mean, really? REALLY? Diversity just for the sake of it?
Think a bit about aquatic creatures environment, and realize in no way they could develop features that protect them from direct sunlight and heat. Then distribute the actors accordingly.
I'm not nitpicking here. That thing just ruined any kind of fragile immersion I had watching the movie.
-- /spoiler --
I'm really not interested in watching this anymore. It could be the next Citizen Kane for all I care, but no, thank you very much
The Flash: Run, Iris, Run (2018)
Help me understand, please...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I know about Flash, the sole purpose of Iris character is to be main protagonist love interest and to add a bit of drama to the story.
Besides that, take a moment at think how awkward this is... Barry is Ben's adopted son so Iris is basically his sister. Also his wife, his boss, his friend and since last episode, his speed buddy.
Now help me understand, please. How this happened? How comes that an incestuous creep with no moral standings ("screw the world, I want to see my parents alive") has become a super-hero?
And you are wondering why the scenarists turn him into a doormat? Really?
War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)
8/10. Sounds like a bad joke.
I get it. It's quite simple actually. When you have 150m budget, you can afford to spend 50-60k for 5000 10 stars votes. Are plenty of websites offering this kind of "services".
Is the only logical, rational explanation for the rating this piece of garbage managed to have.
Don't waste your time or money. There is no war, no depth, nothing. Just social justice messages shoved deep down your throat. Ah, and half ton monkeys riding (super)horses.
Just... buy a bag of chips and stare at a wall for 2 hours. Or watch YouTube videos with monkeys. It's the same.